How to Survive being a SAHM?

[newlywedtzh]

After months of my heart being pulled to be at home with my little one, I have decided that in five months when I am laid off, I will become a full time SAHM. My LO will be 15 months old. I can't think about all of the time I lost or how I have left her since she was only 12 weeks old (I started to work only 4 days a week when she was about 5 months old) because it will eat me alive with guilt. But I had no choice to return to work and now I have no choice except to stay until I can collect my severance package (so I can afford to stay home).

But- this is my dilemma- I am so scared I'm going to hate it and be depressed! I am a "doer". I do not like to be at home all day and boredom/loneliness is my kryptonite. I was home this past week bc my LO was sick and by the end of the week I was mentally unstimulated bored and somewhat depressed (she was also sick and cranky which was stressful) and found I was happy to return to my routine and office. But despite all this- I WANT to be with my daughter. I think this is the right choice and what my instincts tell me to do.

For any SAHMs out there- what is your day like? DO you have a routine? What are some things you do to get social interaction and get out of the house? Is it hard finding motivation when nothing is forcing you to get out of pjs?

I've become passionate about breastfeeding and plan on taking a "lactation counselor" course in the fall and hopefully join some breastfeeding groups. I also found some moms groups that plan some things. But I'm talking about the day to day... How do you keep from going stir crazy and depressed? And does this make me a bad mom for feeling this way?

(I do think that women are not naturally meant to be alone all day with their little ones- I think historically women raised the children in groups and were surrounded with adult interaction and were not constantly focused on the children- but I live in the states, and unfortunately this is not how our culture is)

 

[MindUtopia]

Would you consider doing it as a trial period and seeing how you feel about it without having to make a long-term commitment to being at home? Maybe while your severence package lasts? And then if you felt it wasn't working for you, you always had the option to go back at the end without feeling like you'd failed or given up on the idea of being a SAHM, if that makes sense.

I think you absolutely have to be happy and fulfilled and love what you do every day. If you feel happy and fulfilled and love being a SAHM, then great. But if you feel lonely and bored and depressed, it's not the right option for you or your LO. I was at home with my daughter full-time for the first year. It was a great experience and I'm so glad that I had that time with her, but I'm not someone who could cope with being a SAHM full-time, though I continue to be home part-time and work part-time (varying amounts depending on my work load). It was perfect for that first year while we got into the swing of things and got to know each other and so I could still take naps during the day when she napped after being up most of the night. But if I did it now with no plans to go back to work in the future (I work four days a week, sometimes 3, sometimes 5 depending on the week), I would be miserable and bored and not a great mummy to her because I would resent the fact I didn't get to do other things I really enjoyed during the day. That doesn't mean I don't love being with her and love the time off during the week that I do have to spend time one-on-one with her. But I just wouldn't be happy with that as a full-time, that's all I do and nothing else, lifestyle. And I think that's okay. But I'm glad I had a chance to do it full-time and try it and I have no guilt now about working because I know it's the right choice for me.

But, yes, try to fill your days. Be out at activities, do things, don't sit at home. The days we're home together, I pack lunches and we're out the door by 10am and not usually back before 4pm. We go to classes and groups. We go on walks. We go to the playground. We go have picnics on the beach. We run errands. We meet friends for coffee. Being out and active and doing things really makes it doable for me. I'm not really a sit at home, stay inside, do some craft project kind of person. We have to be out, doing things and seeing people. We don't have a set routine or set things we do on given days anymore (we used to do certain classes but not anymore), but I just try to be out doing something.

But at the same time, be kind and gentle with yourself, and be okay with it not being the right thing for you if it turns out it isn't. If you find you are lonely and depressed and feeling bored, even when you try to do lots of fun things and be out doing activities and meeting friends, etc. leave yourself some flexibility so that you can go back into work (the lactation consultant thing is a great idea), even part-time, without it feeling like you couldn't hack it or failed to get the SAHM thing right. You're exactly right that our culture isn't set up to support mothering and mothers and if you don't feel like you love being a SAHM, because it's really hard and it is really hard (I think way harder than working!), then that's perfectly okay.

 

[Stellae]

It really is hard being a SAHM, especially if you're a doer. The fact LO is 15 months will make it easier for you than if you stayed home when she was a baby because she's mobile, so you can go out and do more activities. You really do have to find ways to get yourself out of the house, and it's ESPECIALLY important to find ways to interact with other adults! I was like a little puppy when my husband came home at night because I'd missed the adult interaction all day!

Don't beat yourself up if it isn't for you, either- if you're a crankier, less happy person while staying at home and start to dread being home with her all day, it's ruining the whole idea behind staying at home! I went back to work last September, and even though my job is quite fast-paced and demanding I'm a better mom for it!

 

[newlywedtzh]

Thanks guys- Well, what really started to scare me was... when i was home with her last week (again- she WAS sick and cranky) I realized I lost my patience a lot more, was irritated more easily compared to when I work- I can't wait to see her, am much more patient and fully enjoy our time together.

I know that I will beat myself up if it doesn't make me happy.. because I feel like as a mother, how does being with my child not make me happy? I can't get around that thought. I believe and practice the attachment parenting mindset and believe in a more biological, "natural" parenting method... so my head and instincts tell me being with her full time is the right thing to do.. ugh, so many thoughts...

I would love to find something part time that I could maybe bring her too.. but I feel this is just chasing a mythical dream that doesn't exist

 

[EcoMama]

I'm a sahm and I do enjoy being home with dd, and being able to drop & pick ds up from school.

I never meant to have a routine but I've found that in the morning we tend to do social clubs/walks etc with dd. then in the afternoon dd has a nap and I'll do some jobs usually around the house. Some days we'll be out all day either doing odd jobs and meeting people or we'll take the dog for a good 4-5ish hr walk and we'll carry lunch and dd will sleep in the backpack.

I'm not very good at doing inhouse stuff with dd like crafts or baking. We tend to do that sort of stuff when ds is home after school.
I can mever spend the whole day in the house and the earlier I'm out the better, for my sanity!
I do get impatient with dd, esp when I need to cook or wash dishes and she's wanting me constantly, this is where the ergo comes in handy

 

[misspriss]

Subbing to post later when not on phone, I was in such the same situation

 

[misspriss]

I am really happy and fulfilled being a SAHM. I dreamed of being able to do it. I went from working full time, to working full time from home, to working part time, to being a SAHM. I was like you, I felt extreme guilt working full time for almost all DS's first two years (I swore I would be at home by 18 months and wasn't). So he was pretty much raised by MIL for the first two years.

I didn't get to be a SAHM until a high risk pregnancy forced me home shortly before DD was born. It would have been easier if I had started with one child and learned "how" to be a SAHM that way. It's like a job, you need training and an adjustment period. But I digress.

There is definitely an adjustment period. One week back? Crazy. It probably took me 2-3 months to adjust to being happy as a SAHM. Granted, I have my MIL over almost every day for at least my toddlers naptime, to help manage my newborn while I put my older son down for a nap. It's not necessary, but it's a nice luxury. I have interaction then every day.

TBH, I don't get out much I see a support group for breastfeeding moms every 2 weeks, and church on Sundays. That is about it right now. It's freaking hot right now, if you don't get out in the AM it is unbearable here. Heat advisories all day long...it's just too much with a 7 week old baby. If we were just me and the older one, I'd probably get out a lot of days. But I didn't have a chance to be a SAHM to just one, so DS is having to suffer through DD's early days - spending a lot of days indoors and not going out much.

It helps to have somewhat of a routine, right now ours revolves around me learning to keep the house and also avoiding the heat. Our entire schedule revolves around minimizing the heat buildup in the house, ie not running the oven, dishwasher, or dryer during the hotter portion of the day. Jumping up to do laundry early or late in the day, etc. Getting outdoor play in early in the morning.

I am working really hard on getting a schedule we can do more and still stay on top of stuff, but it's hard. I'm waiting patiently for cooler weather so we can do more! Go to the park in the afternoon and stuff. It is hard for DD to be outside she gets hot so quickly and is EBF and doesn't take a bottle so we can't do things without her.

 

[Rhio92]

Following, I'm also going to be a SAHM, until Christmas at least.

 

[newlywedtzh]

Thanks MIss priss- it's reassuring that you were able to adjust and feel fulfilled! I'm going to give myself 3 months to adjust and if I am miserable and not my best self for her I think I will find something a couple days a week- but i really really do not want to work full time again- it is way too much time away for me

 

[misspriss]

Thanks MIss priss- it's reassuring that you were able to adjust and feel fulfilled! I'm going to give myself 3 months to adjust and if I am miserable and not my best self for her I think I will find something a couple days a week- but i really really do not want to work full time again- it is way too much time away for me

I agree, if I ever did work again it would be PT for sure. It was tough though my dream job just opened up, but they want 32 hrs a week and I can't do that. It is so tough ever thinking about being away from them. But in a few years, they will be in school there is an option to work at least PT then, they are only small for a little while.

 

[minties]

I'm usually too busy to feel depressed, but I have always been a home-body. I feel so lucky.

My kids are older now so it's probably a lot easier, but for my brain I do tutorials on youtube. I've done microsoft excel, some c++ programming, made games in Game Maker Studio (also involves code). I also garden and sew, lift weights and like drawing.

I was single when my son was 8-18 months and found that going out a lot helped with frustrations. We did a lot of walking and exploring.

 

[wildflower79]

I'd say definitely try to get out the house each day. I go a bit mad if we have been stuck in for whatever reason.

We don't really have a set routine, but generally use mornings to give the dogs a good walk.

We had an annual sea life pass and used that quite often, even if it was just for half an hour.

We go to groups - it's entertaining for lo and nice to have other adults to talk to. The library does a free story time.

We play in the garden a lot when the weathers decent.

Visit family/friends.

Lo likes taking lunch to the park and having a picnic.

I don't really get a lot of housework done during the day. Lo stopped napping at around 18months. Main priorities are getting the dogs walked and keeping up with the washing. Anything else is a bonus.

Involve lo with chores. My lg will enjoy helping me do gardening and making dinner and baking. She sometimes helps clean the bathroom and the windows too.

If I feel like she's getting too hyper or I need a break for a few mins I put the tv on or let her play on the tablet for a bit.

I try to get lo to bed at a decent time on an evening, so I can get some chores done or just have some me time.

Try and get some me time! Hubby will sometimes take lo out on a weekend or my Mum will have her for a couple of hours. It really does make a difference.

 

[Button#]

I've tracked down every playgroup in my area and I have something for nearly everyday. I also stick to a routine which has been a life saver since DD came along as I've been able to keep going with the two of them. I've made a fair few mummy friends who keep me sane and we go to each other's houses and help each other out. I'm having a friend and her toddlers round next week to do some baking. When it was just DS and me I would have little projects on the go for during his nap.

 

[Mushymilkfor2]

Being a sahm is the best and hardest thing I've ever done. It's super important to get out, even if it's just to the grocery store and you take longer than normal. Every Tuesday I go out with the women on my husband's side. We go shopping, walking around the mall, have lunch and just get out. We have kids with us, but they're also distracted and there's extra hands everywhere when I need it. Just the adult social interaction is awesome.

Just enjoy it as best you can. There will be good days and bad days. Or bad weeks! We're just getting over a severe case of separation anxiety that went on for weeks. I couldn't even turn away from him without a melt down. But for the most part it's passed and it's enjoyable again.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

Well I chose to FF from birth, but so far feeding experiences hasn't come up much in conversation with other moms, lol.

We have free playgroups every day of the week right down the street at the YMCA, so it gives DD a chance to run around, while I can sit back and read or run around, depending on my mood. I do some crowdsourcing work from home during downtime, so I can still feel mentally engaged and earning some money (I usually bring home $400-500 a month from academic surveys and receipt processing for Ibotta).

I can honestly say I'm never bored. I'm also rarely stressed, which was my biggest problem with my corporate job. Now I can just enjoy my child and follow her schedule. My husband hates the idea of her going into daycare, so lucky for me we can afford for me to be a SAHM for all of our kids! (which is what I prefer as well)

The key I think is to stay busy, and find things to do around you, as well as things for yourself (whether it's working from home, exercising, crafts, etc).

 

[newlywedtzh]

These are all great replies! Thanks so much! Funny you mentioned the YMCA- I was just looking into their brochure. It's a little expensive to be a member ($100/month) but they have SO much to do there for kids/moms and a lot of mommy and me classes too. I also did find some mommy groups.

I think from what I'm getting from everyone is to get out of the house at least once a day or a couple times a week at minimum and find some mommy groups for adult interaction.

I think I can definitely make this work.

 

[Tigerlily01]

I'm currently a SAHM to an 11 month old, and honestly I'm not really the type either. It's been an adjustment since I really miss the mental stimulation of my job. That being said, I've gotten used to it and actually enjoy it now, though I do still miss intellectual adult interaction...I make up for it by having our childless friends over in the evenings when LO is in bed. Friends with kids are great for play dates, but keep your childless friends too, they are more flexible and can come to you! I also get involved with professional societies on weekends/evenings sometimes.

What I find helps is to do whatever it is I'd do on a weekend or vacation, and just bring my son along for the ride, and try to involve him as much as possible. Definitely get out of the house, and on days you can't, plan some activities that interest YOU that you can share...your LO will be interested if you are. Nothing says you have to spend all day finger-painting...if you play the guitar, or cook, or exercise, or build robotic vehicles, or whatever, let your kids participate at their level.

I also use an hourly childcare for one half-day per week, which I highly recommend if you can afford it. It gives you some time to get adult stuff done, or just have a break. Gyms with childcare are good too, you can get in a workout or a class, meet some people, or even just read your book in the lobby if you need a break, lol.

I really don't enjoy baby/toddler classes or parent groups, they just aren't my thing, but that's just me, some people love them. Maybe give a few a shot and see what you think?

 

[belle254]

I'm at home with my 2 yo ds and 3 yo dd. My eldest goes to preschool 9 hours a week and my youngest will start soon too if he likes it. That gives us some structure to our week but we also have set mealtimes every day and wake up/bedtimes. If you have a busy morning with friends or at baby group we have a quiet afternoon in.
I'm an ex nursery nurse so don't know if it's in my nature or I just like schedules but I always try and have activities to do if were home, whether it's baking, a new video to watch together or dressing up/art/den making. If I plan things before hand it makes me feel a lot more organised. going out for a walk also helps everyone let of steam, whatever the weather xxx