I don't know where I belong anymore

[LDC]

I'm in the uk too, we lost our little girl just before Christmas 2011 and we also had to wait ages. I think her body was released about 5 weeks later and the gentetic tests came back about 3 months later. The wait is a killer. One way we found solace was to go to Rome on a mini break during half term (I was a teacher at the time) and it made me realise life can be good again xxx

I'm sorry for your loss , especially just before Xmas. I think the wait is going to send me over the edge a little bit if I'm honest. I think we will ntnp if I'm honest in the mean time, or at least after af has arrived. Otherwise were likely to have another baby around the same time Reuben was due and I really couldn't handle that. He was due a week before Dds 3rd birthday. I was kinda hoping to catch again before the end of the year to at least try for a summer baby. I just don't know if I'm being irresponsible if by some miracle I was able to catch before the genetics come back xx

 

[Jessicahide]

After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!

 

[lizlemon]

I caught approx 4 months after the loss - surprised as we had done ivf for the last 2 years.... My Edd was around same time as my loss date, that was hard as the first anniversary was 10 days after Eve's birth. I have to say the pregnancy was wracked full of guilt of wanting a new baby and then dealing with a new born and the anniversary was very hard and a bit of a mind f&&k. However that eased off quickly for me and eve helped healed my heart for me.

Also I was never seen by a brevment midwife and if I wanted councilling it would have been up to me to find, plus I had to be strong for dh who did not cope well with our loss and I needed to be the strong one...... I'm glad time has now passed though it bubbles back to the surface every now and again esp when you have to go through it with medical people with this new pregnacy xxx

 

[LDC]

After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!

I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird.

Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset Xxx

 

[LDC]

I caught approx 4 months after the loss - surprised as we had done ivf for the last 2 years.... My Edd was around same time as my loss date, that was hard as the first anniversary was 10 days after Eve's birth. I have to say the pregnancy was wracked full of guilt of wanting a new baby and then dealing with a new born and the anniversary was very hard and a bit of a mind f&&k. However that eased off quickly for me and eve helped healed my heart for me.

Also I was never seen by a brevment midwife and if I wanted councilling it would have been up to me to find, plus I had to be strong for dh who did not cope well with our loss and I needed to be the strong one...... I'm glad time has now passed though it bubbles back to the surface every now and again esp when you have to go through it with medical people with this new pregnacy xxx

That's amazing to have conceived so quickly. Thank you for sharing how you felt, I think that's all the things that oh is worried about. I feel like I need a focus point, especially with Reuben being so so wanted. I don't want to be scared of trying again, even though I think I'll always be scared if I were to fall pregnant again, particularly losing Reuben so late on.

I'm so glad Eve helped the healing process xx

 

[LDC]

LDC,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.

Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!

Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...

Hugs, Cee

It definitely doesn't sound crazy, I found it comforting last night to be close with oh and just be "normal" although it did also make me strangely emotional too. I'm going to wait until the bleeding stops to have full sex, no one mentioned this to me so thank you for sharing what you were told, it really helps. The bleeding seems to have slowed down a little now, I'm hoping by the end of the week it will have stopped.

It's a week today since I went into hospital to deliver - I can't understand where the time has gone, yet the memory is like I could be delivering again right this second if I close my eyes.

I saw a family member this morning with their newborn. Gah it broke my heart.

Xx

 

[Jessicahide]

After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!

I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird.

Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset Xxx

To be honest I think Alexander is the reason I survived, I was terrified the whole time and I felt like at any main I would lose him too, even after he was here but, I don't know where I would have been without him, I had so much love and mybabby was gone soi spent my days feeling like my heart would give up because it was so broken, I screamed and sobbed when AF arrived.... I just couldn't face what had happened with the emptiness .I was pregnant in 8 weeks after losing Frazer, but it was the longest 8 weeks of my life...

 

[LDC]

After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!

I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird.

Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset Xxx

To be honest I think Alexander is the reason I survived, I was terrified the whole time and I felt like at any main I would lose him too, even after he was here but, I don't know where I would have been without him, I had so much love and mybabby was gone soi spent my days feeling like my heart would give up because it was so broken, I screamed and sobbed when AF arrived.... I just couldn't face what had happened with the emptiness .I was pregnant in 8 weeks after losing Frazer, but it was the longest 8 weeks of my life...

I can imagine how long those 8 weeks felt, I'm really hoping af arrives soon after I stop bleeding. Everything is bitter sweet though, my milk came in and it hurt me emotionally, then it went and that hurt too. It's like nothing can win. I think I'll be the same with the bleeding; sad that it's here because of what it means but then sad when it goes and knowing my body has recovered. It's so surreal.

I'm so glad you have Alexander, he sounds like your saviour and I'm thrilled for you, especially after losing Frazer.

It's been a week today since Reuben was born, feeling strange today. It's the first day I've agreed to see anyone who isn't family (I've literally seen my dad and my in laws) and I know I need to push through and see people. There are still friends who don't even know because I've not seen them or told them. I just keep going back to last week in my head, it's difficult.

Xx

 

[lizlemon]

Big hug, very early days still and will be hard for a few weeks, things like going shopping get you as you suddenly see hundreds of preggos around, sometimes you feel the world will implode. But day by day you get stronger, try to tell people ASAP as each time it takes it all up again, we waited till after Xmas to tell people and it was hard xxx

 

[Jessicahide]

Don't push yourself too much a week is such a short amount of time! He very much is my saviour its been 10 years this year since Frazer was born and I still have not come to terms with it! None of us ever will xxxx how died you feel seeing others today xx

 

[LDC]

You're right, blinking pregnant people or newborns everywhere! Like some kind of epidemic. I've avoided facebook because I have a few people on there who are near their due date and post every little thing on there, it's annoying. Especially when they're moaning about being tired.... That makes me mad.

Today wasn't too bad, my friend came over and was actually normal with me (I've had a lot of sympathetic glances recently). I also put some focus into making us a nice dinner that I had to concentrate on which helped and it felt like a treat.

I need to email work which I really don't want to do. My company has a policy that you must keep in touch with work even if you've got a sick note so that they can essentially say that they're providing me with enough support - I get it but it's stupid. I felt the same when a member of my team was off and I was expected to call them....They can't do anything. I figure I'd rather email than have a phone call.

Do you think I should mention that I've booked to see my dr? My sick note runs out on Friday which is when I've got my drs appointment, I just don't want them to think ill be back - that's if the Dr signs me off. I work as a manager for addiction counsellors and a lot of my work is supporting those addicted to drugs/alcohol and managing my team; so they come to me for clinical supervisions and to offload, I don't think I can handle that at the minute and don't want to be unsupportive to my team or clients xxx

 

[Jessicahide]

To be honest I think if you go to your gp they will sign you off for now.... I took 3 months I think even though I was entitled to full maternity leave I only went back for a few months it was too much for me xx I think it's rather intrusive to expect you to contact them and I think you should be made allowances for as you are grieving a child, you haven't gotten flu. My gp told me to "sod em" when I said they wanted me back at work!

 

[lizlemon]

I was "lucky" as mine happened during Xmas holidays then I was given a week off from school, if I wanted more I would need the dr note (who would have give it to me) I wanted to get back ASAP as I was just a home on my own and needed to keep busy. It was tough esp telling some of my classes that is lost my baby, I cried, they cried too (secondary girls school) but strangely it help me - very different to your work. My friend when she lost her baby at 18werks was off work for 6 weeks. So take the time you need to heal.
Glad seeing your friend went well today
X

 

[EmpireBiscuit]

Hi LDC, my doctor signed me off for 8 weeks, but it's nowhere near enough, I do a job where I'm very much in the public eye, running training courses, workshops, interviewing people etc. There is no way in hell I could be doing that when I'm liable to burst into tears at any moment, and my concentration is shot to shit anyway with not sleeping and being completely distracted, can't concentrate on a thing.

I need to call our HR today and tell them I'm extending my sick leave until after my ante natal checkup and PM results appointment. Even then I don't know if I will manage to return to work (in 3 weeks time), the people I work with give no let up in the pregnancy/baby banter I know this from experience (two losses last year and they still spoke babies in front of me and TO me the week I returned from MC).

What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that going back too early can be damaging to your recovery, and it does depend on the job you're going into and the environment, yours sounds full on at the best of times.

 

[LDC]

Thank you empire, hearing your experience has been really useful. I think my worries too are that if the PM results don't arrive for another 3 months is that I'll end up back at work and all of it will continue to arise if that makes sense? It's like a count down to that date.

I'm so very sorry that your work mates were so oblivious to the obvious harm that they were doing to you - people are so blind sighted at times, it's disappointing and frustrating to think people can't think about the impact they have on others. But then I guess it's the naivity of never having gone through a loss. That and the fact that people just don't think.

It's changed my opinions of things for sure, like with me avoiding facebook. I'd love to write a status of "gosh I'm soooo tired from being sooooo close to my due date". Even though I never did that before (I'm not one for putting my life story on there) it would certainly make me reconsider now, knowing that it is likely that someone on there could have gone through a loss, at any stage of their pregnancy - I know for sure that I have one friend on there who miscarried around 8 weeks and 2 others whose babies were born sleeping at full term.

Tmi alert.... I passed what I think was tissue today (like a piece of liver), it was maybe a bit bigger than the size of a 50p piece. Do you think it's normal? I remember losing that when I had dd by c section however it was huge, I showed the nurse at the time (I was still in hospital, think it was a day after she was born) and I got told that it was ok but she took it away to look at. I haven't had any cramping or anything, nor any additional blood loss to what I had before. Just seems a bit bizarre to happen a week later? Do you think this could signal the end of my bleeding? Yesterday I lost hardly anything.

Xx

 

[lizlemon]

I was told anything large like a satsuma you should call up about it. In a second tri loss it is common for some of the placenta to not come away completely, which in worst case scenario can lead to very heavy bleeding. This happen to a friend about a month after her loss, so may not be picked up really quickly. So 50p size is ok in my opinion but I'm not a dr xxx

 

[LDC]

Thanks, definitely not as big as a satsuma! I had a retained placenta so maybe thats the last part, like you say. Ill keep an eye out, ive got the dr on friday too. Ive had minimal bleeding since so I hope thats the end of the bleeding then I can just focus on af arriving xxx

 

[EmpireBiscuit]

I also passed a little bit of tissue in first AF a week or so ago, and also had retained placenta after delivery, hopefully that's it now. I don't get a post natal check up until 10 weeks after delivery so idk what to do really

The level of care in the NHS where I live is pants

 

[ceve]

LDC,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.

Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!

Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...

Hugs, Cee

It definitely doesn't sound crazy, I found it comforting last night to be close with oh and just be "normal" although it did also make me strangely emotional too. I'm going to wait until the bleeding stops to have full sex, no one mentioned this to me so thank you for sharing what you were told, it really helps. The bleeding seems to have slowed down a little now, I'm hoping by the end of the week it will have stopped.

It's a week today since I went into hospital to deliver - I can't understand where the time has gone, yet the memory is like I could be delivering again right this second if I close my eyes.

I saw a family member this morning with their newborn. Gah it broke my heart.

Xx

Hey LDC,
Wondering how you're doing these days? DH and I decided to get away for a week after the funeral last Friday; it has helped not to be in the same bedroom where I was so sick the weeks before delivering...

I feel the same way about time. It is so strange to think that I lost the twins on 7/7 and it is already 7/24. It makes me so sad, actually, to see the time slipping by. A girlfriend of mine was about 1 month behind me in her pregnancy. She must be catching up to me now. Except I'm actually behind her... Is it awful to be strangely jealous of pregnant women and women with babies? I too went into the hospital to get my pathology records and there were women leaving with newborns EVERYWHERE! I didn't know what to do with myself...

How are you making it through now?

 

[LDC]

I also passed a little bit of tissue in first AF a week or so ago, and also had retained placenta after delivery, hopefully that's it now. I don't get a post natal check up until 10 weeks after delivery so idk what to do really

The level of care in the NHS where I live is pants

That is rubbish, could you book in with the Dr? The hospital didn't even say anything about a follow up for me, but I booked in with my dr today (I needed a sick note) and she did a check of my stomach and general physical and emotional health. She also asked me to book in in 3-4 weeks time with her before I left. Might be an idea for you too? Xxx