How to tell an unsupportive parent?

[ser523]

Ok, so DH and I have been waiting to tell our family we're pregnant until after our first prenatal appointment (due to two mc's last year). And our appointment is Monday, so family telling time is approaching. I have cute ideas for almost everyone - his parents, my sister, my two close friends. I've actually been bursting to tell lately!

My dilemma, though, is my mom. She's made numerous comments in the past about how we should wait to have kids, it's too early, I should have a job for like three years before we have kids.

I mean logically, it's fine that we're pregnant now. It's a little ahead of our original life schedule, as we had originally planned to start trying in May and into the summer. And yes, it would be great if I had a full time job and that income security, but DH has a decent paying job and who knows when I'll finally be able to get a full time teaching gig again (I had a teaching job, but had to leave when we got married and I moved three states away to be with DH). And I had a health scare earlier this year with an abnormal pap and precancerous cells on my cervix. I ended up having a procedure to sort it out, but it made me very aware of wanting get started on our family. (She doesn't know this last bit though, as I didn't tell her)

Anyway, I don't know how to go about telling my mom. I mean I know she loves me and wants the best, but things never really come out that way. (Honestly, she's pretty verbally abusive) I could go on and on about her life circumstances that have made her this way, but I won't here. So she's 4 hours away, which sort of eliminates the idea of an in person announcement. And I don't know how well a surprise gift (like I have for my sister - I'm going to mail her a cup that says "only the best sisters get promoted to aunt") would go over. But, I also don't know how to just drop that on the phone. One, because what do you say, "oh, by the way, we're pregnant"? And two, she tends to immediately start talking about herself and her problems whenever I call her.

Do any of you have/expect less than supportive reactions from family/people in your life? How did you/do you plan to tell them the news? How did they react?

 

[KatO79]

So sorry about your mother, I know what that's like. I highly suspect my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (she's been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life). She's very selfish and her needs and wants always come first. Unfortunately I know my mother doesn't love me due to this disorder, she's unable to have empathy and can't love anyone. Many people that have this disorder come from abusive homes, I know my mother may have had a narcissistic mother herself. I'm the scapegoat of my toxic older siblings (partially also the result of my mother poisoning 1 of them against me) and have been at this point ostracised because they refuse to treat me with a minimum amount of respect and courtesy. Is it possible your mother suffers from something similiar because she sounds exactly like my mother? Unfortunately not all mothers are loving and want the best for their children - some are just controlling and toxic.

Anyway what ended up happening was that she called DH the day after I'd been to my beta (after IVF #2) and he just told her. We ended up going over to her house afterwards and she completely ignored it, no congratulations or anything. She even said something with "... when you get pregnant" and when DH told her I was, she completely ignored it. Only after having talked to my MIL did she suddenly acknowledge it but she isn't very excited about the actual baby, more about all the stuff she can knit for the baby so she can garner attention and praise for herself. Unfortunately I was fully prepared for her poor reaction and behavior so it wasn't very hurtful as I've also emotionally detached from her to preserve my emotional and mental health. Luckily DH and I are moving away from her so my child will be exposed way less to her toxic behavior.

I think you should just tell her however you feel is right and be prepared for her to not be happy or excited for you - you may otherwise end up severely disappointed and hurt. If she's like mine, she's not capable of being happy for you and will maybe even try to destroy the moment for you in one way or another. For happy reactions you may want to look towards your in-law family, I know I've enjoyed my in-laws happiness and support (we're telling the rest of DH's family next weekend after my 13 week scan). I wish you the best and hope you have a H&H 9 months

 

[Laurenmomma]

Iv never had good reactions with all 3 of mine- 1st was oh it's too soon you havnt been together long it won't last, 2nd was on but you only just had a baby how will you cope and you arnt even working, 3rd I was told was ectopic and I needed to abort, only I went for 2nd opinion and he's now 2! That one I got 'oh no!' That made me not want to tell anyone else and I didn't until I was 33 weeks so I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy!

It's made me super anxious to tell this time too!

My advice is things happen for a reason! I'm still with my partner, the one they said wouldn't last and we wouldn't be able to cope!

I found my dream career after years of training then quickly realised kids have to come first! Money isn't worth it in the end of its a family you want!

 

[pacificlove]

Sorry to hear about your mom.. While my mom was never abusive she did always point out that "we have time" and that "the job is important" "keep working" etc in the end I broke down as I wanted to share the news with her and her only. (I told her at not quite 7 weeks and everyone else will have to wait another 3-4 weeks). I needed someone I could talk to beside hubby. I was so nervous about her reaction.. In the end I got so many happy tears and hugs that I still can't believe how she reacted!!

Your mom may surprise you, but be prepared for a reaction that may not be perfect...

 

[Pippylu]

The great thing is that you can decide how much importance to place on her opinion! It sounds like you will get a very warm reaction from other family and friends, that's what I would focus on and set your expectations of your mothers reaction low...you could end up pleasantly surprised and if not, there's no disappointment.

 

[ser523]

Thanks for the replies, ladies. Honestly, I think she'll come around, but it's her initial reaction I'm apprehensive about. And the method of telling her, though I suppose it will have to be over the phone.

Kat, thanks for the support! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. I do think my mother can be toxic sometimes, but we have a mixed bag when it comes to our relationship. I mean, she raised three of us all on her own and so she's all I've got along with my two siblings. She definitely sacrificed a lot for all of us. That being said, now I'm older and I've gotten (a little) better at drawing the line. Sometimes she does have some bipolar like behaviors, tbh. But after doing some reading, I think it's possible my mom might have Aspergers. I mean she's not diagnosed or anything, but a lot of things fit. And then I moved out when I got married, and live so far away, so she's really lonely and is having a tough time t her job. None of that is an excuse, but I think she's sad and it makes her lash out. All in all, she'll always be my mom and I'll always love her. Hopefully, I'm over worrying myself about her reaction. I mean, I expected a poor reaction when I called to tell her DH and I were engaged, and she was fine. So here's hoping!

 

[jessmke]

I've not been in your situation, but if I were I would be very excited and happy when telling her, as opposed to sounding nervous and apologetic. If you are happy then it will be harder for her to rain on your parade. I would also try to somehow invite her to be included in the pregnancy, maybe invite her to a san. For me it would go something like this: "Hi Mom, I have some great news! I'm pregnant! We had our scan and everything looks really healthy with the baby and we are super excited! I would love it if you could come and be with us for our 20 weeks scan so you can see your grandchild! We've started thinking about baby names, OH is really hoping for a boy but I think I would be happy with either a boy or a girl. etc, etc, etc". Basically I'd just keep talking about all the things you are excited about and not give her an opportunity to say anything until you've gotten it all out. If you seem apologetic ("Hi Mom, I have something I need to tell you, [long pause], I'm pregnant.") then you open the door for her to lecture you or be negative. Just my two cents!

 

[KatO79]

Kat, thanks for the support! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. I do think my mother can be toxic sometimes, but we have a mixed bag when it comes to our relationship. I mean, she raised three of us all on her own and so she's all I've got along with my two siblings. She definitely sacrificed a lot for all of us. That being said, now I'm older and I've gotten (a little) better at drawing the line. Sometimes she does have some bipolar like behaviors, tbh. But after doing some reading, I think it's possible my mom might have Aspergers. I mean she's not diagnosed or anything, but a lot of things fit. And then I moved out when I got married, and live so far away, so she's really lonely and is having a tough time t her job. None of that is an excuse, but I think she's sad and it makes her lash out. All in all, she'll always be my mom and I'll always love her. Hopefully, I'm over worrying myself about her reaction. I mean, I expected a poor reaction when I called to tell her DH and I were engaged, and she was fine. So here's hoping!

Oh my mother isn't constantly toxic, toxic people normally aren't nasty all the time, then they would lose their "audience" quicker. It's normal for them to mix some niceness in it, unfortunately a lot of the nice things they do they see as an IOU that they can cash in from you later. At least when it comes to people with NPD.

I'd say that family doesn't mean they have free license to abuse you - you need to be able to set boundaries. In worst case scenario, it can be necessary to walk away. I've reached that point with my siblings, they refuse to treat me with respect and are almost constantly passive-aggressive or putting me down. I refuse to put up with that behavior, despite the fact we're genetically related. I tried for so many years and it's no use so to preserve my emotional and mental health, I'm walking away.

No you're right, all that isn't an excuse for her to be nasty to you and you should really set boundaries for her behavior. Otherwise what are you going to teach your child, abusive behavior is ok as long as it comes from family?

I will say this, mothers with NPD are often fairly happy about weddings as they can often garner some attention for themselves. A baby is another matter as they know you'll be focusing all your attention and care on the baby which will take away from the care they expect to get from you, especially as they get closer to old age.

Funny thing is my mother has always said she thinks she has Aspergers but she fits much more into NPD. People with NPD have no insight into themselves. I believe people with Aspergers don't have evil intent with what they say, toxics/NPDs definitely have an evil agenda! I tried writing a letter to my mother about all the extremly hurtful and abusive things she's done. I then didn't hear from her for 6 months, then she suddenly called and convinced me and DH to come over. She tried to avoid talking about it and when I insisted she denied everything, said she "doesn't remember any of it" (even super rememberable stuff) and then started crying and talking about poor her and her childhood. No empathy or remorse for all she did and said to me or how much damage she's caused to me. True to NPD, she avoids accountability.

 

[5Miracles]

I wish you the VERY best when it comes to telling your mom! As others have said, definitely go in with a positive attitude, just keep yourself geared up for a letdown...if she is positive too, then you'll get a nice surprise and if she's negative, you'll emotionally be better prepared...notice I said "better" prepared not fully prepared, because let's face it---this type stuff hurts!

We dreaded telling DH's parents when we got pregnant with #2...his parents honestly shouldn't have had kids at all---I LOVE my DH with all my heart!--but what I am saying is his parents are all about them, them and them---and before we even had kids, they tried to talk us out of having any, and if we did, according to them 'we only need 1 kid'. They completely talked DH's youngest sibling out of having any at all. When we finally did tell his parents, his dad took him aside and asked if the pregnancy was "planned or not"--no joke.

Nope FIL---we've been married 8 years and still love each other---I just happened to get your son drunk so I could take advantage of him to get a 2nd baby...grrrr.

There will definitely be those who are thrilled for you...take those words to heart and nothing else

 

[KatO79]

We dreaded telling DH's parents when we got pregnant with #2...his parents honestly shouldn't have had kids at all---I LOVE my DH with all my heart!--but what I am saying is his parents are all about them, them and them---and before we even had kids, they tried to talk us out of having any, and if we did, according to them 'we only need 1 kid'. They completely talked DH's youngest sibling out of having any at all.

Wow yeah they sound a lot like my toxic mother whom I highly suspect has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She tried to tell me for years to not have kids and when DH and I started TTCing, she kept trying to talk us out of it. She'd tell us that kids aren't the effort you put into them and if she could live her life over again, she wouldn't have any kids. Could your DH's parents have the same disorder?

 

[Jessicahide]

I expected my mother to have something to say about number 5 popping along.... but she didn't, she was so happy she cried..... ( but she is only happy because she wants a granddaughter )

 

[Enasy]

i told my inlaws in person, they literally just said "congratulations" then changed the subject. they are a few hours away so after the first scan i sent them a copy of the scan picture to there mobile phone that was a week ago and not heard from them at all. i just try to think its there loss not mine