How can you TTC when you don't dtd often?

[Iveneverseen]

Just gonna point this out your posting in the wrong section and for women like me who just had their ttc dates cancelled it is very aggravating to see this type of post.

Wow, that's rude. I felt it was perfectly clear from her post that she isn't yet ttc.

Your situation is no worse than anyone else's. We should all be able to support each other even if our situations are different. What next, you are offended by me being here because I have already ttc and miscarried?

Thanks Hun.

I came on here for support i am feeling rubbish as it is, and we are not planning on ttc till Autumn, and we may have to abort our plan so i don't appreciate those comments. it is not my fault she has to put it back i have my own problems.

 

[loeylo]

I think ttc is a hugely emotive time and we get so worked up by our own situations sometimes it is hard to see that others are suffering too. I have a friend who is due around about the same time as my due date for my most recent loss (as well as friends with babies who were born around the due dates of my previous losses) and I don't let my sadness detract from their happiness.

Offence is something which is taken, not given. If you don't like something, don't read it.

 

[Iveneverseen]

It's not like Im bragging i am ttc and she is not. I'm not even ttc I'm not even having sex fgs i may not be able to ttc at all. so hurt and angry by that poster.

Sorry i don't mean to take it out on you.

 

[Almostmom]

I'm so sorry hun, about your situation and the aggressive poster. Maybe it wasn't clear to her because she is already upset, I apologise on her behalf.

I also think you should seek professional help. My DH is the one who initiates most of time and when we did pre marital counselling we were made to promise and sign a declaration to say we will put each other's needs or wants before our own and it was specific: sex! Whether I feel like it or not I must compromise for his sake and vice versa.

Another thing you can try is battering for it, rewarding him with the things he needs and thinks are important maybe he'll realise how poorly he has been treating you.
I wish you all the best.

 

[Iveneverseen]

The I know counselling is not an option as he doesn't think there is a problem. And both of us wouldn't feel comfortable about talking about intimate things with someone else. Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe I am not putting his wants before mine, if this is all marriage is its so hard and draining. We are not talking.

 

[Lirpa11]

Hi, im really sorry you're going through this, I hope my post didnt come across offensive as I can say I didn't really know this could happen. I've usually heard of women losing sex drives but not men, so I am not aware of this situation.

I know I have read sometimes women can lose interest after a baby or after a few children, and that schedulling sex can help. It sounds boring to schedule sex, but it can help you feel more intimately connected and maybe give your sex life a boost?

I know your hubby probably doesn't think there's an issue, but could you try to schedule it even one day a week when you know will usually be convenient? Whether it's even a quickie in the shower or something maybe it can boost the sex drive to come back for you two?

 

[pinklightbulb]

Wow, some rude shrews in here, unbelievable! I have swung back and forth from WTT to NTNP while waiting to TTC for real and no sex equals WTT in my book, how the F are you supposed to get pregnant without baby gravy. Wow.

Anyway, I feel your pain honey bun, OH lies and says we will TTC one month and the next says we're never having more ever, and won't put out at all just to make sure. I've gone from sex once a day at one point, to more than six months without, to only in non-fertile periods, with a couple of accidents in O-ville in between because he has f*cked up that month and not pulled out. (Then cries about me maybe getting pregnant when he agreed to TTC just a couple of months ago anyway.) It's gut-wrenching when you only want one thing and circumstances (or a lying/unwilling/sexless OH) prevents it from happening when they know damn well there's only one way to do it

 

[skycastles]

Have you read the WebMD website article on "Loss of Libido in men"?
If you haven't, I highly recommend reading it, and picking a good time to read it together with your OH too. Points in the article like where they encourage more physical affection outside of the bedroom, and also describe how libido loss doesn't happen overnight, really helps to acknowledge the problem in a blame-free manner. It is also easier and less stressful to work out little steps and gestures to improve the physical intimacy, rather than focus on the end goal which is more sex.
I wouldn't think too much about times you don't feel like it when he initiates, but don't withhold intimacy. Make him cuddle instead!
Sorry if none of this relates to your personal circumstances but I hope it works out for you eventually in time to TTC

 

[Iveneverseen]

Thanks everyone, it really wears me down. I hate planning it and often when we do it doesn't tend to happen. He doesn't think it's a problem and thinks we could make a effort but it isn't me that is not up for it. He says this but never makes the effort himself. I feel really rubbish I'm 28 don't want to have the sex life of a pensioner. It seems a bit of a taboo subject. He thinks there is no issue and I'm not grateful. If he wants a child but can't make the effort it can't happen. Tonight in bed he was rubbing my tummy I told him to stop, it's like rubbing salt in the wounds, and a bit too intimate considering we may end up ttc at all. We don't usually have any problems with kissing and cuddling but sometimes I wanna reject him like he does me just for him to feel how I do. No doubt I'll be back to not thinking about sex in a few days and it flaring up again in a few months. X

 

[Iveneverseen]

He's asked me to go to the cinema just us tonight, I can get over how he just acts like nothing is wrong. does he really expect me to just be happy with the situ?

 

[butterbaby]

It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.

I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex.

Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.

Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?

Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.

Thanks Hun.

As far as i am aware he doesn't watch porn, that is what he tells me and he say's he wouldn't wanna watch it unless i did with him. he doesn't get exited about it like he would when he was single.

It hasn't always been like this it was once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month now once every 5-6 weeks. but we have went 2 months without.

I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him, but he just says he is tired, sore ect he suffers ibs but was like this before then.

We have had this problem for years, we have got 3 kids (2 together) but it's just got worse and worse. i just don't think he really cares about my needs at all.

I just tend to try forget about it now, the odd time it will upset me. i vow to reject him next time like he does me, but he rarely initiates it, and when he does i give in and i hate myself for that.
as when he rarely does want to i always give him it.

last night he was watching a programme with a sex schene on (he watches a few programmes with frequent sex schenes in) and i just got upset and went to bed.

he say's he wants another child, but if he has trouble putting out now, how is he gonna manage when it comes to it.

I just wanna spend the night in my room away from him it upsets me. i dont get like this on regular occurrence, just once every few months then i get over it again.

It sounds like there's a few things going on here that you both need to communicate about or get help with. I have not been in your shoes but it doesn't seem healthy to want to with hold sex out of resentment. It's also doesn't seem right that he would say he wants a child yet makes no effort. I know you said you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing intimate stuff with another person but it doesn't sound like you guys are getting to the root issues. I could be totally wrong but that's just my outsider view.

Also if he does suffer physical ailments that decrease his sex drive (this was an issue for me for a long time - major IBS) you should talk to him about trying to find ways to make him feel better, whether it's medical treatment or lifestyle changes.

I hope you guys can sort things out!

 

[Iveneverseen]

It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.

I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex.

Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.

Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?

Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.

Thanks Hun.

As far as i am aware he doesn't watch porn, that is what he tells me and he say's he wouldn't wanna watch it unless i did with him. he doesn't get exited about it like he would when he was single.

It hasn't always been like this it was once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month now once every 5-6 weeks. but we have went 2 months without.

I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him, but he just says he is tired, sore ect he suffers ibs but was like this before then.

We have had this problem for years, we have got 3 kids (2 together) but it's just got worse and worse. i just don't think he really cares about my needs at all.

I just tend to try forget about it now, the odd time it will upset me. i vow to reject him next time like he does me, but he rarely initiates it, and when he does i give in and i hate myself for that.
as when he rarely does want to i always give him it.

last night he was watching a programme with a sex schene on (he watches a few programmes with frequent sex schenes in) and i just got upset and went to bed.

he say's he wants another child, but if he has trouble putting out now, how is he gonna manage when it comes to it.

I just wanna spend the night in my room away from him it upsets me. i dont get like this on regular occurrence, just once every few months then i get over it again.

It sounds like there's a few things going on here that you both need to communicate about or get help with. I have not been in your shoes but it doesn't seem healthy to want to with hold sex out of resentment. It's also doesn't seem right that he would say he wants a child yet makes no effort. I know you said you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing intimate stuff with another person but it doesn't sound like you guys are getting to the root issues. I could be totally wrong but that's just my outsider view.

Also if he does suffer physical ailments that decrease his sex drive (this was an issue for me for a long time - major IBS) you should talk to him about trying to find ways to make him feel better, whether it's medical treatment or lifestyle changes.

I hope you guys can sort things out!

I have never withheld sex ever, but i feel used when i give in.
It's not fair i don't get sex when i want it but he does.

he had this problem way before he got ibs.

I just don't know weather to just accept this is how it is going to be and move on, i don't know how to though.

 

[jtr2803]

You need to decide if you are just having a vent here because its just that time again or whether you see this as such a genuinely large fundamental problem in your relationship that you would leave?

Most people think its just a problem that can be 'fixed' and there is clearly a reason for the lack of sex drive but sometimes there just isn't. We are all made differently and we are who we are.

I decided before we got married that there was so much right in my relationship that I would accept my husband as he is (just like he accepted me with my quirks) and love him regardless. If he wasn't affectionate it might be a different story but he is and I know he loves me, that desire part of his brain is just lacking and always has been.

Yes, I get frustrated at times but I trust him that if/when our time to TTC comes, he will be on the right page there with me so I refuse to worry about it any more. There are many that can't live in that type of relationship so no one would think you were wrong if you decided it was too much to cope with.

Hugs, I know it sucks sometimes x

 

[Symphony7]

You need to decide if you are just having a vent here because its just that time again or whether you see this as such a genuinely large fundamental problem in your relationship that you would leave?

Most people think its just a problem that can be 'fixed' and there is clearly a reason for the lack of sex drive but sometimes there just isn't. We are all made differently and we are who we are.

I decided before we got married that there was so much right in my relationship that I would accept my husband as he is (just like he accepted me with my quirks) and love him regardless. If he wasn't affectionate it might be a different story but he is and I know he loves me, that desire part of his brain is just lacking and always has been.

Yes, I get frustrated at times but I trust him that if/when our time to TTC comes, he will be on the right page there with me so I refuse to worry about it any more. There are many that can't live in that type of relationship so no one would think you were wrong if you decided it was too much to cope with.

Hugs, I know it sucks sometimes x

The bolded part. Sometimes it's important to realize that a person just naturally can have a lower sex drive. I would definitely see both a doctor and a counsellor in you position, but his lack of desire might just be normal for him. I know I had only a moderate sex drive when I met my husband, and it has declined in kind of the same manner as your husband in the last four years. Doesn't mean I don't love him, sometimes sex is just so exhausting on top of everything else and I have to force myself to do it. Once I get started I'm always happy to have it, it's just the getting started part.

Maybe that is something to try with him? Spend some time just doing the foreplay part with the knowledge that either of you could say that's plenty for the night. And keep trying that, it might not always end in sex but it's easier to get started from there if there's not so much pressure. So, for example , ask him if he'd be willing to just make out for a bit and see where it goes from there. It takes less energy to do that than know you are going to go for a full blown session. And that might be some of his problem, coming up with the energy. Once he gets going, if he's feeling good, he should want to continue.

 

[Iveneverseen]

I have offered the foreplay but he has declined many times, and it hasn't always been once every 6 weeks. i personally find it wrong to deny your spouce of sex and have them feeling like this. i would never deny anything and if i was doing anything to make him unhappy i would change it. I am 28 so don't want to have such an non existent sex life.

I would never in a million years leave my marriage for lack of sex i have really strong views on marriage so it's unlikely i would leave him and break up our family for that reason.

However you cannot deny someone of something so important and expect them to be fine and happy about it, it comes with consequences.

He said tonight he gets broody and wants another child but the ball is in his court, he needs to make that happen. If he doesn't sort out this problem there wont be another child i think i have put up with it long enough.

But we need to realise that what we do or what we don't do his consequences.
You can only reject someone so long before they start to reject you back!

 

[Iveneverseen]

Well I Had a chat with my Husband a couple of nights ago.
I told him how it makes me feel (again) and that if it would make him happy we will just not bother with sex or another child.

He said it wouldn't make him happy, (confusing right?)
he said he REALLY want's another baby, he saw a little baby the other day. and he got broody. he says he wants to try in September. and we will have sex more often (he has said that before)

So i guess we will see. It has now been 5 weeks since we last dtd so we will see, he has said this about the sex before so i'm not getting over exited about the prospect of more sex till he lives up to the bargain. Lol

thank you all for the support. xx

 

[fairyy]

Hi. I can very much feel your situation. I had been there. We started NTNP in January 2013. I was kind of TTC. I used opk secretly and tried to get my man in the mood. But I failed many times. Few times we did but no BFP. He was not completely ready to be a daddy and kept pushing the TTC date further and further.

His sex drive is also not very high. I had to initiate and very often rejected. I explained how it feels but no improvement. Then really I got pissed and stopped initiating and now what I am noticing is that he is the one who is initiating more often. We haven't got a positive HPT yet. We are planning to actively TTC from May/June. I hope that goes well. He is now totally ready to be a daddy and now I can really feel that he wants to try.

My suggestion stop initiating for few days and see what happens. It didn't work for me in first try. We used to go two weeks without sex if I don't initiate and then I had to initiate. But eventually he stepped up and I stepped down vice versa.

You can try opk and have sex on positive days. That's only two/three days of sex. Try that. I wish you get pregnant soon. Loads of love and goos wishes.

 

[Iveneverseen]

Hi. I can very much feel your situation. I had been there. We started NTNP in January 2013. I was kind of TTC. I used opk secretly and tried to get my man in the mood. But I failed many times. Few times we did but no BFP. He was not completely ready to be a daddy and kept pushing the TTC date further and further.

His sex drive is also not very high. I had to initiate and very often rejected. I explained how it feels but no improvement. Then really I got pissed and stopped initiating and now what I am noticing is that he is the one who is initiating more often. We haven't got a positive HPT yet. We are planning to actively TTC from May/June. I hope that goes well. He is now totally ready to be a daddy and now I can really feel that he wants to try.

My suggestion stop initiating for few days and see what happens. It didn't work for me in first try. We used to go two weeks without sex if I don't initiate and then I had to initiate. But eventually he stepped up and I stepped down vice versa.

You can try opk and have sex on positive days. That's only two/three days of sex. Try that. I wish you get pregnant soon. Loads of love and goos wishes.

I'm not worried about him not being ready as we already have kids and he told me he really wanted to try this year. (see post above)

I don't initiate it now, maybe once every 6 weeks of no sex.

I know when I'm ovulating, but i am more worried of him acting putting out 2,3 times a week when we are ttc when atm it's once every 6weeks.

Thank you for your best wishes and support xx

 

[Iveneverseen]

Well Today I went for my Cervical smear test, it wasn't my first one but i was REALLY nervous. I got there and the nurse proceeds to tell them there will be a trainee doctor in the room and she will be carrying out the test with her there. (great 2 people)

she then asks what contraception i used.....(started feeling even worse now) i said nothing. she asks oh as in ttc? i said no as it not having sex.
she then asks when my youngest was born????

and then they get on with the test and start discussing my cervix ( i really dont wanna hear about my cervix)

When i left i felt embarrassed, it went fine. but the questions about the contraception and if i was trying did it. i thought it's been nearly 8 weeks since we last dtd and i cant see it happening anytime in the next couple weeks (by then 10-11-12 weeks??)

I told my husband i felt embarrassed his reaction ignore me or tell me to be quiet. i have to go through this embarrassment because of him?? he doesnt see how much and many things it affects me and my mood.

3.5 years ago when i got it done i was ttc, Now we are going 2 months each time without.

 

[Iveneverseen]

Am I seriously the only person on this thread with this problem??