How did your first loss change you?

[Dandi]

I'm trying so hard not to think about what just happened and hold it together. I know some people think I need to let all of my emotions out, but I'm really just numb and don't want to relive it. This is how I'm dealing with it. I've put away all of the pregnancy books that were at my bedside, I'm about to donate the few baby items I purchased out of excitement, I'm waiting on the maternity clothes I ordered to come in so I can send them back, and I've deleted all of the pregnancy apps and emails I had subscribed to.

My husband and I want to try again when my doctor clears me after 3 periods, and we feel the pressure of time as I'm 36 and he's 38. All I can think about now though is how it will be next time if I'm able to get pregnant again. I can't imagine there will be the same excitement. I was already cautious with my excitement this past time, so now that my worst fear came true I can't imagine how I will even process another pregnancy mentally. I feel like I won't want to tell even my husband until things are certain, but things are never certain. Right now I feel like I wouldn't want to tell anyone, even my Mom, until at least 16 weeks. One of the hardest parts right now is seeing how upset and disappointed my family is and I can't deal with that while trying to manage my own feelings. It's dumb, but it's almost as if their disappointment makes me feel guilty snd responsible since it was my body that failed to do it's job properly. Anyway, the thought of waiting a very long time to tell if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again seems like the safe thing to do, but I worry that I may distance myself from things so long in order to protect my heart that I may end up not bonding with my future child early enough in the process.

Sorry that this has turned into quite a disconnected pile of emotional vomit here, but I guess I just needed to ramble on with my thoughts and get it out. For those going through this now or having gone through this before, how do you feel like it changed things for you, if at all, in bad ways, good ways, etc?

 

[Cornfieldland]

I felt the same as you right after and was emotionally numb. I had to cancel my appointments as well as a gender reveal appt the following week that we were so excited about. I also have a few things I bought that I can't even look at now, I'm saving them just incase. It's very difficult to go from optimistic and excited to deep sadness and hopelessness.
My family was all planning a road trip to come see me in the summer after the baby was born and everyone was so excited and now I feel as though there's nothing to look forward too. I am 37 and my husband is 35, I have 2 children frm a previous marriage but this was our/his first. It wasn't planned so I don't know if we are trying again due to financial situations. I feel like if there's no hope of trying again that I will really go into a deep depression. I'm 37 so I feel like it's now or never, but even if we did get pregnant I would be very scared of going through it again. My first 2 pregnancies I told everyone at 5wks I didn't even really think about miscarriage. This time I told a lot of people around 10wks, but after this I wouldn't say anything till 20wks if I could help it. I even thought it would be better to hide it from my husband, but you can't go though it alone.

I am worried that if me and my husband disagree on trying again that it will always be a source of resentment and what ifs.

It's definitely made me more cautious and also made me appreciate my 2 boys more as well.
For now I'm just trying to get through each day, I'm having a hard time going back to "normal".

 

[SLV3415]

I'm experiencing something very similar. Numb. I went from tossing my clothes that we're getting too tight aside, to putting them back in my dresser, and tossing my maternity clothes. The hardest part was telling all my loved ones, and knowing their heart was breaking. It made me feel like a complete and total failure. I too cant even imagine what it'll be like trying again. I've already have so much built up anxieties about the very idea. It's completely changed me as a person. I feel entirely different. It's almost like a bit of innocence, trust, and hope was robbed from my spirit. I'd like to believe there's a happy ending out there waiting for gals like us, though. I wish you tons of happiness and love.

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

I can definitely relate to everything you're saying! I am turning 35 in May and DH is 44 so the pressure of time is definitely there...but all we can do is try and hope to get a BFP again.

I'm sure I'll be a paranoid wreck if we manage to get pregnant again, and I already know I don't want to tell ANYONE until I have to...as in because I'm showing too much to hide it. I don't want to get people's hopes up again only to disappoint them if I have another loss.

This is all recent for me too, but there is one positive way in which this changed me though. DH and I were told a few years ago we wouldn't be able to conceive on our own. We got set in our ways and eventually decided we didn't want kids. Well along came our surprise pregnancy and it took less than 24 hours for us to be over the moon about it and decide that we very much want to be parents. If I hadn't gotten pregnant by accident we might have never become parents...then regretted it when I was past child bearing age.

 

[Dandi]

My husband just came home from work with flowers. I know he means well and is just trying to be supportive and caring, but as soon as he walked in all I could think was that they are dead baby flowers and I don't want them in the house. I can't bear to hurt his feelings though because I know he's devastated and trying to be strong for me. Now I have to look at those flowers every day until they die too so I can throw them away. This whole situation that we are in is so emotionally complicated.

 

[Dark_Star]

"Emotional Vomit" sounds completely accurate for the stage you're at right now.

Some very strange things will trigger your emotions right now, you might want to pack everything you have that reminds you strongly of baby into a box or piece of luggage right now, and worry about sorting it out later. I think it took me about 2 weeks before I stopped crying randomly, and maybe 2 months before I stopped crying at night.

The positive changes are that I now realize what real problems are. This makes me mad too, especially when I see or hear people complaining about stupid things like having to pay a fine or getting a cold or running out of coffee and making it sound like the end of the world. For a while I just wanted to stop them and be like "Listen here, those are inconveniences. Do you want to hear what a REAL problem is? A dead baby is a real problem. Something you can solve in less than an hour is not a problem!"

But this realization was overall a positive. I am healthy (relatively), I have all the things I need, I can do things every day that I enjoy, and most importantly people love me.

The negatives for me are the lingering guilt, and the distrust for my body. I hope that you don't mind me bringing up my current pregnancy in this post. I am currently 9 weeks on, in my last pregnancy my baby had already been dead for 3 weeks and I would not even know it for another 3 weeks. Yet I kept on being happy and telling people unknowing. It's a struggle every day and I feel guilty and worried each time I trip or bump something, fail to eat, eat a questionable thing, don't sleep enough, stretch or cough oddly and get a pain, the list is endless. But like my miscarriage grief, if I can just keep existing I will get through this and reach an answer.

I apologize for my bluntness, but the point is that you will get through this, and you will feel better every week. I wish you the best of luck and quick healing.

 

[AmandaW525]

Oh Dandi, I understand everything you said and felt all of those emotions myself. When was your loss? How far along were you? It has been just over two months for me and I lost my son at 14weeks. Things have gotten better for me each day but I also decided to see a councelor starting last week. I am struggling with ttc again since I have concerns about loosing a baby again. Something about losing my baby in the second trimester robbed me of the bliss you feel once you reach the "safe zone". I hope you know that while your emotions are all over the place they are also completely normal. Hugs to you!

 

[Topanga053]

Hi Dandi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible thing to go through.

My loss was almost three years ago, so I'm a lot further on than you are and I did go on to get pregnant again and now have a healthy one year old. It was a terrible journey and it definitely did change me. I hope this isn't too long, but I thought I'd share some of my short and long term thoughts/struggles/feelings with you, to maybe help give you some peace that things do finally get better.

Short term. The weeks and months following my loss were horrid. I really don't think there are words strong enough to describe it. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I screamed. I struggled to care about anything. I cried some more, until I didn't know how I possibly had any tears left in my body. I felt my heart break time and time and time again, with each stupid reminder or careless thing that someone would say. Each pregnant woman felt like a knife through my heart. It was so painful it literally took my breath away and I cried before and after seeing them, even on Facebook or in the news or a TV show.

TTCAL. DH and I started TTC again right away, but it didn't happen. Month after month went by and I didn't get pregnant. Each period felt like I was re-living my loss. Each new pregnancy announcement made my heart break in ways I didn't know were possible. Each announcement would make me run to the bathroom, crying hysterically. I was SO BITTER that EVERYONE ELSE could get pregnant, but not me. We started fertility testing after a few months because my cycles were odd. After an infertility scare, we finally determined things were ok, but we still weren't getting pregnant. I became depressed and convinced that we were never going to have a baby. At my worst, I was suicidal and finally got help. I started anti-depressants, which IMMEDIATELY made a huge difference. I also started going to a therapist. The first one didn't help that much, so I started with a new one, who was a much better fit. It was still a dark time in my life (the worst to date), but I finally started being able to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting pregnant/PAL. I finally got pregnant during our 8th cycle (10 months after my loss and 13 months since we had first started TTC). It felt like an eternity. I was very detached in the beginning. I survived 1st trimester by pretending I wasn't actually pregnant (not really possible, but I tried). Each scan scared the sh*t out of me since I had learned about our first miscarriage at a scan. We made a general announcement at 12 weeks, but I was still scared. I finally started relaxing after our 18 week ultrasound when we saw that EVERYTHING was fine. That was when I started to allow myself to get a lot more excited about the pregnancy. We started talking about names, planning the shower, etc. The shadow of my loss was always there, since I no longer had the innocence to believe that it "can't happen to me". But it got much, much easier. And then I LOVED my pregnancy, in a way I don't think I ever would have without experiencing a loss first. Every kick and roll was magic to me. I didn't care if I had heartburn or was uncomfortable because it meant I was finally pregnant. I didn't understand why women complained about it because I was FINALLY having a baby. To get what I wanted after all of that heartbreak made the little discomforts seem so insignificant. To this day, I miss being pregnant. I am so grateful that my loss allowed me to experience that level of excitement and peace during the end of my pregnancy. I know there is no way I would have felt that level of happiness without having known what it was like to lose a baby first.

Long term. Now that it's been a couple of years and my daughter is here, I truly believe that my daughter is my first baby and that she was just waiting for the right time/body to arrive. I NEVER believed that, until she was born. Now it feels like it's always been her. The loss has stayed with me in odd ways (I am still, to this day, very jealous of pregnant women), but it's also done good things. I am a lot more understanding now. Not just of pregnancy loss, but of heartbreak and grief in general. I think I'm a more sensitive, caring person because I understand what true heartbreak feels like. I still wear a bracelet with a charm to honor my lost baby, but I truly feel like she is my daughter. I no longer grieve the loss at all. I am not in the least sad or bitter about it. It was simply something that had to happen on my journey to get my daughter and she is worth every tear.

 

[Puppylove52]

I'm pretty bitter since mine. I'm angry that it happened.. I feel guilty.. But then again, I'm glad to know that I could get pregnant! So just stuff gets on my nerves since it has happened and I don't take crap from anybody anymore! I hope eventually some anger will start to fade..

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

Even though I completely understand your nervousness I just wanted to say CONGRATS on your pregnancy Dark_Star!! I hope everything goes smoothly and that this is your well-deserved rainbow baby.

And now a vent for you re people complaining about petty crap!! I know a woman who, despite leading a VERY unhealthy lifestyle with resulting health issues that are known to often lead to fertility problems, still managed to get pregnant easily and give birth to 2 healthy children. Today she was moaning on Facebook about - just like you posted - running out of freaking coffee and how her day is ruined now. Grrr. Some people don't know how lucky they are. God help her if she ever has a real problem.

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

Hi Dandi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible thing to go through.

My loss was almost three years ago, so I'm a lot further on than you are and I did go on to get pregnant again and now have a healthy one year old. It was a terrible journey and it definitely did change me. I hope this isn't too long, but I thought I'd share some of my short and long term thoughts/struggles/feelings with you, to maybe help give you some peace that things do finally get better.

Short term. The weeks and months following my loss were horrid. I really don't think there are words strong enough to describe it. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I screamed. I struggled to care about anything. I cried some more, until I didn't know how I possibly had any tears left in my body. I felt my heart break time and time and time again, with each stupid reminder or careless thing that someone would say. Each pregnant woman felt like a knife through my heart. It was so painful it literally took my breath away and I cried before and after seeing them, even on Facebook or in the news or a TV show.

TTCAL. DH and I started TTC again right away, but it didn't happen. Month after month went by and I didn't get pregnant. Each period felt like I was re-living my loss. Each new pregnancy announcement made my heart break in ways I didn't know were possible. Each announcement would make me run to the bathroom, crying hysterically. I was SO BITTER that EVERYONE ELSE could get pregnant, but not me. We started fertility testing after a few months because my cycles were odd. After an infertility scare, we finally determined things were ok, but we still weren't getting pregnant. I became depressed and convinced that we were never going to have a baby. At my worst, I was suicidal and finally got help. I started anti-depressants, which IMMEDIATELY made a huge difference. I also started going to a therapist. The first one didn't help that much, so I started with a new one, who was a much better fit. It was still a dark time in my life (the worst to date), but I finally started being able to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting pregnant/PAL. I finally got pregnant during our 8th cycle (10 months after my loss and 13 months since we had first started TTC). It felt like an eternity. I was very detached in the beginning. I survived 1st trimester by pretending I wasn't actually pregnant (not really possible, but I tried). Each scan scared the sh*t out of me since I had learned about our first miscarriage at a scan. We made a general announcement at 12 weeks, but I was still scared. I finally started relaxing after our 18 week ultrasound when we saw that EVERYTHING was fine. That was when I started to allow myself to get a lot more excited about the pregnancy. We started talking about names, planning the shower, etc. The shadow of my loss was always there, since I no longer had the innocence to believe that it "can't happen to me". But it got much, much easier. And then I LOVED my pregnancy, in a way I don't think I ever would have without experiencing a loss first. Every kick and roll was magic to me. I didn't care if I had heartburn or was uncomfortable because it meant I was finally pregnant. I didn't understand why women complained about it because I was FINALLY having a baby. To get what I wanted after all of that heartbreak made the little discomforts seem so insignificant. To this day, I miss being pregnant. I am so grateful that my loss allowed me to experience that level of excitement and peace during the end of my pregnancy. I know there is no way I would have felt that level of happiness without having known what it was like to lose a baby first.

Long term. Now that it's been a couple of years and my daughter is here, I truly believe that my daughter is my first baby and that she was just waiting for the right time/body to arrive. I NEVER believed that, until she was born. Now it feels like it's always been her. The loss has stayed with me in odd ways (I am still, to this day, very jealous of pregnant women), but it's also done good things. I am a lot more understanding now. Not just of pregnancy loss, but of heartbreak and grief in general. I think I'm a more sensitive, caring person because I understand what true heartbreak feels like. I still wear a bracelet with a charm to honor my lost baby, but I truly feel like she is my daughter. I no longer grieve the loss at all. I am not in the least sad or bitter about it. It was simply something that had to happen on my journey to get my daughter and she is worth every tear.

Thanks so much Topanga for this post. Where you are now is exactly where I hope to be once more time has passed.

And I fully believe the same about my baby. I believe he was meant to ours and he will be back once the time is right. He fought so hard and hung on so long but in the end his vessel was so badly damaged that I think he just let go...on DH's dad's birthday no less. (DH's dad died several years ago).

We weren't even trying to get pregnant and along came this baby, and I truly believe that if we provide him with a new (and hopefully healthy!) vessel that his soul will return to us and we'll get to be his mom and dad.

It is so uplifting to hear from someone who has been through this who is in such a great place now.

 

[skyesmom]

ah Topanga! your words both made me cry and comforted me even after all this time! it's been three years since and no one remembered (none of the families plus none of the friends, even those who did the last year)... but your post here reminded me that there are women like us around who know how it is, who know how it feels, who have been through hell, who have been forever changed in odd ways that no time can undo, yet who have still found their ways to live with it.

and i also can say, the loss has made me a more empathetic, comprehensive and understanding person. more patient and appreciating the gifts of life.

i still have no baby with me, nor have been pregnant ever since. most of my friends are either pregnant with their seconds or trying for the second. i've never been jealous of pregnant women, but seeing them hurt for a long time. Now that the 2nd round of babies is being baked in my friends' circles, the pain is way less, although some insensitive comments still get me, especially the ones like "what are you two waiting for" or "only you guys are missing, come on", when most of them know of my losses. but compared to three years ago, it does get much better and you learn how to live with the experience. you start caring again for your own life, career and other things that have been rendered insignificant by the loss, eventually.

among the odd changes i still am dealing with is a weird pain about the fact that my baby would have been the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and would have gotten the absolute spotlight. SIL has got one since, and i adore my nephew, he's been a cure to my loss too, yet now when they're trying for the second i kinda feel that when we get pregnant again, our new baby will be just one more baby in a row in my OHs family and that we won't get the excitement we would have had. stupid and selfish and whatnot but it is there and i am facing it with my therapist as well.

the message is: it does get better, even without a baby (i have no living children). you learn how to live with the loss. it changes you, for the best. after going deep into a personal hell. you become a better person. i believe you also get your extra chance at being a better parent, simply because it makes you extra appreciative and patient, and patience i guess is the key skill. and it takes a lot of time and work to come to terms with it.

my heart goes out to all of you!

 

[Dandi]

I can't thank all of you enough for sharing. Reading your stories has been a comfort that I haven't find elsewhere. Not that my family and friends don't offer comfort, but I find that talking to people in real life about it is still too painful and I just want to shut them out.

Today is my first day back to work and it just feels so pointless. I know I need to be here to fulfill my responsibilities and earn money, but everything that seems so important work-wise feels so ridiculous to me right now, so insignificant. I'm just trying to remain numb until I can go home and get back in bed.

I'm going to try again as soon as my doctor clears me in a few months, so I've decided to put all of my focus on getting as healthy as possible for that time, working on my physical fitness, my egg health, etc. Something to take my mind off of the heartache a bit... I hope. All I can think about right now though is how it won't be the same. I will never have that ecstatic feeling of seeing the positive pregnancy test and letting my mind race with excitement because it will always be tainted now. No matter how excited I am for any future children I may be able to have, if I'm so lucky, there will always be a dark cloud somewhere nearby reminding me of the baby that I lost and how it could easily happen again. I'm so concerned that I won't let myself bond with a future pregnancy and that makes me think that I'm going to ruin my children before I have birth them. It's just so..... depressing. I think Topanga said it best when she said it was a loss of innocence in a way.

Your stories do give me hope though. Seeing others have the same feelings and some others move on to a better place about it, it's encouraging. I hope others will continue to share their stories here.

 

[skyesmom]

it is a loss of innocence you know, for good. but don't be afraid you won't be able to bond with your future children because of it.

you lose the innocence of being pregnant, especially in the first weeks and months, but no matter how much you guard yourself from it, the excitement comes and grows on you as the weeks pass. when you get to feel the movements and kicks, you also get that extra gratitude that the ladies who haven't been though a loss don't get.

you get an extra motivation and gratitude to get you through the last tri pains and discomfort, and those first unnerving sleepless nights after your baby is there. i think a successful pregnancy after a loss can only bind you more to your child. you view them differently.

it is still all very new and fresh for you, and it is a process you need to take day by day and play by the ear.. there is no universal formula that is good for everybody. going back to work is a big step, even though you couldn't care less about it now and it all seems so stupid and insignificant and irrelevant.

whoever goes through a loss should pat themselves on a shoulder for merely surviving a day in those first weeks especially.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I am so glad I found this thread. Dandi (and everyone else pretty much), I could've written your posts. Except I've had a bad temper since and threw the baby books in the trash instead of being classy and donating/storing. I'm starting to feel the time crunch too, and having no children, I really get the whole innocence lost thing. Topanga, thank you for writing all of that. I find it hard to believe I'll ever enjoy a pregnancy, but it makes me hopeful hearing that you finally did. And I'm so happy for you.

A way I've changed...last week my brother confided in me about a horrific experience. Worse than anything I've ever been told. I've always been compassionate, but I think I'm more helpful to him now than I would have been before. I remembered the specific different ways my friends comforted me and also how some made me feel more isolated. After all of this, I have zero patience for people complaining about stupid things (and their children!).

I hope to see happy news soon from you all. And congratulations, Dark Star!

 

[Dark_Star]

Thank you ladies. Like Topanga, I believe our babies souls will come back to us with our next pregnancy, and are never lost. I found that thought very comforting.

When I sat in my doctors office after learning I was carrying twins he looked at me and said, "Well, it looks like your baby has come back to you from heaven, and it's brought a friend." I still can't think about that without tearing up.

 

[skris4]

Dandi - I didn't realize you suffered a loss. So sorry to hear and hope you get your rainbow baby soon!

 

[skyesmom]

When I sat in my doctors office after learning I was carrying twins he looked at me and said, "Well, it looks like your baby has come back to you from heaven, and it's brought a friend." I still can't think about that without tearing up.

DarkStar, that almost made me tear up right now. i share your and Topanga's belief as well, that our lost babies in the end come back to us when their time comes. The bond of love is never lost.

 

[jumpingo]

thank you to everyone for everything on this thread.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you ladies. Like Topanga, I believe our babies souls will come back to us with our next pregnancy, and are never lost. I found that thought very comforting.

When I sat in my doctors office after learning I was carrying twins he looked at me and said, "Well, it looks like your baby has come back to you from heaven, and it's brought a friend." I still can't think about that without tearing up.

That was beautiful and I truly believe that..All The Best