Hitting a real low point and really struggling

[Chatnoir]

I'm home alone, every programme has people talking about kids, being pregnant, getting pregnant. Everything seems to be baby baby baby and I'm not sure I can cope with it anymore!
AF arrived over the weekend, knew it was coming on Friday and could barely hold it together at work I can't stand disappointing hubby every month when i tell him that Af has arrived, and he has to try and be strong and comfort me.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate for a while until all this goes away...but it won't ever go away until we get pregnant or give up on the hope that we will ever have kids.
And thats what I'm scared of, scared that we will be that couple who try everything for years but they still don't ever have the chance to be parents.
And nobody understands it! I'm not meant to talk about it and i have to pretend that life is perfect. And when someone says "oh when you having kids?" I'm just meant to smile and say something nice and reasuring because no one really wants to hear that you are having fertility problems and your struggling with the emotional full out of another AF arriving.

I'm not even sure why I am writing this or what i'm expecting anyone to say, but I just feel so alone right now.

 

[Pinkie 33]

So sorry you are feeling like this. You are not alone... we are all there with you

I hope you start to feel better soon. x

 

[tamithomas]

if it's any comfort, you're definitely not alone in your feelings. Especially since this AF that arrived on saturday was my first one since my MC. sending you loads of hope you get your sticky soon.

 

[laustiredttc]

oh hun i think it takes such a brave person to get all of their feelings out there, so well done just for doing that.
I know the feeling oh so well and your not alone huni even though you feel like it. Its a shitty shitty thing this ttc business and unless someone actually gets to experience it they will never know the pain, sadness and heartache that threatens to swallow you up each time that bfn shows. So i think in all honesty the best thing to do is what you have done and just get all that negativity off your chest. But dont be scared hun, it will happen just try to hold onto that hope as much as you can and when you need to vent just do it.

 

[2have4kids]

 

[Chatnoir]

Thanks ladies you are all a massive support and inspiration. Feel slightly less weapy today. Hubby came home last night and we had a little chat, which helped.

Really hope we all get our BFP's soon! Xxxx

 

[uwa_amanda]

That is definitely one thing I absolutely love about my husband. Whenever we were doing Clomid, when AF would show up, he would be waiting on me with open arms whenever I wanted to sob it out. It helped us get through everything. I definitely know how you feel. We're currently on a break right now for God knows how long, but I do still feel the pangs of sadness whenever AF shows up. Just knowing that your DH and the ladies here are a wonderful support system makes the pain of unexplained infertility that much more bearable. to you!

 

[PinkPeony]

Man I feel the exact same the past few days. Af showed on Monday. She was late too so I was getting a little excited. I just haven't been able to pick myself back up. I just feel totally deflated.

My DH has been amazing though. I got home from work last night and the house was tidied, he was making dinner, and he told me to go to the tv room and take a load off. So there I find flowers, rented movies, and junk food. Of course I started bawling. He doesn't usually do stuff like that... also I recently came out of the closet about my fertility issues to my family. I've been getting a lot of support from them too which I didn't really expect. I know what you mean about people just not wanting to hear about it. I've had some really horrible encounters like that with tertiary people in my life, but I guess the good thing is that the people that really matter will be behind you no matter what.

 

[Chatnoir]

My husband is super supportive! Bless him. But this then makes me feel guilty that I can't hold it together for him as he is suffering too.

I just hate not having control over our own lives. Everything we plan something in advance we have to think " what if I might be pregnant?" and I think we need to stop putting our lives on hold for "what ifs"!

 

[uwa_amanda]

My husband is super supportive! Bless him. But this then makes me feel guilty that I can't hold it together for him as he is suffering too.

I just hate not having control over our own lives. Everything we plan something in advance we have to think " what if I might be pregnant?" and I think we need to stop putting our lives on hold for "what ifs"!

AMEN SISTAH!!!! I know what ya mean!

 

[TNK]

Chatnoir- You and I have been diagnosed with the same thing. Sometimes I think its harder because if we knew what the problem was we could fix it and get our BFP! I've been through the ringer on drugs and tests. Everyone friend and family member that could have a baby has had a baby since I started TTC my closest friend who is also my cousin has two and the second one she didn't even want. So I had to listen to her get all sad because she didn't want this second child and the moment I open my mouth to say anything about what I am going through thinking its share time she said and I quote: "Can I call you back? I need to get some cigarettes". Yup ladies she smokes and i spilled my guts out to her and that is what she said to me. I didn't speak to her for about a year a little over a year.
I have been right where you are. Those cold days when you just cry. Don't wanna talk. Don't wanna move. You just lay there.
I did my second injections this month and I had all the right signs and I thought it was my time but it wasn't and my DH could not have been more amazing. It would take me all day to tell you everything but he's one of a kind and I'm so lucky.
I've decided to do a IUI in November and my insurance company told me I get ONE PER LIFETIME so......If it doesn't work I have no clue what to do?! I don't know how much they cost so I don't know if I can afford another one.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life without a child. I must admit that. Its a fact I've been hidding even from my husband. He thinks whatever happens, happens and we'll be fine with it but the truth is I wont! I wont be okay with never knowing that joy. I struggle and you will do. I had so many dark months last year and I swore that after my first fail on injections I would not curl up into a ball and cry on the floor of my closet again!

Sorry this is so long. I just want to show you that your far from alone. I know women say hey hit me up if you want to talk. I mean it when I say it. I know just how bad things can get. So if you ever just want to talk and need someone to just listen I am here. Always!

 

[Chatnoir]

Bless you hun. Good luck with ur iui! We are supper lucky to have wonderful hubbys
I'm still a little on edge at the mo, but that could be the clomid. I'm dreading anyone asking us about having babies as I may lose it!
Are you in the US?
In the UK iui's are about £800 I think, not inc any drugs. I think we will try that if clomid doesn't work. Out nhs trust doesn't cover iui's so we will have to pay privately.
I think I'm just mentally tired of the whole awful situation!

 

[TNK]

I am in the US and I've been reading different prices for the IUI...So I think the best thing for me is just to ask my doctor how much he charges and go from there.
Clomid makes you crazy! LOL!! It did me! I turned into a different person while taking it..I hated it!
If you do a IUI ask for injections! Not clomid! They are the same hormone your body produces naturally so it has no harmful side effects! It cost more and you stab yourself in the stomach but those I would gladly do over clomid!

My mistake was telling friends and family memebers I was trying to have a baby now every month there they are asking me! Its a mess. DON'T make that mistake! Not only am I devastated each time I see AF but I feel like I let my husband down and everyone I know!

 

[Chatnoir]

We didn't tell anyone we were ttc until we started with all the infertility tests, but only our parents. But we have been married two years now and I think everyone is expecting an annoucement at any moment!
I'm making myself more depressed by watching 16 and pregnant! But it was one of my fav shows before we were ttc so can't stop watching it!!!

 

[2have4kids]

We didn't tell anyone we were ttc until we started with all the infertility tests, but only our parents. But we have been married two years now and I think everyone is expecting an annoucement at any moment!
I'm making myself more depressed by watching 16 and pregnant! But it was one of my fav shows before we were ttc so can't stop watching it!!!

I don't envy anyone having children this young. Our world isn't built for this when you can't get a good paying job if you haven't gone to uni and uni is so expensive and then you've got daycare to pay too? Seeing people have babies in general makes me sad now too...know what you mean in this sense.

 

[TNK]

2have4kids- Your picture is the cutest thing I've ever seen!

Chatnoir- No one really asked us when we were going to have kids except my husband's nona. Our friends at dinners would ask if we wanted kids and thats a good way of putting it too if you ever want to ask someone.
My mother in law called me a few hours ago and she was more broken up then I was! You could hear it in her voice. She kept saying she doesn't understand. It was like I had to comfort her! LOL!

 

[Chatnoir]

Hubby gets asked all the time, he's started being short with people now which I can understand but think it gives it away that there may be problems. So I usuly just say "yeah someday" and then walk away.... When really I wanna scream "f*ck off!!"

 

[TNK]

Hubby gets asked all the time, he's started being short with people now which I can understand but think it gives it away that there may be problems. So I usuly just say "yeah someday" and then walk away.... When really I wanna scream "f*ck off!!"

LOL!! When we first started and people were asking..I believe it was after we got married..Anyways people would ask if we were trying and I would say: "Oh yeah we are trying, tryin on the couch, on the floor" my friends thought it was funny because they knew me and they know I make jokes but his friends would just look at me...One said: "Alright" and I thought I was going to die! But that is just me, huge dork!
Later on though as years went by it got harder to laugh and make jokes. I got bitter and became short with people like your husband...

Now my friends and family get it and they don't bring it up unless I do, so YAY!??!

 

[redbrick80]

It's so stressful. Try to hang in there. I just finished reading Making Babies - if you haven't read it yet you should. It explains infertility and unexplained infertility and tons of helpful tips on how to improve your body. I haven't tried it yet, but worth the read.

good luck

 

[Chatnoir]

I really thought I would be feeling more positive by now. But I don't.... We should be bding every other day at the moment but I just can't face it! Don't know what's wrong with me!