How often does FOB see LO?

[pandacub]

My ex came up last weekend to see Jacob, and I said we should probably develop some sort of routine so he comes up regularly.
I initially suggested once a month or once every three weeks, but FOB said he wanted to come up every other week.. Considering before last weekend it had been 7 weeks since he visited and before that 5 weeks, excuse me if I dont hold my breath!

SO i dont know how strict to be with this, I think we should set it at every month for now and possibly increase in January, but if he wants to come up in between designated visit times, should i say no, we have a routine in place; or say yes, but remind him he still needs to come on the agreed date?
Saying no feels spiteful, but he also needs to know he cant do what he wants.

I want Jacob to have consistency, and Im going to have to be firm because FOB is full of hot air; for example, he said he couldnt come and visit a few weeks back because he promised his friend he would go out for her bday

This is all new and confusing to me!

 

[Becky61]

Hi,
Bit of a tough one!
Um...
I would stick to once every month, or 3 weeks SET IN STONE. And if he alters this say no, your child isn't getting messed around. He comes on those agreed dates or not at all.
Say you will be flexible, as you want your child to have a father figure, and if he wishes to see him inbetween SCHEDULED visits he may, providing it fits in with you ie. don't change plans to fit in with him. Show him who's boss.
I don't know the bloke, but judging by what you say, he will struggle to maintain the scheduled once a month/once every 3 weeks, he will undoubtedly fail at anything inbetween! But give him the option, hopefully he wont let you down!
Hope this makes sense!
x

 

[pandacub]

Thanks! Thats pretty much what I was thinking. I really hope he pulls his socks up and maintains regular visits.. This single parent thing is a minefield!

 

[Dream.dream]

Once a month I think personally is to infrequently for your son to be comfortable with Him or form any relationship.

Usually the normal thing is every other week .

My sons dad until he chose to stop coming came every other Saturday from 8-4 and every Wednesday from 6-8 pm

You can't really enforce the consistanly thing but best way to protect your son is to have fob text you when he's on his way an dont tell LO he's coming until then . That way there isn't disappointment

 

[pandacub]

I agree but I really dont think he'll be able to sustain every other week.. He lives in another city, (90 min drive or 3hr train) so once he paases his driving test I think it'll be easier and he wont have the excuse of 'cant afford it'.
Hmm, we will see!

 

[beanzz]

I don't think once a month is enough for them to bond as father and son. Say to him if he messes your LO about and doesn't come see him every other week then you will have to either limit him to less time or stop all contact as your son needs stability.

FOB see's LO Tuesdays, Thursdays for an hour and a half and every other Saturday morning til Sunday evening. To me that's still not enough but I can't force him to have him any more than that

 

[dudettex]

I agree with PP it's important for them to get as much time as they can together. Maybe try doing that weekly thing and let him know you're not messing around and if he messes up more then 1 time then go back to what you're doing now.

My LO never sees her dad. We use to do weekends but he kept messing around and changing plans last minute, cancelling or just giving me a straight up hard time. So we stopped at the end of march and tried supervised visits, he came once in may and that's it. Now he's gone to Ontario which is 17 hours or so from here and I don't think he'll be coming down anytime soon.

 

[Ceejay123]

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[Mummy1995]

I've thought about this a lot and I agree with the other girls. If it were me I would start on one day every two weeks for a few months, and if (and only if) he comes every arranged visit on time etc then I would think about increasing it to every week like he wants. I think that's a good compromise and you'll be able to see from that I he really is committed or not x

 

[Natsku]

I think at least every other week otherwise its not frequent enough to maintain the relationship. When I was in mediation the child psychologist said that a toddler needs contact at least once a week really (but that can include phone or skype instead of an actual visit) so I would start with every other week and a phone call or skype call on the inbetween weeks.

 

[babycrazy1706]

my ex works 3days on/3days off on rolling shifts so on his 3 days off he comes to see LO every day. i hope this continues as i know its good for elijah. Xx

 

[teal]

I would have thought some contact each week to build and maintain a relationship.

I don't have any contact with my ex (his choice). I don't have experience but I'm a firm believer that no contact is better than half assed contact.

I feel sad that my son doesn't have his father in his life but I can honestly say I done all I could do to try and involve my ex.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Right now FOB sees them f*ck all, by his own choice He won't take Liam unsupervised at all, and says he will only take Eamon every second Saturday afternoon till Sunday midday. He only comes here for 20 mins at a time and has only done it twice in two weeks, and took us out to town for an hour the other day.

However, he has yet to actually take Eamon as agreed. He backed out on me this morning so for the last two weeks since we have been separated, he has seen his kids for about 2/3 hours total in the fortnight. He then had the balls to threaten me this morning about not handing E over when he wanted him after backing out (it's a long story, and his own fault that I said no to taking him, so he screamed about me being a four-letter word and then wanted him ), and so right now he is getting nothing till he realises threatening me is not a good idea.

As for your situation, I would do the once every three weeks for consistency at this point, then revisit it if all goes well