How can we help them?

[luci and bump]

Hope you ladies don't mind me popping in here, but I'm hoping you can offer some advice
4 days ago, someone OH and I work with had their little boy, 12 weeks early. They tried to stop her labour, but they couldn't, and Issac was born.
He's in the NICU, under heat lamps etc, they tried taking him off his breathing tubes and his lungs collapsed
We really want to do something for our friend and his partner, but we don't know what to do!
suppose what I'm asking is, was there anything anyone did for you after the birth of your preemie that really helped you?
Thanks in advance, and hope I haven't offended anyone by posting in here

 

[dizz]

I'd say - treat it like the birth of any other baby - congratulate them, make the noises that he's beautiful if they show you photos (even if he does look more pink and shrivelled than you'd expect)... the no-congratulations thing really really bugged me so badly when our daughter was born - especially from the medical staff - the ONE doctor who came in and said, "first of all, congratulations" - I seriously could have snogged (ok so he was gorgeous as well which helped that idea along...)

Depending on the size and circumstances you might want to buy them a preemie-sized outfit, although quite often it'll be ages till they get to the point of wearing clothes (I know our NICU deters parents from using their own on the grounds it's more stuff to get lost) - some of the big Mothercares are starting to stock the really tiny stuff, but it varies - or even something in early baby size that they might get to wear sooner rather than all the newborn stuff it feels like you're never ever ever going to get the baby to fit into... or something like a nice blanket or toy for them to have in the cot when they're able to - someone happened to have randomly bought us a teddy in among the new baby normal stuff and he ended up living in her cot all the way through the hospital stay.

Things like hand cream for the parents - the constant hand gels absolutely wreck the living daylights out of your hands (add in the fact my eczema went nuts with the stress as well and I was a ball of red cracks and itchy!).... or making sure they've got something decent to eat - even if it's ye olde cliche of dropping a casserole around or something for when they get in from the hospital - they're likely to be existing on a combination of nothing and bad hospital sandwiches (or if they've kept her in - the supreme horror of weeks of hospital cookery... I still have nightmares about mixed veg).

 

[bumpsmum]

I can only echo what dizz has said, it's the little things that help, if they already have kids offer to help out with child care etc some good home cooking or even some baking or fresh fruit that they can snack on during the long hours in NICU most of all give them as much time and space as they need, they will be grieving the end of the pregnancy as well as birth of the baby and as Dizz says 'congratulations' goes a long way.......I'm preg with no3 and due to early births the only reactions I've had is 'oh f**k' and *s**t' bit his heartening reallly. You really are a good friend to be seeking out advice all the best to your friend xx

 

[luci and bump]

We've said congratulations etc, it just seemed natural to do that He didn't look quite as I'd expected him to, he looks like a little fighter bless him. They've kept the mum in for now, apparently they want to send her home Fri, but according to our friend, she is going to refuse to come out until Issac can comr too. Can she do that?? I think I might get OH to help me make them some meals etc. We don't really know the mum, but the dad is so lovely. They tried for so long to have this LO (he's their first) I might put together a little package for them, with a few pamper bits. Would you have liked a cinema voucher or something? Just trying to think of things that might make them feel "normal" without offending them

 

[toothfairyx]

Cooking a few meals that they can bung in the oven or even offering to do a supermarket run would be a massive help I'm sure.
Mum won't be able to stay in until Isaac comes out either, but let the hospital sort out that one!

 

[dizz]

Think it depends on the hospital - they kept me in for the duration, but our stay in NICU wasn't ever going to be that long, and the bulk of the stay was in transitional care (and being cynical I think it's very convenient for them to be able to run that care system with one staff member by getting the mums to do the bulk of the care work...)... I know the other hospital locally will put parents into their patient hotel while babies stay in NICU, and another local hospital has flats for the families to stay in - but it's luck of the drawer where you end up being sent for cot spaces (grrr) another poor woman I was speaking to had spent nights after a c-section sleeping on sofas in the consultant's office and been on approx a 200 mile round trip of the entire Midlands around different NICUs!

Even just something like a gift card so they can go shopping for clothes that are actually going to fit sooner than later might help - I know it really mattered to me when we got the chance to buy a few things in a preemie size for her ourselves... we'd had lots from the grannies going out doing emergency shopping trips for whatever they could find - but it felt a bit like we'd been robbed of the chance to dress our own child in our choosing if that makes any sense at all? (Granted I now can't see the set we bought in Mothercare without bawling my eyes out but that's another story...)

 

[25weeker]

Food and a little package sounds lovely. TBH I don't think I would have used cinema tickets if they had been given to me because you can't keep your phone on incase the neonatal call especially in the early weeks when everything is a rollercoaster. Everyone will probably have a different opinion on this so it's a bit hit & miss. Maybe a little blanket for the baby as most neonatal's allow you to use your own blankets. Just make sure it is a machine washable one because my friend bought me a gorgeous one from John Lewis and I didn't even think to look at the label but knew I had to wash it before putting it in the incubator and it came out the size of a face cloth

It is likely the baby will be in for a minimum of 7/8 weeks and although the mum feels like she wants to stay at the hospital now she will hit a point where she wants to go home. As pp some neonatal's have rooms for parents to stay in and some don't so it will really depend where they are.

 

[AP]

Thats true, in the early days you want to stay there full stop, but there does come a point when you realise theres only so much you can do. Most hospitals arent equipped to let neonatal parents stay the full length of the babies stay too, and I know that where we were, rooms were limited and priority was given dependant on the circumstances.

Like 25weeker I wouldnt have used cinema tickets either, I'd have sat in panic the whole time.

A gift card sounds nice, we spent the latter weeks between visiting the hospital preparing for baby to come home and bought some adequate and meaningful stuff, and toys

 

[lozzy21]

A some food and goodies would be nice, you can spend a fortune in hospital on food. Things like crisps, cereal bars, things that can be grabbed and shoved in a pocket as well as home cooked food they can just reheat.

 

[meant2bamummy]

The above posters have some great ideas! we lived 40-45 mins away from the 2 hospitals my girls stayed in, and someone also got us a gift card for a nicer restaurant so that we could get out and have a nice meal together (because you soon lose that ability!). You can still keep your phone on. And it was very nice for the 2 of us to get away for a little bit. My girls were 8 weeks early and did very well, so we actually did go to the movies once. Since their LO was 12 weeks early, you could put together a "date night" basket (spagetti noodles, sauce, bottle of wine/sparkling juice, a DVD (maybe comedy!!), microwave popcorn, and some m&m's). So they can enjoy an evening in, with supper and a movie from the comforts of home, fully able to answer the phone if needed. And, if they don't want to use it while bubs is in the hospital, it will last until they are home and snuggled up with their baby!

 

[stephwills]

Not sure if anyone has said this but lifts back and fore the hospital are the biggest help for me. It's exhausting enough as it is but driving to and from hospital just adds to the stress plus it helps save on fuel expenses. The other thing im struggling with at the moment is keeping the house clean as there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Maybe some cleaner vouchers would come in handy?? X

 

[Dinah93]

Great idea above - include an IOU in it saying - when your baby is nearly ready to come home we'll send around a cleaner so the place is dust free and spotless when they arrive - I was in transitional care for 3 nights before she came home, and knowing it would be perfect when I brought her back really eased my worries about bringing her out.

Different hospitals have different rules, I know I said I wanted to stay in with my 28 weeker, but at 12 days when I was finally well enough to go home I actually needed to leave for my own sanity. In the end she was term + 4 weeks when we got to come home so I'm glad I didn't stay all that time, although I did stay with her when we were at two hospitals away from home. It's actually worse being there all the time, you can get quite panicy. I'd think she'd had a bad day where actually I'd just seen more blips than usual as I'd been there 24 hours rather than my usual 12.

 

[AP]

I just thought - maybe a mothercare/boots/babies r us gift card. Cause y'know what I would have spent that on? A breast pump and milk bags!

 

[rbourre]

The biggest help for us was food. My husbands aunt made us a huge shepherds pie and it was so nice to just stick it in the microwave for a couple of minutes instead of cooking.

Maybe I'm different than everyone else, but I would have loved movie tickets. I needed to do things sometimes to get away from the hospital. My husband won tickets to medieval times dinner and tournament a few weeks after my daughter was born. We went and called it our celebration of our daughter being born, plus it was a nice distraction from the hospital for a few hours.

 

[Foogirl]

Echo the food and goodies stuff. it was our biggest expense. Or you could find if there is a restaurant close to the hospital and buy a gift voucher for a slap up meal there. The main thin though, rather than gifts is to offer help. Whether it be to offer help with babysitting, or housework or lifts to the hospital or anything. Ask them what they need and organise the troops to help if needs be.

But most of all, dear god yes, shower them with congratulations, with balloons with flowers with over priced, over cliched "you've had a baby" tat. I hate all that stuff but my goodness it bothered me that every other mum got it and I didn't!

Honestly, I'd steer away from gifts for mums she'll be able to use eventually. For me I could have used them almost right away and it was a reminder of how pregnant I didn't get to be. You might also want to find somewhere near to the hospital that does manicures or facials or massage etc, just to give mum the opportunity to be away for half an hour or so and feel human again. My brother in law was supposed to come round and cut and colour my hair. He found every excuse under the sun not to do it but I was desperate to have it done.

Lastly, make a massive fuss when they get to take their LO home. Welcome home card or gift for the baby. It was the biggest, but least celebrated part of our journey. Just don't ask them - ever - when they think that might be.

I do love it when friends/relatives/co-workers have no idea but have the forethought to come in here and ask our advice. That in itself is a sign they are probably going to be a good person for these preemie parents to have in their lives.

 

[jandksmommy]

I have a very early preemie in the NICU at the moment (born at 23 +6) and I have to say that the things I have appreciated the most are the small decorations (tiny stuffed bears, homemade posters...) that I am allowed to put in her 'pod' to brightened it up and the frozen meals that friends and family have made for us. Somedays I am just too exhausted and stressed to worry about eating so it's nice to pull one of my sisters homemade lasagnas out of the freezer and warm it up.

 

[dizz]

I had severe helium balloon envy at one point foogirl!

 

[Foogirl]

Me too. And I HATE balloons!

 

[vermeil]

oooh how thoughtful of you to ask for ideas!!

I strongly ditto the meals and just general help. I really appreciated the ready food and the lifts to the hospital. I could have driven but I was such a mess the first few weeks it was just one less stress. Also perhaps a hospital parking pass? Not the most sexy gift but it`s one less thing for parents to worry about.

 

[labmommy]

I have two great friends that came and brought me lunch. They sat with me in the waiting room whhile I ate then left. It was great to 'step out' while still being there since one of my sons was in critical care in the nicu. They also brought me a big bag full of treats I could keep in the locker of the waiting room. Snacks, gum (always good), crystal light, cookies, m & m's, magazines, some prayer cards, deoderant, advil, face wipes for refreshment, a notebook with pen, saint medallions to take to the incubators, small teddies for the boys inside of their beds, hand creme. It took a long time to make it through the bag, most things were small travel size, but it was such a treat, and now, months later, I won't forget it.