How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[lozzy21]

It would piss me off too, the next time I saw them I would ask them if I'd had a sex change I did not know about.

 

[pinklizzy]

I've no idea what the correct etiquette is but I tend to address things to my married friends as Mrs Her initial Married Surname! It would never occur to me to address it to Mrs+Mrs His initial Surname.

 

[redlemonade]

This is why I could never take another last name, it would feel to ME a total loss of identity. I can understand formal correspondence,(though completely outdated) from third parties but for family members such formality is really unnecessary. I would be quite blunt with them.

Thank you. It was a huge decision for me to change my name; I felt, in the end, that it wasn't (or shouldn't be!) a feminist issue anymore. Honestly, I find this way of addressing people so outdated and I'm shocked that people still use it.

It would be a shame, in my opinion, not to be able to have a shared family name (whatever that is) without having to worry that you'll lose your first name too.

Thanks for understanding.

 

[redlemonade]

It would piss me off too, the next time I saw them I would ask them if I'd had a sex change I did not know about.

Lol! Thanks! I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this is really annoying!

 

[supertabby]

Etiquette is something that changes over time anyway, as much as people see things as traditional many such traditions change out of all recognition over a few generations. I'm guessing it's more (though not exclusively) older people using your husband's initial and perhaps some younger friends just use Mr & Mrs Surname.

If it's your first Christmas as a married couple I'd guess almost every single card that has offended you was written by someone who thought you'd really enjoy seeing Mr & Mrs on your post. So try to remember they're just following tradition but still thinking of you both with love. I'm sure they don't genuinely think you're his possession.

Personally I write cards as Mr & Mrs Surname - unless the woman kept her name then I'd write Mr Hissurname & Ms Hersurname, I think it's rude when people brush over and decide they're still calling you both by his name. I was happy to take my husband's name but I totally respect other's reasons for keeping theirs.

 

[redlemonade]

I've no idea what the correct etiquette is but I tend to address things to my married friends as Mrs Her initial Married Surname! It would never occur to me to address it to Mrs+Mrs His initial Surname.

Thanks! I think it's time to do away with etiquette

 

[Anya88]

I am 10000000% with you honey!! I did not take my hubby's name for the reasons you were describing. To me, it only makes things easier on other people (so they're not confused). But anyway, maybe send them a letter with a very large siggy/return address in the format you prefer. Maybe even put your names as mrs and mr. Jenny smith ( or whatever). That'll really confuse them!

 

[MrsPear]

If it upsets you a lot (and I can tell it does ), then I don't think there's any way around just letting them know that you don't like it. You could just keep it lighthearted and make a joke of it, like you know that it's daft but you really like your name and you'd miss it if it wasn't on the envelope anymore. Or, just be honest, and tell them pretty much what you've written here- that you were upset because you feel strongly that you shouldn't 'disappear' because you got married.

I'd just try to steer clear from anything that implies they've upset you- I'd just make it more about the fact you know it's a very standard and common way to address an envelope BUT you still don't like it.

I totally understand and respect your viewpoint very much, but I'd honestly be gobsmacked and quite hurt myself if one of my best local friends who got married this year (in a non-traditional wedding) accused me of treating her like identity-less property simply because of the way I addressed her Christmas card.

So I'd just leave that bit out and tell them you don't like it in general.

PS In the case of your mum- she's probably just excited that you got married and I'd imagine she quite enjoyed writing the envelope. Maybe you could just try to see it from that perspective? x

Thanks so much, that is good advice. I agree that it needs to be worded correctly because I REALLY don't want to upset them. I think they're just very old fashioned and don't think.

Obviously I wouldn't tell them they've made me feel like identity-less property so I will keep it lighthearted. I never thought of my mum just being excited to write the envelope like that. I'm not sure that's her reason but it's a possibility I guess.

I am just thinking about my mum because I'm sure that would have excited her the first time! In fact, I would be a bit excited writing it on one of my friend's cards too. But I would totally understand if they told me they didn't like it and I would respect that. x

 

[redlemonade]

Etiquette is something that changes over time anyway, as much as people see things as traditional many such traditions change out of all recognition over a few generations. I'm guessing it's more (though not exclusively) older people using your husband's initial and perhaps some younger friends just use Mr & Mrs Surname.

If it's your first Christmas as a married couple I'd guess almost every single card that has offended you was written by someone who thought you'd really enjoy seeing Mr & Mrs on your post. So try to remember they're just following tradition but still thinking of you both with love. I'm sure they don't genuinely think you're his possession.

Personally I write cards as Mr & Mrs Surname - unless the woman kept her name then I'd write Mr Hissurname & Ms Hersurname, I think it's rude when people brush over and decide they're still calling you both by his name. I was happy to take my husband's name but I totally respect other's reasons for keeping theirs.

Yes it's all the older generation; friends and family our age don't even use mr & mrs, it's just first names and surname.

It's actually our second Xmas together and we didn't get cards like this last year which is super-confusing! It's only happened since our anniversary this year.

Oh I'm sure they didn't mean any offense at all! And I'm sure they don't see me as his property. I know so many people probably think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but as a feminist, I am finding this hard to swallow.

My very biggest fear is that when our baby is born that we'll get cards addressed like this from the same people. Add extra hormones and tiredness into this mix and it'll feel a lot worse.

Bottom line I guess is that I'll have to let them know, gently, that I don't like this. I genuinely don't want to hurt them and I hate that I have to have this conversation

 

[redlemonade]

I am 10000000% with you honey!! I did not take my hubby's name for the reasons you were describing. To me, it only makes things easier on other people (so they're not confused). But anyway, maybe send them a letter with a very large siggy/return address in the format you prefer. Maybe even put your names as mrs and mr. Jenny smith ( or whatever). That'll really confuse them!

Thanks!! I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I really should say that, overall, I am glad I took my hubby's name because I do like sharing a family name (not at all criticising your decision btw) but it just makes me sad that women today still have to think of these things!

 

[redlemonade]

If it upsets you a lot (and I can tell it does ), then I don't think there's any way around just letting them know that you don't like it. You could just keep it lighthearted and make a joke of it, like you know that it's daft but you really like your name and you'd miss it if it wasn't on the envelope anymore. Or, just be honest, and tell them pretty much what you've written here- that you were upset because you feel strongly that you shouldn't 'disappear' because you got married.

I'd just try to steer clear from anything that implies they've upset you- I'd just make it more about the fact you know it's a very standard and common way to address an envelope BUT you still don't like it.

I totally understand and respect your viewpoint very much, but I'd honestly be gobsmacked and quite hurt myself if one of my best local friends who got married this year (in a non-traditional wedding) accused me of treating her like identity-less property simply because of the way I addressed her Christmas card.

So I'd just leave that bit out and tell them you don't like it in general.

PS In the case of your mum- she's probably just excited that you got married and I'd imagine she quite enjoyed writing the envelope. Maybe you could just try to see it from that perspective? x

Thanks so much, that is good advice. I agree that it needs to be worded correctly because I REALLY don't want to upset them. I think they're just very old fashioned and don't think.

Obviously I wouldn't tell them they've made me feel like identity-less property so I will keep it lighthearted. I never thought of my mum just being excited to write the envelope like that. I'm not sure that's her reason but it's a possibility I guess.

I am just thinking about my mum because I'm sure that would have excited her the first time! In fact, I would be a bit excited writing it on one of my friend's cards too. But I would totally understand if they told me they didn't like it and I would respect that. x

Let's hope people can respect my views when I talk to them!

 

[TwilightAgain]

I don't see the issue with this at all and think you may be over thinking it. If people do not think the way that you do, they may have given it no thought and just done it the way it's meant to be. I know I would of, but it doesn't mean that there is malice involved. You interpret that as being his property but that doesn't mean thats how they would and as a result feel no need to stress over it. It is just a name on a letter after all. If they weren't addressing your name in person then yeah i'd be upset but I wouldn't consider this to be worth stressing over i'd just have a word and tell them you'd rather be addressed in your own right but I wouldn't go making a big deal of out it because I honestly can't see it being malicious on their part.

I think it's one of those things you may have to accept i'm afraid

 

[redlemonade]

I don't see the issue with this at all and think you may be over thinking it. If people do not think the way that you do, they may have given it no thought and just done it the way it's meant to be. I know I would of, but it doesn't mean that there is malice involved. You interpret that as being his property but that doesn't mean thats how they would and as a result feel no need to stress over it. It is just a name on a letter after all. If they weren't addressing your name in person then yeah i'd be upset but I wouldn't consider this to be worth stressing over i'd just have a word and tell them you'd rather be addressed in your own right but I wouldn't go making a big deal of out it because I honestly can't see it being malicious on their part.

I think it's one of those things you may have to accept i'm afraid

Thanks. I see it very differently though. I don't see it as 'just a name on an envelope'. They always wrote my name before now (including last Xmas on our first Xmas as a married couple). I understand it's not a bugbear for everyone but I'm a feminist and this is a big deal to me.

I also find it so hard to understand it when people say that this is how things are 'meant' to be written. That makes no sense to me. But, you're right, I tend to question and over think things, rather than follow the crowd

But you're right in saying there's probably no malice involved at all, I do agree with you there. But I also know that if my behaviour was unwittingly offending someone, I'd rather they told me so that I wouldn't continue hurting them.

Oh I hope this isn't something I'll have to get used to though!

 

[Banshee]

I'm going to agree with you on this one. It would really annoy me to be addressed as mrs x xxx. Yes we are married and I took my husband's last name but I did not take his first name as well. I also think it is an out of date way of addressing married women.
That said, I would probably just leave it even though it would irritate me.

 

[Bex84]

I wouldn't be irritated personally but if it bothers you just tell them or when sending thank you cards where you put return address write how you would like to be addressed. I have never taken any notice how our post is addressed, they may have thought you would have got a kick out of Mr and Mrs and is etiquette. I never gave a second thought to taking hubbies name partly as I wouldn't want a different surname to my lo, I am a feminist but to me my maiden name was given to me through my father and going back through my male line so for me my surname wasn't overly something that defined me, just as my marriage and my career never defined me. I would have been upset if people thought of me just as a teacher or a wife etc as I am a rounded individual, I suppose I am untraditional in the fact I found it funny when we finished university one of my friends had written to me putting all their qualifications next to their names as to me it seemed they were making a big deal of one area of their life. Maybe I am less bothered as through working as a teacher I was referred to as mrs ....... any way. Just be honest with them, I have friends who still go by miss ... using maiden name after marriage due to identidy thing for them, its a personal thing so I think sometimes people just need it pointed out to them you don't like it

 

[redlemonade]

I'm going to agree with you on this one. It would really annoy me to be addressed as mrs x xxx. Yes we are married and I took my husband's last name but I did not take his first name as well. I also think it is an out of date way of addressing married women.
That said, I would probably just leave it even though it would irritate me.

Exactly! I took his last name, not his first name too!

I put up with it the last time we got cards/letters like this (our anniversary), but no more!

 

[redlemonade]

I wouldn't be irritated personally but if it bothers you just tell them or when sending thank you cards where you put return address write how you would like to be addressed. I have never taken any notice how our post is addressed, they may have thought you would have got a kick out of Mr and Mrs and is etiquette. I never gave a second thought to taking hubbies name partly as I wouldn't want a different surname to my lo, I am a feminist but to me my maiden name was given to me through my father and going back through my male line so for me my surname wasn't overly something that defined me, just as my marriage and my career never defined me. I would have been upset if people thought of me just as a teacher or a wife etc as I am a rounded individual, I suppose I am untraditional in the fact I found it funny when we finished university one of my friends had written to me putting all their qualifications next to their names as to me it seemed they were making a big deal of one area of their life. Maybe I am less bothered as through working as a teacher I was referred to as mrs ....... any way. Just be honest with them, I have friends who still go by miss ... using maiden name after marriage due to identidy thing for them, its a personal thing so I think sometimes people just need it pointed out to them you don't like it

I agree with you about the maiden name - that's why I eventually decided to change my name. I didn't think it should be what defines a feminist. However, losing my first name like this is different, for me. I didn't choose to take my husbands first name or to lose my own first name.

I don't mind the mr and mrs bit - just the first name bit

Thanks for your advice. I think you're right, sometimes people just need this sort of thing pointed out to them!

 

[mara16jade]

I haven't read all the posts, and I don't know how to fix your issue...but maybe when you send them cards/etc., make sure the return address is how you would like to see cards addressed to you. I've been married for almost 4 months now, and have yet to be called Mrs. John Smith.

For formal invitations (i.e. wedding invitations) I see no problem in addressing a letter to: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

But for a Christmas card no way! Either Mr. and Mrs. Smith or John and Jane Smith or The Smith Family

I may be the minority, but this is how I feel. It is a BIG deal to give up your last name and take someone else's. Will I? Yes...eventually because I want to have one family name too. But if people start forgetting or deleting my first name and replace with just a Mrs. (as in Mr. and Mrs. John Smith), I'd feel like I had truly lost my individuality. I'm a strong woman, and successful and I'm proud of who I am (and this includes my name!).

So, I totally get where you are coming from OP. I'd be annoyed too.

You could always play the passive-aggressive card and the next time you see them you could say, "Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very pretty. Ever since I got married seems like I've lost my first name! <ha ha> I'm just Mrs. John Smith now". Maybe they're doing it on purpose, and maybe they're doing it because they think its proper or you actually like being called by your DH's first name/last name dohh.

Best of luck. That would drive me crazy.

 

[Bex84]

I get the first name thing, when I address letters its usually people I am close to so I just put their first names as well.

 

[R_x]

I don't see the problem with it, I guess it's just easier if people know more then one couple with that surname, for example husbands dad.
Do they just put it on the envelope?