I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[devon_91x]

Can I mail her my spare key in case shed like to break into my home, do my laundry and feed my kids without being asked?
She can tell my family anything she wants lol

Lol! Okay i know it sounds crazy that im moaning about it, but im one of these people who don't like people helping. But to take my dirty washing home (espescially seeing as my massive maternity knickers where in there aswell ) is very rude and i just think it invaded my personal space a bit. And to change my bedsheets just says to me she thinks my bedsheets are dirty which is rude. In my opinion you shouldnt go into someones house and just clean things, even if it is dirty. Well i know i wouldnt do that to someone else.

 

[babyjan]

Seems like she's being too kind, I'm sure she meant no harm in washing your clothes but I totally understand you being unconfortable with her washing your dirty underwear x

 

[Larkspur]

I know nobody is trying to be critical but im assuming that you probably have a MIL who you get on well with and have never looked down on you as a parent and condesended you?

This is a woman who made me feel bad for formula feeding and told the rest of OHs family that i stopped breast feeding which made me feel like sh*t. She let herself into my flat whilst in was in hospital (bare in mind ive asked for the key back!) to change my bed sheets and took my washing home - which included my dirty underwear, rude, no? Then told OHs family she was doing my washing because i couldnt do it myself. Shes constantly slates my mum for no reason and makes bitchy remarks about my 15 YEAR OLD sister Also when she was a few days old i walked into the garden to find she had taken a bottle out and started to feed her, without asking me. For the first few weeks i wanted me and OH to be the only ones that fed her, so we could get that "bond". To feed my baby without even asking is just rude.

And yeah before anyone says it, i completly agree that my reasons for not letting her babysit are because i have an issue with her, rather than worry about my child being with her. I would never stop her having contact with my daughter, but at the moment i just dont want her to be alone with her. When, and if, she looks after my LO when i go back to work, she will be 9 months by then and hopefully my feelings would have changed. Plus my LO will be alot older and i will (hopefully) feel more comfortable leaving her with babysitters.

My MIL lives 200 miles away and actually she does have some pretty old-school ideas about child-raising, so I would have to be pretty clear about my 'rules' were she to babysit. She was just 17 herself when she had my OH and by his own description, she wasn't a great mum - too young, not enough coping skills for three small kids. But you know, that was a long time ago now, so I figure she's had time to learn from her mistakes.

Maybe I am more laid-back than most people but I would honestly find it hard to get worked up about my child's grandparent taking my dirty laundry away to wash it (underwear included!) or trying to help out by giving a bottle, even without asking. I don't know about the comments about your mother or sister... if it were me, I would just stop that sort of thing dead in its tracks by asking her not to talk about my family negatively.

It sort of sounds like you made your mind up before starting this thread, but I hope the different perspectives have been helpful in some way.

 

[Liesje]

It sounds like you're just really detail oriented. All I can say is it won't kill your baby to deviate from her routine for a few hours while you go to dinner. My baby's routine is shot if he poops at the wrong time lol, it annoys me but he doesn't seem to notice one way or the other.

 

[MummytoSummer]

All you can do is trust her hun. The same as you'd trust a babysitter or your own mum. If you come home to a happy, clean, fed baby, then she can't have done anything too bad could she?

If you leave clear written rules or guidelines indicating how much to feed/when, her sleep times etc, then even if she uses them as a guideline I'd say let her. If she does pick your lo up when She cries its not going to be the end of the world if it's only once every couple of weeks or so when she babysits. It's not going to cause detriment to your lo's sleeping habits.

That's just my opinion though and at the end of the day it's up to you how you go about it. This is also coming from someone who HATES my mil, but I have no real justification, I try to hide my feelings towards her for my girls'sake and my oh's. It's his mum, I have to remember and respect that. I'd be heartbroken if I thought he felt the same way about my mum. Both his mum and my own mum have different parenting ways than I do (theirs are 30 years old for a start) but I know that bottom line neither will do anything to harm my lo's. That's good enough for me. Ok, so when they babysit I might come home and find my eldest went to bed later than I'd like or my youngest is being cuddled to sleep, but what's the harm for one night. Both my girls have had a lovely night with nan or grandma and my mum or mil have had bonding time, plus me and oh have had valuable couple time. Everyone's a winner.

Sometimes I do think you have to just fight your feelings if they're just personal. If it is down to not wanting to leave her at 7 weeks that's another matter but the fact you've already left her and are willing to leave her with your own mum says that's not the case.

X

 

[mommyof3co]

OP I am totally on your side. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone...if you don't feel comfortable with it do NOT do it. You don't need a reason. If your mommy gut is saying you shouldn't, then you shouldn't. She's already trying to overstep boundaries with you right there, picking her up when you told her not to. If she doesn't respect you with you right there watching why would she respect your wishes when you aren't there, she probably will think she can get away with it. Sure you could set some rules and then if she breaks them not allow her again, but if she gives her her first food, first of all way too early and secondly with you not even there to see it how are you going to feel? I know if it were me I would resent her for it. You should only do what you feel comfortable with, period.

As for the PP that said that you would be really hurt if your little boy's partner treated you that way, I can totally understand...I have 4 boys and probably will never have a girl so I will be that grandma. But if I'm being pushy and disrespectful I would hope I've raised my son to be a good husband and father and stick by his new family..his wife and child..and tell me when I've gone too far. I have a horrible MIL so I definitely have a good example of what NOT to do when my time comes, I hope that my DIL will love me and fully trust me, but if in her gut she feels she shouldn't leave her LO with me, while I might be a little upset or hurt, I still hope she would do what she feels is best for her child.

 

[ttcmikeandme]

Sounds like you already have your mind made up to be honest, but going to give my opinion anyway.

The one thing that kinda irritated me to be honest was your statement that your LO is "your baby" more so than your husbands so it's your call on what to do. To me that is extremely unfair. LO is a product of the two of you, and the baby is not one person's more than the other. Your husband should have as much of a right to decide things as you, it should be a mutual decision.

As far as the things that worry/irritate you, would they still irritate you as much if it was your mom doing them? I totally understand the privacy thing of the underwear (my MIL did that once too, but look at her meaning behind them. Was she just trying to be kind by feeding baby and doing your laundry?

She kind of sounds like a supportive grandmother to me. Ultimately it is your & hubby's decision, so hope you two can work it out!

 

[Angelz79]

I have the same feelings regarding my MIL taking care of my son. She's a lovely lady, but a bit flakey. My LO is 5.5 months now and he has only stayed with her alone for a few hours and although he was fine, I still feel uneasy leaving him with her. I have no qualms about leaving my LO with my own mother, but I think that is because my own mother listens and respects how I want to raise my son. My MIL wanted me to start my LO on solids at 3 months because that's what she did with her boys. My FIL thinks it's "funny" to try to feed my LO things off his plate. So even though I know they would never intentionally do anything to hurt my LO, it bothers me that they even joke about it and makes me worry about leaving my LO alone with them.

People use the argument that their MILs obviously know what they are doing since they raised our OHs, but that does nothing to put me at ease. My OH will be the first to admit that his childhood was the route of all his adult issues.

I say trust your instincts and remember the things your MIL does that bother you the most for when your LO is grown and you are the MIL.

 

[Juicybaby88]

My ds is 15 months now & my mil has never watched him & there are no plans to either, I suffer anxiety and I have real issues with the way she would care for my son! She's quite flaky, doesn't listen to what your saying, gets distracted to easily etc! I appreciate it's her grandchild but it's my son & what I say goes! She can visit or my Dh can take him down there but that's it! If I feel comfortable in the future then I'll cross that bridge! U must always follow ur instincts, it's your child at the end of the day... U cZn never be to careful x

 

[Bex84]

Only do it when u r comfortable. My lo is 14 months and never stayed with anyone else ( before i get lynched my parents and inlaws only see my lo once to every two months they dont know her) me and my mil often have issues i let go. I personally think for people worried how much they will see sons children that as long as u respect boundries u will have a good relationship. Op i know exactly where u r coming from my mil wanted my lo weaned by 8 weeks ( she has obsessions over wheetabix) she keeps asking when im trying for a boy (i love my little girl and am happy to have her shes perfect so why mil cant love her for her i dont know) 7 weeks is very young. Me and dh always discuss decisions and i know he doesent trust his mother with lo. If u do before ready u will stress yourself out. Its not a competition who sees baby more. Maybe if u decide u want her to have her over to your house while u do stuff around house so u can feel comfortable her looking after lo. However i cant really talk as longest i have been from lo is 20 minutes having haircut while my oh looked after lo. Hope everythings works out ok. By the way it would drive me crazy if anyone tried to do my washing etc ...

 

[AP]

I would agree with you OP. It doesnt matter who has had her before, if you aren't comfortable then you shouldn't be forced into a situation. I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust.

I would probably try in the future but if you arent ready now, just don't force yourself


This is coming from someone who has never left the kids with her MIL but I think I have plenty reason

 

[babyblog]

Although you can't help how you feel I think you need to treat all grandparents equally- as long as they are capable of course. I don't really think it's a case of "what I say goes" when your baby has two parents! I say this as a mum of two boys who would hate to be the MiL that isn't allow to look after the grandchildren, and having seen my parents have to take a back seat with my nephew ( my brothers son) .

In terms of caring for your LO when at work, whilst you can of course advise of routines etc I am in the mindset that if they're good enough to look after them then really you need to give them a bit of slack. My mm has mine when I work and I let her get in with it, I wouldn't dream of telling her how to do things as she loves then more than anything and knows how to care for them x

 

[Larkspur]

I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust.

Yes, but presumably her OH did spend the first part of his life with his mother and knows whether he trusts her or not. Does he not get equal say in the care of his child? Does he get to say the OP's mother can't look after the baby because he didn't grow up with her and therefore doesn't trust her as much as his own mum?

 

[AP]

I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust.

Yes, but presumably her OH did spend the first part of his life with his mother and knows whether he trusts her or not. Does he not get equal say in the care of his child? Does he get to say the OP's mother can't look after the baby because he didn't grow up with her and therefore doesn't trust her as much as his own mum?

And that's fair enough, if the OH had an issue with her mum that would need to be addressed too!

 

[devon_91x]

Obviously i know everyone has different opinions and i respect that but i think it really does just come down the to fact that i dont have a good relationship with my MIL. I 1000000% agree that both grandparents should be treated as equal and i would never want to make either grandparent feel left out. Both my mum, and OHs mum and dad see her twice a week. The thing that annoys me is that OHs family expect us to go to their house. I mean occasionally they do pop over here (uninvited) but they constantly want us to go over their house for dinner. Even when LO was 6 days old they made us go round to their house for like 6 hours for a BBQ. If my family want to see LO they appreciate the fact that they need to come to my house.

Just because she is my LOs nan, does that mean my insecurities about her looking after my daughter should just dissapear? I cant help how i feel and what is the point leaving her to go for dinner when i would just spend all my time worrying and not enjoying myself?

 

[MrsKyliePaton]

It amazes me the amount of people that don't trust there mil's, my mil has 6 kids the youngest being twins at 16 years old so I do trust her 100% what does your oh think of the situation? Does he trust his mum? If you both don't trust her then understandable, but I know my husband would be livid if I said to him his mum couldn't look after my girls because she does this that and the next thing, if you maybe give her a list of things to follow she might surprise you but you have to give her chance so she can prove herself trust worthy atleast x

 

[Dk1234]

I think you need to nurture your relationship with your oh. He asked you to dinner and he probably needs some time with you. Lots of new mothers pay all their attention to their LO and forget that relationship needs extra work. Also, if he asked if his mother could keep LO, IMO you should let her. Would you OH honestly out you LO in a bad situation. Just have him discuss the rules with her or you could. It's just dinner and if you time it correctly, with a 7 week old, she could likely sleep the entire or most the time.

 

[Dk1234]

I also agree you have to give her a chance, if she fails you fine. My in laws would do things very different from me but when I give the rules they follow them because they know we control whether or not they see LO much. I think it's a disservice to your LO to play favorites with your mom. Trust me, I know how you feel 100%. I would much prefer my LO be left with my mom but that is my insecurities and aren't well founded. Also, picking her up once isn't gonna harm all your efforts. I know my mil wouldn't do that either so I just let her. Some people can't watch a baby cry without stressing out, no need to get her so stressed while watching your LO.

 

[devon_91x]

I also agree you have to give her a chance, if she fails you fine. My in laws would do things very different from me but when I give the rules they follow them because they know we control whether or not they see LO much. I think it's a disservice to your LO to play favorites with your mom. Trust me, I know how you feel 100%. I would much prefer my LO be left with my mom but that is my insecurities and aren't well founded. Also, picking her up once isn't gonna harm all your efforts. I know my mil wouldn't do that either so I just let her. Some people can't watch a baby cry without stressing out, no need to get her so stressed while watching your LO.

I have said im NOT playing favourites with my mum. And if my MIL is going to get stressed whilst watching my LO then she shouldnt watch her, end of.

 

[Dk1234]

Uh I get stressed all the time when I'm with my LO. Does a crying baby not stress ou out? I wasn't being rude by playing favorites I just meant you let your LO be watched by your mom and not your mil. Surely you trust your OH's judgement.