How do I tell people to stop addressing me as Mrs HISfirstname

[redlemonade]

I haven't read all the posts, and I don't know how to fix your issue...but maybe when you send them cards/etc., make sure the return address is how you would like to see cards addressed to you. I've been married for almost 4 months now, and have yet to be called Mrs. John Smith.

For formal invitations (i.e. wedding invitations) I see no problem in addressing a letter to: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

But for a Christmas card no way! Either Mr. and Mrs. Smith or John and Jane Smith or The Smith Family

I may be the minority, but this is how I feel. It is a BIG deal to give up your last name and take someone else's. Will I? Yes...eventually because I want to have one family name too. But if people start forgetting or deleting my first name and replace with just a Mrs. (as in Mr. and Mrs. John Smith), I'd feel like I had truly lost my individuality. I'm a strong woman, and successful and I'm proud of who I am (and this includes my name!).

So, I totally get where you are coming from OP. I'd be annoyed too.

You could always play the passive-aggressive card and the next time you see them you could say, "Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very pretty. Ever since I got married seems like I've lost my first name! <ha ha> I'm just Mrs. John Smith now". Maybe they're doing it on purpose, and maybe they're doing it because they think its proper or you actually like being called by your DH's first name/last name dohh.

Best of luck. That would drive me crazy.

Thanks for understanding and for great advice! I'm glad I'm not alone

Haha, I wouldn't appreciate a wedding invitation addressed in this way either but maybe that's just me!

I like your advice in how to bring it up with them. But you know what? Last Xmas, our first xmas married, we both had our names on the envelope. Don't know what's happened in the meantime

 

[redlemonade]

I don't see the problem with it, I guess it's just easier if people know more then one couple with that surname, for example husbands dad.
Do they just put it on the envelope?

Yes they just put it on the envelope. I don't see how it would be easier if they knew more than one couple with our surname though? Surely it's just as easy to write both of our names?

 

[weewdy]

I must be the only one who doesnt really look at the envelope. If it comes through my door its mine so i open it. It would be a different matter if they wrote that inside aswell.

 

[R_x]

I don't see the problem with it, I guess it's just easier if people know more then one couple with that surname, for example husbands dad.
Do they just put it on the envelope?

Yes they just put it on the envelope. I don't see how it would be easier if they knew more than one couple with our surname though? Surely it's just as easy to write both of our names?

So they don't have say 3x cards with Mr and Mrs Smith.
You said you feel like you've lost your identity because of it but they do put your first name in the card?

 

[bumpy_j]

I get where you're coming from OP - that would make me physically cringe. Had no idea that was the formal format for such things; seems very, very old fashioned and outdated to me.

 

[mara16jade]

Haha, I wouldn't appreciate a wedding invitation addressed in this way either but maybe that's just me!

LOL Well, I can't say I like seeing it that way on anything, but I understand the super formality some people like to do for things like weddings.
I like my first name, and I'm not giving it up dammit!

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Oh God it'd bother me so much. I remember seeing names written in this format as a child and deciding I never wanted to get married because I'd forever live in the shadow of my husband
I can totally see why it bothers you, you've been robbed of your own identity! If it were me it'd be like a red rag to a bull, I'd be straight on the phone like " WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!??"

I'd NEVER address a married couple in this way though, it just seems so disrespectful to me, it makes me prickly. I don't give a flying f if it's "correct" - it bloody well shouldn't be!

 

[amjon]

I don't see any problem with it. It is the proper way to address.

 

[lozzy21]

Mr and Mrs Smith would not bother me but mr and mrs John smith would. My names not John.

 

[Button#]

I kept my name when I got married and have had loads of cards addressed to mr and mrs x xxxx. I think I've finally got through to my in laws but I still have some family that address our cards like that. Mostly it's people I don't see though so I let it slide.

With the inlaws they finally got it when my OHs grandma sent us a cheque addressed to mr and mrs x xxxx and we had to tell her we couldn't cash it because there was no such person as mrs x xxxx.

It was my OH who felt most strongly about me keeping my name and I was much happier keeping it. My inlaws have driven us mad over it though.

 

[lilyd]

When my friend married, she didn't want to be defined by her husband, so she remained Ms M her surname, rather than Mrs M husbands surname. I would never address anything to them without using both names as her feelings were clear so it would be obvious it would cause offence.

This really boils down to your husbands initial (or name) being included on an envelope and I really don't think anybody would imagine it would cause you so much offence.

I have no idea how you would go about asking somebody to put your initial on an envelope as well, or omitting an initial completely without them feeling that you were being a bit nit picky with them, but I hope you figure it out as it is obviously a big deal for you.

 

[Nibblenic]

It would be different if they were writing that on the inside of the card, correct me if i am wrong but they are writing your name inside the card?

Some people address Christmas cards to us as our house name so eg 'greenview' it doesnt mean people think I am a house or infact that all of us inside it are defined as bricks and motor or that none of us have any identity. Just as when i write a christmas card to my dad I dont put dad on the envelope I put his initial and name, but i would never even think of him as anything other than Dad. Mum still receives cards in her married name, even though shes been divorced 25 years and changed is 20 years ago. I got a card of my family member where they didnt even spell my first name right. I looked at it and thought, oh a card.

My point is, if these people care enough to go to the effort of writing you out and sending you a card. It is the thought that counts.

 

[redlemonade]

I don't see the problem with it, I guess it's just easier if people know more then one couple with that surname, for example husbands dad.
Do they just put it on the envelope?

Yes they just put it on the envelope. I don't see how it would be easier if they knew more than one couple with our surname though? Surely it's just as easy to write both of our names?

So they don't have say 3x cards with Mr and Mrs Smith.
You said you feel like you've lost your identity because of it but they do put your first name in the card?

Our surname isn't as common as Smith. And I don't see why friends and family would be formal with the mr and mrs crap in the first place tbh.

Yes, that's how I feel.

 

[redlemonade]

Thanks everyone. Such a mixture of responses! I get that it doesn't bother everyone, and that's fine if you're ok with it. I'm not. I strongly disagree that 'it's the thought that counts'. They didn't think to address it to me, just my husband. That is incredibly old fashioned to me and I can't see how that is 'proper'. Etiquette fails if it disrespects people IMHO. And this type of etiquette has evolved but, sadly, some people I guess are still following the old way.

I'm a little shocked that so many women around my age would just follow this 'proper' way of addressing envelopes. It's not proper, it's old fashioned and I honestly thought that even the older generation had more consideration for fellow women. Guess not!

Thanks to all of you for your responses though, there's some great support and advice on here so I'm going to speak to them, lightheartedly, about it. If they think I'm being nit-picky so be it. If they care about me they should care that I feel disrespected.

 

[redlemonade]

I kept my name when I got married and have had loads of cards addressed to mr and mrs x xxxx. I think I've finally got through to my in laws but I still have some family that address our cards like that. Mostly it's people I don't see though so I let it slide.

With the inlaws they finally got it when my OHs grandma sent us a cheque addressed to mr and mrs x xxxx and we had to tell her we couldn't cash it because there was no such person as mrs x xxxx.

It was my OH who felt most strongly about me keeping my name and I was much happier keeping it. My inlaws have driven us mad over it though.

Sorry to hear your inlaws have driven you mad over you not changing your name! But it's good that they finally got it!! I can't believe how reluctant people are to change tbh. It's like people are trying very hard to make us fit into a mould or something.

 

[R_x]

They did address it to you, they have put mrs and your first name inside the card.

 

[redlemonade]

They did address it to you, they have put mrs and your first name inside the card.

My name isn't 'mrs HIS first name'. That's what they put on the envelope. So, no, they didn't address it to me.

 

[w8ing4bean]

If it means that much just tell them outright! But tbh thats how u address a card/letter. Always has been always will be...

 

[R_x]

They did address it to you, they have put mrs and your first name inside the card.

My name isn't 'mrs HIS first name'. That's what they put on the envelope. So, no, they didn't address it to me.

Yes but that belongs to the Mr that is also on the card. It's addressed to two people

 

[weewdy]

I actually think it would be worse to put first names on the envelope. I would take offense at that.