I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[MrsHedgehog]

I think it's perfectly natural to trust our own mum's more than our MILs. I feel happier leaving LO with my own mum rather than MIL. I've known my mum my whole life but just known MIL for a few years. It takes time to build up trust. Don't let anyone push you into doing something you're not comfortable with. We have to trust our mummy instincts.

 

[Jennifurball]

To all the people saying "If she breaks your rules then fair enough" But if i'm not there when she is watching my LO, how will i know? For all i know she could be breaking my routine, she could be feeding her wheetabix, she could be letting the dog crawl all over her, but how would i know? I think thats what worries me alot. Not just with her, this worries me with my mum aswell.

I totally understand that, like you have to wait for something to go wrong before you put your foot down. I am same with ex MIL, she used to put about 5 blankets on her and it made me so angry, she just kept feeling her hands saying I'm not wrapping her enough, I didn't want to leave her with her cos why should I risk my child not waking up from overheating just to make MIL feel included?

I would get help for nursery then at least you can relax.

 

[_jellybean_]

I disagree that because your the mom, your the main parent, and what you say goes. I think that you should have a conversation with you mil, and with your oh about the way you feel.

 

[whit.]

You would rather some stranger take care of your LO at daycare instead of your MIL?

 

[aliss]

At your LO's age, I think I felt the same way. In fact I recall writing her a long e-mail about how I felt disrespected this/that and how I wasn't going to put up with it etc.

Now, 2 years later, MIL and I get along very well. I will say the first few months of the first baby will be the biggest strain of any MIL/DIL relationship ever. You've got many many years ahead of you with this woman, so I really recommend working on repairing it rather than avoiding it.

It is my personal belief** (personal!!!) that it is important to pick your battles when you are trying to facilitate a grandparent-child relationship. What those battles are, those are for you to decide. I personally have relaxed on the "rules" as time has gone on, I will admit in hindsight, I was far too uptight on some things (I'm saying I was, not you). That at the end of the day, a happy and healthy MIL-DIL relationship is far more important than the minor details.

My mother and grandmother (her MIL) HATED each other, particularly for parenting differences that IMO were just that - differences - and nothing to do with danger/safety etc. That always bummed me out. And sometimes my mom was wrong. And sometimes my grandma was wrong.

I have since taught my son that when he is with his grandparents, he abides by their rules - even if those rules are not necessarily the same as mine. A good relationship with his grandparents (and witnessing me having a good relationship with them) is far more important in the overall picture than the little details. And most of all, as others have said, he's not "my baby my rules". He is "our baby our rules". I am his mother but his father and his grandparents (on both sides), his auntie, they are all authority figures in his life and are to be respected and listened to. Now, this obviously doesn't apply to a 7 week old but the principle is the same.

 

[jenniferttc1]

These threads make me sad reading as a mother to a boy! You have a daughter, so you don't have to put yourself in the "what if one day" situation. Its time to overcome your feeling towards her and let her see her grand baby. She is no less than your mother.
Its not fair, and honestly If I was your husband I would be so disappointed and upset by this. My MIL will never watch my son, but I have a good reason, and thats cause shes an alcoholic and lives in bad conditions. I WISHED I could leave my baby with her, as his grandmother thats her right, but she choosed this path not me.
If she has no issues other than you thinking she's a bitch then you are taking something special between your daughter and your MIL, and that will fall on you. Sorry to be harsh, I don't at all agree with "my mom is okay to watch my child, but not MIL" im sure other moms to boy will understand exactly what I'm saying.
And I say this as a mother who just keeps the peace and not say anything negative towards my MIL.If she was not the way she is (was on drugs when my husband was little, kicked him out at 12 years old, let her boyfriends beat him, and is currently a drunk that sees her grandchild 3 times since he's been born, mind you she lives 20 mins away and when she does see him, she has had to many beers to hold him) I would let her watch him. I feel cheated honestly! Cherish that you have a MIL and loves and WANTS to be there.

 

[whit.]

Aliss, you're not allowed to change your profile picture.

 

[aliss]

Aliss, you're not allowed to change your profile picture.

But I identify with Samuel L Jackson. I'm in every thread and he's in every movie.

Except he gets paid more

 

[Bex84]

I feel sorry for op. It is difficult if u have a controlling mil. You often get judged as being unfair. The ops baby is only 7 weeks old. Her mil has time to build up trust with her. My lo is part of my relationship with my dh since we r a family. I dont want to be away from her so we go out as a family. I am fine with my mil seeing my lo as much as she wants but i dont want to leave lo. It is natural to trust your mum more and usually i know i personally feel much more able to express myself with my mum over how i want my lo bought up. I have a daughter but if i have a son in future who had children i would try and be respectful of dil and as my parents told me we all parent differently and if advice is wanted that u would be there. Just take your time op so u r comfortable your baby is still young u still have years where mil can look after your lo

 

[jenniferttc1]

I feel sorry for op. It is difficult if u have a controlling mil. You often get judged as being unfair. The ops baby is only 7 weeks old. Her mil has time to build up trust with her. My lo is part of my relationship with my dh since we r a family. I dont want to be away from her so we go out as a family. I am fine with my mil seeing my lo as much as she wants but i dont want to leave lo. It is natural to trust your mum more and usually i know i personally feel much more able to express myself with my mum over how i want my lo bought up. I have a daughter but if i have a son in future who had children i would try and be respectful of dil and as my parents told me we all parent differently and if advice is wanted that u would be there. Just take your time op so u r comfortable your baby is still young u still have years where mil can look after your lo

I don't think anyone is going by LO's age at all honestly. I left my son for hours at a time around 6 months old. In my honest opinion is why couldn't trust have been build up before baby came? Or why doubt her parenting? I'm assuming she's with her husband cause he's a good man, which means her MIL did something right and raised a wonderful son and he's still alive. Or what makes you think your own mother doesnt sneak things to LO when your not around? I know my mother does.
I gave views from someone that is not in no way close to her MIL and does not even let her watch him and never EVER will. I look at it as all these people trying to give a good eye opening to the OP, and how its not really fair and doing this is taking away special bonds between both her daughter and MIL.

 

[Bex84]

I can see where u r coming from i really can. I was just expressing its very hard to know full situation. My mil became more controlling since had lo. My mum has very simular parenting to me. I dislike my mil but i encourage a relationship with mil and lo. My dh is lovely but his mother has told me many accidents happening including dropping my dh out of pram twice in busy london street. My daughter will have a good relationship with mil due to i will encorage it. My mil is well known as being controlling and my dh agrees . I think because of my situation i empathise with op, im sure her lo will have a good relationship with her nana but i think every mother finds it difficult to leave lo wirh others to start with

 

[mommyof3co]

Maybe I'm crazy but I would totally rather have a stranger at a daycare take care of my child than my MIL. (Oh and BTW, my mom doesn't watch my kids either because we have issues) But those "strangers" are fully trained and held accountable in many ways to doing what is best for your child...MIL, not so much. Sure MIL loves the kid and I'm sure doesn't want anything to happen but she also has her own view on things and she's shown that she doesn't respect OP's wishes. With a daycare it's a business, you can fire them, you are paying them to do what is best for your child.

I'm really surprised by how many people say she HAS to give her a chance and if she fails then she can say no, first of all, she doesn't HAVE to do anything. And secondly this is a child we are talking about. OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her? Sure it's been little things in front of the OP but if the OP isn't there to watch whose to say she doesn't do whatever she thinks is best and while it might be with no intent to cause any harm if she's not listening to OP and the newest recommendations it could cause harm.

And I too feel that I"m the mom I have the final say. My DH and I have a wonderful relationship and we do compromise and all that, we never fight. BUT if he was wanting to do something that I felt might put the kids in danger, if I say no the answer is no, I don't care what he says. And the same goes for him, if he put his foot down about something I'm not going to just ignore him. But I do feel like I have the final say with the kids...and btw he agrees. I carried them each 9mo, I am the one that has been home with them every single day since birth and do the majority of the caring and raising because I am a stay at home parent so I know them better than anyone else and I do think a mother's intuition or instincts are stronger than a dad's and should be followed.

ETA and just because her DH is a great guy now doesn't mean that that shows MIL is fine. I'm a really great mom and a good person all around but my mom is never allowed to have my kids unsupervised. I was raised by her and my dad (who passed away) and had a really rough childhood. I'm a good person despite my raising. That is definitely not an indicator that MIL is fine to watch the baby.

 

[porkypig]

OP I am totally on your side. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone...if you don't feel comfortable with it do NOT do it. You don't need a reason. If your mommy gut is saying you shouldn't, then you shouldn't. She's already trying to overstep boundaries with you right there, picking her up when you told her not to. If she doesn't respect you with you right there watching why would she respect your wishes when you aren't there, she probably will think she can get away with it. Sure you could set some rules and then if she breaks them not allow her again, but if she gives her her first food, first of all way too early and secondly with you not even there to see it how are you going to feel? I know if it were me I would resent her for it. You should only do what you feel comfortable with, period.

As for the PP that said that you would be really hurt if your little boy's partner treated you that way, I can totally understand...I have 4 boys and probably will never have a girl so I will be that grandma. But if I'm being pushy and disrespectful I would hope I've raised my son to be a good husband and father and stick by his new family..his wife and child..and tell me when I've gone too far. I have a horrible MIL so I definitely have a good example of what NOT to do when my time comes, I hope that my DIL will love me and fully trust me, but if in her gut she feels she shouldn't leave her LO with me, while I might be a little upset or hurt, I still hope she would do what she feels is best for her child.

You are like the dream mil, your boys wives will be very lucky

 

[Soph n Chris]

Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say.......

I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations.

Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....

 

[Jennifurball]

I really don't think you ladies with baby boys should be worrying. These are the 'old school' MIL's we are talking about, not willing to move ahead with new rules/anything out of their comfort zone. If you appreciate how these women make the mummy's feel, as you do, then I am sure you will do your best to make her feel good as a new mum and give her the right support rather than saying 'well I did this 30 years ago'.

 

[mommyof3co]

Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say.......

I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations.

Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....

I don't know if it was partially a reply to me because what I said, I know a few others said it too. But I don't mean to say that my DH (or OP's DH) is less than a parent. Like I said, we compromise. But, for example...if my DH didn't agree with my choice to ERF my kids because it is the safest for them...guess what? They are going to ERF anyway. I will not compromise on their safety because he doesn't understand it. Now luckily, he totally does, just using it as an example. Or if he didn't want me to BF...I'd do it anyway because it's best for them...again not relevant because he does agree. Just like if he really wanted me to leave them with someone he thought was ok but I was uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, I would NOT leave them even if he wanted me to. Granted, thankfully we have a great relationship where if he knew I was uncomfortable he would never expect me to. As the mom I get the final say. But the same goes for him, if he didn't feel comfortable with someone we were leaving the kids with I would expect him to say no, no matter what I said. His loyalty is to our kids, above me. And if he feels they aren't safe somewhere I expect him to step in front of me and say it's not happening...and I will do the same for my kids. It's not about one being less than the other parent.

 

[Larkspur]

OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her?

And some people sacrifice babies in Satanic rituals, yes, you can never be too careful!!

Or... maybe you can be too careful. As far as I can see from this thread, the only things MIL has done in opposition to the OP's wishes are

- pick up a crying baby
- suggest that BF is better than FF
- suggest some Weetbix in formula at three months
- did some washing without being asked

I don't know but this doesn't exactly sound like the sort of reckless woman who might drive around town with an unsecured infant. So it's kind of hysterical to suggest that she is potentially a physical danger to the child. That, to me is the sort of helicopter approach that has resulted in the bridezilla/momzilla culture that you see on TV these days - the attitude that 'It's my day/It's my baby and therefore ANYTHING I say goes', no matter how irrational/inconvenient to anyone else/damaging to relationships.

 

[Soph n Chris]

Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say.......

I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations.

Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....

I don't know if it was partially a reply to me because what I said, I know a few others said it too. But I don't mean to say that my DH (or OP's DH) is less than a parent. Like I said, we compromise. But, for example...if my DH didn't agree with my choice to ERF my kids because it is the safest for them...guess what? They are going to ERF anyway. I will not compromise on their safety because he doesn't understand it. Now luckily, he totally does, just using it as an example. Or if he didn't want me to BF...I'd do it anyway because it's best for them...again not relevant because he does agree. Just like if he really wanted me to leave them with someone he thought was ok but I was uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, I would NOT leave them even if he wanted me to. Granted, thankfully we have a great relationship where if he knew I was uncomfortable he would never expect me to. As the mom I get the final say. But the same goes for him, if he didn't feel comfortable with someone we were leaving the kids with I would expect him to say no, no matter what I said. His loyalty is to our kids, above me. And if he feels they aren't safe somewhere I expect him to step in front of me and say it's not happening...and I will do the same for my kids. It's not about one being less than the other parent.

It wasn't aimed at you I got so far reading the thread and was insensitive that I just spewed what was in my head. I have come across this MY BABY attitude a lot in this forum and honestly most people choose to start the journey together and what you say about joint decisions is perfectly right but you can't go into making a decision jointly with your head in the space of this is My Baby so My choices / feelings matters more.

 

[mommyof3co]

OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her?

And some people sacrifice babies in Satanic rituals, yes, you can never be too careful!!

Or... maybe you can be too careful. As far as I can see from this thread, the only things MIL has done in opposition to the OP's wishes are

- pick up a crying baby
- suggest that BF is better than FF
- suggest some Weetbix in formula at three months
- did some washing without being asked

I don't know but this doesn't exactly sound like the sort of reckless woman who might drive around town with an unsecured infant. So it's kind of hysterical to suggest that she is potentially a physical danger to the child. That, to me is the sort of helicopter approach that has resulted in the bridezilla/momzilla culture that you see on TV these days - the attitude that 'It's my day/It's my baby and therefore ANYTHING I say goes', no matter how irrational/inconvenient to anyone else/damaging to relationships.

Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with. I'm definitely not a helicopter parent but it is MY kid and what I say goes, period. If I don't feel comfortable with someone, no matter who it is, they aren't watching my kid. It's natural that she trusts her own mom more, she knows her more. BUT if her DH doesn't trust her mom then the baby shouldn't be left there either.

 

[Larkspur]

Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with.

I guess we must agree to disagree on this point. I do think it's relevant "what she's done".

I personally feel that a good working relationship with a child's grandparents (and with OHs - let's not forget that the reason for this thread is that he's likely to be upset that the OP doesn't want his mum baby-sitting) is something that ought to be prioritised over what comes down to - in the end - extremely trivial and non-dangerous differences in baby care.