How did your first loss change you?

[Trying4first1]

This really is a great thread. Its good to know that what we are feeling is normal and

 

[Dandi]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with a loss Trying. There is a certain comfort in reading how other women were similarly affected by their losses. I know it has helped me tremendously.

 

[dairymomma]

Topanga said almost everything I would have said. I've had several losses (mostly unexplained) and the emotional buildup of all that grief ultimately led to post partum depression and triggered some pretty bad binge eating disorder spells. It's strained my marriage at times, causes crippling panic/anxiety attacks in my first trimester, and I've lost almost all hope for an uncomplicated future pregnancy. Yet, despite my mostly unexplained issues, I've had 3 miracle children and I may or may not be expecting #4 (I'm in limbo so it's either rainbow #4 or miscarriage #10). It's very hard to go through a miscarriage and it affects each person in different ways. For me it's meant I pretty much don't breathe til I'm 15 weeks, I don't enjoy one single part of my pg until I'm holding my crying baby in my arms, I see the dr far more often at the start of my pg than I do at the end, and there's no joy in seeing two lines show up. Most heartbreakingly, when I do find out I'm expecting again, my DH and I no longer talk about our baby in terms of 'when this baby is born' but rather 'IF this baby makes it". And I used to go through my days feeling numb inside and like my world was in shade of grey. I didn't want to feel because feeling meant I hurt and I didn't want to hurt.

Miscarriage is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. It's changed me in so many ways that I can't even list them all. But in many ways, it's changed me for the better. I've discovered how strong and capable I really am. I've learned to cherish my children all the more because of my struggle to give them life. I've become a more compassionate person because I now understand that everyone has their own private trials they are going through. And mostly, I've learned to not keep things tucked inside because the only person it's hurting is yourself. I'm more open about my losses and in doing so, I've found many women in my support network have experienced loss themselves and are empathetic to my own fertility battle. Having that network of support helps SO much.

And the best advice I've received for coping with anything stressful is to take a deep breath, tell yourself "this moment is OVER. I never have to live through it again." and let go of all your worries/fears/anxieties/etc as you breathe out. It's especially helpful if you put your hand on your forehead while doing this. It's a breathing/releasing technique my therapist taught me to help with the anxiety and my depression and if I do it, I can literally feel the tension leave my body. (It might just be all in my head but hey, at this point I'll take whatever works.)

 

[jumpingo]

"this moment is OVER. I never have to live through it again."

and i'm stealing this line. thank you

 

[dairymomma]

You are welcome. That's why I shared it.

 

[indhira2]

Dairymomma just said everything that I am feeling, even after almost 3 months of losing my little peanut.

Great post Dandi, Thank you for allowing others to share how they're feeling so that we can assure ourselves that its normal

 

[Trying4first1]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with a loss Trying. There is a certain comfort in reading how other women were similarly affected by their losses. I know it has helped me tremendously.

Thanks Dandi I am waiting for another scan but I have very little hope as I am still spotting and my symptoms are becoming less . I had an early loss just before Christmas so really thought this one would be ok. I am hoping that I will also have comfort in speaking to others and knowing that the feelings are all normal. I hope you are taking good care of yourself

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi everyone I know some of you well from my time on bnb and some names I recognise . I come on these threads from time to time to see if I can offer some support . I had a mmc , found at my 12 week scan on that day before Christmas Eve 2012 . I was 40, had all but given up hope of a much wanted child / children and here I was ....
Two days before I'd spotted but they found baby was just fine... Until the moment I saw baby on the screen , hb thumping I didn't know how much you could love . 2 days later my baby was gone

Miscarraiges were something that happened to " other " people , in films or movies ...not to me ... It was by far the hardest thing I have gone through to date . I felt numb , empty like I would never be whole again , a big gaping chasim ... Nothing mattered , everything else seemed pointless , work , going out , friends everything . All I wanted was to stay in bed . All I wanted was my baby . I remember sitting watching tv for an hour and not hearing a word . I was SO jealous of pregnant people , I remember randomly bursting into tears in supermarkets seeing them and having to leave my shopping behind . I cried ALOT . In the car most days on the way to and from work . I ached .... A longing ache .... I was empty .

I was also grizzly , like a bear with a sore head . I got angry over nothing and often . I hated feeling like that .. Not me at all .... I was glad to know it was Grief . Grief became my friend . It helped explain my wacky behaviour so I embraced it .

So somewhere along the journey I remember " noticing " I had a good day .... Mmm odd I thought .... Then another ... The bad still outweighed the good but they were possible ..
Then slowly and quietly the good days began to outweigh the bad . The sun came back .

I never ever will forget , I don't want to . The experience of having and loosing my LO changed me and who I am forever . They and it are a part of me forever . My LO was a significant part of my life and will never be forgotten as it should be

I after 6 months fell pregnant again . I can't say I wasn't scared because I was . Miscarraige takes away our innocence , gives you a peek behind the curtain . But with that it makes every second of any subsequent pregnancy so so special . I was SO grateful for everything , every experience even the not so nice ones . I know I didn't breath for the first 13 weeks ! And after that it was random breaths . I tried to remain detached for the first tri but met some truley inspirational ladies on this thread who showed me that by not connecting with the beanie , not allowing myself hope or be positive would not make me love my baby less should I loose them . Would not make me any less devastated or grief stricken .
Someone once told me " worrying no matter how much effort you put into it or how hard you try will NOT change the outcome in any way but WILL rob you of every moment of happiness and joy you have in this moment . It has stuck with me forever .

I am so so grateful for my little boy who is now 1 . I cherish every second with him. I feel blessed beyond words.

It is such a tough time but you will all get through it . It becomes part of who you are and your good days will outnumber the bad . Your sunshine will return . Xxxxxx

 

[skyesmom]

Left!

THANK YOU so much for this post!

i was recently trying to explain how i got out of that post-miscarriage year (and i believe it takes a year to deal with it fully, as you gotta hit all those milestones and anniversaries and there is nothing harder than the first time they come, the first "would have been due date" and the first miscarriage anniversary and all the other milestones in between), and you condensed it all here in

So somewhere along the journey I remember " noticing " I had a good day .... Mmm odd I thought .... Then another ... The bad still outweighed the good but they were possible ..
Then slowly and quietly the good days began to outweigh the bad . The sun came back .

it was exactly it.

i also have to add, an experience like this changes the friendships around you as well. you discover the friends who know how to deal with it, and be a real support, and others that can not. you discover people will say many stupid things in an attempt to make you feel better (and my best way to deal with that was and is to wish upon them NEVER to discover what their words really mean and how heavy they are).

but also - you make new friends, in real life as online. i got gifted with some outstanding friendships here through bnb, ladies who have helped me through and to whom i'll always be grateful.

i'm also very lucky to say that the happiness and peace of mind return even with no rainbow baby coming. i never thought i'd be able to say this, but i am. it doesn't make my wish for a baby any less... i just am grateful not to be in that hell that lasted for first 18 months after the loss.


great thread ladies lots of love to you all!

 

[momwithbabies]

I hope you all are doing better and better each passing day. Reading your posts has given me some comfort.

I'm one week past the worst experience I've ever had. I'm awake right now, in the middle of the night, thinking about my loss. I start back work tomorrow. I don't know how to be normal. I don't want to be around anybody. I'm so depressed and just want to stay in bed like I did last week. The physical pain is better, but the emotional pain is almost just as bad as a week ago. I don't know how to continue my life. I'm not suicidal, but I truly don't know how to cope with this.

I'm a middle school teacher. How do I put a smile on my face and teach? How do I act like everything will be okay? I'm just so sad.

 

[Puppylove52]

I teach Elementary school so I know the struggle of putting a smile on, momwithbabies. Not to mention, that when I came back from leave after my miscarriage, 2 of my students were so excited to tell me they were getting a new baby brother or sister. It was so crushing.. And yet, you just have to fake it until you make it with a smile and an "Oh my gosh that is so wonderful!" miscarriage has made me kind of bitter? Maybe.. All of my innocence is gone and the next time I poas and it's positive, I don't think I'll have the same excitement as I did the first time.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thank you so much for the reply. I was up all night thinking about it. Not good. I'm hoping today goes by fast.

 

[skyesmom]

momwithbabies, don't beat yourself up if going back to work doesn't go as planned. with a loss of a baby, a mere week is really nothing. do as much as you can and if you feel like needing another couple of days off, take them.

if you feel like crying your heart out in the toilet, do it. it is tough to act as if everything were ok when you're dying inside... but somehow we do manage. and as lame as it sounds, it does get better with time. not that your loss is any less, nor forgotten... it is just that you learn how to deal with it.

 

[Dandi]

I'm so sorry to momwithbabies. We all understand your devastation and there are no words for it.

I agree, don't put too much pressure on yourself for things to go as you plan when returning to work. I went back to work 5 days after my loss, thinking I could hold it together and that the distraction of work would be good. I ended up having to take more time off the following week because once the numb emotional feeling wore off, I really fell apart. You just can't predict how you will grieve or what the timeline will be.

I will say that things do get better though. You'll never forget, of course, and there will be painful reminders that you don't even expect, but it does get better... easier. It's just a matter of making your way through the dark time until that day comes.

 

[AnnieMac2]

momwithbabies, skyesmom and dandi are right. It only just happened. And, yes, it will feel unmanageable for awhile. But I promise that out of nowhere you start having hours or even days where it gets easier and you won't have to fake being ok all of the time. Unfortunately, it's just one foot in front of the other until then. It might seem unimaginable, but it gets better. More recently, I've even had some stretches where I forgot it happened and was wrapped in normal things. You'll get there. But don't push yourself or be critical of yourself for having a lot of difficulty. It will just happen.

 

[Dandi]

Absolutely right! And I will add, when you do reach the point where you have a good day, or even a good few hours (and as we've said, that time will definitely come, just hang on), don't be critical of yourself then either. It doesn't mean you've forgotten and it doesn't mean you aren't honoring the memory of the baby you lost. It means you're healing and moving past the deepest grief stage. And that's ok, that's where you need to go. I really struggled with that and I'm sure others have as well. You have so many women on this board though who truly understand and I hope that helps you as much as it helped me.

 

[momwithbabies]

momwithbabies, don't beat yourself up if going back to work doesn't go as planned. with a loss of a baby, a mere week is really nothing. do as much as you can and if you feel like needing another couple of days off, take them.

if you feel like crying your heart out in the toilet, do it. it is tough to act as if everything were ok when you're dying inside... but somehow we do manage. and as lame as it sounds, it does get better with time. not that your loss is any less, nor forgotten... it is just that you learn how to deal with it.

I wish I could take a couple of more days off...maybe a month, lol. But I cant. I almost lost it when I opened my mini fridge and saw my "pregnancy" snacks. I started to tear up thinking I should still be eating those snacks. Instead, I don't want to eat hardly anything at all.

I'm praying time goes by fast to where I feel semi-normal. Thank you for your help.

 

[momwithbabies]

I'm so sorry to momwithbabies. We all understand your devastation and there are no words for it.

I agree, don't put too much pressure on yourself for things to go as you plan when returning to work. I went back to work 5 days after my loss, thinking I could hold it together and that the distraction of work would be good. I ended up having to take more time off the following week because once the numb emotional feeling wore off, I really fell apart. You just can't predict how you will grieve or what the timeline will be.

I will say that things do get better though. You'll never forget, of course, and there will be painful reminders that you don't even expect, but it does get better... easier. It's just a matter of making your way through the dark time until that day comes.

Yep, for sure had the painful reminders today. And yes, you don't expect it and it catches you off guard. I'm hoping easier days are ahead. Thank you, so much.

 

[momwithbabies]

Absolutely right! And I will add, when you do reach the point where you have a good day, or even a good few hours (and as we've said, that time will definitely come, just hang on), don't be critical of yourself then either. It doesn't mean you've forgotten and it doesn't mean you aren't honoring the memory of the baby you lost. It means you're healing and moving past the deepest grief stage. And that's ok, that's where you need to go. I really struggled with that and I'm sure others have as well. You have so many women on this board though who truly understand and I hope that helps you as much as it helped me.

Yes, this forum has helped me for sure. I will remember your advice of not feeling guilty for having a good day(s). That totally sounds like something I would think.

 

[momwithbabies]

momwithbabies, skyesmom and dandi are right. It only just happened. And, yes, it will feel unmanageable for awhile. But I promise that out of nowhere you start having hours or even days where it gets easier and you won't have to fake being ok all of the time. Unfortunately, it's just one foot in front of the other until then. It might seem unimaginable, but it gets better. More recently, I've even had some stretches where I forgot it happened and was wrapped in normal things. You'll get there. But don't push yourself or be critical of yourself for having a lot of difficulty. It will just happen.

I'm glad you've had longer stretches of the good days. I can't wait to be in that place. I can't even imagine what that is like right now.