How to help a friend?

[-Hug-]

Hi, sorry for invading your forum but I need your help. My friend was worried that her baby hadn't moved in a few days (she's 20 weeks) and went to the midwife but they couldn't find a heartbeat and she was going up to get seen at the hospital. A few hours later she messaged saying it wasn't good news. That's all it said, I replied not really knowing what to say. I'm so so sad for her, devastated. Suppose I'm not sure why I'm posting other than some advice on how to support her. What should I say? I want to be there but I want to give her the space she needs to grieve too. I don't want to say something daft and upset her. So sorry too to all you ladies who have already been thru this. Hugs xxx

 

[Cassie10]

What has been helpful for me is just knowing that the people I love are there for me...Most of the time they don't even need to say anything.

I think some days she will need space. I know there are some days I just don't want to talk about it or be around anyone at all. Other days the thought of being alone terrifies me and I have to be with someone who will just let me cry.

It is a little bit of a tricky situation though... Some of the smallest things would set me off. Just be there for her whenever she needs you and give her time to grieve and hopefully heal.

 

[kam78]

Hi and first off let me say, you are a (smart) thoughtful friend...she is lucky to have you

Honestly, everyone of us is very different and deal very differently...

I can give you ideas what helped/helps me and hopefully others will chime in as well with their thoughts ...

When my Emma was first taken (6 months ago) I didn't wanna see NO ONE... I had some friends that just wouldn't hear of that and intruded, just showed up, thought I needed them, that was more upsetting than anything... So, she might need space...OR she might not...

Another, Just listen to her.... truly listen to what she has to say, what she wants... and be honest with her... "I am sorry, I truly have no idea what you are feeling, or needing so I am here for you, you tell me what YOU need".... At first she probably won't know what she needs, so space will probably be best at first but soon after she will be ready to talk so just be ready to listen and love...

Sorry, for the rambling ... I am feeling horrible for you friend... Breaks my heart

Keep us posted and let us know if you need anything else

 

[glbell920]

Cassie is right it's tricky....just let her know that you are there if she needs you and give her space. She will reach out when she's ready. I know I avoided everyone for the first week. I just couldn't handle answering all the questions and having to re-live losing him again and again. Although I didn't want to talk to anyone, it was comforting to know that so many people had me in their thoughts and prayers.

After a while, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to share my baby's story so that others would know him, that he existed, and how much he means to me.

Other days it's just too much for me so I'd rather talk about anything else under the sun.

So just check with her periodically....tell her you love her and that you're thinking of her. She'll let you know when she's ready to share.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'd echo what the others have said - good on you for coming here and asking this, she is lucky to have such a thoughtful friend.

It's so sad, and a really hard one, like the others have said there will be times when she needs you to be around and times when she wants to be alone or with her OH. For ages all I wanted was some time alone to go to bed wail and cry and it kept getting robbed from me by folk turning up out of the blue. I really appreciated that they cared for me but I would have rather thay rang first and asked if I was up to seeing anyone or not.

I would say ring or text her often to let her know you are there for her and tell her not to hesitate to contact you if she wants some company or needs you for anything. You may have to be the one to make the effort for quite a while and don't be offended if she doesn't want to see you sometimes. Ask her what she needs and just really listen. Let her talk about her baby how she wants to.

There's a good sticky thread in miscarriage support called "what not to say", that will give you ideas of what's not wanted - it's so easy to fall into the trap of trying to explain away or justify the loss and it hurts like hell. It sounds like you are more sensitive than that though.

All the best, I'm so sorry for your friend's loss and I hope you can support her for the long haul, she'll be forever changed by this. xxx

 

[daopdesign]

Expect alot of tears and just make sure you are there for her and offer her a cuddle or two xxx

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her baby, she's very lucky to have you.

I completely agree with what everyone else said, so won't re-write it all.

I really appreciated peoples texts and emails, especially when they continued throughout the weeks, when most other people had forgotten about what had happened already. I could choose when to reply to these. I absolutely hated when people would just turn up at the house - I wanted to be in control of who I saw and when.

maybe you could also suggest this forum to her, when she's ready...I can honestly say that this has what has gotten me through this horrible time.

I'm not sure how close you are, or whether she has actually given birth yet, and I don't know how you would go about suggesting that she read this, but this thread might help her make some memories with her baby - she probably won't want to think about this at the time, but she would appreciate it later - I wish I had read this before it was too late..

https://www.babyandbump.com/stillbirths-neonatal-loss-sids/199243-ideas-memories-your-baby.html


xxx

 

[SarahJane]

What a wonderful friend you are. Thank you on your friends behalf for asking as this will mean a lot to her in time. I won't repeat what everyone else has said but please come here with any questions at all and we will do our best to help.

Sar xxx

 

[-Hug-]

Wow so many replies, thank you! So sorry you've all been thru this too just like my friend. Shes still in shock. Trying not to think of what's ahead of her. She's being induced on Thursday. I've been keeping touch on Facebook as like u say is less invasive and she can answer if and when she can. She was told it could have been up to 2 weeks ago her baby died. That's unbelievably heartbreaking. I think she knew in her heart a few days before that something wasnt right but was trying to tell herself she was just overreacting. Thanks for your support and advice. Hugs to all x

 

[jojo23]

so sorry for your friends loss hun... to be honest hun i felt alot of my friends stayed away cause they didnt know what to say, but a friend who was by my side saying the wrong thing is worth a million of those who stayed away and said nothing!!! just reassure her that no matter how low/angry/numb etc she feels you'll be there for her. if she wants to talk you'll listen, if she wants to cry you'll lend your shoulder, if she wants to go through everything in detail you'll nod and let her finish.

everyone reacts to this in a different way, i felt i just wanted it to be between me and my OH,a personal thing. but when my friend sent me flowers and a little statue of an angel i couldnt believe such a small thing made me feel so much better.

your a good friend to get advice like this and i hope it goes as easy as possible for her xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[-Hug-]

Just wanted to share this with you. Still no news from my friend as she was being induced today.
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

 

[mhazzab]

Just wanted to share this with you. Still no news from my friend as she was being induced today.
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

we had this poem read out at our daughters' funeral...it still makes me cry, it's so beautiful.thanks for sharing xxx

PS let us know how things go for your friend, I am thinking of her

 

[-Hug-]

She's home. She had a baby boy. She says she'll get back to me when she feels able. Feel so helpless to help her. A group of friends are putting together a gift and card and we are all writing messages. Does this sound ok?

Dear ..., no words can express how sorry I am you've had to say goodbye to your beautiful baby boy. I will always be here for whatever you need; someone to talk to, someone to pray for/with you or even to share with you in remembering (name). Praying for you always. Love, ... xxx

 

[SarahJane]

Your words are beautiful hun - perfect and great that you are acknowledging her little one xxx

 

[mhazzab]

Your words are beautiful hun - perfect and great that you are acknowledging her little one xxx

agreed xx

 

[-Hug-]

Don't feel I can share much more as its my friends story to tell if she wants to come here (I did let her know about you guys but its early days yet). Just to let you know she's told me some of what she went through and how she's feeling. She's struggling with the choices to make now about what happens next so really just a matter of supporting her in whatever she decides. Thanks so much ladies for your replies and support. You have made me feel so welcome even though I have never gone through what you have. Hugs to all of you and hope you're all doing ok x

 

[collie_crazy]

You sound like such a lovely friend and I am glad your friend has someone like you around

I hope maybe when she feels strong enough she will venture into here too. I couldn't have went without the support of these wonderful ladies - it helps, if even only in a small way to know that you are not alone in how you are thinking and feeling. Especially when those feelings are ones that others may not understand.

But to you to and please be kind to yourself because I know it can't be easy for people on the 'outside' too. A loss like this has an effect on everyone involved, like the rippling effect of a stone thrown into water - where it hits has the biggest impact but the ripples are felt by all around

 

[Hellylou]

I agree with all the ladies here. You are a lovely friend.

The only further thing I would add here is that in the very early days I got a lot of cards and texts offering condolences and support if I needed it, but then it tailed off. I think people felt that I needed to be left alone and would contact them when I felt ready. For me, that was more difficult that I anticipated, and I really appreciated it when my friends and family actually contacted me, or asked if they could come over to see me. I could always say no if I didn't feel up to it, but I think when you are in the midst of grief and you need support from a friend, it is actually hard to ask for it.

 

[-Hug-]

She says she'll probably venture over here once she feels strong enough. Still really early days. One question- she's been told there won't be anything to take home after a cremation. Were any of u told the same?

 

[mhazzab]

She says she'll probably venture over here once she feels strong enough. Still really early days. One question- she's been told there won't be anything to take home after a cremation. Were any of u told the same?

We were warned that may be the case, but actually we were surprised by how much there were. There's a thread, somewhere, maybe in the stillbirth section, where someone else posted the same question a couple months ago, it seems a lot of people are told this, but end up getting something. It would be lovely to see your friend in here when she is ready xx