How do I tell my mom to butt out???

[brunette&bubs]

My mother and I have a HORRIBLE relationship...
But for some reason she feels entitled to come to all of my doctor appts.
I let her come to my 11 week with my MIL and I said that's it...no more.
But now she is complaining because my next appt. is on a day where she has work.
My dad asked me to make my next appt. on a day that fits her schedule.
But it's hard enough to make an appt. fit in between my husband and my schedule.
AND I don't want her to go...
What do I do? She just freaks out and gets all dramatic when I try to stand my ground.

 

[filibear]

I would explain that it is difficult to get appointments as it is, so you really need to make sure you get seen when you should be seen and if its not convenient to her she will just have to miss out, the health of your baby matters more than anything now, dont change anything to fit around someone else.

 

[3011busyyear]

gosh that is weird! are you quite young or something? maybe she still feels in charge.

maybe ask her if her mother came to her appointments?? tp be honest i would just sit her down and tell her straight, if she's like this for regular midwife appointments what will she be like when you have the baby? i'm guessing she plans to come to the birth too? eek you need to nip this in the bud right away.

 

[brunette&bubs]

Yeah I'm young, I'm only 22.
We already had an issue with her wanting to be in the delivery room and I said no...she had the biggest fit I've ever seen and things haven't been the same ever since.
My OB however has already written in her notes that my mother is under no circumstances allowed in the delivery room.
My mom has been trying to control this entire pregnancy...I won't give all the details.
But it's obnoxious...it would be totally different if we were closer, but we pretty much hate each other.

 

[MiuMiow]

Gosh yes, you do need to nip this in the bud! Fact is, she may not consider you two as having that horrible a relationship, she probably thinks you're being churlish and she's being the long-suffering mom putting up with it with no idea that you are a) a grown-up and b) it is actually possible that shé is doing something that rubs you the wrong way (a looooot of mothers conveniently overlook that)

I think the best thing you can do is sit her down and explain that whilst you're sure she means well, you don't actually feel like you're 'in that place' with her and that whilst you're not opposed to working at getting there, right now it makes you uncomfortable and that you would appreciate it if she gave you some time and space. Explain that this baby is just too important an event for you to be stressing and that you want it to bring you closer. If you start resenting her now, things are not likely to get better once the baby has arrived.

 

[filibear]

Yeah I'm young, I'm only 22.
We already had an issue with her wanting to be in the delivery room and I said no...she had the biggest fit I've ever seen and things haven't been the same ever since.
My OB however has already written in her notes that my mother is under no circumstances allowed in the delivery room.
My mom has been trying to control this entire pregnancy...I won't give all the details.
But it's obnoxious...it would be totally different if we were closer, but we pretty much hate each other.

Maybe she is just being over-zealous and trying to rebuild your relationship, or maybe thats horsecrap and she is like my MIL who tries to take over at times, luckily as she is not my mother I feel more confident telling her she's being a pain (in a jokey thinly disguised way usually as she generally is very nice). But just stand your ground about the appointment this time and once she sees you wont back down it wil be easier to say no in the future I promise. (I say this as someone who although I have a lovely mum the rest of my family can be a PAIN!! so I have oodles of experience with family conflict lol. here have a

 

[MiuMiow]

PS try to find out from her why she is trying to take over your pregnancy, that sounds like an issue and that maybe not something you can do anything about.

 

[JaniceT]

Never encourage bad behavior. If you do, when your mum grows old, it'll only get worst. My MIL used to throw tantrums to getting what she wanted when she was young. Now she's old and a spoilt brat.

Just make your appointments and then attend. You do not need to tell her. Be calm about it, after a few times of throwing tantrums, she will learn.

 

[brunette&bubs]

Well here's the deal.
My mother has been addicted to prescription medicine (xanax, vicodin, etc..) for about 3 years.
She is extremely psychotic and has even threatened to hit me in the face and choke me during this pregnancy while she was high on pills.
My in-laws, my siblings, my doctor, and my husband and I all agree that my mother can never be alone with the baby EVER. Unless she gets help for her pill problem and goes to therapy for her anger issues.

It seems as if she is trying to live her life through me...like she misses being pregnant and wants to be me. She has even said the baby is a girl and it's name will be Gracie and she has called it HER baby. For the record, hubby and I dont know the gender and we hate the name Gracie.

So trying to talk to my mom like she is a normal & rational person might not work.

 

[haunted_star]

I think right now it's very important for you to set very clear boundaries with your mother. It sounds like it will be difficult but you need to think of how much worse it will likely get when the baby is actually born.

 

[austinsmom]

You can't change people, just the situation.
If I were you, I wouldn't even talk about the pregnancy. Don't even mention your appointments. If someone asks, just tell them you don't know. No point in being honest with an irrational person... especially if your safety is a concern.

 

[JaniceT]

You're right, she is not rational. She's highly drugged whenever you see her. Even though you love her, please keep an arm's length away now that you are pregnant. She cannot be alone with you. If she threatens violence, you should be keeping on your toes and ready to keep out of her way.

You have already clearly stated down what she wants, which is to live her life through you. Not healthy at all and should be avoided. Since you can't change her mind in the next few months on how she thinks, just keep at a slight distance. You and your baby comes first now.

 

[Jojo-Mummy]

I would just be honest and explain its YOU and your OH thats having the baby, not her. Yes she is the grandmother however there is certain things you would prefer to do alone.

 

[MiuMiow]

I have no idea how things are where you live but over here a husband can have someone forced to get help. It's not as bad as being committed but there are programmes to help people kick pills or other addictions that someone can be forced to follow. The threats of violence do (for me) cancel out the right to just be spoken to or reasoned with, it has passed beyond that. It may not be all together bad to just cut all contact. You can always hope that a short sharp shock like that does the trick. However, I fear your dad will have to step up. Or your mom's parents, if they are still around they could do something?

 

[sleepen]

hun, i so understand what u are going through. i went through something similar with my first. you need to keep ur distance now for ur sake and for the baby. do not tell her about ur appointments. try to stay a safe distance from her when ever possible. that may mean staying away from her completly for awhile. that is what i had to do. sometimes it is theonly way to keep everyone safe. good luck the situation is not easy,but if u don't do something now it will get worse

 

[AP]

hun you're 22 - this is YOUR pregnancy - your appointments and all. Tell her to back off

 

[myasmumma]

just tell her that, the last time you checked it didnt take 3 people to make your baby and that its just going to be you and your partner sharing those moments at the HV, and let her throw her paddy, if she is going to act like a two year old treat her like one lol

 

[evewidow]

id say your appointment has been cancelled , and then dont tell her when your next one is , you can say they rang you last minute for a cancellation - i dunno something along those lines

 

[brunette&bubs]

I have no idea how things are where you live but over here a husband can have someone forced to get help. It's not as bad as being committed but there are programmes to help people kick pills or other addictions that someone can be forced to follow. The threats of violence do (for me) cancel out the right to just be spoken to or reasoned with, it has passed beyond that. It may not be all together bad to just cut all contact. You can always hope that a short sharp shock like that does the trick. However, I fear your dad will have to step up. Or your mom's parents, if they are still around they could do something?

My grandparents, siblings, and my husband and I have been trying to figure out a way to get my mom help for some time.
My dad for some reason doesn't think she has a problem.
I wish I knew for some type of program I could force her to go into...but unfortunately I don't think I could force her to do anything.
My brother is getting married in Oct. and they have gone through a lot of crap with her too, I feel so bad for my poor SIL.
My husband thinks we should send in a tape for the show "Intervention" hehe.

 

[JaniceT]

Does your mum have bi-polar also? My ex-bf's mother used to pop 8 or more very strong pills every day. Him and his siblings tried to flush the pills down the toilet but somehow, some friend of hers got her more and is her pill pusher.

Have you tried making an appointment with her doctor and have a chat with him on her progress and if it's in yours and your baby's best interest to keep away from her for the time being?