I don't know where I belong anymore

[sethsmummy]

I hope you are doing ok hun and got to do everything you wanted to do on saturday with your precious little one. I have been thinking of you over the weekend

 

[LDC]

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, I feel like my world has collapsed.

I had 4 rounds of the pessaries every three hours starting at 11am on Saturday - they said they couldn't give me the usual amount because of my previous c section in 2012 in case it made my scar rupture. They said if nothing happened after the four pessaries then I'd have to start again Sunday morning.

I had a lot of pain; in the end was given gas and air and pethidine. Baby Reuben was then born at 12:15am Sunday morning after the final pessary at 8pm. He was 29cm long and weighed 442g. With dd being born by c section I'd never had a natural birth before and, if anything, I'm so glad I was able to push my baby into this world. Once I pushed my waters out he came quite quickly; they told me bother was happening because I'd bleed before anything started - I didn't bleed before.

Then things started to go wrong - my placenta wouldn't all come out and was stuck in the neck of the womb and I was losing a lot of blood. Everyone just started rushing around and the Dr was calling for more and more people saying EBL. This completely freaked me out and the pain was horrendous. They ended up taking me to theatre under anaesthetic to remove the rest of my placenta and to stop the bleeding. I got back to my oh on the ward at around 4:30am and was told the next morning I lost around 2 litres of blood.

So I didn't get the chance to even talk about my little boy until 10am the next day. We got the chance to go and see Reuben, but I couldnt. I couldn't do it. I was scared and just frozen to where I was. My oh went to see him and took him the bunny we brought him; he was really upset when he got back and said he didn't think I should go but that he was glad he did; he said he thought I'd be too upset seeing him. The hospital had put him in a Moses basket with a little hat on and a blanket - we got to keep the blanket that wrapped my son up.

We had Reuben blessed by the vicar and had hand and foot prints given to us. We are now waiting to try and arrange the funeral after the PM.

Now I'm at home and we are expected to carry on as though nothing has happened. My son is real but not here. Where is the justice? I broke down this morning to oh about it, I don't know if I regret not going to see him. We have pictures but I can't bring myself to look at them either, what is wrong with me? Oh spoke to me and said he needed to see him as for him he wasn't real whereas for me he is real because I felt him move and pushed him into this world. Maybe being rushed of to theatre didn't help either - it was meant to be calm but it wasn't, I honestly thought I was going to die.

All I know is I am devastated. For those 21 weeks my son brought me so much happiness and I just wish that I could have given him the health and strength to be strong enough for this world. My dd keeps me busy and I'm so grateful that she is here to keep mine and oh's spirits as high as they can be, I just wish things had turned out differently.

Xx

 

[sethsmummy]

awww hun i am so so sorry things didnt go so well Thats the last thing you needed to be happening after everything else.

Please please do not beat yourself up, there is no right or wrong and there is 100% nothing wrong with you. you have just gone through one of the most traumatic things that can ever happen to a parent When you feel the time is right you can look at the photographs of your precious Reuben.

I am so glad they managed to stop the bleeding and that you are still here hun as thats an awful lot of blood to loose.

Everyone will be here for you to help you through this hun. I hope you also have lots of support around you at home.. and please do not feel like you just have to cope. What you have just been through no mummy or daddy should ever go through that and you need time to grieve

 

[LDC]

Thank you so much for your reply.

Oh and I had a really open talk during the labour and it really helped us to just say exactly how we felt and how horrendous the situation feels. He's been so good today and yesterday too, just letting me know it's ok to be upset and taking a lead on things.

I felt really poorly yesterday when I got home, like weak and lightheaded which I imagine is from the blood loss (they decided against a blood transfusion at the last minute) and he just let me rest and took charge of dd, despite how awful he was feeling.

Ive been given two lots of antibiotics and a dose of iron tablets to take and have woken up today feeling less fuzzy and just a bit achy downstairs and in my arms (I had three canulars in) but I can deal with that. I can just picture the bloody woman coming at me with these forceps to try and get the placenta out...definitely put me off a natural labour if we choose to have any more children! I was opting for a planned section with Reuben.

My MIL gets back from holiday tomorrow and she doesn't know anything about it Yet as oh didn't want to tell her whilst she was on holiday, which I understand as she can't do anything. So that's anther bridge to cross tomorrow.

Xxx

 

[Jessicahide]

You have your pics and they will always be there for when and if you are ready xxx nothing is wrong with you apart fro having your precious baby stolen from you.... And that is frankly more than any person should have to go through, people will never understand the horror and hurt and injustice or the way you will try to plead with the universe to take it back for the rest of your life. People will say stupid things to you, hurtful and spiteful and they will have no idea how much they effect you. The world keeps going and I remember thinking "how can people just be going to work, and doing their washing.... Don't they know what has happened?!" Its a strange sensation and I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I am glad you had him, even for such ashort time because he is yours no matter where he is xxxx

 

[LDC]

Jessica, I think that it exactly it. It's like my world has been ripped apart but nothing at home has changed if that makes sense. When I lost my mum it was just me and her at home so there was a huge gap where she would sit or check email or cook dinner, yet with this loss there is nothing as such. Just my stupidly empty stomach and hole in my heart. Nothing visible? Maybe that's what makes it harder. You know there was an existence, I have proof of an existence but then nothing at the same time?

People keep asking what they can do, I just want to say "bring my baby back" because, actually that's all I want.

Your last sentence really meant a lot to me, thank you. You're right, Reuben is mine. He was here and we love him with all of our hearts, he's just in a different place right now

Xxx

 

[Jessicahide]

Sending my love xxxx

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. We lost Alfie at 18 weeks into the pregnancy, and Eve at 5 days old.
It's not a pain you ever get over but it's a pain you learn to live with in time.
I'm so glad you got some photographs and prints of Reuben. Also, it's not too late to see him after the pm. We saw eve after her pm and she still looked perfect, I'm
Not saying that to place doubts in your head, just because I don't want you to regret anything if you didn't know it was still an option.
Sands provided lots of support too, they were my lifeline in the early days.
My thoughts are with you all x

 

[Boozlebub]

I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling but I want to send you hugs and prayers and to tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong and brave woman. And your husband is also strong and brave and I'm glad you have each other and your DD to keep you going x

 

[lizlemon]

Sending you a massive hug. Don't rush to recover too quickly, the blood loss will have wiped you out for a while. I'm glad you got photos, I've not looked at my lo's for about a year but am glad they are there if I need too. I expected people to say hurtful things but in fact everyone was very kind and upset for me and dh. Also if you did still want to see your baby you can ask as it takes a while for them to do pms so there is time if you really want to. Sending you big big hug, keep talking to your oh and cry when you want to xxx

 

[LDC]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do.

I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon.

I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both.

My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon.

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life.

We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there.

Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers.

Xxx

 

[Bunanie]

I'm so so so sorry... I just can't imagine how much pain you ar going through right now... Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to look at the photos, I too have not touched or put away the ultrasound films with my last. I simply shoved it to a corner of a table, it's my way to heal.

The shrub sounds like a great idea...

Hugs....................... Please take good care of yourself

 

[Peanutt]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do.

I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon.

I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both.

My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon.

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life.

We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there.

Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers.

Xxx

I'm about to lose my baby due to Trisomy 18 and so I know how you're feeling.
Unfortunately, I'm no stranger to loss and the only way I can make sense of it is when I come across someone hurting and perhaps I can help if only a little.

Your friends don't know what to say. There are no words that will make you feel better right now. Even someone who has been through the exact same thing can't make you feel better.
On a cut, you can apply salve. You can take medicine for a headache. But for a heartache, there's nothing for it but time. And it works so, so slowly.
You stand there, time seeming to stand still, the tick-tock paused. But the rest of the world continues as it has, rushing around and unaware of the great loss you've had. That's how it feels for everyone and it feels so cruel.
But as time passes, you heal and get better.

You will be okay. I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but believe me.
You. Will be. Okay.
Take it slow and easy. This type of wound will always be a scar upon your heart. And just like a scar, sometimes it'll hurt, pull or itch and remind you it's there. But it won't be like the pain you're feeling now.
Put one foot in front of the other and just trust that things will get better.

 

[lizlemon]

I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up.
Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx

 

[LDC]

I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up.
Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx

Thank you for the milk tips, it's bloody unfair getting it in. I'm hoping it will dry up soon although I imagine that again i will feel sad because then there is another thing gone. It's a bit like 2 of one 3 of another.




We brought our shrubs today for the garden, a blue flower and a white one. I think they'll look really pretty once they flower. We're going to try and find some ornaments tomorrow to put a few down around the plants. Nothing too much but just something to decorate and give us something to look at and remember.

My MIL came round tonight after her holiday, we had a cry together in the garden when I showed her the flowers. It was nice to speak to her and offload, we've never really had anything emotional happen but it was lovely having her here to speak to.

Xxx

 

[LDC]

Thank you everyone,

I feel like my sense of time is completely warped. Everything seems so long ago but also that it was yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself that it was only Sunday.

I've still not managed to look at the pictures, but I have opened up a lot to oh and to one of my best friends which has helped me to try and not let the grief build up.

I've been focussing on our garden too and giving Reuben somewhere beautiful to rest. I'm really happy with how it looks so far.

The chaplain called today to discuss what kind of funeral we would like, I think we're going to have an individual service but the hospital plot. They also said that we can put something in Reuben's coffin so I think we're going to put in a picture of oh, dd and I and a teddy. I think I'm going to write a letter too after reading a lot of people having done this. I get a lot of comfort from thinking about it, despite the heartbreak I think the letter will bring.

The bereavement midwife also came over this evening, she was lovely. We spoke about my guilt for not seeing Reuben and she made a lot of sense about how things impact on mothers and fathers. We also spoke about us having a consultation once the PM results come but that this won't be until late October/ November time. That would be our due date

We said we wouldn't ttc until we had the PM results come through, but now this could be another 3 months it feels like a long time to wait. I know it's not...but it feels like it. I was hoping to ttc before that. Now I feel confused about it.

Xx

 

[lizlemon]

We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again.
One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx

 

[LDC]

We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again.
One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx

Oh the balloon idea is beautiful. I can see how that would be therapeutic, it's a lovely way to remember.

I'm in the UK, essentially they said we'd be referred onto genetics if it comes back as something. I do think the fluid was an isolated incident as nothing else was picked up at my additional scan and they said everything else on baby looked normal (even more heartbreaking). From what I've read, hydrocephalus is on average, a 1 in 1000 chance for the average joe. In my head I think I'd just thought once we can have intercourse again we would just see what happens and what will be will be. I kinda crave that intimacy already, but think that's more wanting to be close to my oh after everything. I don't know if I'm just being irresponsible. 3 months isn't a massively long time, it just feels like it. I kinda just wanted to go with what felt right?

Xx

 

[ceve]

LDC,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.

Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!

Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...

Hugs, Cee

 

[lizlemon]

I'm in the uk too, we lost our little girl just before Christmas 2011 and we also had to wait ages. I think her body was released about 5 weeks later and the gentetic tests came back about 3 months later. The wait is a killer. One way we found solace was to go to Rome on a mini break during half term (I was a teacher at the time) and it made me realise life can be good again xxx