How can you TTC when you don't dtd often?

[Earthylove]

wow i'm really sorry about this. I agree with the others who said there needs to be some kind of third party intervention like a doctor and/or counselor. A doctor to rule out any physical problems (if you go and get your physicals done, there is no reason why he can't too) and a counselor to address the relationship.

It's interesting that he says says there isn't a problem because this isn't a question of whether or not there is a problem. there is one because you're hurting. It is not up to him to determine if there is a problem or not. if left unchecked, pain and resentment can destroy a relationship and that's a problem. feeling pain and rejection is a problem.

I get what you mean about wanting to deny or reject him next time he initiates something you crave. I've tried that with my DH before and it sucks because it doesn't work and I'm the one who ends up hurting, not him! this only makes things worse. I really feel like counseling is the way to go here.

 

[Iveneverseen]

Earthylove is your husband the same?

I am really against the counsellor and don't feel it right to be talking about our marriage with some stranger, plus talking never works with him.

I don't know what to do but i can't help feel all these bad things towords him i don't want to but it's his actions that cause me to feel like that.

Tonight me & him went food shopping and a friend was babysitting. we were talking as normal but felt uncomfortable when he wanted to hold my hand. he then put his hand on my leg on the bus and it made me feel physically sick, i started moving around and staring out of the window but he asked what was wrong i said nothing as i continued to stare out the window.

Can't help but feel uncomfortable and sick about today.

Tomorrow is valentines day and he got a big box of chocs delivered to the house which i wasn't expecting i dont really know what to do.

we are supposed to move house next week and i looked forword to it new house and our future now im thinking future of what more of THIS!!!

I just don't want to get close to him and can't help but not want to cuddle hold his hand or kiss him, i guess when you have been sexually rejected for years maybe you put up a barrier or feel different without trying??

 

[AJCash]

You're talking to strangers about it now. If you were in a counselor with your sweetheart, at least you'd BOTH be able to talk about it and with someone who has the education, training, and experience to help you guys move forward.

As someone who has been in your husband's shoes, I can tell you that the more frustrated my husband got about my lack of interest, the less interested I felt. Nothing he did made me -more- interested in sex, but fighting about it sure turned me off even more. I can't speak as to whether your husband would feel the same way or not, but that's exactly the sort of thing you two could be working out in counseling.

My husband wouldn't go to counseling either..... and it took about two years for me to work through it on my own and there's still issues that probably won't ever be worked out because it sure seems like he just expected me to do all the work by myself and I resent the heck out of that. I can't say what made me come back around in the end - I just swallowed the resentment at the time, did it anyway, and have had a more open conversation with my spouse about why I think our sex life was and still often is lousy. It was a super painful conversation that I really wish I'd never had to have, but it had to happen. I think a counselor could have guided us through that conversation with a bit less misery and I'm still a bit sore when I think about how he dug his heels in and refused to go to a counselor and made it all on my shoulders to fix everything. Every time we ever fight about anything, it comes up. Still.

Obviously, everybody's situation is different, but I hope I've at least offered some support for agreeing with the others that you should go to counseling.

Really, we're just totally untrained strangers here who you're baring your soul to already. Might as well take advantage of a stranger with a degree over the peanut gallery.

 

[Iveneverseen]

Why did you want to go to counselling and why were you resentful if all the cards where in your hands?

We are both really against counselling i don't see it helping at all.

I guess if you push someone away you have to be pushed for one day for them to do the same.

It is his problem as he is the one that refuses to put out well he only has himself to blame when i don't want to kiss or cuddle him. and he will need to forget having another child, as he is the only one preventing that from happening.

also i barely mention it at all now, sorry but i just really find to drag someone into a marriage and deprive them of important needs is very selfish.

Hubby doesn't like when i push him away now, welcome to my world but ive dealt with it a hell of a lot longer.

I just don't know what the mind games are about with going on about having another baby.

 

[MissMcCoy]

In all honesty it sounds like he is trying. Before working on the sexual part of your marriage you have to work on you two first. It really sounds like he is trying.
Show him that you appreciate him. His touch, his cuddling, his valentines gifts. The closeness and togetherness will lead you in the right direction.

I think maybe you guys should hold off on trying for more babies when you've got so much conflict going on between you.

Seeing a councillor is not sharing personal matters with a stranger. Its getting marriage help from a professional.
Its a tool you can use to fix your marriage, should you decide that your marriage is important enough to fix.

 

[Iveneverseen]

Miss maccoy our marriage is fine thanks you cannot comment on.our marriage when you don't know about it. The only thing I've complained about is the sex nothing else our marriage is good thanks we wouldn't be together ten years if it wasn't. We will have another if he makes the effort.

Not sure how you think he is trying. Thanks for those who have been supportive.

 

[MissMcCoy]

Take the advice you want to take and leave what you don't... Public forum with people around the world offering their thoughts. There is bound to be differing information.
Just offering my own thoughts on the situation.

Hope you have a good love day!

 

[Iveneverseen]

Yes I appreciate the support. But what i don't appreciate is people telling me There is a lot of conflict in my marriage and we should not have another child.

I'm sorry but you don't know anything about us, or our marriage. i have not complained about my marriage or said anything else other than the sex issue, so i'm not sure where you get there is a lot of conflict. I'm sure your relationship is not perfect, but i'm not about tocomment and tell you not to have children.

Thanks to those who gave advice, we will see what happens and for the record my Husband REALLY wants to have another child but i guess that is up to him to make that happen.

thanks all i think valentines is a load of bull! Lol

 

[kksy9b]

Honestly, you are coming off pretty hostile, and I'm sure it stems from your frustration with the situation. You asked for advice and miss mccoy was just trying to offer her perspective on the situation. No harm or judgement was meant.

In the end, the only thing that will fix things is you and your husband having an open honest conversation about it. Not just a "we need to have more sex" but "why is it such a struggle for us to connect physically." You both need to sit down and be very introspective about yourself. There is a disconnect somewhere that, once discovered, can hopefully start to work towards fixing it. Start small- is there someone that can watch your children for an hour or two? Sit down and cook dinner and just talk. Maybe next time cuddle together watching a movie etc. You have to build back up to a healthy physical relationship, but that can't happen until all of the resentment is gone and your husband (and you) have worked through whatever is killing the sex drive.

My husband and I have gone through patches throughout our 11 year relationship where he has more of a drive and I don't and visa versa. It is hard. It can be painful and tiring to be rejected time and time again. We decided in the end that no matter what, once a week we will be intimate with each other. No matter how tired or stressed or anything. Once a week is what we committed. And over time we found that being intimate helped us communicate better with each other because we could be more relaxed and felt more in tune with each other. In general made things much easier between us.Eventually, it became less of a "chore" and was fun again.

I hope you are able to find the help that you are looking for. There is no quick and easy fix. And at this point, it is not all on him as you talk about how you have (essentially) given up. I know how hard and frustrating it can be... I have been there. But your husband needs help as well, though he may not really realize it, and it falls under one of your duties as his wife to try everything to help... even if that means being uncomfortable in counseling or whatever it calls for. It is not all on you- he needs to take ownership of his issues and face them head on. But it is unfair to leave him to deal with it on his own as well.

I hope you are able to work though everything and be happier with him in the end

 

[Iveneverseen]

How does it come accross as hostile because we are not having sex? as i said noone can comment as they don't know what your relationship outside of sex is like.

and i'm not sure what you expect me to do if he doesn't have the drive. we have spoke about it time and time again and what will be will be.

and neither of us have the desire to speak to someone about it.

It's only sex it's hardly like our whole relationship is suffering. i am getting used to it and have my own way of dealing with it.

you don't need sex!! doesn't make your marriage hostile.

Our marriage is actually great, we get on great and are happy. it's just the sex thing that Was an issue that is it.

 

[Iveneverseen]

as i said no one has a perfect relationship with no problems, that doesn't exist!

My husband made a suggestion for sex tonight, but i was happy to leave it for now
I am getting better at this ;-)

 

[kksy9b]

I meant hostile towards the poster, not in your marriage.

And it is about finding the root cause of the issue with the sex drive. He may not really realize what it is but it is clearly affecting both of you deeply. Just having more sex is like putting a bandaid on the wound instead of healing it, if that makes sense. Maybe your DH feels insecure about something or embarrassed/shy etc. Maybe he is really stressed about something in another area and doesn't realize it and is affecting his drive. Talking and talking and talking some more is what will lead to a breakthrough and help you reconnect emotionally, which will help you reconnect physically.

In any case, I wish you the best and hope you all are able to sort it all out

 

[Iveneverseen]

Thanks he just has a low sex drive. But I'm thinking I will get a low sex drive too as they say the less you have it the less you want it. In that case it will benefit things.

 

[Earthylove]

wow, Iveneversen. It sounds like you are much more at peace about the situation than you were a while back in your previous posts! glad to see you're having a positive outlook on your marriage. Hope things work out for you guys

 

[Iveneverseen]

Thanks I unfortunately gave into temptation last night and dtd, bit disappointed with myself. I.guess the down side to not dtd is no more babies but I guess we will have to see how things go. He is adamant we should have another we will see how it goes that's sex for the next two months lol x

 

[itsnowmyturn]

I was the same, I can go months without sex, we probably dtd once a week when ttc sometimes an extra one if o was coming up. The cycle we caught I think we only dtd once and it was 4 days before o. When I was pregnant we only dtd twice and haven't yet since I gave birth so in 11 months we've dtd twice but it doesn't mean u can't ttc, for us it's time, tiredness and my lack of sexual iinterest but if it's for baby making I was up for it lol.
Mine probably stems from having very painful sex for years for one reason or another

 

[stellababy]

sorry you are going through this hunny. i think i have a bigger sex drive then my hubby and have had a lot of negative feelings about it. at one point we were only doing it about once a month.

however, he started a fitness routine and lost 30 pounds. and i lost 15 pounds too which made me feel more sexy and just better. this really helped him in many ways and now our sex life is back on track. now he goes to the gym almost every night, and although we spend less time together in general, i encourage him to keep going.

i just wanted to post to say there is light at the end of the tunnel out of this situation, better talk to the hubby and get the point why this is happening. life is too short to be unhappy sex is important

good luck with everything hope things look up

 

[stellababy]

by the way, i got pregnant with my son, and with another pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage by doing it once a month

 

[Rhi_Rhi1]

I just wanted to say... my oh doesn't seem to have this problem. However I do.
I am really not fussed by sex in the slightest, It obviously doesn't do for me what it does for other people ? I Like it when i'm doing it but then i forget about it... I could never have it again and i wouldn't feel any different. I feel for my hubby because he has long since given up trying I don't do it on purpose though. I feel it's hard to remember to do something that you don't have any desire to do... I only ever want to DTD when TTC. When i got pregnant with my youngest we literally didn't have sex again until after I gave birth.. So from conception until around 4 months after birth we hadn't had sex.. I had to actually sit and think about it to even realise what I had done. It just hadn't even occurred to me that we hadn't been having sex.

 

[Sakura15]

This is a good discussion to have - thanks, ladies. My OH has a much lower sex drive than I do. He chalks it up to being 8 years older, but I'm not entirely convinced. Whatever the reason, we have definitely had our tense times because of it. I have adjusted by being more open to the other ways he communicates his love and the other ways we connect intimately but it has been HARD. (Ha! No pun intended.)

He is more likely to want to dtd if he initiates, so I have almost completely laid off initiating, although I do entice I was worried we'd never dtd at all, but that hasn't been the case. Now I can expect at least once a week, where before we could go 3 to 4 weeks with me constantly being rejected all inbetween. Since he has seen me really making an effort to adjust to suit his needs, he has also tried to meet me halfway. Now he really wants me to let him know when I'm *ahem* in great need, and he is willing to do what it takes to 'get in the mood'.

All that said, I AM worried about what it will be like when we are TTC. Things like the SPEM? Sex every other day, and then every day around ovulation?? I just don't see it happening I also worry that he will feel pressured to perform and psych himself out. I may be able to play the 'in great need' card twice in a given month but beyond that, I really won't be able to control how often we dtd. I'm just hoping that we can continue to build our intimacy in the meantime, and that we are in a great place come August. Also getting some new lingerie