How do you move on?

[TatorMom]

We lost and delivered our twin girls Grace Marie and Paige Leanne at 22 weeks last week, due to Chorioamniotitis. It was found to be E.Coli and for the life of me I still don't understand how it happened and no doctor was able to really give us a reason. They said it was just "one of those things" and wasn't anything I did. However, I was on low dose antibiotics with DS2 and think the same thing would've prevented it, but sadly there's no going back. We were able to spend time with them and got some beautiful pictures. At that moment I NEVER wanted to go through this again and asked my doctor to sterilize me, which she refused. I'm thankful she refused now and I'm sure I'm not the only one going through this to ask that. I've had first trimester miscarriages, but they never compared to this in anyway. I'm not trying to downplay the pain of first trimester m/c, but having been through both it just isn't the same. There was never a tangible baby to hold, and to be able to truly see what you've lost. I was one of those that thought once I got past 14-16 weeks we were in the clear and could finally relax. Even though we lost multiples at 16 weeks, that pregnancy was fraught with problems from the start. It's barely been a week and now a part of me is wanting to think about trying again. It's just hard to have nothing to fill the emptiness. Everything, me finishing my master's, building our home, our van, a new car, etc., it all centered around 2 little people that are now gone. In their place is just an emptiness.

I will say that having our 2 boys has made it much easier I think. I don't have the time to sit around and cry all day, or cry myself to sleep because my boys will be up at 630am sharp. I get hugs, kisses and laughs from them that are so much sweeter knowing how fragile life is. In all of this it's made me a million times more grateful for the 2 healthy, happy boys we do have. We've wanted a 3rd baby, and we're trying to figure out when is best to try again. My doctor said she'd just like us to wait 6 weeks for dating reasons, but didn't think there was a specific time that we should wait. It's whenever we're ready emotionally. She said are ready immediately and some wait longer. It would just be nice to be expecting when our girls due date was supposed to be. It won't replace them, but it'll give us something to be happy about and excited for.

 

[3xscharmer]

Hi, I am so very sorry for the loss of your twin girls, I lost my son 8 weeks ago at 17 weeks, he was my 7th loss. There is really no set time to ttc again, whenever you are ready although I would give it one af to help with the physical healing and I would also consider getting some testing done to make sure that the e.coli is completely gone and there are no other infections present. I am currently waiting on af in the next couple of days and we're discussing ttc then...good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you find peace and healing in the coming weeks, it's hard and it sucks and there are still times that I can't actually believe that it happened to me after all the crap I've been through but somewhere, somehow I am finding the stregnth to ttc again.

 

[TatorMom]

3xcharmer I'm so sorry for all of your losses. On top of the E.Coli I tested positive for some rare form of strep throat that doesn't respond well to your typical antibiotic. I'm on a handful of antibiotics, which have been switched up a couple times to make sure that everything clears up. Sadly I got hit with so much all at once, although I don't think the strep A variant had anything to do with loosing our girls. My dr is going to keep me on a low dose antibiotic to prevent any infection complications in a future pregnancy, even though the chance of recurrence is low. I don't want to take the risk. Everything happened so fast. One minute everything was fine and the next we were holding our girls, so it seemed. I didn't get a fever or any signs of infection until after I had delivered. However, they said it wouldn't have mattered. I know in my head as an L&D RN the only way to prevent sepsis and septic shock with Chorioamniotitis is to deliver, and even if I'd been able to put off delivery for several more weeks our girls were so infected that brain damage was likely. When it was me all of my knowledge and experience seemed to go out the window and be filled with panic, desperation and heart break. It's hard for both DH and I, and I don't feel like things will be right in the world again until we are expecting another and get past the 24wk viability mark in the pregnancy. However, time makes things easier and the older our boys get the less and less I want to start over with a baby. We got pregnant with DS1 before af after we lost our multiple pregnancy at 16 weeks, and pregnant with DS2 before af after a m/c at 6wks. This time is just different for many reasons and I don't feel as ready to move on as I did in the past for some reason. DS2 is going through the horrible 3's, so we've decided to play it by year as to when we'll ttc again. A part of my heart wants to now, but another part doesn't and our boys are a fulfilling handful. I'm thankful I had an IUD placed immediately after our girls were born that way I feel like we can have more control. Realistically I don't know that I see us having anymore kids. It would be 100% different if we didn't already have 2 healthy busy little boys. We got a 2 week old Great Dane puppy, Tango, that we bring home Dec 17th and he warms my heart. He's not the same as a baby obviously, BUT having a dog gives me a companionship that kids don't. I know it might seem silly that we got a dog in the healing process, but it helps.

 

[henrysmumkaz]

I saw this thread in the 'new posts' area and obviously know your name so thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing.

I still don't know what to say.. I haven't a clue what you're going through but I am so so sorry for you and your family. You sound as though you're keeping very strong. Thank goodness for your little men. It must be hard putting on a brave face for them sometimes though.

Your little puppy, Tango, is beautiful and I think he's a wonderful addition to your world at this hard time x

 

[TatorMom]

I saw this thread in the 'new posts' area and obviously know your name so thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing.

I still don't know what to say.. I haven't a clue what you're going through but I am so so sorry for you and your family. You sound as though you're keeping very strong. Thank goodness for your little men. It must be hard putting on a brave face for them sometimes though.

Your little puppy, Tango, is beautiful and I think he's a wonderful addition to your world at this hard time x

Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts and kind words. I feel so lost, so does DH, and we aren't even sure how to move forward. Our state did issue us birth/stillbirth certificates, which was comforting for is in a way because they were 22wks old and a huge part of our lives, even though they hadn't walked this earth yet. It was nice to have their lives recognized. I was so sick after I delivered them that it was all kind of a blur, like a true nightmare. I'm grateful that my husband's boss had him take bereavement leave and thankful for the support of his employer. It's much better than mine, and I work at a hospital. His boss and coworkers sent flowers and put Grace and Paige's names on the card, as did my coworkers, which really meant a lot. It was nice to have our girls acknowledged. DH and I are in uncharted territory, as this is NOTHING like a 1st trimester m/c. Our boys do make things easier in many ways, but harder in others. Life is so very fragile and I'm glad I enjoyed my pregnancy with our girls and didn't stress much because it was the only time I really got with them. It's nice to know it's not something that should happen again in a pregnancy, especially since I'll be on prophylactic antibiotics, but it doesn't change what happened. I don't see us ttc again anytime soon, partially because things are very busy with our boys, but also because I don't want to go through the stress another pregnancy will bring after this. Maybe after we've healed from this, and maybe when both of our boys are in regular school next year, we'll feel differently. Feelings change, so I'll never say never, but for now we're just taking things one moment at a time. We're very excited to bring Tango home! He gives us something to dote on and look forward to.

 

[3xscharmer]

I don't think it's silly that you got a dog...I did the same after I lost my grandmother in January but unfortunatly it didn't work out for us, I'm kinda allergic and I know that but thought what the hell...I know there are hypo-allergenic but I am allergic to the dander and all dogs have that so it was just not a good fit for us. I'm also not judge-y person, aside from shooting up to deal with your grief then I'm all for "do what you need to do" (which is just a slight veriation from the John-Mayer song say what you need to say) If having a puppy helps you feel just the slightest bit better then love that dog for all your worth! I personally shop and spend wayyyy to much money as well as smoke (not when ttc or pg) and DH is all about making me happy through whatever means necessary. Hope you find your peace and healing.

 

[tummymummy]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girls. xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[TatorMom]

My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced the loss of a baby or child. It's the worst feeling in the world. Some moments I'm fine and other moments I feel like my world is crashing down and I don't know which way is up. I worry about our 2 boys in a way I never have before, at least not to this degree. I'm hoping with time it will get easier. I'm hoping getting pregnant again will bring some healing and happiness back. We're leaving on vacation tomorrow morning to take our boys to Disney and the beach for their birthday, and DH and I are looking forward to the break. Hoping getting away for a bit, relaxing and having some fun will help. I just feel so lost and confused much of the time. I miss my baby girls so badly and what should have been. They were so beautiful and perfect in every way. I just feel all over the place emotionally and am praying for a light in the darkness.

 

[Andypanda6570]

It is the worst experience of my life and I could have never in a million years have known how this felt unless I have been through it . I mean I always sympathized with women who lost their babies but I could have never known how deep this pain is/ it does ease up after awhile, but it never ever goes away. It has been a year and 8 months and I still cry randomly, I miss Ava with every fiber of my being

I never go in the twins section, but your post was there and my heart sunk, it was heartbreaking to read this. Every single time I read of another loss my heart aches, cause I know what you or anyone is about to face. I am so sorry what happened, for your loss., My words could not even describe the pain I feel for you and all of you. We just need support and nobody understand this, they just think after awhile we should move on, doesn't work like this, i wish to God it would

I was doing a little better till my Sister In Law announced her pregnancy, we both have 3 boys, older. I lost Ava she saw I had a girl so she tried, now she is 40 weeks and ready to go any day and I don't know how I am going to the hospital let alone even seeing this baby, she didn't tell anyone what she is having, but I just know it is a girl/ I have put much distance between us, we only say hello and goodbye, I just could not handle it. I just have to get through it and learn to cope someway. I promise things will get better and ease up, but this pain really will never leave, it just doesn't. I am here if you ever need to talk ever, just message me. Andrea

 

[3xscharmer]

I took a vacation to Florida the week after I lost Zane, we had intended to announce our pregnancy with him on the way and that was hard, but my doctor was in full support of me getting away and having a few drinks, my nurse even suggested having someone carry me back to my room if I needed it b/c I deserved to let loose. That trip really helped me, sitting on the beach, feeling the wind and smelling the ocean...and pretending to be just a regular everyday tourist instead of a grieving mom really made the difference. Also it was my DD's first trip to the ocean so I had to be happy because she was just so excited and I got caught up in all of her excitement that for an entire week I actually felt normal, but then it ended and I had to go home again and back to reality. Getting a break from my life was amazing, it was the first time that I didn't cry myself to sleep. I hope you have a fun trip, hope you take time to relax and just enjoy that time, there were times I felt a little guilty for being able to relax and have a little fun, but I just reminded myself that LIFE is a gift that is not given to everyone and we should do those little things that make us happy because we deserve to be happy even in the mist of sorrow and we know just how easy it is for a life to end, for a heart to stop beating. So have some fun and enjoy your time with your boys and DH

John 1:5 (Phi) The light still shines in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.

 

[TatorMom]

Thank you! We're having a blast! It's the first time I've smiled, for real, in over a week. Something about being far from home makes it easier to separate from our reality for a short time. I had a diet soda and a couple drinks for the first time in months and months and it felt amazing! As soon as we got on the plane I just felt like a cloud was lifted. Our boys have had a blast too, and with my parents here we've been able to get akine time. OH weather has always made DH and I depressed, even before we lost the pregnancy, so it'll be nice when we can move out of state to a place with nicer weather in a couple yrs. We don't really have any friends to talk to or do things with close to us and no family that we're close with. There isn't much to do in central OH either, so it makes it harder to cope with loosing our girls when there's not much to do to get our minds off of it and no friends or family. We both needed this vacation and I'm so glad we decided to go. The timing seemed awful, but it turned out to be the best. DH and I are already dreading going home.