Holy crap, I'm living in a movie...

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, all!

Sorry for the emotional post... hormones. Yes, you're obviously allowed to have your opinion. The part that's not really anyone's business is my backstory, which I only shared to illustrate the point to all of us parents-to-be.

People are allowed to live their lives, to do what makes them happy. If it's a mid-life crisis or not, go for it. HOWEVER, people with kids - whether they're dependents or adults - need to think about how their kids feel when they do make drastic changes in their lives.

It doesn't mean don't do what makes you happy. It means talk to your kids, tell them you understand if they're not immediately thrilled. I realize it's not "fair" for kids to be upset at things that make parents happy, but that's the way it works.

We had a family for 18 years that we thought would be our family forever. Things changed without any of our input. In the end, everyone's happier, but it's had consequences that you might not think about if you haven't been through it.

Stuff like.. My brothers and I are no longer in our father's will because he has two young children now. Every holiday I have to drive all around my home state to see my family because my dad and mom live an hour and a half apart. I end up wanting a vacation from my vacation. My graduation and wedding were both nightmares because my parents had such a hard time being in the same room. My dad refused to pay for my wedding because his wife wouldn't let him. I've heard horrible things from both of my parents about the other that I should never have to hear. During the divorce, my dad ended up losing his job because of his affair and I got cut off with no warning. Suddenly things I never had to think about - like buying books for school - were now my problem. I'm glad it happened, as I'm now a self-sufficient adult, but it was kind of scary and embarrassing at the time.

All this and more is the cost of his pursuing a better life for himself. Notice he's not the one who paid it, for the most part. So I guess I should just be happy for him because he's my dad and I love him. I'm just finding it a bit difficult at the moment.

 

[Whitesoxfan41]

<<HOWEVER, people with kids - whether they're dependents or adults - need to think about how their kids feel when they do make drastic changes in their lives.>>

So at 42, should I have gotten permission from my 21, 17 and 14 yr old daughters to have another child? I'm still the same mom. While I agree, your father treated your family badly, I think it's unfair to say that you won't be getting an inheritance because of younger siblings. Is it a "right" to get inheritance? If you don't have a good relationship with him and think so lowly of him, should he be leaving his things/money to you anyway? Saying he has a chance to do it right to me sounds as if he regrets the mistakes he made while raising his older children and hopes to do better this time around. I was a very different mother at 21, 25 and 27 than I think I may be at 42. Not that I was a bad mother, but there are definite changes. (Hopefully for the better with my maturity).

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about the situation. I hope you're able to resolve the issues or at least go on without feeling put upon. I'm not jumping you at all, but some of your comments have been a big judgmental towards those having a "2nd" family later in life. (says the also hormonal pregnant lady)

 

[sojourn]

I'm not jumping you at all, but some of your comments have been a big judgmental towards those having a "2nd" family later in life. (says the also hormonal pregnant lady)

It seems to me her comments were judgmental toward people who abandon their families to set up "2nd" families later in life. It's different that you are having a child later in life. Did you abandon your other children and basically crush their world in order to set up a do-over family? From you post, it doesn't seem like it. I don't think she's begrudging anyone having kids after older kids are grown.

My biological mom left us on the doorsteps of an orphanage in a foreign country where my dad was stationed and got on a plane back to the U.S. Luckily it worked out well for our family (my dad found us) and I am now friendly with her and we have a relationship.

A few years ago, she was a foster mother to two girls and she wanted to adopt them. She said "I just can't imagine abandoning them and leaving them in the system." She also has a step-daughter that she talks all the time about how she is financially responsible for getting her through college. She's 18, doesn't work, barely goes to school, has totaled two cars and she has her tuition, rent and $400/month in spending money. I spent my college days eating Ramen, bar-tending at strip clubs, living with 8 people in a loft and stealing toilet paper from work. I am grown and all of that still hurt like a slap in the face! I don't even know how I would have felt if the whole thing had gone through. She still buys them things and is putting money away for their college tuition.

People's franchise families and do-over kids DO hurt the people that they trample on to get there. It is absolutely fair to be hurt by your parents deciding that some other kid is more worthy of their love, attention and time. That those kids are worth doing it right for, when you weren't. The first time kids get to feel hurt and pass judgment on the people who were SUPPOSED to be parents to them and decided to be parents to someone else.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

sojourn... I think I love you. Everything you've posted today, I just...

Thank you for understanding. It's an ugly thing, but you have to think about how your kids feel. Doesn't mean you have to ask their permission... but at least take their feelings into consideration.

The only person I'm judging is my dad.

 

[sojourn]

sojourn... I think I love you. Everything you've posted today, I just...

Thank you for understanding. It's an ugly thing, but you have to think about how your kids feel. Doesn't mean you have to as their permission... but at least take their feelings into consideration.

The only person I'm judging is my dad.

Thanks! I agree with you, that you're a parent until you die. That doesn't mean to smother your kids or run your life according to their wishes, just that you have to be considerate of their feelings. Just like we all have to be considerate of how our actions affect other people.

 

[Zuki]

People's franchise families and do-over kids DO hurt the people that they trample on to get there. It is absolutely fair to be hurt by your parents deciding that some other kid is more worthy of their love, attention and time. That those kids are worth doing it right for, when you weren't. The first time kids get to feel hurt and pass judgment on the people who were SUPPOSED to be parents to them and decided to be parents to someone else.

That works on the assumption that no one is capable of growing or learning from mistakes though. My bio mum gave me up for adoption, kept her other three kids, she did better by those three, well done her. My adoptive dad has walked away from me, started a new family, well then that's his loss cos he's never going to meet his grandchildren.

And I'm sorry but when you're at an age where you are starting your own little family then I think it's a bit old to expect your parents to be answerable to you when it comes to their life choices.

 

[sojourn]

People's franchise families and do-over kids DO hurt the people that they trample on to get there. It is absolutely fair to be hurt by your parents deciding that some other kid is more worthy of their love, attention and time. That those kids are worth doing it right for, when you weren't. The first time kids get to feel hurt and pass judgment on the people who were SUPPOSED to be parents to them and decided to be parents to someone else.

That works on the assumption that no one is capable of growing or learning from mistakes though. My bio mum gave me up for adoption, kept her other three kids, she did better by those three, well done her. My adoptive dad has walked away from me, started a new family, well then that's his loss cos he's never going to meet his grandchildren.

And I'm sorry but when you're at an age where you are starting your own little family then I think it's a bit old to expect your parents to be answerable to you when it comes to their life choices.

Actually, it works on the assumption that people should stick around and not abandon their kids in the first place. I'm not saying people don't have a right to abandon their families and do whatever they want. I am saying that the people that they hurt are allowed to be hurt by it. People can grow and change and do things better, that doesn't mean that the kids they screwed up or left don't get to be hurt by the parents deciding that their next family might be worth sticking around for.

I'm sorry, but I think that when you're at an age where you are starting your own little family it is important to think about your parents and how they affected you and what you can do differently. It's also, usually, a time where you seek advice and comfort from your parents, since they have done it before. Family units typically help one another through difficult and stressful times. Just as they delight in joyous, happy ones. When you're starting your own family, you shouldn't have to combat the feelings of loss that come with having been abandoned by your parent, but then expected to take part in the joyous occasion of their new, better family. That clearly demonstrates that your parents made bad parenting choices.

I also think that as HUMAN BEINGS we need to be considerate of other HUMAN BEINGS that are affected by our actions. If my parents can be upset/disappointed by life decisions that I make as an adult, I don't understand why children can't be upset by the life decisions that they make. If I abandoned my husband and children, my parents would be incredibly disappointed in me. They would have a right to be. Just as I, as an adult, have a right to be upset when my parents make drastic life choices that have a negative impact on me. Sure, they have a right to do it, but I still have the right to be upset.

As a family, you have to consider how your actions affect the rest of your family. When you got married, did you invite anyone that you didn't particularly care whether or not they came because it would hurt someone's feelings if you didn't? That's being considerate of other family members. It's all fine and well to put your hands on your hips and stomp your feet and say "buuuuuuut I'm and addduuuuuult". It doesn't matter, you are a person that is responsible for their actions and how those actions affect other people. You don't get to just run around in life going crazy, doing whatever you want and not expect people to rise up when you negatively impact them.

*sorry, "you" not meaning you specifically, but instead meaning "one" but I don't feel like going back and changing everything.

 

[TicToc]

Soujorn... I think you hit a really good point about the difference between someone who has kids later in life and someone who has abandon their previous kids in some way and then goes on to primarily only be there for the younger kids. In my case me and DH are having another baby but we didn't run off and become less available for our other kids to do so. I mean, naturally we will be less available in the sense that we will be busier but not in the sense that we care less or won't try equally as hard with all of our kids no matter how old they are. So if my older kids were offended at our choices I would be offended right back They think we are crazy but they are generally on board and even excited about it because we maintain a strong family unit and they know we can love another child without loving any of them any less. But for the OP I have come to realize with additional posts in this thread that her situation is different. I would be offended if I were her as well. The situation is really gray and unique for each family, there is no 'one size fits all' way to feel about these situations.

 

[liveandlove04]

I don't think the problem is that your dad is remarries or having another baby. I think the problem is that he is started new chapters when he has so many older things to mend. He has other kids he doesn't even speak to because he likes to be a bit reckless ( sorry if I offend ). I just think he needs to fix the relationship with his other kids before making new kids. I know OP has to be at least a little worried for her new sibling being raised by such irrational people even if she hasn't mentioned it. I'm sure she knows that her dad has his own life and he can make his own choice... But I think the biggest question is why the hell is he deciding to do this now with so many things on his plate?! I doubt she has a problem with her dad moving on and making another family hence the fact that she has a step child.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, all, for your understanding! My family situation is very unique and VERY weird.

Some days, I can just kinda detach myself from it and laugh at how absurd it all is.

Others, I get kinda butt-hurt.

 

[sojourn]

Some days, I can just kinda detach myself from it and laugh at how absurd it all is.

Others, I get kinda butt-hurt.

Amen sister!!!
Oh man...next time you have 8 years to listen I will tell you about the shit-show I married into. I feel the SAME way about them.

 

[Zuki]

I'm sorry, but I think that when you're at an age where you are starting your own little family it is important to think about your parents and how they affected you and what you can do differently.

So you can learn from your parents mistakes, but they can't learn from their own?

Maybe I'm just taking what you're saying wrong, but it comes across as saying it's carte blanche to use any previous mistakes a parent makes as a branch to beat them with until they correct things with you to your (general yours btw) standards.

 

[sojourn]

I'm sorry, but I think that when you're at an age where you are starting your own little family it is important to think about your parents and how they affected you and what you can do differently.

So you can learn from your parents mistakes, but they can't learn from their own?

Maybe I'm just taking what you're saying wrong, but it comes across as saying it's carte blanche to use any previous mistakes a parent makes as a branch to beat them with until they correct things with you to your (general yours btw) standards.

Your parents can learn from their mistakes. I said that. I also said that they get to do whatever they want.
Just like the kids they abandon get to be upset about it.
In what universe do children, whose parents abandon them NOT get to be upset that their parents abandoned them? I wouldn't call that a "mistake" like spanking too much, yelling a lot or not going to more little league games. That's violating rule #1 of being a parent: SHOW UP!

Kids that get abandoned often have abandonment issues that stem from that. It tends to start with them blaming themselves for their parent's decision to cut bait. So there are lingering feelings that come up when those parents decide that they're going to love some other kid when they (the original kid) was somehow not good enough/smart enough/worthy enough of that love. Maybe before the abandoning parents expect their abandoned kids to jump on their do-over family bandwagon, they DO need to do a little work repairing their relationships.

Those feelings aren't awesome, but, they are real and they are there and they are caused by the parent that abandoned their children. It's really not fair to expect abandoned to just adjust to their parents do-over families and not have any feelings about it.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

It's really not fair to expect abandoned to just adjust to their parents do-over families and not have any feelings about it.

THIS!

I didn't mean to strike a chord here, but clearly I did. Everyone is going to have feelings, and those aren't always within our control. Whether or not you think it's fair for an adult child to be hurt by a parent's "do-over," that child might feel that way. I didn't really think it was all that fair when my dad tossed my mom to the curb and cut us all off - letting us know he'd been cheating since right after I was born - either.

And my dad is REALLY, REALLY doing the whole do-over thing. His daughter just started at the same elementary school we went to, even though it's not close to where he lives. They got the exact same kind of dog we had growing up. They bought a lake house two doors down from the one we stayed at when we were kids... Heck, if they were having a boy, they were going to name him Jake.. which was what my dad and my mom had picked out for me, if I were a boy.

I suppose my "job" as an adult is to support him in whatever he wants to do... oh wait, that's his job as my dad. My job is to smile and nod and get through family get-togethers without causing a big fight. As my brother learned the hard way...not worth it.

 

[MalcolmsMiss]

I'm sorry your are experiencing such an awkward situation with your family. But can I assure you, stranger things have happened. My dad is about to do the same thing, I'm sure. He has even moved to Thailand, got himself a Thai woman, and has already said, don't be surprised if there is a new little person one day Not only do I have to deal with this, I also have to deal with the fact that my DF's ex is engaged to my BIL (DF'S bro that is) AND his younger brother is dating her younger sister. Along with that, DFs mother also had a child at the same time as her daughter, both had girls who are now 19 and 17, and very close.

I won't be surprised if you can even keep up with that, as its so f*cked up haha. But I laugh about it now, as all I care about is my daughter and my fiancé, and our up coming marriage. Once your LO is here, it won't seem as bad, I promise.

It's just horrible for your dad to have ever treat you and your brother that way, I understand, my dad basically did the same, plus more that I don't even want to go Into detail about.

And I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel, it's totally sucky but you aren't alone, we all have warped lives to some degree.

x

 

[Whitesoxfan41]

<<And my dad is REALLY, REALLY doing the whole do-over thing. His daughter just started at the same elementary school we went to, even though it's not close to where he lives. They got the exact same kind of dog we had growing up. They bought a lake house two doors down from the one we stayed at when we were kids... Heck, if they were having a boy, they were going to name him Jake.. which was what my dad and my mom had picked out for me, if I were a boy.>>

That entire paragraph is entirely too frightening for words! As you said, the topic obviously struck a chord in certain people. (myself included) but none of us have lived in your shoes or know how you are truly feeling. It's easy to strike a chord with me as I'm a hormonal psychopath who is obviously defensive about being a 42 yr old mother. I see now that your situation has absolutely nothing in common with mine. LOL!

Ps. In my defense, my air conditioning just got fixed today after 10 days of weather in the high 80's and 90's so I've also been a HOT, hormonal, crazy pregnant woman.

 

[sojourn]

I suppose my "job" as an adult is to support him in whatever he wants to do... oh wait, that's his job as my dad. My job is to smile and nod and get through family get-togethers without causing a big fight. As my brother learned the hard way...not worth it.

THIS

Also, I don't know when the hell we decided that anyone's job, ever was to support anyone with whatever they want to do.

I have a family member that wants to drink himself to death and date women who should be in high school who are cracked out on drugs then blows all of his money on them and gets arrested.

Another has severe mental illnesses and she likes to exacerbate her mania by jacking up on caffeine and staying up for days at a time while going off of her meds and having promiscuous unprotected sex with men she meets outside of the homeless shelter bumming cigarettes.

Exactly WHAT am I supposed to support in that?

RELAX PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SUPPORT PEOPLE "NO MATTER WHAT". Whether you are a parent, child, brother, sister, or whatever.
That is not real!! You can love people no matter what. But it is appropriate to set healthy boundaries with people whose life choices you disagree with so that you don't have to be subjected to the repercussions of their actions.

 

[HBGirl]

I would be upset too. But at the moment everything upsets me. LOL

 

[heatherlee06]

I dont post often, but i had to say something. I found out with my last child my mother was pregnant when my 5th child was 4 months old. The strangest thing was I had a dream around the time she was expecting. I had a sister, and I had the same feelings in this dream your facing. She has other grandchildren, she doesnt even spend much time with them. Then the good set in, now we had something in common. We both would have small children, playdates, shopping together, there for each other. It started to look like a beautiful thing, a relationship on a another level. Of course i woke up and the dream was over. But, i was sad this little girl I dreamed about, would of changed my mothers life. Still having this odd feeling for sometime, i told her about my dream. She didnt say much, so life went on. So pregnant with my 7th child she got very upset. Started yelling at me, to find out she was upset I already had 6 children to care for. Then she said She had a abortion because she had 2 grown children and had 7 grandchildren to worry about. Guess when she had that abortion, right After I had that dream, she was indeed pregnant. She called that baby her little girl. Why, because of my dream. I know I had that dream for a reason. I told her the good I seen with her and a baby, how maybe she should have one, that I seen it change her life in such a amazing way. I believe God showed me, and I related it to her. At the end of the day, she made her choice. She chose to abort her baby for 2 grown children who had their own lifes and families. Grandchildren she seen once in a awhile that she never had to care for just love. At the end of the day, we go home to our lifes and she goes home alone.

 

[Darlin65]

Not exactly the same, but I understand feeling like they aren't totally present. My dad didn't really start over. I have an 8yr old little brother. While I was still at home I didn't notice the difference much. Once I moved out I feel like there's no effort to be in my life. They're so focused on him there's no effort to be in my sons really either. It's so awkward going to visit because it doesn't feel like my family anymore. It's like they've created their own secret group without me. Conversation is hard and awkward to keep. They don't keep in touch even tho they live 15min away at most. Don't come to visit, nothing. They say they will and never do. It is frustrating at times.

My grandparents were never like this. I spent tons of time with them growing up. My grandma doesn't visit as much because of her recent fight with cancer.
Which I totally understand.

I almost feel like sometimes its because they smoke and since DS has only one functioning lung he absolutely can't be around it. I think they feel that makes it a hassle having to go outside all the time to smoke. They did great the first month but that was it.