Hows your relatioship after loss?

[stephanie1990]

Hi everyone.

I lost my baby in march of this year. It killed me and my partner. we were so strong as a couple before it happened but since it happened i feel like we are slipping away from one another.
He starts arguments about everything from as little as whats for dinner. He was never like it before. I have asked him to open up to me and he has. he has let his feelings out. we both have. we have both cried to one another and let it all out.
I dont get why he is doing this. i dont know what to do. i want our family more then anything and i know he does too. but why does he keep treating me like this. everytime he causes a stupid argument, i get really upset. i cry all the time. he just sits there laughing at me. he was never like this before. he was my protecter and know he is the one causing me harm. he keeps saying to me that once we have our family, his stupidness will stop. im so sad. i cry everyday. im sick of arguments. im sick of my life. i want my partner and baby back. why does life have to be so unfair.

im sorry for ranting guys.

 

[xxxjessxxx]

I could've written that thread
I know how you feel hunny, OH is the same with me right now. Being really insensitive, arguing constantly, and generally being very unfair.
Some days he's lovelyand we're how we used to be, but give it a day and we're at eachothers necks again.
I cry all the time too. He used to hug me and comfort me. Now? He says he can't deal with it, and goes to walk away Which makes the pain all the more worse.
MC has definitely a huge impact on a relationship.
OH is at work today, and all I've done so far is just cry to myself. I feel alone.
Like you, I wish we could go back to how it was
x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

Thanks for the reply.

My oh is the same. one day he is so kind, so loving and so sweet, the next day he is horrid and mean and very nasty.

i dont think people that have been through a loss understand what it is like.

my mom went through 2 losses before she had me and my sister and she is the strongest person on the planet. I have got the strength inside me to try again for another baby but my oh is making is so difficult. love and happiness created our first baby. sadness and arguments wont make another.

i cry too all the time. my oh is at work now too. im sitting here and have already cried for the last half an hour. we need to be strong.

hold our heads up high. There must be lots of people going through what were going through. were all in this together. xxx

 

[xxxjessxxx]

It's just a head trip isn't it?
When they can be sooo caring, and then suddenly it's like we stand on a twig and it suddenly snaps! Then they're horrible again. It's like THEY'RE the one's who are hormonal!
But they just dont see what they do
I really can't stop crying either. Ohh how I could just go to the beach right now and just SCREAM and cry.
I agree that people don't understand what it's like if they haven't been through it, my friend said the other day, I know how it feels to lose a baby so you can always come and talk to me. (she's never had a miscarriage, she had an abortion and chose that!) God that really wound me up lol!
How long does your OH work for?
Yeah it's just so darn hard!! x x x

 

[mummy.love]

i've just joined and came across your thread.

we have just lost our daughter in may after a few weeks in the nicu. i know that you know how i'm feeling, we've experienced it but sometimes it's hard for the right words to come together. since then we've become alot closer emotionally, and other times we just can't stand to be in each others presence. the journey afterwards has been so up and so down .... your situation is almost like mine was too. i know that for us that after everything had been said and spoken about, we were just two wrecked and broken people. we were both hurting so much that neither of us could console one another and as days/weeks went on the cracks grew deeper and deeper within our relationship. the pressures of life started tearing us apart before we even knew it. last month i found myself telling him i was going to leave, and i think that was his wake up call and mine also. since then we have started healing our relationship together. my hubby is really my only support and we are there for each other again.

you and your guy obviously had a strong love and bond for each other, and deep down it is still there. after such a tragedy, healing the relationship is probably the most hardest and toughest challenges as both of you are hurting and showing it in different ways. i'm so sorry i don't have the right answers or any good advice i think i've babbled more than anything, but really, take care of yourself. look after yourself and love yourself. xo

 

[xxxjessxxx]

mummy.love: Sorry for your loss
Your words sounds very wise Me and my OH are getting close to breaking up. While other days we're solid stone.
How do you mend your relationship though? Is there anything you'd advise in specific? x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

to mummy love, thank you for your kind words, i agree with jess, your words are very wise.

Im sorry for your loss. its truly the most horrible thing to ever go through and i wish you the very best of luck in the future.

me and partner have times where we open up to each and get all the feelings out to a point where i feel like we are making progress and then the next day we have a good day etc but then just out the blue the next day is like hell with little arguments being made into world war 3 and for no reason.

to jess, my oh leaves the house at half 6 in the morning and doesnt get back home till half 8 at night. he works down south and im here in the midlands. its extremly lonely esp when the crying starts and i totally agree, i think men are the ones with the horemones

i dont have anyone that i can talk too since all my friends have children. my best friend just gave birth to her 2nd daughter and its always baby talk when i see her. and obvs that makes me more sad. its a tough world but there is some comfort in knowing that other people feel the same way xxx

 

[xxxjessxxx]

That's exactly the same with us!!! We pour our hearts out, tears and all, and I feel so close and reassured that everything will be fine. But like you say, a little petty arguement comes along and yes! it is like world war 3!!
I feel for you!! Gosh we're quite similar lol!
My OH leaves at 6am and gets back at 7:30pm - how do you find the hours? I hate them! Like you say, when you need them they're not here, do you feel like when they come back you can't say how your feeling because they've just got back from work, they're stressed and you know it'll bring an arguement if you do talk about how you feel. SO you keep it in and pretend? That's how it is with me, then I feel all the more sh**ter the next day when he's back at work
I can't talk to anyone else either, my family aren't supportive, my friends have work and stuff, and my friend who doesn't work had her baby 6 months ago, and it gets quite depressing, especially because she keeps having pregnancy scares, and she says if she's pregnant she'll get rid of it!
Today OH has been reasonably pleasant through texts. I told him I've had enough, so he's trying to go through everything with me to try and make me feel better I guess. Atleast he's trying ey!
Does your OH work weekdays? x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

omg we are so alike!! lol

i have no idea how to pass the hours, because tbh if i was doing something, i probably wouldnt be so bad. but just sitting here really makes me sad and straight away i think of depressing thoughts. im just like you. i keep my feelings to myself because i know straight away, if i brought them up when he got back from work, then it would be hell with the arguments.my oh works all week, sometimes he has a wednesday off but thats it, so we dont really spend alot time with each other. i think iv lost count on how many times iv slept on the sofa just to get away from him because you want your partner to support you and a little hug now and again would make a difference yet they cant even do that.

last night my oh was lying on the sofa and i could see tears in his eyes. our baby would of been due end of october/start of novemeber and he turned round to me and said, " we would of been buying all the things now wouldnt we" and straight after he said that, i could see the tears, i asked him to talk to me, but he wouldnt, he then said to me that he wasnt thinking anything and that he was ok and got up like everything was fine.

its so hard because we are trying again, but i do think that with all the negative feelings, a bfp is a long way away

xxx

 

[xxxjessxxx]

We are!!
Same here! I never know what to do - i'm trying to get a job because I think it may help, but I'm also very insecure about everything too :/ Are you looking to get a job then?
Sorry to hear you don't get much time together That must be soo hard hunny!
I say that to him too! Why can't he hug me? Like, when cry, I tell him if he hugs me, it'll help - then we'll talk. But he doesn't he just leaves me to cry He says I cry to much but that then gets me crying too!
Aww hunny that's so sweet, yet it must be soo hard knowing he won't fully open up! He must think about it a lot too. Gosh why do men make it so hard for us!! Have you tried to see if he'd write it to you - or if you can write to eachother instead? Sometimes that can help
I feel like that too. You can't bring a baby into an unhappy home, yet it's hard to put it on hold when you want it so much.
If you don't mind me asking, how far we're you when you miscarried? x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

well i quit my job when i lost the baby, it hit me really hard. tbh i didnt think it would of hit me so hard. i couldnt even get up in the morning so i just quit my job, being stupid i suppose as i really did love my job which i quess is rare. i do want another job, im just like you, i think it will distract me and hopefully make me not think of bad things but then i dont know how i would feel working at the moment because my emotions are all over the place.

my oh also says that i cry to much. and its so true, you do end up crying more when they say that to you. why do they have to be so mean

i do know that he thinks about it alot , i can just tell, like for example if clearblue come on the tv, something silly like that, his face changes because when i found out i was pregnant, i made him run to the shop and buy a dozen of clearblue, so the memorys are always brought up even from something so small.

i was 6 and half weeks when i miscarried.

xxx

 

[xxxjessxxx]

I understand hunny
What was your job? Yeah, it'll be a huge step to make, but I know it needs to be done. Especially when I have OH going on at me alll the time that I need to get one, And he always makes sly remarks about how he works and stuff.
Ahh that's so sad bless him. It sounds like it hit him sooo hard!
Did you actually ever buy anything? Or did you tell anyone?
I'm sorry to hear that hunny DO you just believe it's one of those things? ...I just can't stop blaming myself. x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

i worked at a college teaching key skills, i know it doesnt sound fun but im only 21 and having the power to give students who are like 19/20 years old tons of homework was really fun lol

again, im just like you. my oh is always making sly comments on how he works and how busy he always his. it really gets to me!

i told my parents and sister and friends. but thankfully i didnt tell the whole family or buy anything. my mom always told me from day 1 since she found out not to buy anything until the first scan to make sure that everything was ok. so i am really glad that i didnt buy anything tbh. my oh brought me tons of pregnancy books, on what to expect and stuff because i was really looking forward to the whole experience and in the end i had to chuck them away, i couldnt bear the thought of hiding them.

i did blame myself and my oh blamed himself too. i think its normal to blame yourself. iv always tried to be healthy,so when it happened i was like, why me? what did i do? do i deserve this? tbh i go to the doctors all the time, because if there is a problem wrong with me then i would rather know about it now rather then later. xxx

 

[xxxjessxxx]

Haha that does sound fun! I didn't mind key skills at college actually
Ouou we're both young then I turned 19 2 days ago lol. It's kind of nice to talk to people nearer my age, no offence to anyone.
Yeah I know! I told OH if he moans about his job while I'm pregnant that will pee me off! We have to go through so much, and we'll be knackered! So yeah, if he moans I won't be happy lol
Aww, your OH sounds like he really does love the idea of the pregnancy. Maybe that's why it's taking such a big toll on your relationship?
Me and OH, and even my mum, brought stuff. And although it's rather depressing to know it's under the bed, it's given me determination to get another bfp
Bless, OH blames himself too. I know it's sort of expected, it's just I can't get my head round that if it got that far, it must've been something I did that stopped it
HAve you thought of naming yours? x x x

 

[jennijunni]

Just as you are suffering, so is your OH. You may not see them cry, or see the hurt, but them lashing out, is their way of grieving. It is hard on them too. We too had a recent loss, and I am much older than you both, and have been married for a long time, but it did hit us hard. Very hard. We lost a baby boy in our second trimester, and the loss was devastating. I think our spouses, or OH expect us to get over the pain more quickly, but for me, I know it was not like that. I had a baby boy, I held him, and it was just so hard. But it does get better. It is important to let your OH know how you feel, and tell him what you expect as far as support. And I will say this too, though it will be hard to hear, you cannot be ruled by your grief. You heart will stop hurting so much each day, you will carry that pain with you always, but you need to also live your life, and pick up the pieces, KWIM?? It is still fresh for you both, but I promise, it does get better, it takes time, and like I said you will think of it often, but it does get better. It is important to also show your OH how much you love them, and how much you need them. Hugs to you all!!! I hope you can all heal from your losses, and that you will have a stronger relationship in the end.

 

[stephanie1990]

oh your 19, your young too lol. again no offense to anyone

iv also said to my oh, that when i found out im pregnant, he can learn how to clean and cook lol id need my rest!

my oh wants a baby more then anything, it was him who had the talk about starting a family. i use to be one of those people who thought if i got pregnant i got pregnant, if i didnt then i didnt, but when i met him, i saw how amazing he was with his little nephew that i felt so strong about having a family because i knew that he would be an amazing dad.

aw sweetie, thats awful. but if i was you, knowing that the stuff is under the bed would make me have the determation also.

a few days before i lost the baby, me and oh had a stupid argument, that lasted for hours and hours, i always think that the stress from the arguing killed my baby, i blame myself all the time

i havent thought about naming it tbh, we said from day 1 if we had a girl we was going to call her olivia and for a boy we decided on harry.

have you thought about naming yours?

to jenni,

thank you for your post. your words mean alot to me. i hope that with each day that passes, my grief gets a little more managable. i cant even begin to understand what you went through but i do wish you the very best of luck and all the happiness. xxx

 

[chirizma]

Im so sorry for you loss *hugs*
I had a whole post written up but my 3 yr old came over here and hit delete and BAM my post is gone!
I dont have the time to re-write right now, cuz we off to grocery shop..but when my youngest naps I will come back and write it up again.

 

[xxxjessxxx]

Just as you are suffering, so is your OH. You may not see them cry, or see the hurt, but them lashing out, is their way of grieving. It is hard on them too. We too had a recent loss, and I am much older than you both, and have been married for a long time, but it did hit us hard. Very hard. We lost a baby boy in our second trimester, and the loss was devastating. I think our spouses, or OH expect us to get over the pain more quickly, but for me, I know it was not like that. I had a baby boy, I held him, and it was just so hard. But it does get better. It is important to let your OH know how you feel, and tell him what you expect as far as support. And I will say this too, though it will be hard to hear, you cannot be ruled by your grief. You heart will stop hurting so much each day, you will carry that pain with you always, but you need to also live your life, and pick up the pieces, KWIM?? It is still fresh for you both, but I promise, it does get better, it takes time, and like I said you will think of it often, but it does get better. It is important to also show your OH how much you love them, and how much you need them. Hugs to you all!!! I hope you can all heal from your losses, and that you will have a stronger relationship in the end.

Thanks hunny
I'm sorry to hear of your little boy It must of been so hard to say goodbye after holding him
You sound like your getting over that hill, I wish I could be just as strong.
I was getting better after my first MC, but after recently losing my 3rd one 3 weeks ago it's pulled my last straw
We both talk and I want to always comfort him too, but he tries to put on a brave face. Some days he can bear to talk about it, then other days he closes up.
I will take you advice though hunny, so thank you x x x

 

[xxxjessxxx]

oh your 19, your young too lol. again no offense to anyone

iv also said to my oh, that when i found out im pregnant, he can learn how to clean and cook lol id need my rest!

my oh wants a baby more then anything, it was him who had the talk about starting a family. i use to be one of those people who thought if i got pregnant i got pregnant, if i didnt then i didnt, but when i met him, i saw how amazing he was with his little nephew that i felt so strong about having a family because i knew that he would be an amazing dad.

aw sweetie, thats awful. but if i was you, knowing that the stuff is under the bed would make me have the determation also.

a few days before i lost the baby, me and oh had a stupid argument, that lasted for hours and hours, i always think that the stress from the arguing killed my baby, i blame myself all the time

i havent thought about naming it tbh, we said from day 1 if we had a girl we was going to call her olivia and for a boy we decided on harry.

have you thought about naming yours?

to jenni,

thank you for your post. your words mean alot to me. i hope that with each day that passes, my grief gets a little more managable. i cant even begin to understand what you went through but i do wish you the very best of luck and all the happiness. xxx

Yeah, I'm a young'en
Haha that's a good saying, I think OH knows how important it is though now, as he said next time I'm pregnant he'll help a lot more, as previously I've just felt so strained all of the time.
Lol the more you say about yourself the more freaky I find it because we are soooo alike!! My OH suggested TTC too! And he is fabulous with is nephew which made me sway to TTC (getting kind of freaky how much we have in common!)
Ahhh bless it's not your fault though! Funnily enough me and OH had an arguement (big one) before I started bleeding. I sometimes think... what if. As he promised me a few things and broke them all at once! Wasn't nice
Aww they are nice names We've named ours because we thought it'd make sense and make things easier... which it has. Not everyone agrees with naming your little bubba's but it's helped me and OH
1st baby, when I was pregnant - we just seemed to call it Lil Roo so yeah, Roo stuck for number 1.
2nd one, was when I was pregnant in Wales (As I was visiting my dad) And when I came back home, I was bleeding when me and OH saw 2 rainbows in the sky. I thought about babyandbump and how they talk about rainbow babies, and it was like the 2nd one had joined Roo. So we decided on the welsh word for rainbow which is Enfys (en-vis)
3rd, well OH was working with a company called Sky Blue, and we loved the name Sky anyway, and because it's now an angel in the sky we called the 3rd... Sky
So how long were you and your OH TTC before you got a ? x x x

 

[stephanie1990]

we are really alike!! its shocking lol

ye we argued all the time, we had a massive argument the night before i found out i was pregnant, i nearly ended it with him because i was so tired of feeling low all the time,i have to admit though, since the loss im a much calmer person, i really never want to argue, with anyone, i hate the feeling of stress, so i always try my hardest to stay calm. after that big argument we had before i found out i was pregnant, it was in the morning when i just thought id take a test, i cant even remember what day i was on etc, but i took the test and when it was positive, i swear my heart has never beaten so quick lol. but its strange because it brought us so much closer together, and thats something that i miss more then anything.

oh there are beautiful names and i love the meanings behind them

we was trying for 2 months before we got out BFP, were on month 3 at the moment which sucks!! i hate the feeling when af is coming, urgh makes me so angry lol.

how about you guys? how long was you trying for? xxx