How/when to tell the father???

[wlovew]

Hi ladies,
First off let me state that I am 32, financially independent and stable, living alone in a 2-bedroom apartment and very happy with where my life is going!! That being said, I am now 7+2 and I have yet to tell the baby's father (39, not so stable) that I'm expecting... It's a really long, complicated story but to keep it as brief as I can: He's an ex boyfriend, on and off for the last 12+ years. I've been pregnant by him before about 7 years ago and it was a terrible experience. I wanted to keep it, he was dead against it and eventually conned me into terminating promising that we will "get married and do it right". He broke up with me a week after I had the abortion. Can't explain why I ever got back with him after that, I don't even know. Insanity, expecting things to change?? Anyway, we've been broken up for over 2 years now and started sleeping together here and there in September last year. In December I found out I was pregnant after the condom came off inside me and Plan-B failed. I haven't spoken to him since December 29, when he gave me a ride home from the airport after my holiday trip with my family. I found out I was pregnant December 30. I know he won't be supportive, he will sh!t his pants and flip out on me and be a f*cking jerk just like he was last time. I really don't want to hear it. I'm having this baby. I'm happy to have a baby. I just really don't know when or how to even tell him. I want to wait until I'm 14 weeks, when I go find the sex of the baby at a 3D ultrasound I scheduled. Thinking maybe I should never tell him, or say it's not his. I really don't even know. Sometimes I want to tell him NOW because I'm so sick and miserable and some stupid part of me thinks *maybe* he will go to the store for me when I need stuff lol Fat chance. Anyway, sorry this is off topic. I do have MISERABLE nausea for the last almost 2 weeks. Tired. Getting fatter from laying on my ass for the last 2 weeks sick. Blah! Having an ultrasound tomorrow and I can't wait to see how much the little blueberry has grown in the last 6 days!!

 

[YikesBaby]

Wow hun, I don't know what to say... other than I am an only child. Dad wasn't in the picture for whatever reason... and I had a great upbringing. People have always asked why I don't even know my dad's name and I always say the same thing, "I am perfectly happy with one great mom, versus two unhappy parents." Whatever you choose, you will do great for your babe!

 

[wlovew]

THANK YOU!! I want to do the right thing...just not completely sure what that is at this point lol Staying sane is the most important thing right now!!!!

 

[lian_83]

I'm so sorry. I can understand how u feel, cause I was almost in a similar situation before. If it were me, I will not tell him anymore, or I'll wait until it's already in the 3rd trimester. What if he forces u to have an abortion again? Trick u or worse, what if he intentionally hurt u so u will miscarry?

 

[wlovew]

Right....he can't force me into anything this time. We aren't together and we don't live together and he has absolutely no worth in my life anymore, especially with how he can just drop me like he does! It's MY fault we always got back together. If I never contacted him again I'd never hear from him again and this recent event is PROOF. He's a piece of SHIT and I can't wait to get past the first trimester and find out what I'm having. I'll tell him and I'll inform him that he's not going on the birth certificate. I don't need a dime from this man. He's so happy his daughter is almost 18 because he'll finally be free from that burden. F him!!!!

 

[bundle4me]

I'd think about it very carefully before u decide. I'm going thru a horrible battle with ds father and i think my son is better off without him as he's a disgusting person and was violent towards me but I know he has rights so I have no choice in the matter and I'm so scared for my son.
That being said its not the same situation as yours but please just think carefully as he will be in your life forever x

 

[Scout]

I would think about what you want and what you think will be best for baby. Do you think he'll want to be involved, or will he want to use the baby to get at you? Do you think he'll say he wants to be involved, or will he make promises to the child he never keeps? Do you think he'll just disappear?

I was in a similar situation with daughter. I spoke with a child/family therapist who told me that no contact with the dad is better than promises that never or only occasionally happen. Of course, a man who wants to be a dad and can be responsible is best, but we don't always get that. If you think he'll be an ass and try to use the child or constantly disappoint the child, then don't tell him. If you think he could be a good dad, then tell him once you know the gender of the baby and maybe knowing what it is will make it more real to him. Good luck. I know from experience how hard this is.

 

[TTC First]

Personally I would tell him now and here is why.

I feel it's better that he at last knows so that he can make his own decision. Does he want to be in the babies life or not? If you don't tell him than he can hold that against you saying that he lost out on being with his child. If he decides that he does not want a child then so be it and get lost because you want the child and you are having it. If he pressures you to give it up then cut him off. But you are cutting him off for his behaviour and not for behaviour that you think he may express. If he wants to be in the babies life then great, you get help.

I would not want to tell my child that I was responsible for their father not being in their life. If dad chose not to be in the child's life then he can be responsible for that. As a child I would want to know that my dad was not in my life because he chose to as opposed to my mom prevented it by not telling him about me. I would blame my mom for that one thinking that there was a possibility that my dad could have changed his mind (even if my mom says it is not likely).

But you have to do what is best for you and your baby.

 

[spunky84]

Both Scout and TTC First both have very excellent points.

I think that whatever you decide to do, think it through. Is there someone you can talk to about this such as child/family therapist as Scout had done?

I know you said that you will not allow him to coerce you with this one, but I do wonder how difficult he will make things for you. I think that whatever you decide, make the decision based on what is best for you and LO (which sounds like you're trying to do!).

 

[Scout]

I would like to add, after reading TTC First, that she is right in that I feel so much better knowing that I did let the father decide. I also kept all our email communication so she can see for herself (if she ever chooses to know) that we both loved and wanted her but he just wasn't ready for the responsibility.

In your situation though, you know the man and I'm sure you'll make the best decision for your little one.

 

[wlovew]

I will tell him, but I need to wait until I'm out of the "danger zone" of the first trimester. I'm already IMMENSELY stressed out with the poor health of my father, I can't take any additional shit. And he would be horrible. I already know it. He's not fit to be a father, he's too selfish and self-absorbed. Sure, when I do tell him I'm sure he will insist on being in the child's life, but if he could pay me off to say it wasn't his I KNOW he would.