I didn’t know the hurt that I could feel.
It took 3 cycles to get pregnant with my daughter. And it was (for the most part) a safe and healthy pregnancy. So when we decided to try for number 2 I thought it would be okay. We started trying in June and I fell pregnant in October, only to start bleeding a week later. I was incredibly sad and it took awhile to dig out of that hole. But we did. I convinced myself that miscarriage is common and now that I’ve got mine out of the way I will have a healthy pregnancy. (How arrogant of me)
We found out we were pregnant on December 16. With every test, the line got darker and darker. And even two beautiful “pregnant” digital tests. This baby would be okay. This baby is the one that would make my little girl a big sister. This baby would make a difference in the world because he or she would be in it. We thought about names. We made an elaborate game and told our families on Christmas. I started pink spotting yesterday and rushed to the emergency room praying. “Please God don’t take this baby from me. Please let this baby be okay” by the time we checked in, it was red, and I knew. They did blood tests and a pelvic and I just felt numb through it all. This is not happening this baby was supposed to be okay. This is the baby I have prayed for. They did an ultrasound and all I could do was cry and and apologize to the tech. She pissed me. I know she couldn’t say anything. But I searched her face for any clue and she just sat stoically. Just doing her job. Then I wondered how hard her job must be. Having to be the one that takes those god-awful pictures. The ones that find out that the babies are gone. That they were there three days ago...and today they aren’t. When they handed the paperwork to me all I could see was the fine print (that seemed like a newspaper headline) “reason for visit: miscarriage”
They said that my cervix was closed. There was no clots, but there was nothing in my uterus. I don’t know where to go from here. They assured me that an ob would could help us have another healthy pregnancy but the thought of having to do this again....I don’t know if I can handle it.
I’m so sorry to you mommies. Because you would t be here if you weren’t in the same boat as me. Some probably even more times or worse circumstances than me! I feel your pain. Your babies were here. They matter.
It took 3 cycles to get pregnant with my daughter. And it was (for the most part) a safe and healthy pregnancy. So when we decided to try for number 2 I thought it would be okay. We started trying in June and I fell pregnant in October, only to start bleeding a week later. I was incredibly sad and it took awhile to dig out of that hole. But we did. I convinced myself that miscarriage is common and now that I’ve got mine out of the way I will have a healthy pregnancy. (How arrogant of me)
We found out we were pregnant on December 16. With every test, the line got darker and darker. And even two beautiful “pregnant” digital tests. This baby would be okay. This baby is the one that would make my little girl a big sister. This baby would make a difference in the world because he or she would be in it. We thought about names. We made an elaborate game and told our families on Christmas. I started pink spotting yesterday and rushed to the emergency room praying. “Please God don’t take this baby from me. Please let this baby be okay” by the time we checked in, it was red, and I knew. They did blood tests and a pelvic and I just felt numb through it all. This is not happening this baby was supposed to be okay. This is the baby I have prayed for. They did an ultrasound and all I could do was cry and and apologize to the tech. She pissed me. I know she couldn’t say anything. But I searched her face for any clue and she just sat stoically. Just doing her job. Then I wondered how hard her job must be. Having to be the one that takes those god-awful pictures. The ones that find out that the babies are gone. That they were there three days ago...and today they aren’t. When they handed the paperwork to me all I could see was the fine print (that seemed like a newspaper headline) “reason for visit: miscarriage”
They said that my cervix was closed. There was no clots, but there was nothing in my uterus. I don’t know where to go from here. They assured me that an ob would could help us have another healthy pregnancy but the thought of having to do this again....I don’t know if I can handle it.
I’m so sorry to you mommies. Because you would t be here if you weren’t in the same boat as me. Some probably even more times or worse circumstances than me! I feel your pain. Your babies were here. They matter.