I don't know where I belong anymore

[LDC]

We had an appointment today following severe water on the brain found at 20 week scan. We got told today that the prognosis for baby is really not good, and that if we continue then there are likely to be further complications and extremely impaired motor skills at the very best.

Oh and I made the horrendous decision to end the pregnancy (I can't even bare to call it anything else) after having discussed this following the poor diagnosis at the 20 week scan.

I'm due in for the tablet on Thursday and the delivery on Saturday.

I don't even know how to feel. I'm so confused, I don't feel that it's fair. It's not fair to anyone.

I've bawled my eyes out and am now numb. Just waiting for the day for it all to happen.

I don't even know if we're having a girl or a boy.

I feel like a monster for making such a decision.

My oh has been wonderful and he's off work now until next week. I've called work and told them not to expect me in. I'm panicking now about work - because it's happening at 21.5 weeks I'm not covered by our maternity policy (I would be if it were 24 weeks plus) so it goes to sick leave. I can self cert for 5 days (taking me to Tuesday) but what do I do? I feel like it's an extra stress I don't need right now. I'd like to think I can't work 3 days after delivering but then I've chosen this so does that mean I can? I don't want to be racing to the drs next week after what is going to be a horrendous time to try and get a sick note.

I just want to crawl into a hole and forget.
I feel so alone xxx

 

[NerdyMama]

I'm so sorry you are going through this hun I saw your other thread in gestational complications and was so hoping things would be ok... I know they have a forum here for ethical losses that may have a good support group for those who have had to make this very tough decision.

 

[mummy2o]

Doctors can give you longer than a week sick notes if its for something like this. I've just had my 2nd 2nd trimester miscarriage. And no one can blame you for wanting to end the pregnancy. Only you know how you'll cope. Just take one day at a time and allow yourself to recover properly. I'm sorry your going through this, my thoughts are with you

 

[Autumnflower]

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've had to make this decision. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Im so sorry and I wish a speedy recovery from the procedure.

 

[LDC]

Thank you everyone.

It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar.

I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like?

Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone.

I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while.

I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you everyone.

It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar.

I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like?

Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone.

I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while.

I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.

I gave birth at 22 weeks.I didn't want to see her at first, thank God the nurse told me to think a bit about it..I did hold her and I just fell in love, it was the most precious moment of my life.. Don't be scared, it will come naturally.. One thing I regret is not taking pictures, I should have, but that is something for you to decide.. You are not offending anyone, we all deal with this in different ways, no way is right or wrong..I wish you nothing but peace and so much love..I am thinking of you and your precious baby..I know how hard this is, I wish things like this just didn't happen Please know you are not alone..XOXOXOXOOXOXOXO I am so so so sorry

 

[Jessicahide]

I am heartbroken for you, woke up thinking about you and bubz hoping everything was OK. I am so so sorry xxxx

 

[Bunanie]

Hi LDC, I remember you from baby club (in threads about sleep)... Our DD are similar age...

I'm so sorry to see you here... I'm posting because I went through something similar earlier this year. I opt for terminating the pregnancy at 13weeks as poor bubba had t13. I thought I had the easiest pregnancy ever because everything seem so perfect.

The whole process was heart breaking and painful. I even broke down in front of DD, I cant forget the innocent look on her face, probably thinking why mummy is crying. But having her there makes things so much easier to cope, made me really appreciate her just being the healthy happy kid that she is...

You are not alone... Lots of hugs..
Stay strong x

 

[LDC]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to post. I hate that so many people have had losses, but it is comforting to hear the experience of others. It's horrendous.

I've been to the hospital this morning and taken the tablet, I know the name but have chosen not to read anything about it in case I get more upset. The ladies were so lovely at the hospital - they were so understanding and made me feel like it was ok to sit and bawl my eyes out and ask questions. I just really hope that come Saturday everything happens quickly and that I can come home that night.

My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.

Andypanda thank you for sharing your experiences, our children will be similar ages when they were born. The lady today spoke about the chaplain and how they can take hand and foot prints and also photos. OH said he doesn't think that he wants to see baby, but that he will judge this on the day. I think I do want to see baby, I think he or she will look like a baby because of the gestation, I just worry that, I don't know, maybe they won't look peaceful or will be grey/blue so not look real.

Bunanie I remember you too, I could not forget your gorgeous picture of DD. my dd has definitely helped me keep going so far; she is beautiful and keeps me and Oh filled with hope. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so awful how common decisions like this are, I never had a clue before this situation. Thank you for sharing

Xx

 

[Bunanie]

My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.

That! I was exactly the same. I was up and down for a while. My DH gave me peace when he reminded me that we were lucky to find out something was wrong, and given the option to end the suffering. But sometimes I just think, why me? Why us? Then I started bawling again.

As cliche as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. My original due date was 29/08, as we are getting nearer to that date, DH and I are feeling a bit emotional again but we are coping much better now.

Hope the procedure goes well, thinking of you X

 

[sethsmummy]

Sending you so much love xxx

 

[klabro]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my twins at 21 weeks 1 day almost 2 months ago. I can share my experience as far as holding them and seeing them. When I first went in I was thinking "no there is not way I want to see that, I just can't" My nurse had lost a baby at full term and she really helped me through it all. One piece of advice that she gave me was to do all of the extras that were offered because some day I might look back and regret not doing them. My babies were born alive and at first I said no and before they were even able to walk my little boy across the room I just knew I needed to hold him. He laid on my chest wrapped in a blanket and I kissed his little cheeks and rubbed his face and held his hands. Then I was able to do the same with my little girl. It really has been the most comfort I was able to get from this situation because for those moments it was just me loving my babies and thinking they were beautiful-just like I would have done if they were born at full term. We did have pictures done and at the advice of my nurse-if it isn't something I feel like I can see at that moment put them in a box somewhere and maybe there will be a day when I want to go back and see them. Well, as it turns out the pictures have given me so much comfort in the aftermath because I can go back and look at their precious little faces and know that they were "real". I'm so sorry that you are faced with this. Sending you hugs.

 

[LDC]

My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.

That! I was exactly the same. I was up and down for a while. My DH gave me peace when he reminded me that we were lucky to find out something was wrong, and given the option to end the suffering. But sometimes I just think, why me? Why us? Then I started bawling again.

As cliche as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. My original due date was 29/08, as we are getting nearer to that date, DH and I are feeling a bit emotional again but we are coping much better now.

Hope the procedure goes well, thinking of you X

Even in this short time, I've realised how important it is to keep talking with oh and I imagine that that will again become important around Los due date. It's just something that I imagie can seem never ending, you deal with the emotions of the decision, then the first part of delivery, then the delivery itself, then the aftermath, people asking, due date.... It's non stop.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as your due date approaches and I send you and your family lots of love to cope xxxx

 

[LDC]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my twins at 21 weeks 1 day almost 2 months ago. I can share my experience as far as holding them and seeing them. When I first went in I was thinking "no there is not way I want to see that, I just can't" My nurse had lost a baby at full term and she really helped me through it all. One piece of advice that she gave me was to do all of the extras that were offered because some day I might look back and regret not doing them. My babies were born alive and at first I said no and before they were even able to walk my little boy across the room I just knew I needed to hold him. He laid on my chest wrapped in a blanket and I kissed his little cheeks and rubbed his face and held his hands. Then I was able to do the same with my little girl. It really has been the most comfort I was able to get from this situation because for those moments it was just me loving my babies and thinking they were beautiful-just like I would have done if they were born at full term. We did have pictures done and at the advice of my nurse-if it isn't something I feel like I can see at that moment put them in a box somewhere and maybe there will be a day when I want to go back and see them. Well, as it turns out the pictures have given me so much comfort in the aftermath because I can go back and look at their precious little faces and know that they were "real". I'm so sorry that you are faced with this. Sending you hugs.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins, thank you so much for sharing your experience especially as it must still be so raw for you. I am so glad that you had a wonderful nurse to help and support you through, that must have helped so much. I am hoping, like you, that the desire or just what seems right happens on Saturday after my delivery. I think my heart will just call out for what I think is best to do. I have spoken with my oh and told him that I want that feeling of knowing that my angel will have been held and loved before going off on his full journey to the sky. In my head lo will be looked after by my mother, who is also an angel.

May I ask, please don't feel the need to answer, did you know the sex before delivery of your twins? We tried to find out at the scan but the cord was in the way and the leaflet the hospital gave me said that under 22 weeks they might not be able to tell as the genetalia can look very similar, it says it will be the opinion of the nurse and that I'll only know for sure if we opt for postmortem. That kinda breaks my heart a little. I want to give my baby a name, an identity, and know who I'm grieving for when I leave the hospital.

xxxx

 

[Jessicahide]

What happened to me and my baby was different but I was personally so glad I held him and kissed him it was my only chance and it gives me great comfot that my hands held his little being and I kissed his little face. That might not make any sense but I know what I mean, but its a completely personal thing xx

 

[lizlemon]

Hello, I'm sorry you ar going through this, I went through a 20w loss 3 years ago. My dh was similar to yours - at first didn't want to hold baby, but then did and now says it was the most special thing for him, then at her funeral service he didn't want one, but then after he said it was such good closure etc. I think they should be able to tell you the sex on delivery, we had a pm so that we could get some more answers.
I would reiterate the other ladies advice to have photos taken, hand prints and foot prints done for your memory box. I bought my lo a small toy so she wouldn't be alone. My baby was also pink in colour and despite some facial abnormalities she was the most beautiful, perfect baby to me - and so worth over coming my fear if looking at her! Xxx

 

[Jessicahide]

Hello darling, I have been thinking about you how are you processing everything? Are you planning on having a service for your little one XXX pm me at anytime if you need to talk XXX

 

[klabro]

I did know the sex of my babies before they were born. Also, you could tell the difference of them both so I would think a nurse would be able to tell you so that you could name your angel.

 

[nessaw]

Hi I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. We lost our twins at 15wks and the nurse was able to tell us they were boys. We took blankets in for them and held them-I wasn't sure before if I could. We also had hand and foot prints and photos. I don't look at them much but they're there when I want to. Sending you love and strength.x

 

[lau86]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's a cruel world x