I have noticed a pattern that most people follow, though some stay in certain phases for longer than other; some linger in that 'comfort' phase at the beginning because it is easier and more exciting.
The first month. We don't really know what we are doing, we just have lots of sex and hope for the best. Most of us, in the first month, do everything wrong because we are not "veteran TTCers" and we are just going in blind. I know that I stopped having sex too soon, that I only 'did it' up until the OPK turned dark because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. So, really, I put myself out of it from the get-go. That first month I was late. Or, I thought i was late. My periods are very irregular and I was not temping, did not know what a luteal phase was so, when my cycle hit the 39, 40 day mark, I thought "40 days is 12 days past 28 days. I must be late. I must be pregnant."
Then the witch came and, I thought, oh well. Maybe next month.
I had tests. I bought tests "just in case" and kept them in my bathroom cupboard. On CD37 I took a test. It was negative. I said "Oh, maybe it's too early to test" - which is another common theme that I see all the time on the TTC section.
I think we all know our own bodies. If a negative comes up, most of us know it's negative. But, in that first cycle, in that first stage, we cling onto the hope. We cling onto the hope that the first spotting of AF might just be "implantation" (a word I hate with a vengeance, btw, becuase it's rarely implantation and I just believe that's false hope which is not healthy).
We are not so devastated by that first witch. It's the same with the second. We think, oh well, not many people get pregnant in their first couple of months, anyway.
When we get to the third cycle I think we are more vigilant. I started temping my third cycle. Again, I did it wrong but, I had a basic idea of what needed to do. In my third cycle I realised that I did not ovulate.
Then I panicked. I panicked because I did not know what was going on. I had a positive OPK - but my temp remained a steady 36.2 for the entire month. I read up on it. I thought "thyroid problem" - because, when we don't get pregnant we all become doctors, don't we?
Then I was miserable. I was miserable, thinking that all of that effort I had put in that month was for nothing. I could never get pregnant anyway. There had been no egg.
So, month four was miserable. Was miserable because 4 is almost 6 and 6 is something I never wanted to fathom. By month 4 we still succumb to the question "Have you tested yet?" because at the beginning we test for the sake of testing, don't we? We don't even wait until we are late. We are masochistic, in a way.
Except - the tests are all negative, and we only end up hurting ourselves.
By six months I think we are all just sick of TTC because 6 months is a milestone. 6 months is half a year and, the statistics say that 60% of couples are pregnant in their sixth month. So, we ask, why not me? Why not us?
We are possibly going into the resentful stage, now. We start resenting BFPs from people in their first month because we have been trying for six and, how is that fair? How is it fair that they can post OMG BFP when we cannot? The word "bitch" comes to mind all to often.
By this stage, when someone asks "Have you tested, yet?" a lot of us would be thinking "what the effing Hell is the point?" because the excitement is fading, the anticipation is gone. We no longer want to hurt ourselves and we know our bodies so well, by now, through checking signs, symptoms, through looking for indicators that we more or less know that "this is not my month!" without having to piss on a stick to tell us that.
We make an agreement with ourselves, some of us. We say, I will only test if I am late.
Some of us even stick to it...
Nine months comes in. We start thinking, if I'd got pregnant that first month I'd have a baby by now. We look at all the lucky people who started trying at the same time as us and fell straight away and they're six, seven, eight months pregnant, and we no longer feel happy for them. We feel jealous. We think to ourselves, they will have a baby, soon, and we don't even know if we can get pregnant.
We will probably have contemplated seeing a doctor, at this point. To some, it's like admitting defeat. The word 'infertility' to some causes physical pain.
I know it does me...
But, sooner or later, we stop looking for signs. We stop looking for symptoms. I don't know if I'd call it a lack of faith or just a desire not to build our hopes up but, we BD at the right times, and sometimes at the wrong times, and we hope but we don't expect.
We don't tell ourselves "this is the month" any more.
Sometimes, we get lucky.
Some of us are late. We don't want to POAS because we might as well hold onto that rare hope just that little bit longer. When we do see those red lines or that blue cross we are hit with shock.
But, isn't a nice surprise so much better than a shattering disappointment?
God I sound so negative, don't I?
I'm just tired of all of this. And, wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling shite about it.
I sadly have no words of wisdom.
. How do you girls who have been TTC for so long get through the emotional turbulence... I have never been pregnant before so dont know if I can even fall pregnant. My mom took 10 years to conceive me due to fibroids and endemetriosis and I am worried I may be the same... I know I have to wait another 6 months till I see a doc but my patience and nerves are shot. I know I ovulate cause I temp and use OPKs and we have Bded at right time for last 5 month but nothing... just needing some advice and reassurance... hope you all get your 
soon girls!!
!! Good luck hun!!
now so will see.. think will wait another 6 months then go to doc and going to take it easy this month and give ttc a break... good luck girls!!!
