How to break the news you don't want them in delivery room

[Pulirula]

Ok quick story. With my DD my mom was in the room with us. We didn't really want her in there but I had to start pushing fast so it she ended up staying. Well fast forward 7 years I'm due in August and she keeps talking about being in the room. I don't know how to tell her we don't want her there. I've been hinting to her like "ya our DD will be in the waiting room with you guys" and stuff like that. I haven't said anything to make her think she's invited. Idk how to tell her without breaking her heart. My hubs works an hour away and if this baby comes fast I'm going to need my mom to take his place but if he can be there I want him. Help!

 

[MyFavSurprise]

I don't have great advice unfortunately but my sister always got herself into the delivery room and last time she tried to get my preteen and teen niece and nephews in while i was screaming and pushing. This time i wanted it to be just my husband and I, so i told everyone that due to flu season no visitors were allowed, because there's no way she would understand if I told her the truth and i didnt want to hurt her feelings. Would your mom understand if you told her you just want it to be intimate between you and your husband?

 

[Parkep]

Unfortunately I think you have to come out and say your plans. I would tell her if OH can be there you want it just the two of you, but if he doesn't make it you would be happy to have her in the room with you.

 

[Pulirula]

I think she's going to really upset because she was In There the first time. I was also 23 at the time and now I'm 31 and o know what's going to happen I don't feel like I "need" her to be there. My hubs and I weren't married at the time and he was a major alcoholic so I'm glad she was there with us. But we are different now and he wants to be the one to support me and help with labor. ( last time I was in labor I was in the bath having contractions and he came in with a book and sat next to the tub and put his feet up! I could have killed him right there!!!) but he's different now. He's sober and wants it just us.

 

[Parkep]

Yes she will probably be a little bit hurt. But she will be okay. I would explain it just like that. Things have changed, you are in a different place in your lives and want your husband as your support person this time. I hope she will understand.

 

[DobbyForever]

I agree just being super open and honest. She'll be hurt because she's your mom and no matter what still sees you as her little girl who will always need her mom. Maybe it would help to play up that she's the only one you trust to keep DD calm, and really say this is a great time for grandma to bond with granddaughter before baby comes on top of you needing your space.

TBH this was a big draw of a doula. As soon as my friend said "I can be the bad guy with kicking people out or sending them on errands" I was like SIGN ME UP! lol So I just gave her a list of who can stay during labor and who can stay during deliver and she's ready to be the b* on my behalf hehehe

 

[Pulirula]

I don't know if I should tell her over the phone or in person. I see her all the time but I'm really bad with telling people this kind of stuff. I think over the phone would just be a quick pulling off the band aid thing and give her time to deal with it. In person it might get harder. Plus she's on the cusp on menopause so she's super emotional now anyway.

 

[DobbyForever]

I vote whichever is easier on you tbh. I know some people say it's not polite, but meh. I think phone is fine. Just maybe not text. Though I've done that. I'm bad with confrontation lol.

 

[StillPraying]

Being honest is always best, but you could also blame your hospital and say they only allow one person in during delivery. I hate hurting family members feelings.

 

[SonnyH]

Agree with the above, I think you just have to be honest. She is a grown up and this is yours & your OH baby, not hers. I'm with you on hating confrontation, so just do what's best for you. Can you take your partner with you for support? So you can say that you are a team and this time, you'd like to just do it together. Plus your partner will be less emotionally involved and perhaps be able to explain better!

I've always been ademant that it'll always just be me and my OH in labour, I personally don't really get having your mum there as well (if you are in a happy, loving relationship- obviously different if not!) .. for me, pregnancy & labour & the child is about you and your partner. But that's just me. My mum thankfully has the same opinion! At the end of the day, it's your labour and you must have if how you want it. You never know, she might suprise you and be totally fine with it! Or hopefully she'll at least act that way to you even if she's a bit disappointed privately!

 

[6lilpigs]

Maybe write out your 'birth plan' and the bring up a discussion of your 'birth plan' with her. 'Hi mum, I've finished my birth plan for the new baby do you want me to run through it with you!' ' Starting out with just me and DH in the room, you got DD in the waiting room on standby incase I need you, no pain releif until 8cm, cord allowed to stop pulsing before cutting, skin to skin etc' That way it shows that the whole event is being carefully planned not just her part

 

[DreamCatcher_]

My mum was in the labour room with DS but never got in to theatre for my emcs.
Having an elcs this time and she was convinced she'd be there either in theatre instead of OH, or before and after.

Her reasoning was "but you're my baby and I worry about you".
I repeatedly told her that she would come to the hospital at visiting, like everyone else, as OH and I want that time to ourselves. She kept pushing and I kept my answer the same.

She eventually stopped mentioning it and seems to have the jist of it now, whether she is happy or not is her issue.

 

[vaniilla]

I think you shouldn't put too much stress on yourself over this, it is your birth and nobody, not even your OH are entitled to be there! Your mum will have already done this and I hope nobody tried to dictate to her. It's a private moment which you should only share with those you feel comfortable, nobody should question your decision.

 

[Pulirula]

I'm going to call her later today and tell her that hubs and I decided it will be just him and me in there. going to need her to be with my DD to keep her calm. If hubs is at work and can't make it I will need her to fill in taking me to the hospital. You guys are right. This is my baby and she'll just have to deal with it. She's used to getting what she wants so she'll still probably try to stay in the room so I'll tell the nurse to kick her out when the time comes.

 

[Pulirula]

Well I told her and she didn't seem upset. She said she understood and figured that's what we wanted. But she didn't want to stay on the phone long after. So idk if she's upset or not. I told her so it's out of my hair now. I just hope she doesn't hold a grudge.

 

[StillPraying]

it's hard when you aren't trying to be mean or anything like that. I'm glad she took it okay and hopefully if she is upset she will get over it quickly.

 

[DobbyForever]

I'm glad that the talk went well. I wouldn't read to much into her quick hang up. Even if she is upset, she'll get over it. And maybe she just had something she needed to go do. But yay for having it off your chest!

 

[crazylilth1ng]

If she is upset, she will get over it and probably pretty quickly. Things like this are just not worth being upset over. Glad you got it out of the way.

My mum came in for my first 2 deliveries (I wanted her to) but did not come into my last one as it was a section and the baby's dad came in, she will also not be coming in this time as although I am going for vbac I need her to watch my daughter. She doesn't mind

 

[vaniilla]

Glad to hear it's done with now, she can be upset as long as she doesn't take it out on you, it's your decision and it needs to be respected.

 

[Laurenmomma]

I would just say it straight! I only ever wanted my partner at the hospital we didn't have visitors until we were home and our other kids had met the baby! It's not often you will have time just the 3 of you especially when you have another child so cherish the moments!