How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[redlemonade]

Ever since I got married, the same few WOMEN (my own mother included!) have been sending us correspondence to 'mr and mrs HISfirstname hislastname'.

I did choose, eventually, to take his last name so this isn't what I'm upset about. I will say though that it wasn't an easy decision to change my name and I only did so because I wanted us to have a family name. We did discuss him taking my name, actually, and I didn't want to double barrel.

Anyway, what I'm upset about is that my name no longer appears on correspondence! I'm just his wife! His...property...now?? I'm disgusted that these women, who have known me my entire life and who were at our non-traditional wedding, would treat me with such disrespect. This way of addressing us implies to me that I've lost my identity in their eyes and I'm nothing more than just somebody's wife now. As a professional woman with a successful career, I couldn't be more offended that they completely omit my name.

I get that this is formal etiquette (from the 1950's, but whatever), and they probably didn't mean to offend me, but these people know me and they should know that I'd find this kind of thing offensive.

Their thought in sending us a Xmas card was completely without thought IMHO.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. I can't deal with this for the rest of our lives. I understand that this type if thing mightn't upset everyone but it does upset me.

Any ideas?

 

[MrsBandEgglet]

I find it annoying too but I don't find it offensive as tbh nobody really does it other than if its a formal letter. So to me it sounds like some of these people are doing it because they know how much it irritates you. I personally think its an outdated thing now and I wouldn't think to address a couple I know like this. I'd say mention it to them but it'll probably just make them do it more as if like you say they know you enough to appreciate how much it would nark you then I can't see any other explanation

 

[weewdy]

How would you have wanted them to address the card? I must have offended around 40 people this year alone as thats how i address cards, eg
mr and mrs J Smith

im sorry if im misunderstanding what you mean

 

[lilyd]

I thought it was the correct way to address correspondence to a married couple, although I would just use the husbands first initial and surname rather than full first name?

Didn't even consider it would be offensive as I suppose I would assume that somebody wouldn't change their name if they felt that way.

 

[Erised]

I think it is actually a very common, perhaps even correct way to address letters / cards to married couples. Perhaps it's to show the difference between a mother / son family (for example) and a married couple?

Either way, I always address to Mr & Mrs Smith, no initial involved. I wouldn't take offense to being addressed as Mrs X. XXX though, as long as people face to face just call me by my first name.

 

[sparkle_1979]

:slightly annoying maybe, but something like this wouldn't bother me, no offence but if this is all you have to worry about you're doing good

 

[Warby]

I have a different last name from my husband and obviously my own first name too. We have been married for fourteen years and we still get stuff from family and friends addressed to "Mr and Mrs Hislastname". It used to annoy me but I have decided that it wasn't a battle worth fighting.

 

[Baby Bell]

I honestly don't see the problem in it, and couldn't imagine how anyone would write it to be offensive, even if they do know you well. It's how married people are addressed in correspondence, perhaps your mums just treating you the same as she treats every other married couple

If it is offensive then I must be offending a good 20 couples this year. I think if your bothered by it then say something, if you don't then they will just continue. If you think these people are doing it to irritate you then just bin the card and let them know you would rather not receive mail from them

 

[MrsBandEgglet]

I think it is actually a very common, perhaps even correct way to address letters / cards to married couples. Perhaps it's to show the difference between a mother / son family (for example) and a married couple?

Either way, I always address to Mr & Mrs Smith, no initial involved. I wouldn't take offense to being addressed as Mrs X. XXX though, as long as people face to face just call me by my first name.

yeah, absolutely, I do write cards addressed to Mr and Mrs . . . but I never use the husbands initial. I know you should but I find it annoying myself so don't do it. It is the correct way to do it so I don't find it offensive, just annoying cos I have my own name and it did me fine before I got married lol

 

[MrsPear]

If it upsets you a lot (and I can tell it does ), then I don't think there's any way around just letting them know that you don't like it. You could just keep it lighthearted and make a joke of it, like you know that it's daft but you really like your name and you'd miss it if it wasn't on the envelope anymore. Or, just be honest, and tell them pretty much what you've written here- that you were upset because you feel strongly that you shouldn't 'disappear' because you got married.

I'd just try to steer clear from anything that implies they've upset you- I'd just make it more about the fact you know it's a very standard and common way to address an envelope BUT you still don't like it.

I totally understand and respect your viewpoint very much, but I'd honestly be gobsmacked and quite hurt myself if one of my best local friends who got married this year (in a non-traditional wedding) accused me of treating her like identity-less property simply because of the way I addressed her Christmas card.

So I'd just leave that bit out and tell them you don't like it in general.

PS In the case of your mum- she's probably just excited that you got married and I'd imagine she quite enjoyed writing the envelope. Maybe you could just try to see it from that perspective? x

 

[Lina]

This is why I could never take another last name, it would feel to ME a total loss of identity. I can understand formal correspondence,(though completely outdated) from third parties but for family members such formality is really unnecessary. I would be quite blunt with them.

 

[redlemonade]

I find it annoying too but I don't find it offensive as tbh nobody really does it other than if its a formal letter. So to me it sounds like some of these people are doing it because they know how much it irritates you. I personally think its an outdated thing now and I wouldn't think to address a couple I know like this. I'd say mention it to them but it'll probably just make them do it more as if like you say they know you enough to appreciate how much it would nark you then I can't see any other explanation

Thanks. I'm not sure if they're doing it on purpose to irritate me, I think they're just not using their brains tbh!

 

[redlemonade]

How would you have wanted them to address the card? I must have offended around 40 people this year alone as thats how i address cards, eg
mr and mrs J Smith

im sorry if im misunderstanding what you mean

Well I'd be a lot happier if they wrote:

Myfirstname & Hisfirstname Surname.

I can't believe people still leave out the woman's name/initial!?

 

[redlemonade]

I thought it was the correct way to address correspondence to a married couple, although I would just use the husbands first initial and surname rather than full first name?

Didn't even consider it would be offensive as I suppose I would assume that somebody wouldn't change their name if they felt that way.

I wouldn't have changed my surname if I knew people would stop using my first name too. I honestly didn't think people did this type of thing anymore. Especially people who know me.

 

[redlemonade]

I think it is actually a very common, perhaps even correct way to address letters / cards to married couples. Perhaps it's to show the difference between a mother / son family (for example) and a married couple?

Either way, I always address to Mr & Mrs Smith, no initial involved. I wouldn't take offense to being addressed as Mrs X. XXX though, as long as people face to face just call me by my first name.

Perhaps it is more common than I thought but I disagree that it's 'correct'. I think if proper etiquette becomes offensive and disrespectful, then it's not etiquette anymore. Because the whole point of etiquette is to be respectful I think

 

[redlemonade]

:slightly annoying maybe, but something like this wouldn't bother me, no offence but if this is all you have to worry about you're doing good

Well it's not necessarily ALL I have to worry about, but thanks!

 

[redlemonade]

I have a different last name from my husband and obviously my own first name too. We have been married for fourteen years and we still get stuff from family and friends addressed to "Mr and Mrs Hislastname". It used to annoy me but I have decided that it wasn't a battle worth fighting.

How did you get over your annoyance? I know I'm not going to change people but right now I can't see how I'll get through every Xmas/anniversary etc being addressed like this

 

[redlemonade]

I honestly don't see the problem in it, and couldn't imagine how anyone would write it to be offensive, even if they do know you well. It's how married people are addressed in correspondence, perhaps your mums just treating you the same as she treats every other married couple

If it is offensive then I must be offending a good 20 couples this year. I think if your bothered by it then say something, if you don't then they will just continue. If you think these people are doing it to irritate you then just bin the card and let them know you would rather not receive mail from them

Thanks. I'll have to say something, I know. I don't want to upset them either; I actually don't think they're being malicious, I think they're just not thinking.

 

[redlemonade]

I think it is actually a very common, perhaps even correct way to address letters / cards to married couples. Perhaps it's to show the difference between a mother / son family (for example) and a married couple?

Either way, I always address to Mr & Mrs Smith, no initial involved. I wouldn't take offense to being addressed as Mrs X. XXX though, as long as people face to face just call me by my first name.

yeah, absolutely, I do write cards addressed to Mr and Mrs . . . but I never use the husbands initial. I know you should but I find it annoying myself so don't do it. It is the correct way to do it so I don't find it offensive, just annoying cos I have my own name and it did me fine before I got married lol

Thats the thing though.. I don't really understand why you 'should' write a certain way, a 'correct' way..? I don't get etiquette

 

[redlemonade]

If it upsets you a lot (and I can tell it does ), then I don't think there's any way around just letting them know that you don't like it. You could just keep it lighthearted and make a joke of it, like you know that it's daft but you really like your name and you'd miss it if it wasn't on the envelope anymore. Or, just be honest, and tell them pretty much what you've written here- that you were upset because you feel strongly that you shouldn't 'disappear' because you got married.

I'd just try to steer clear from anything that implies they've upset you- I'd just make it more about the fact you know it's a very standard and common way to address an envelope BUT you still don't like it.

I totally understand and respect your viewpoint very much, but I'd honestly be gobsmacked and quite hurt myself if one of my best local friends who got married this year (in a non-traditional wedding) accused me of treating her like identity-less property simply because of the way I addressed her Christmas card.

So I'd just leave that bit out and tell them you don't like it in general.

PS In the case of your mum- she's probably just excited that you got married and I'd imagine she quite enjoyed writing the envelope. Maybe you could just try to see it from that perspective? x

Thanks so much, that is good advice. I agree that it needs to be worded correctly because I REALLY don't want to upset them. I think they're just very old fashioned and don't think.

Obviously I wouldn't tell them they've made me feel like identity-less property so I will keep it lighthearted. I never thought of my mum just being excited to write the envelope like that. I'm not sure that's her reason but it's a possibility I guess.