Home Birthers & Hopefuls!

[lousielou]

I've packed a 'birthing box' with things that I need for the birth in - massage oil, sweets etc. There are also some bits like pyjamas and a new toothbrush, which I'd need in the unlikely event of a transfer. I am however, hoping to just have a nice fresh pair of PJ's to lounge around in after the birth. If needed, I can just transfer everything to an overnight bag

 

[2ndtimeAbz]

i have my box too, but thats more stuff for birth (dustsheets/torch/tens etc) rather than clean clothes and my toothbrush!

 

[lousielou]

Torch?

 

[Jenniflower]

Jenni can I ask you a frank question? Feel free to say if you don't want to answer. Given that in the end your transfer was necessary, how did you feel about it? I mean setting aside that it was a horrid traumatic experience, did you feel reconciled with it because of the circumstances? I hope you know what I mean, this reads very badly to me but I don't know how to better word it! I am hoping that if there is a true reason I can be ok with it even if I am devastated with the way the birth went overall. I mean, I don't want to feel 'it shouldn't have been this way' and all those terrible feelings of regret that I have associated with my son's birth. Does that make any sense at all?

Hmmm interesting question. Well for me it's a bit different because the very first transfer was my decision and my choice. I had been labouring for 12 hours at home with just gas and air. Contractions 3 every 10 min the whole time and finally just cracked. I was only 2cm and my only hope was to be 3cm by the time I got to the hospital so I could have the epi. The whole ride to the hospital I mourned my home birth. I cried not because of the pain but because I felt like my body was failing me and I was failing my baby.

Once I was in the hospital things got really intense (coming every 2 min). It was so interesting standing there fighting for my right to HAVE an internal and then an epi as opposed to fighting against them like I thought I would. They checked me and I was still only 2cm. At this point I broke down and oddly so did my body, with the next few hours it just shut down. So I stayed the night with nothing more than maybe one contraction an hour. So in the morning time DH and I decided we wanted to go back home and give it another try.

I explain all this because when I had to transfer the second time and all the shit hit the fan I wasn't upset about not getting my home birth. When so many people tell me "I'm so sorry you didn't get your home birth" it upsets me so much. It's hard to explain that the trauma didn't take away my home birth, I already did that 40 hours ago when I decided to go in. The trauma took away my birth experience. It took away those precious first minutes and hours with my baby girl. It took away my ability to believe in my body.

In the end though the greatest thing I look back on with fondness is MY control over every situation. I feel that alone is helping the healing process. I think this is the question your asking. When I hear people's stories like yourself's and Chuck's I realize where most of your anguish comes from (i could be wrong here though) is the lack of control that's felt. The midwives and doctors simply took over and in the end you felt everything happens to you as opposed to having control. Even though I had this horrific experience happen to me I made each and every decision. I decided I wanted the Epi, I decided I wanted the section after much talking to the Doctor. My sister says she was impressed with me. She watched me in so much pain actually discussing my options with the consultant as opposed to just signing away my life to them.

There were a few midwives who made me feel that the reason I was in the hospital and in so much pain was because I chose a home birth in the first place. One such midwife was assigned to me. I told her she had no right to speak or treat me like that. That not only is there no reasoning behind what she said, if for some reason there was, it's the last thing a woman in so much distress mentally and physically needs to hear! Luckily she was finishing her shift just then but if she wasn't we would have asked for a new midwife. And I am sending in an official complaint about her. She will never act like this to another woman if I can help it.

To sum up! Speak up for what you want. Don't think just because you've transferred you have now given up your freedom of choice. Concentrate through what you're going through and make those tough decisions. In the end you'll heal faster. Not having anyone else to blame but yourself allows you to forgive the person you blame faster.

Sorry I couldn't fully answer your question and that I wrote a novel! I just felt like to give you an honest answer that makes sense you needed a bit of background.

 

[moomin_troll]

thats a good point peanut, i was thinking of transfering in the case of a emergency to a different maternity hospital thats 25 miles away from my home, but the local is only a 10 min drive...even tho they kill more people then they save so i best make sure ive got life insurance lol

i dont think i will need to go the hospital but i think im just doubting myself whether im brave enough to do it at home, when really there isnt a massive difference. women were giving birth long before hospitals so why cant i.

i think ile become more possitive once i start my hypnobirthing classes and am in contact with my doula

 

[Jenniflower]

Blah just read my comment back and realize it seems frightening. I should really prefix that all by saying my situation was very different than the norm! She was turning back to back on me as my labour was progressing (So annoying btw as she was perfectly LOA the whole pregnancy!) which was causing the pain. It wasn't just that she was back to back it was also her silly twisting. And the reason I never dilated was because she was trying to come out brow up with a hand in the way! She obviously never read the book on how to come out of mommy!

My midwife told me that had she stayed LOA she literally would have slipped out of me within a few hours because of how thin my cervix was and how great everything else looked. She told me this at the time to encourage me to try for another home birth. It was only later on when she tore my uterus that sadly we realized that wasn't an option any more. But I just wanted you all to know how great I was doing for the first 12 hours! If my birth had lasted that long I would have had a great story to tell.

 

[caro103]

Ah I just drove all the way to Asda for cheap shower curtains to find they'd had a sale and been cleaned out , bubs had better not come at the mo, need to find an alternative source of protective sheets now!

moomin...i had lots of wobbles about home birthing about half way through pregnancy, came to the conclusion I've nothing to lose. A home birth is planned, booked and so long as I go into spontanious labour I will def at a minimum start at home, and if all goes to plan give birth at home then, fantastic, if not then I transfer into hospital and like Jenni says make sure I stay in control!

 

[PeanutBean]

Thank you for your reply Jenni. I hope it didn't draw up any bad feelings but then I imagine you're still processing it all and going over it anyway, or at least I'm sure I would be!

You're half right about my experience with Byron and the control being taken away but it's sort of also not right. For example, I asked, begged, for the ventouse in the end and they kept trying to get me to push as I think I pushed less than an hour altogether. But I KNEW I had nothing left at that point. Perhaps similar to your asking for an epi they didn't want to give you. My experience was complicated. There was genuine malpractice - the MW who gave the internal who wouldn't "had she known my waters had been gone so long" (hello notes?); the MW who told me to push when I was 3cm and my contractions were finally picking up, ignoring me when I said I didn't know how; being pulled out of the pool when clearly it was helping; not being informed of the option of expectant management in the first place. There were the normal intervention issues, the persuasion into pain relief, the cascade. I had always felt that I was defeated at 9am that first morning when they told me I would have to go in at 7pm if I hadn't delivered. It was over from then. I couldn't rest, I couldn't labour. Researching the GBS stuff and finding out I didn't 'have' to go in knocked me for 6 as I had always felt that whilst the cascade was undesirable the transfer had ultimately been necessary. It was a shock that it wasn't. It sounds stupid now, I feel so naive. And I left thinking either of us might've died etc etc; that my body was useless; the usual. There has been a LOT to process about that birth.

This is why I'd like to think that with a genuine necessity I will be able to cope with the concept of transfer without feeling I have been defeated. It was like I'd lost the battle. I have a fear that it will be ME who decides I can't cope and I know if I went in on that basis I will never get over it. But I remember I did 35 hours of regular contractions, I had syntocinon, the epi didn't work on the contractions, I was stuck on my back feeling everything. If I can get through that why on earth wouldn't I be able to get through anything less than that which a homebirth will automatically afford? Of course it's easy to say that right now, it's not like when I was in labour I had a choice about going through it! But I think this sort of fear is something my positive thinking and active work on my mental position will help, iyswim. So then it remains, how will I feel if I really do HAVE to go in?

Moomin, I am STILL working on feeling positive and having confidence. It's neverending. I was so afraid of my labour when I got pregnant again. The process of learning and reading and better understanding what happened and my rights has all helped build my confidence over the weeks. I don't know when but I reached a militant stage and whilst I'm still sort of like that I think I'm coming through the other side to a more natural confidence. Bit by bit. I think the militant bit is maybe the fake it til you make it bit teamed up with the fury at the avoidable. You've got plenty of time yet to build your confidence too. Are you reading anything to reinforce the positive messages?

 

[PeanutBean]

Jenni your post read fine, I'm just sorry you had a traumatic time, whatever the reasons behind it. You've always been so positive and empowering and supportive to others, I felt you really didn't 'deserve' to have a labour like that but in the end there's nothing we can do about it. Babies will have a mind of their own and shit happens. I'm so glad that your positive outlook carried you through the labour in the end and that it helped you in the hospital too. I also hope that in time with healing the outlook won't be so bleak as it perhaps feels right now.

 

[moomin_troll]

the terrible mw i had with zane is leaving the hospital next month so i dont have to worry about having her again if i needed to go there but i just hate that hospital so much im terryfied of going there.

even tho i have the confidence in my body and that i can do it at home.
apart from being on here ive not looked anything up yet about homebirths, i guess i need to in order for me to feel more positive. i was pleased that in a pregnancy mag ive recently bought it actualy had a small part that was positive about homebirths saying how having one reduces the need to intervention.

i guess theres no point in worrying as this babies gota come out somehow and aslong as i go into labour myself and my body works this time all should be good.

with zane early labour started day before i was due, 2 weeks went past still in early labour i only got to 2cm and then they had to break my waters so i was pinned to a bed being ignored.

note to self.....stop thinking about the negatives lol

 

[PeanutBean]

Moomin maybe you should write your future birth story too? Give you something to focus on?

 

[moomin_troll]

before i decided if i was brave enough to have another baby i wrote a thread in the wtt section about the positives and what id do differently next time. im going to have to look thru all my threads and try to find it

 

[KandyKinz]

Jenni - I think you made a very good point about control. My first birth was a fairly straightforward induction with really no real complications but the whole experience was very horrific for me. I had absolutely no control over the situation as I didn't even know control was even an option back then.

My second birth was much better though was remarkably similar to my first in terms of length, etc... I was induced (not something I wanted....) but I went into it knowing my rights and maintained my ability to voice my requests and advocate for myself right though. It was a much better and positive experience despite not getting the natural homebirth I had wanted so badly.


And my baby is transverse again.....

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Aww, I'm sorry Kandy. These kids like to drive us crazy, eh? Anberlin can't make up her mind either. She was head down four weeks ago, head up two weeks ago and is head down again today. I'm hoping she stays that way, and I hope your little one turns right side down soon!

 

[chuck]

I hadn't even read it until now - the title of the thread has such bad grammar I couldn't face reading it.

Who or what is 'the society'?

LOL

 

[LuckyD]

It's ridiculous but even though I like her and know she is supportive I feel like I don't have that level of connection with my own. Maybe I can't actually have the level of connection I would want with anyone though. It's confusing isn't it moomin! So many things to think about and I know I feel so sensitive about so many different things and whilst learning more is making me more confident and empowered it's also making me more sensitive about other things I hadn't considered before!

This totally sums up how I feel as well! After reading Ina May I just want to go and have my baby on The Farm

Thanks for your post Jenni - I think that's the thing I want to remember as well, that wherever you are you still can have some control and decison-making about your own body and your birth.

I am having all sorts of worries pop up in between feeling positive - it's such an up and down time. I kept trying to push the worries away until I had a really good chat with my OH who encouraged me to acknowledge the worries but not let them dominate or become my whole mindset. This also fits in with some of my Calmbirth visualisations - I have found it really helpful. Otherwise I find I start worrying about being worried! I.e. 'if I don't go into this feeling 100% positive maybe this or that will happen....' - it puts a lot of pressure on myself to have to be feeling positive at all times!

 

[PeanutBean]

Yes I keep thinking I'd like Ina May as my MW please, or whoever else is fighting the cause in the States! lol

Plus I now find my confidence being shaken in my own MW thinking well does she know what to do if I am a surprise breech delivery or if the baby has shoulder dystocia?

Just had a mammoth talk with DH. He is reading the Wesson homebirth book and is impassioned and furious! It's great. He was also talking about being the only person who knows how to take care of me. Like he'll know when I need a bowl of cereal or to stand by an open window whilst others are suggesting lots of useless things. And it's true, he knows me so well and throughout pregnancy too. He's going to be a fantastic birth partner. I'm very lucky. He said he doesn't have regrets about how things turned out last time because he simply didn't know all this stuff but now he does he's completely confident in it all and confident in his own abilities to question and say no and protect me.

 

[LuckyD]

Yes I keep thinking I'd like Ina May as my MW please, or whoever else is fighting the cause in the States! lol

Plus I now find my confidence being shaken in my own MW thinking well does she know what to do if I am a surprise breech delivery or if the baby has shoulder dystocia?

Just had a mammoth talk with DH. He is reading the Wesson homebirth book and is impassioned and furious! It's great. He was also talking about being the only person who knows how to take care of me. Like he'll know when I need a bowl of cereal or to stand by an open window whilst others are suggesting lots of useless things. And it's true, he knows me so well and throughout pregnancy too. He's going to be a fantastic birth partner. I'm very lucky. He said he doesn't have regrets about how things turned out last time because he simply didn't know all this stuff but now he does he's completely confident in it all and confident in his own abilities to question and say no and protect me.

Again, that is exactly how I feel about my midwife - especially with the shoulder dystocia issue, as I keep getting told how I am having a big baby and it increases the risk. I do like her and I do trust her - but yeah, don't have that level of connection or confidence that I would ideally like. What I have been thinking is that when the time comes things may be very different - i.e. my midwife talks a LOT, sometimes too much in my opinion (i.e. spends more time sharing stories about herself than asking how I am) - but I don't think she will do this when it comes to the actual birth.

That is so fantastic about your DH - it is so great you are going into this as such a team. I think my DH will be great as well, but I must say I would prefer him to do a little bit more reading and preparation...he is super busy at the moment, and I'm not sure if it has really sunken in that this baby could be here literally at any time! He is very supportive though, I think it will be fine.

 

[lousielou]

I think my OH is the same PB - so much so that I'm ever so slightly concerned he won't actually even call the midwives

 

[2ndtimeAbz]

The MW asked me to get a torch in case they need to put stitches in. Won't disturb my low-lit atmosphere

I might be in very early labour!
I woke up with contractions at 3, only every 45mins tho. Went back to sleep around 5 and just woke up to another one now! Meant to be at work today, shall I go or not???