Husband doesnt want to be present for birth

[sixtwelve09]

We are due with our second child in august, and my husband has said he doesnt want to be in the room for the birth. He was there for our first child nearly 5 years ago, until now he never made mention that it bothered him or that he didn't like it, so this has come as a complete shock. He hasn't given an exact reason why, but he's hinted when i've asked that watching the first birth wasnt a pleasant experience for him. I understand the process of birth can be hard to watch for some, but this is a man who can watch every gory bloody scene in game of thrones and not flinch. I understand if he doesnt want to watch, but to not be in the room at all? That is worrisome. I want to raise the issue and talk about it, but im too hormonal to do it without crying and i dont want that to make him feel pressured into being there and having another traumatizing experience out of it. I dont want him to look at me differently afterwards. I was having my mom and mother in law with me too but this whole thing makes me question if i really want anyone with me at all. If it disturbed my husband so much then i know im going to be very self conscious (not during labor maybe , but before and after). Have any of you ever dealt with this? Im not sure how to talk to him about it without getting my feelings hirt all over again.

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I'm so sorry--that is a tough spot. I know that personally, I want DH in there for support. But, he also wants to be in there, so it hasn't come up. I totally understand that would make you feel self-conscious and have hurt feelings. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I hope you and DH can talk it out and come to a resolution that you both feel good about. Big hugs!!!!! Praying you get some peace and closure about the whole situation very soon.

 

[MamaLa]

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be in the room, he said no, but he'll be there whether he likes it or not. Lol kidding I wss going to ask him further in the pregnancy. But I was talking to my coworkers, and her husband was iffy about being in the room for their 3rds birth because he felt uncomfortable knowing that she was in pain, and there was nothing that he could do.

 

[lovinglife28]

I've heard that some men can find being present kind of traumatic, which I guess I can understand. I think it's each individual couples choice to make and I feel either way is ok provided both mom and dad are on the same page. Personally, the more I think about it I would like my df there but not so much at the business end of things if you know what I mean. This is my first so I don't know how I'll feel afterwards but I just think the first time we are intimate afterwards I'll be wondering if he's thinking that a baby just came out of there lol. I know it probably sounds stupid.

 

[Bex84]

Gosh I didn't even question dh been with me, would your oh not be OK as long as he wasent down the business end. My dh worried about me in first birth but he put in perspective I was one in pain so he wanted to be there for me and our baby. I may end up on my own if child care dissent materialise as family been difficult and it does worry me, I wouldn't ask friend or sister to come in with me as both due with babies after me which are their firsts and I would feel self concious . could you maybe go to midwife with him and get him to discuss why he was so traumatized. My dh said it was a bit disturbing seeing head lol but he didnt want to miss first moments of meeting lo

 

[Yo_Yo]

Perhaps he found it hard seeing you in pain? When it's blood and gore on TV, it's not someone you love and real I guess.

It's hard to understand what it's like from a birth partners point of view, but you need to get to the bottom of it-maybe he can stay up the top end for example?

You still have to go through it if he is there or not, so I really hope he puts your feelings first on this and manages to find a way of being there as it's a special moment

 

[sweetpea8]

Hi,

Did he say what aspect he wasn't comfortable with? My husband is very tough and physically strong but he said after that he found it very difficult seeing me be in pain and not be able to do anything. He has always been the strong, tough one and he found it hard that it was me having to go though it and he couldn't help in anyway.
Might be worth trying to see which aspect of it makes him uncomfortable before you feel too self-conscious. (Although I can completely understand why you would feel that way.)
Hope you can find a way to talk about it and hopefully get it sorted.
x

 

[Gnomer]

You really need to sit down and discuss it. Get his and your own feelings out. I think the fact he hasn't mentioned the first birth for so many years is because he didn't want to upset you.

My OH said it was by far the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Watching me in agony, knowing there was nothing he could do was torture. During my first birth he kept disappearing out the door to update my parents. Not because they needed updating, but because he needed to pull himself together. (My dad did the same when my brother was on life support, in and out of the room.)
This time around OH says if I don't need another section, then I best have an epidural. We laugh and make it lighthearted, my OH doesn't cope well with serious discussions about his feelings. He can't help but be manly man, "nothing bothers me! I am a lion!"

Although your husband feels that way now, it may change closer to the birth or even on the day. Discuss it in the way you'd normally discuss things, explain how it'd make you feel. But I think, when push comes I shove, if it's going to really effect him, it'd be best he wasn't there. For both of you.

 

[qe76]

well to start I think it shows you have a strong relationship that he can express his feeling of discomfort-It can't be easy for him to admit that he's even having the issue..
That being said though- Men need to 'man' up and be in the room cause we want/need them there- I'm trying not to go into a complete rant over men and their bull shit lol They can feel nervous or bad or whatever about it but they still need to be there and do what they can- even if it's just taking a beating and getting yelled at cause we all know... they did this to us! (lol)
I told my husband I've been storing every little thing that he's pissed me off about and he's gonna get it in the delivery room- told him Im not holding anything back! I even told him if I all of a sudden get really calm and nice.. to run.. as fast as he can ..
It's safe to say he's a bit terrified!

lol

 

[sixtwelve09]

Thanks for the replies i did tell him he could just stay by my head and he said he'd have to think about it so he could "make the right decision" im not sure if its because he doesnt like seeing me in pain, i was in more pain in the days following birth with my first child than i was in labor. My labor was very quick and i had an epidural, so im not really sure what made him have a change of heart. And i agree qe76, i dont want to make him feel like im not being understanding about his fears, but i do think he should man up a bit. No one is going to make him watch, but i still think he should be there.

 

[Rickles]

Personally if my OH said that - and we'd talked about it in depth over a period of weeks(!). I'd respect his decision, ask my BFF to be in there and expect him to be right outside the door throughout.

My older brother was seriously traumatised by the birth of his son, his wife haemorrahaged and at one point he thought she was going to die... all the while he was stood there holding his son, because everyone (understandably) rushed around his wife... She can't remember a thing, but he didn't sleep for a year afterwards.

An extreme example yes, but highlights that often birth partners feel completely helpless and overwhelmed... I remember at our NCT group - all the girls were more worried about their OHs seeing them in pain than the actual birth - just because we knew how hard it would be for them.

That said, (for the first timers) my OH is incredibly squeamish and pretty sensitive - before the birth he was going to stay head side and not cut the cord, was very nervous etc... On the day he was kind of mesmerised by seeing our daughter born, cut the cord without thinking and was blown away by the whole thing (I was the traumatised one!!) So I think I'd insist OH was there for the first one - even if subsequently he wanted out!!!

xx

 

[Bex84]

I have to say I would be hurt if dh said he wouldn't be there or even considered not wanting to be there. It was a painful experience and I needed dh there so I could have someone there to speak up for me (I know of friends who really needed their oh to advocate for their wants and wishes) I had lovely midwifes with first birth but my biggest support was my dh. He knew that I was the one going through the pain so he was willing to be there through the blood and gore for me and lo. I can understand how someone may be put off if a traumatic birth but surely if you love someone you want to support them. If my husband was in pain I would want to be by his side however much blood and gore. For me my dh being there made me feel better and the thought he may not be there this time terrifies me as I may have to go to different hospital due to local closures

 

[Gnomer]

Although I can understand wanting to be by your partners side if they were in pain,bit doesn't always happen that way. An extreme example, and unrelated to child birth, but as I said earlier my brother spent a couple of days on life support. It was incredibly difficult being in the room with him, for everyone. We'd do shifts as we didn't want him to be alone. We'd spend an hour at a time, and after that hour you'd walk out an absolute mess. My father couldn't do more than a couple of minutes at a time.
It's not always easy for everyone to be around someone in pain, or poorly. Neither of my parents could be in the room whilst I was in labour either. Too difficult for them. They also didn't visit me when I had septicaemia. Both times they sat outside the room, all day and all night.
Is there someone else who could be in the room whilst he is outside? I'd expect him to be in the hospital at least, and he may very well change his mind once he is there.

 

[vickyandchick]

I agree that you can see it from both sides, I would understandably be hurt if my OH had said he didn't want to be there as you want their love and support through the pain.
When it's someone you love you rely on them to help you through and I would be deeply upset if he didn't want to be there. If it was the other way around I know I'd want to be there no matter what, it would hurt to see it but I know he'd need me there and that to me is more important.
I do also know that it's a struggle seeing the person you love in pain though, I was 12 when I had meningitis and my dad could not be around in the beginning. I had to have a lumbar puncture and I screamed the place down, he had to leave and go sit outside the hospital.
I cannot comment on labour as this is my first baby but I do think you need to get to the bottom of it for you to either accept his decision or for him to change his mind.

 

[Hoping4Four]

Honestly, I'd be very upset if my DH didn't want to be there for the birth. When our first was born he was only 19 and he lived 250 miles away from me, but he STILL made the journey to be there for me and stayed with me through the whole thing. He didn't want to cut the cord but I think he was more overwhelmed than anything.. He cut the cords of our subsequent children.

We have talked a lot about it and the gory aspect of it, and he says he didn't feel "grossed out" in the slightest.. Even when I tore very badly with my first. He obviously didn't like seeing me in pain and felt a bit helpless, but knows how much I wanted him there so would (and will!) go through it all again. He actually said it would feel wrong not to be by my side.

I think if your husband knows how much his support means to you, he should be in the room with you, even if he's standing by your head/behind you. My DH was pretty much behind me for my last birth, holding my shoulders and saying encouraging things in my ear. He only stood lower down the bed when our son's head was out.. He actually wanted to see. It's obviously a very personal decision but it's his child and he might regret not being there later.

 

[sweetcheeks78]

I can't imagine doing it without DH there. If my Mum was still alive I could cope with it if she was with me, but she can't be and no one else will do. My deliver of DS1 was very traumatic and frankly brutal in the end. My DH was traumatised by it without a doubt. I think he buried those feelings though, as I guess he figured I was the one going through it all, he was just 'watching'. He's a tough cookie though, and I know he wouldn't dream of letting me go through it alone next time. I guess it's different if you have other people there to support you, but given that my best friend lives 5 hours away and my Mum is in heaven, there is no one else I trust to be with me in that moment.

 

[victoria1987]

I'm sorry that you are not comfortable with doing this on your own, it is really hard when both parties don't agree. My husband and I are expecting our first child and have both made the decision that he will not be there for the birth, but I am OK with this... in fact I feel relieved that he will not be there. He will be there for some of the labour and I will have a midwife and doula to support me for the actual birth part.

I would suggest if you are completely uncomfortable with your husband not being in the room during birth and he will not change his mind to consider a doula or other support person so that you do not feel so alone.

Again I am sorry and this is a sucky situation, but both parties need to be comfortable and I am sure you two can come to an agreement that you are both happy with

 

[moter98]

My DH very much didn't want to be there for our first. He has an intense hospital phobia due to being in one for months when he nearly died from an accident. I told him that I very much wanted him there and left it at that. And he came, and stayed the whole hospital stay. My husband is one that feels labor pain is totally normal and that I knew I had to do it before I got pregnant so no sympathy there lol! He is on his laptop or watching TV during the labor, leaves the room anytime I am checked or given epidural etc. Then for the birth he is right by my side, stays by my head. And with DS#1, when the going got tough, he was right there for me by his choice, not mine. He does not cut the cord....jokes with the Dr. that that's what he's paying him for haha! And with DS#2, he did choose to watch his son come into the world. So, you just never do know how it will play out when the moment comes. I think we should also take our OH/DH's feelings into consideration, though if you want him there, let him know how important it is to you. Chances are once he knows your feelings he will do that for you because he loves you. And remind him that the first moments of his baby being born he can never get back!

 

[purplecupcake]

Haven't read everyone's responses so sorry if this has already been said. Does he come to your appointments with you? Can he talk to your doctor/midwife about his discomforts/fears and come to a compromise with you? Attend birthing classes with you so he knows what to expect?

My DH is going to be there but he has made it clear that he won't be looking near the "action zone", and he doesn't want to get in his swim trunks and sit in the birthing tub with me, but he will stay at my side or behind me to hold my hand, rub my back, hold me, etc... He also said he may wish to take little breaks if he feels like he needs to.

I'm sure you and he can come to a compromise that you are both comfortable with.

 

[Gingerspice]

Part of me thinks 'hang on' it's you who is going to have had no sleep and be in pain and pushing this thing out, how dare he state he can't be there for you because it's hard on him.....

However, my OH was traumatised by DD birth. He nearly passed out, and as they were struggling to stop me bleeding, the MW literally said 'we don't have time to deal with you too' and shoved him as white as a ghost into the chair. He said watching them clearly struggling to control the situation was THE worst experience of his life. It's taken years for us to come to terms with the birth and decide to have no.2. At that birth he said 'you will NEVER be in that position again, I will not stand and watch'

Tbh he's not said about it much. I think he's suppressed it, but i could understand now if he said to me he can't be there. As it is, he's said he won't let me go to that hospital and I think part of that is his mechanism to keep the past situation detached and not then overpower this birth because we will be at a differrent hospital. I think he needs to not be at that hospital, perhaps more so that me.

I would suggest seeking third party help of some kind tho. My OH works away alot. He'lol be home for 2 days in a 10 week period. There's a chance he might be away still as we near due date so I'm tempted to speak to some local DouLas so I can then take one on if required.

Men are often overlooked, especially if things for mother and baby do start going wrong. They will literally leave a man standing in a room alone with no explanation and rush a women off to surgery if it's needed. That man is shocked and has NO idea what on earth is going on. They will most likely be fearing the worst for one or both pepole and while they rush around trying to save the women or baby , epping the dad/man in the picture really is not in anyone's thought. Men often feel overlooked, rejected, sidelined and useless at births