How much help did you really need/want/ or plan for post birth help at your house?

[DoubleLines]

I’m a FTM and to be completely honest, (while incredibly thankful) I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at how many people are saying they are coming to our house to help/stay over/be with the baby after we come home from the hospital. Right now my Mom is planning to come stay for about a week post-delivery. My sister, and my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL) live nearby and want to stop by daily and are already saying things like they will “take my baby off my hands for an hour or two” – (umm, no). Friends and extended family are asking when they can come to visit.

I know I can’t fathom how much help we will really need so I’m hoping to get some suggestions from people on what they have done or what they plan to do?

I guess I just feel totally overwhelmed by having people stay in our house / so many people wanting to meet and hold our baby. Maybe because it’s our first, and I only have a short time off from work, I want as much time with her as possible, plus I really want the Husband and I to learn to do this together instead of our own mothers completely taking over. I have no idea how my recovery will be (will I be bleeding and uncomfortable) and if breast feeding will mean having my boob out around the clock (in which case, I’m ok with my own Mom and Husband but I’d prefer to not learn the ins and outs of breast feeding with my in-laws standing by me). Is it rude to maybe suggest ways in which they can actually help? (i.e. clean, cook, grab groceries, walk the dog vs. trying to take the baby)

Thank you for any suggestions!

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

None except my OH and honestly having other people around all the time would have done my head in.

I wanted my baby with me all the time so couldn't have let her go with anyone for a few hours.

In my experience 1 visitor a day for a maximum of 1hr was plenty and we had no visitors of the first day home.

Baby slept about 18hrs a day waking every couple of hours for long enough to eat, stretch, have a little cry and gaze around then back to sleep.

If you have a reflux or colicky baby who cries a lot then you may appreciate more help to give yourself a little quiet time but I would tell everyone else you appreciate their offers and will take them up if needed but would like to plan for as much alone time with your baby as possible.

 

[River54]

Honestly - if they want to help out - great - but not with baby.
I think alot of people have good intentions, but forget about the part where you and your hubby need to bond with baby and figure out the baby stuff together. People also seem to have this overwhelming urge to see a new baby...

I'd tell people that want to help out - that they can either drop off some food/meals/snacks, or help clean the house, do laundry, get groceries for you, etc.
If you trust your mum to stay out of the way of baby, maybe get her to stay, but have her be the warden on your house, accepting gifts and food and what not on your behalf if people randomly stop by. Your ILs etc maybe can just help out by going on errands if you need prescriptions, groceries, or something you need.
Also maybe give them a time frame when they can actually see baby - whether it be a small family gathering a few weeks later or something for an hour. If they live so close, it won't be hard on them to wait a bit to visit.

 

[Genevevex]

With our first baby my parents stayed at my house for the first week--and I really wish they hadn't. It drove me crazy having them there the whole time and I felt like I could never really relax to recover. Additionally, if you're breast feeding, then yeah, you pretty much have your boob out every two hours or so for the baby to eat. And it kind of makes people being there to help pointless, because you STILL have to get up EVERY TIME the baby wakes up to feed.

Additionally, my mother in law offered to take the baby for a night when my son was just two weeks old. I agreed out of sheer exhaustion. Not going to lie, I hated that, too. I didn't like having my baby away from me all night, and barely slept because I was so worried.

How would I do it differently? Don't have anyone stay with you. Don't let anyone "take the baby for a while" (unless you are really okay with that). Have visiting hours, and set limits on when people can come over. Definitely GIVE them times of the day where they can, but set limits (and maybe your mom is allowed more than other relatives--totally up to you). Tell people if they want to help, you could really use a meal or two, or ask if they could do some grocery shopping for you--THOSE are going to be your biggest help needs. (Maybe even see if someone would offer to do some dishes for you )

 

[alexspargo]

I have had three kids prior to this one and I can honestly say the less people at your house in the days/weeks after giving birth, the better. It is too stressful having a bunch of people around watching you. I would let them know that you appreciate the sentiment but you will call if you need them and if they don't hear from you that means everyone is doing just fine. The first few days are critical for you to not only bond with your baby but to get confidence as a mother. It is much harder to get that confidence when people are hanging over your shoulder. Good luck Mama!!

 

[kirsty15032]

I made a rule that we was not allowing any visitors within the first week because my partner is self employed so only took a week off and we wanted to figure it out ourselves. We did call at our parents so they could meet her but that was it. This time it will be the same rules parents can meet him but then we will be on our own to adjust as a family of 4. I find if you tell people your plans early then they can't argue when you have baby home and they have no expectations. Worked for us.

 

[Radkat]

We had the first few days to ourselves, then my parents came for 4 days. 2 weeks later, DH's parents came for 4 days. Everyone stayed in hotels. Anyone local I would tell them that you will call when it's a good time. I had a friend come over when DD was 3 weeks old. She brought lunch, hung out and talked and left after about 1.5 hours. It was perfect. If anyone asks what they can do, give them a job. Pick up groceries, do the dishes, thrown some laundry in. Whatever is helpful. Yes, people want to see the baby, but they don't need to be staying at your house and feeling like you need to entertain them.

 

[ssjad]

All great advice above.
Honestly, having a baby for the first time is scary! The fastest way to becoming confident is by doing it yourself. Steep learning curve, sure. You're going to be an amazing mum.

 

[dom85]

You're going to have to make a bit of a stand with this one. When I had DS my Mum stayed with me for two weeks and it was an absolute godsend for me, however I did have a c section and DSs father was not in the picture so I was on my own. She was great though, even though she was so excited about being a Nanny she barely held him the whole time she stayed, she looked after me rather than the baby. She made sure I was fed, got things we needed from the shops, kicked people out when they'd been round for two hours and she actually went out herself for a few hours a day so I did have time alone with the baby. However, it doesn't sound like that's the help you'll be getting so you need to tell people about what you want and don't want.

I think the only people that will be allowed at our house after this one is born will be OH's sister and my best friend but I know they won't stay all day.

 

[d_b]

None! Lock the door!

For my first i told my parents not to come for the first 2 weeks (they live far away so have to stay with me). They booked their flight for 5 days after my due date (grrr) and stayed for ten days. It was absolutely not helpful, I was annoyed at having people in my house, and in tons of pain from breastfeeding.

For #2 we needed someone to watch DS1 while I was in hospital so asked my mom to come up, she came a few days before my due date. I know it sounds ungrateful but I didn't really want anyone staying with us, hiwever I was concerned with going into labour in the middle of the night and having to drag DS1 out of bed to take him to our friend's house. Anyway, I said I didn't want anyone else for at least a week, then my dad booked his flight for the day after my due date anyway (grr) and I got him to change it so he moved it a few days later.

This time we will need someone to watch the boys but might try to get a friend or sitter to do it instead of having my parents come up. My mom seems to be under the impression that I'm due two weeks later than my real due date, and I might not correct her, lol.

I heard a 'rule of thumb' that if you're not comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed as your guest, don't let them stay at your house after you've just given birth.

 

[mel28nicole]

They really don't need to stay at the house. Helping during the day for a couple hours is great. Helping with baby while napping, getting groceries, doing laundry, or bringing over food is great. But other than that, I don't know why grandparents need to be around to help. You gotta learn how your baby works, how their cries are, get into a routine. If they are helping all the time, you won't learn. I would put my foot down and tell them when you want help, you will ask.

 

[Beanonorder]

To be honest it really depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mom. I live in China and have a close relationship with my mom. She came to stay for five weeks, arrived 1 week before my due date. She was amazing! She did the cooking, taught me how to bath and dress dd, took her at 5am so I could get a bit of sleep. She never overstepped and always waited to be ask. The last Friday before she left she insisted dh and I went out for dinner so we at least had one evening on our own. Both my parents are coming out this time and I can't wait! It will be a bit weird with my dad - like he won't be comfortable with me breastfeeding in front of him. But that's OK.

As for visitors absolutely tell them what you need. Also, ask them to text (not phone) before coming over and if they receive no reply then it means you're sleeping or its a bad time. Its hard but you have to be firm because the only person who ends up badly affected is you. Tell your in laws, politely, that you will definitely contact them if you need help but could they rather wait to be asked instead of just showing up everyday.

 

[londonangel]

Hiya, I think it's impossible to tell how you'll feel or what help you'll want. I didn't have help other than hubby last time and unfortunately my back was quite badly damaged due (I think) to manual removal of the placenta. I wouldn't have let anyone take my baby 'off my hands' and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with getting used to breastfeeding in front of anyone other than my husband. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be and my baby struggled to latch. I remember vividly that we had to take Eleanor back to hospital at 4 days old and was told she'd lost over 10% of body weight and that I'd have to give her expressed milk in bottles (or give her formula) as otherwise she would starve. The day after my in-laws visited and hubby let his mum feed the baby and it really upset me, I kept thinking - it's my baby, I should be feeding her, I'm a complete failure. I was able to breastfeed her in the end but this time if the breastfeeding doesn't work well (I have flat nipples which make it hard for baby to latch) there is no way I will allow anyone other than me or hubby to feed the baby. I will put my foot down and I will get what I want - no arguments!

 

[londonangel]

Sorry meant to add that I think suggesting things people can do to help is a good idea - they may want to take the baby but I have never let anyone take Eleanor out without me - she's three and a half and I've never left her with anyone other than my husband, except for one night when we were staying with my parents and she was asleep in bed and we went round the corner to the pub for an hour with my friend, with parents under strict instruction to phone me if she woke up!

When I have this baby we will have to leave Eleanor with my parents (they live three and a half hours drive away but will come down when I go into labour) and obviously I trust them to look after her but it feels weird to me that my night away from Eleanor in hospital will be the first night I've ever had away from her.

 

[londonangel]

Sorry realised I should add Eleanor goes to nursery - so she does have lots of time without me - but I've never left her with family or friends.

 

[amyleigh89]

Last time my Mum came to stay 3 days after I got out from hospital but mainly because hubby had to go back to work and I had a csection.

This time hubby has 2 weeks booked off and my mum will be staying for week 3 until I'm feeling up to looking after a toddler and a newborn with scar etc.

When I am in hospital I will let parents visit but last time Hubby's GRANDPARENTS turned up 2 days after I had the most traumatic birth and emcs. I was a mess. I won't be having any other visitors in the hospital.

I live a bit of a drive from my family so brothers will probs head down and spend 3/4 hours.

Sometimes it's nice to have somewhere there just so you can take a bath and not worry...especially if you have a restless baby.

Go with whatever you are comfortable with though and most of all don't worry about hurting people's feelings they will get over it x

 

[luz]

I didn't have any help after birth, aside from my husband. I really don't think adjusting to a new baby is THAT hard. . . . at least not hard enough to expect someone to come cook and clean for you. However, my husband is really good about doing laundry and dishes when they need to be done, which didn't leave me with too much to do. If you don't feel comfortable having someone come live with you for a few weeks, then don't! If people want to come help out i don't think it is rude to ask them to find a hotel or somewhere else to stay, and then just coming by during the day.

 

[MrsKChicago]

I'm a first time mom too, love the advice in this thread. I have a couple people "on call" who I know will come quickly if I need them, but I expect DH and I will want the first week or two mostly to ourselves. Short visits don't bother me, in theory, but I want to be able to do what I need to do without interference for the most part, and I expect there will be a lot of unwashed hair and boobs hanging out.

I'd have no qualms assigning people tasks if they want to visit. I really doubt I'd want to hand the baby off to someone while I go take a nap or something, but I'll give someone I like a few minutes of baby cuddles if they take care of the dogs and load the dishwasher. I'd be happy to help out in that way if a friend had a new baby, but I'd be annoyed if I came over and did all the house work and didn't get any kind of baby time while I was there.

 

[luz]

I'm a first time mom too, love the advice in this thread. I have a couple people "on call" who I know will come quickly if I need them, but I expect DH and I will want the first week or two mostly to ourselves. Short visits don't bother me, in theory, but I want to be able to do what I need to do without interference for the most part, and I expect there will be a lot of unwashed hair and boobs hanging out.

I'd have no qualms assigning people tasks if they want to visit. I really doubt I'd want to hand the baby off to someone while I go take a nap or something, but I'll give someone I like a few minutes of baby cuddles if they take care of the dogs and load the dishwasher. I'd be happy to help out in that way if a friend had a new baby, but I'd be annoyed if I came over and did all the house work and didn't get any kind of baby time while I was there.

In my experience this is exactly what happens. People come over and insist they are giving you a 'break from baby' for 10 or 15 minutes so you can shower, clean, and do things you haven't been able to do because you are so busy with the baby. However i never found taking care of my baby a burden and i would much rather have someone to do the housework for me.

I do agree with what others have said about how you need to get used to having a baby and getting used to it without others around and telling you what to do, or doing it for you all the time.

 

[Daisypetals]

This was a great question, thanks for asking it and thanks for all the great advice. I am a FTM , and after reading everyone's posts, I am so happy I told my husband to tell his mom she needed to wait a couple of months before flying out to "help with the baby for a week or two." She was planning to come as soon as the baby was born, but I explained to my hubby that while I appreciate that she meant well, I would spend my time worrying about hosting her plus I needed time to just be with our baby myself.