How to deal with pregnant friends?

[Jasiellover]

I have been pondering on this for a few days now.

How do you, as an infertile, deal with being around pregnant women/women with babies?

Can you bare it ? Do you stay away ?

Tomorrow night, there is a get together with all of the husbands and wives from the military station my husband works at. My friend hosting the party is pregnant and I tend to try to stay far away for the sake of trying to hide my hurting heart. But I REALLY want to get out and be around other wives. I am away from family and friends so it is nice when I get the chance to be around other people (that aren't fertile mertiles). This particular friend knows our situation and has made comments to me such as "it will happen when you least expect it", "stop *trying* and start *believing*", etc. I feel like if I try to suck it up and attend I will just be overwhelmed by all of the babies and pregnancy talk and I will come out feeling worst than if I wouldn't of went at all. & I feel completely guilty for always telling my husband I can't go some where because there is a pregnant person there. I guess my question is how do you handle situations like this? I know I'm not the only one so I'm just looking for some advice if anyone has any. Thank you

 

[Wallie]

Personally I try to stay away as much as I can although if I'm not close to someone I'm quite happy for them to be pregnant.

Once you tell someone I think it gets harder and totally depends on their personality too. My friend was struggling for a bit to conceive, she knew my situation and IVF and now basically I feel, and my OH feels it too, that she's rubbing my nose in it, even though she knew our situation. I just try to stay away from her now.

You have to concerve your own feelings but if you want to make friends you'll have to put yourself out there. It's a toughie for you.

 

[Jasiellover]

Thanks for responding! I appreciate it.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

hi,

its a tough one this, I usually avoid as well but it is very isolating, is everyone else going to be talking babies or just this one friend, if not you could go and try to avoid her as much as possible and talk to other people. It constantly staggers me how women who know i cant have babies still talk to me about their pgs ect and expect me to act the same as other women who have been pg ect. unbelievable arrogance on their part, i often wonder if these same women would run up and down past someone in a wheelchair going "its a lovely day for running and walking , look at me ," because its the same senario different situation but end result someone is gloating and someone is hurt.

rosebud

 

[Jasiellover]

Youre right, very well said rosebud thank you so much!

 

[MrsEvans]

Both of my best friends were pregnant at the same time, one has had a baby the other her baby is due in November.

I try not to avoid it any more i feel dwelling on what i dont have isnt helping. i feel sad some days but i found personally i was worse when i feed my pity party. i feel healthier just being involved then avoiding it. Nothing has been as bad as i thought in my mind

Good luck
xxx

 

[SpicyWolf]

I wish I could say I am strong enough but I have completely cut off ties with my pregnant/mom friends. It's mostly self-preservation at this point. I think you should do what feels right for you - anyone who has lived though the pain of infertility wouldn't blame you.

 

[hootie]

I thankfully didnt have too many friends that were pregnant while struggling but I found that it was like everywhere I went everyone was pregnant. I would almost feel angry at them and I know that is not right at all. But it was painful. Just never give up hope and know that you are not alone.

 

[Care76]

For the amount of time we have had IF problems, I would be a homebody if I stayed away from pregnant women. I have 11 nieces and nephews so it seemed for a while at least 2 (or 3 or 4 with my sister in law) were pregnant at the same time. Occasionally it would make me feel sad, wishing I had my own baby, but I tend to enjoy being able to talk about what they were going through or help out. I was with two friends while they gave birth and I loved it. It didn't make me sad and I actually wasn't thinking about myself at all. It was just so amazing to be part of. I have a lot of open relationships with my family and friends so we tend to talk about every pregnancy detail, now even though I have never given birth a lot of my friends ask me questions when they get pregnant.

I do have my bad days though. A couple weeks ago my husbands cousin gave birth to a little girl. When my mom called to tell me we were just going through a chemical pregnancy so I couldn't talk and started to cry. I was asked to go and see the baby the next week but I couldn't go. Finally this week my husbands nanny needed a ride to go see them so I agreed. I turned out to be fine while seeing the baby. I didn't get sad at all. Then their 2 year old son woke up from his nap and when I saw him I almost lost it. He and my youngest were only a few moths apart and he reminded me so much of him. I tried not to cry, but my eyes were red and wet, so I am sure they could tell. It was so hard. It just made me want to hold my son like her husband was holding his when he woke up. I love how when little ones wake up they are all sleepy and cuddly and shy and bury their heads in you. I miss it. I miss them. And now it seems instead of babies making me sad it is toddlers.

I do HATE it though when people say things like "it will happen when it is time" or "just relax and don't think about it". A friend who also had problems conceiving for years just said those things to me. I know she didn't mean them and she is a super sweet person, but I hate hearing that crap. I am sure she didn't like hearing it when it was said to her, but as soon as someone falls pregnant they start saying the same things. After all these years it makes me want to tell them to f*** off. I would really shock people then, lol.

 

[Jasiellover]

Thanks so much for the advice! It really helped me feel better and not alone. I ended up not going... lol. My husband didn't want to go anyways so I didn't feel as guilty

 

[Cridge]

It used to make me sad or angry to be around pregnant women or newborns. I finally had the realization that I was begrudging these women for doing exactly what I would do if I could do it. I realized it wasn't fair to them - they did nothing wrong, did I expect my friends to hold off having kids because I couldn't? And it wasn't fair to me - I was sad or angry all the time. I love parties and decided that I wasn't going to let my broken body keep me away from baby showers or away from spending time with my friends and their babies. It's still hard for me every once in awhile and sometimes I'll just get really emotional out of the blue, but I try hard to be happy for my friends and tell myself that I can do things that they can't because they're tied down with a baby. It doesn't take the deep pain and sorrow away, obviously, but it helps to find the positive aspects of not being able to get pregnant. There are many! I've also learned to let go of all the insensitive comments people make. I think in general, people have good intentions - they just have no idea what it's like and what they're talking about. I can't allow those comments to get to me so I completely blow them off or come up with some come back that makes them feel uncomfortable. Sweet justice.

 

[Jasiellover]

Very well said cridge, thanks so much !

 

[Whitbit22]

To be honest for the entire past year I have NOT done well around babies or pregnant women. Over the past two months I finally started looking at baby stuff, since I have a little nephew that is the same age our angel would've been.

Was at target a couple weeks ago and there were 5 pregnant women in the store, 5!! One of them was so loud and going on and on about being pregnant and babies. So annoying. Honestly, I went to the pet aisle.

Glad I got out of the bitter stage and was able to come back to BnB. I took a month-long vacation to my Mom's and it really helped my depression.

Are you glad you didn't go? I don't know if I would've been able to had it been 2 months ago. Just better to not put yourself in a situation where you start feeling nasty. Hope things start to come easier for you and you get preggy soon!

 

[sarah55]

Wow so glad I found this thread!! Since my miscarriage last November I've had to watch three very good friends go through their pregnancies and births- found I was also very chirpy around them, then as soon as I got home would have a little cry and a moan about "why me!!" The worst was yesterday......my sister gave birth to her little girl. It's funny I've known for nine months and yet for the last two weeks I went on a big old emotional roller coaster about it all. It doesn't help that we don't get on that well (we fell out when she had her wedding just weeks after mine) What made it worse is that rather than dropping me a text or giving me a little call to let me know she had had the baby, they rang my husband who was away on business, so I get a voicemail telling me the news. Now I can't decide if I even want to go and see them. Were not friends and she has a knack a being patronising, absolutely no one in the family really understands how any pregnancy can still be upsetting (I was literally told my miscarriage was 'old news' by my mum!)
So for now I've sent a card congratulating them and still deciding what to do- help!!

 

[Whitbit22]

That's awful!
It's been over a year since my miscarriage and I'm still not really over it. I don't know if it's something you ever really can be over, you've lost a child just like any other child!

 

[toffeeapple81]

There is absolutely no standard way of dealing with the pregnancies of friends and family - for me (and DH) it depends on what day it is and what else has been going on. We have had a very trying time recently as people on both sides of the family have just given birth to twins, my sister has just announced she is pg and I have got a new job where all of the women are obsessed with their kids/grandkids and expect me to be the same. The question "Do you have kids?" should be banned! We have been trying for 5 1/2 years now and have seen all the specialists but DH has such low morphology that our only hope is IVF which I can't have until I am 30 and have lost 4st which makes me so frustrated that I can't think sometimes. I have only seen DH cry twice since we got married and one of those times was the other night after looking after a nephew with DH's parents for the day and I have never seen him so upset. Normally, we are cope well with others having babies left right and centre but it has been really hard recently and we are trying to keep a low profile as a result. It is really hard not to feel bitter/jealous/sad sometimes and I feel sick with myself for feeling like that about people I should be happy for but I am not perfect and sometimes it hurts so badly that it is like physical pain. The best advice is to talk to eachother as you are on the same team and to support eachother through those difficult encounters. We usually find that we felt similar emotions in these circumstances and that we are the other people in the world who truly understand eachother and that is worth more than anything else in the world.

Any way, wish me luck! It is my mum's 50th this weekend and all the nephews/nieces/cousins/bumps will be there. Oh, and my sister will be announcing her pregnancy to the whole family. Great. I think me and DH might disappear for 1/2 an hour at that point...

 

[morrighan]

It always seems to happen that when I'm at my lowest, people around me feel inclined to share their good news. Sometimes it's hard to take, especially the ones who decided to try AFTER I did, and are now expecting or moms by now. But to be honest, I figure this is my problem, not theirs. I would be just as ecstatic as they are. I can't eradicate everything bitter and small and petty in my psyche that wants to lash out about it, but I can put up a shield so they never see it, because they don't deserve to be on the receiving end of my bitterness.

My best deflection is that I've recently begun telling the people I'm closest to that we are not trying anymore right now, for various reasons. For some reason it's easier for me to listen to my mom and m-i-l try to convince me to try than to have them talk about why it's taking so long. The downside to that is that friends & family on the periphery don't even know I'm struggling, so they don't make any effort to soften the blow.

 

[sarah55]

We've done the same, as I've recently had an operation for Ashermans syndrome everyone now keeps asking when I am going to start TTC- we've said were waiting for a while and hope that they stop with the constant questions. I am off to see the consultant on Monday as he has put me back on the pill and secretly hoping I can come off them next month. We'll keep it to ourselves that we are in fact TTC.

It is strange that every woman and their dog seem to get pregnant when I can't, but the best thing I was told was that you are only given in life what you can handle- I'm guessing that I am cut out to deal with all of this and I am deep down a strong person, like everyone of you ladies are.

Toffeeapple81: wishing you the best of luck for the weekend. I haven't even entertained the idea of actually seeing my sisters baby, let alone babies and bumps and a pregnancy announcement!! I hope all goes well, I really do and no one will think any worse of you if you were to disappear- do let me know how you get on!!

Sx

It always seems to happen that when I'm at my lowest, people around me feel inclined to share their good news. Sometimes it's hard to take, especially the ones who decided to try AFTER I did, and are now expecting or moms by now. But to be honest, I figure this is my problem, not theirs. I would be just as ecstatic as they are. I can't eradicate everything bitter and small and petty in my psyche that wants to lash out about it, but I can put up a shield so they never see it, because they don't deserve to be on the receiving end of my bitterness.

My best deflection is that I've recently begun telling the people I'm closest to that we are not trying anymore right now, for various reasons. For some reason it's easier for me to listen to my mom and m-i-l try to convince me to try than to have them talk about why it's taking so long. The downside to that is that friends & family on the periphery don't even know I'm struggling, so they don't make any effort to soften the blow.

 

[Jasiellover]

Aw these stories brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for sharing ladies.