Home Birthers & Hopefuls!

[PeanutBean]

He sounds very repressed and I think probably very afraid. Surely he would rather see a counsellor than lose you? I don't think I've ever heard of anyone who sounds more in need of facing and talking through the issues! It has to be speculation not knowing either of you but I just wonder if the birth last time has so profoundly affected him (and through how it has affected you) to close him down completely? I might be miles off, of course there could be other things I know nothing about but from what you have said about his reactions to your birth plans I think he must be terrified underneath.

 

[chuck]

I diont think he's terrified he just thinks it naive, selfish and stupid of me to HB and try hypnotherapy etc as I'm trying to rebirth Dewi and prove something to myself rather than focussing on what is important having a healthy baby.

 

[PeanutBean]

I don't know him of course, I just wonder if that is a huge facade he believes himself to protect himself from the negative feelings around Dewi's birth. Underneath maybe he's traumatised too and feels he hasn't done his job protecting you. Or maybe he's a stubborn know-it-all knob! I don't know. I just wonder. I know DH has responded to those feelings by throwing everything into protecting me from unnecessary intervention but our experience wasn't as bad as yours and he believes that it was a consequence of the hospital's actions. But everyone's different. But it's inconsequential if hr's not prepared to challenge himself; the outcome is the same, a total lack of support for you.

 

[Snarkasm]

Might I be added to the list? I'm due June 2 with child #4. This will hopefully be our 2nd home birth.

 

[MandaAnda]

Chuck, I'm glad things have mellowed a bit. Your DH sounds a lot like mine. I'm pretty sure if our marriage ever got to that point, he likely wouldn't go to counselling either. I can just see him saying something like he doesn't need others to help us sort problems out, etc. My DH isn't the emotional type. I've never seen him cry (saw tears in his eyes once, when he thought I was going to end our relationship after we'd been together about six months), and he's not into pubic displays of affection. He figures he's hard as fcuk.

Anyway, he was against me having a HB but eventually said I could do whatever I wanted, so I ended up booking it around 34 weeks. I think he still thinks that hospital is probably the "safest" place, but he also knows that I research things to death if they're important to me and that I've not made such an important decision on a whim. He knows I'll be planning a HB next time around, and even though I'm sure there's part of him that's still nervous and would rather me choose the hospital, he knows this is about me. So, what I guess I'm trying to say is, even if you can get your DH to be ok enough with it to just be there, even if he has different opinions, that just might be good enough. I'll so be having a doula next time because, even though I love my DH to bits and wanted/needed him there, he wasn't the exact kind of support I needed (even though he did remind me that I didn't want an epidural at one point and reminded me that it was healthy/good pain).

 

[KandyKinz]

Chuck - What a terrible time to have to be dealing with all this extra stress. Pregnancy can definilty put alot of extra strain on an already strained relationship especially when there's conflict in terms of things like homebirth I agree with Peanut that marital counselling would probably be the best thing right now so it's quite unfortunate that he wouldn't be agreeable to that. With that said individual counselling for yourself may be of benefit as well when navigating through this difficult time in your life. I wish I had some magical answer to fix your problems, but really it's only you who knows whether this relationship is worth staying and fighting for or if it's really time to walk out the door. Whatever it is you decide I wish you nothing but the best.


PeanutBean - You reminded me of one of the best births I have ever attended. It was a younger single mom and she had decided that she wasn't going to head to the hospital until she could no longer play on the wii... So for the first 3 hours of her labour we all played wii sports and wii dance and we all had a blast. Once she eventually decided it was time to head to hospital she was 7cm, we got to the hospital about 20 minutes later and she was 9cm and she very soon after had her baby with no interventions at all. It was lovely. We definitly need more positive birth stories around here cause they definitly can happen.

And I'm all for 'freebirthing' when there's a trained professional standing by just in case. I had originally wanted to give birth with the midwife in the next room but I quite like my UK pseudo student midwife so I definitly don't mind having her around AND I intend to make use of any labour support I can get out of her. I'm quite fond of sacral counterpressure and double hip squeezes and hubby just isn't strong enough to do the job for any length of time.... boys..... That and I also have a space issue. I'm residing in a cosy (aka small) winterized cottage in which you can pretty much see all aspects of my house from our dining room table (the living room, kitchen, front entrance, kids room door, our bedroom door....) and my birth pool will also be set up in the kitchen as that's the most convenient place to put it so wherever the midwives will be they'll very likely be in my space.

 

[PeanutBean]

Lol Kandy, maybe I'll play Endless Ocean. Very mellow!

I remember my sister in labour with her first. With my mum knowing she should go to hospital as late as possible they spent half the night watching Rattle and Hum.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Chuck, I know I'm new in here, but I do hope things work between you and DH. My husband was also against marital counselling but he went, reluctantly. Once there, he was actually glad he went, because he found it easier to say things to me with a mediator than he did when it was just the two of us. We actually listened to each other rather than took the "I'm right, you're wrong" approach.

Our marriage did get worse and in July 2010, we decided to get a divorce. I saw this as my opportunity to be free and start over. We weren't divorcing on bad terms, but wanted to do it before it got to that point. I decided I wanted another child and with the help of a sperm donor, became pregnant shortly after. My husband was devastated. It turns out, just like me, he didn't actually want the divorce and had been looking into long-term marriage counselling for us because he wasn't ready to give up on our family. He wasn't ready to let us slip away, but I had done what I had done. We continued to live separately but we were both miserable without each other. Every weekend would be the same conversation...how hurt we were and why, how much we still loved each other and wanted our family back together. I had considered adoption, but he didn't want me to go that route, and I, deep down, didn't want to either.

It still kills him that my baby isn't biologically his, but he cares about her so much already, becoming involved in trying to name her and wanting to be present at her birth. He wants me to have a hospital birth given what happened with our son, but both my hospital birth experiences were negative and I want to give homebirth a shot. He already refers to her as his daughter and we're working very hard on our relationship. We're both making huge changes. We both saw huge flaws in each other that just annoyed the other, but neither of us were willing to change. We're improving our communication and things are so much better now.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is not to give up yet. He may say he wants you out and you may feel that it's over, but it really may not be. Write him a letter. Sometimes that's the only way men will listen, and they do so without interrupting. It helps them to fully understand and see where you're coming from. Communication is key and yelling at each other and sitting at opposite ends of the couch, then cuddling in bed are not effective. Unless you communicate, through letter, verbally, etc, it'll all just get swept under the rug, to reemerge one day.

If things really do feel over, perhaps a trial separation, like what my husband and I did, might help. The shock of losing the person you love makes the heart desperate for the love back and is great motivation for change.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[KandyKinz]

Lol Kandy, maybe I'll play Endless Ocean. Very mellow!

I remember my sister in labour with her first. With my mum knowing she should go to hospital as late as possible they spent half the night watching Rattle and Hum.

Distraction can definilty be a good thing early on.... though Endless Ocean may be a bit too mellow.... I really think it was the hula hooping that sped up this girl's labour progress

 

[PeanutBean]

I was thinking of using Endless Ocean alongside hypno! Maybe it'll become a new form of relaxed birthing!

Speaking of hypno, definitely tmi but man was I more ill than I've been in yonks last night after a meal out and the cramps were agony (like full on sweat almost writhing cramps) so I breathed through them and it really helped!

 

[PeanutBean]

And I can always play it rolling around on the birth ball too. Lol

 

[KandyKinz]

What kind of food was it???

And the wiiing on the birthing ball could definitly become a new trend!

Am I weird that I specifically went out and purchased wii Just Dance 2 to distract myself in early labour while DH is filling the pool???? Figure I'll try to dance this baby into a good position before the midwives get here lol

 

[PeanutBean]

Creamy pasta followed by a too creamy pudding I couldn't finish. I have a dicky gallbladder but because of the slow digestion during pregnancy I can get away with eating richer foods but this was clearly a pudding too far. It's so weird around a big uterus too, all the feelings are in the wrong place and the bump inhibits useful positioning!

Not weird for getting a dance game. Any news on your baby's positioning?

 

[KandyKinz]

Hung out breech all day yesterday and has been very much transverse all day today. Still hoping for the best though. Birth pool is now inflated, bed is now prepared with a shower curtain, tested out the submersible pump and no one got fried.... We're ready! Though I've decided that it's my preference to have baby between March 13-20th. That way not only will I get a pisces but that's when the locum midwife will be on call and I like her so much better then my actual midwife and feel that's she'd be much more inclined with doing an ECV in labour then the other one.

That's terrible about the pudding. Are you feeling any better now? I've become quite fond of chocolate pudding during this pregnancy and it's become my happy food in times of stress

 

[2ndtimeAbz]

Last time I tried the hula hooping on the wii it gave me such strong braxton hicks I'm don't want to try it again untill labour!!

 

[Bournefree]

Hi everybody/ everybaby!

Sorry it has been all quiet from me lately.. the laptop is on it's last legs, but I have managed to fix it once again (for now)

I just caught up on all that is happening!!
Congratulations ladies on the birth of your babies!!! Can't believe how many there has been! It's truely amazing!

Big welcome to new ladies to the thread.. I wish you the very best with your pregnanies and your births, and I know we will all get to know each other well in the coming months.

Dearet Chuck, I really hope that your OH gets the equlivent of an electric shock, right up his arse, and soon! ;-)

For me - Well things are moving slowly with regards to my Homebirth.. but I have had a brilliant meeting with my Head of Midwifery on Friday, and although not totally positive, she is very supportive. I will update the thread I started, so I don't bore you all here!
Also had a good 20 wk scan on Friday, and I'm starting to really show now, so feeling rather pregnant - which is cool!
XxX

 

[KandyKinz]

Had another midwifery appt today (they are seeming WAY too close together these days!). It was an okay appt except it included the one midwife I don't care too much for and then I found out that the week that the locum midwife whom I like is on call the student midwife I also like will be off call. Bummer! So now there's no ideal time to have baby other than soon than later. Anyways, today I woke up and baby was transverse but went cephalic by the time I got to the clinic. I get the impression that the not so great midwife doesn't believe me much, though I know the student one does as when she checked me last week baby did a 360 under her hands so she's well aware of how mobile Peanut is. Oh well... baby was cephalic at this appt which means no consult this week. Fine by me. We still discussed management should baby end up transverse or breech at future appts and I've made a firm decision to be expectantly managed regardless of what position baby poses at future appts (and hopefully there won't be too many!). Last but not least, my GBS swabs came back negative Atleast that's one less thing to battle against.

 

[PeanutBean]

That's good news on the swabs and the no dr appointment this week! I decided not to get the swabs done at 35 weeks. Will see how that goes down with other mws...

 

[chuck]

I think i missed an antenatal appointment....












you know the one where they give you the talk about how by now I should be looking like shit, complaining all the time and giving up work before 38 weeks?

LOL a few times now I've had comments along the lines of wow but you look so happy/good/well...I'm jealous!

WTF??!

Shouldn't I be looking healthy and enjoying being heavily pregnant?

 

[sugarcube84]

chuck the only time i enjoyed being pregnant and looked ok was right at the end!! I had hyperemesis so didnt even show till around 24 weeks (properly not just a big meal!!) so i would have been quite happy to go to 40+ weeks!!

You enjoy beinh pregnant and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!