I feel like a single parent - my husband has the baby blues

[ForestCheetah]

I didn't see a forum for depression so I posted this here. We have a 5 month old beautiful little baby boy. I have never been happier, but I will just get straight to the point.

My husband and I moved in together last August, since we were having a baby. Things were great. Our son was born and my husband was just over the moon happy. Even through the sleepless nights neither of us fell into the "baby blues" we heard so much about. Things were fine. Of course we had are tough nights of colic and crying spells, but we both worked together and things were great for the most part (he's really not a fussy baby)...and all our family agree!

Fast forward 5 months later, my husband has been snapping at me recently. At first it was mild, so I overlooked it (I was too busy to really stop and notice it as much of a problem I supposed)...but now it's got to a point where it is effecting my happiness and ability to be a good mom.

He's really been snapping at me around the clock. He either wants nothing to do with me or my son, or he snaps viciously at both of us. It's heart breaking. I asked him what is wrong but he doesn't even want to talk about it at all, he just wants to yell at me. Last night finally brought me to tears. Our son was at our grandparents for a weekend, and when my husband got home with him he looked at me with coldness and said "Well here take him, I don't want him! A mother's love is supposed to be the strongest there is! You deal with him or just move out. I don't want him. I guess your not a good mother since he's crying! I guess you don't love him!"

He literally said all these things within 2 minutes of being home while I warmed up his formula. It just brought me to tears. I sang to my son until he fell asleep, trying not to cave...and cry. I was shaking I felt so hurt and upset. I felt like this had been going on a while, but I was just too busy to notice my husbands behaviour.

It's just getting worse and worse. Thing is, I clean the whole apt we live in, I take care of our son 22 hours per every 24 hours, where my husband feeds him once. He doesn't bond with my son, he just refers to him as a mistake and growls at him for everything.

I'm wondering if he has depression. Because I've never seen him like this before. Nothing I do, or don't do helps. I feel this is really starting to make me feel depressed to the point I wish he wouldn't come home. I feel exhausted and don't want him to use me as his punching bag anymore. He follows me around to yell at me, even if I'm trying to clean or sleep, or play with our son. He yells and yells all day long, with no cool down period...nothing, just constant anger. He's recently been talking about other girls who he finds attractive too, which he never did in the 2 years I've known him. It's making me feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I am not good enough and a bad mom, because he keeps telling me I am. I know I am a good mom though...but he doesn't agree and never will no matter how hard I try. He keeps telling me to move out and give up our son for adoption. Constantly, so I am at this point where I am looking at other apartments...but I don't want to move out.

He never acted this way before. The first 4 months were totally fine...and now he's going down this dark tunnel I can't follow anymore. He's just vicious.

He always says he doesn't mean what he says but then goes right back to yelling 5 mins later. He yells at our cat too...he yells at everyone. In his photos with our son he never smiles. He looks distant and angry.

What should I do? I don't want our family to break apart over this. I feel like a single parent tbh. I feel very alone with this and feel like there is nothing I can do to help.

 

[missk1989]

Im no expert so cannot be certain but my understanding of depression is that you become withdrawn and if anything try to mask it by pretending to be happy, certainly not being mean. It sounds more like there is something going on to cause him stress, problems at work, a financial issue etc. Personally if my husband spoke to me and about our son than way I would kick him out. Even if it was only a temporary measure to try to shock him into realising what he is doing.

 

[Meezerowner]

Quite honestly he sounds like a monster. No way should he be saying those things to you about adoption and calling you a bad parent.

Trust in your own happiness and parenting ability and don't listen to this waste of space. He is trying to undermine you for what ever reason. There is a possibility he is depressed but still the things he is saying/doing are completely unacceptable in a relationship and you have to think of your LO too. While he is small he will not notice perhaps but what if his father keeps saying these things as he grows to understand... he will think he is unwanted and unloved. Plus seeing how his father disrespects and belittles you is not good for his development.

I would walk if I were you or kick him out which ever is applicable. Give him space to decide if he wants to get some help/counselling and sort himself out. But you defo dont need that sort of blight in your life seeing that you said that you are content with motherhood and your LO.

Is it possible he has other problems alcohol, drugs, prior mental illness or issue with work/money that have made this change in him? If he wont talk to you about the problems though you are going nowhere.

Also you might get more replies in the "relationship and home life" section of the forum.

Hope things get better for you.

Edit: Also you should turn to trusted family and friends for support because I would call this mental abuse.

Edit 2: Red flag RE. talking about other women too. There is a possibility he is regretting parenthood and wishing for a carefree life again. Very immature.

 

[Googiepie]

I agree with previous poster. My ex had depression and while we argued and it was like walking on eggshells with him sometimes he definitely did not belittle me the way your OH is. He would sleep majority of the day or just be withdrawn. I would say there is something else going on here. He might be stressed out and not sure how to deal with it but it's not acceptable to speak to you or about your son that way. Have a sit down with him and bring up the issues. If nothing resolves, ask him to move out.

 

[Larkspur]

Do you have family support?

Quite honestly, his behaviour is horrifying and totally unacceptable and I think you need to put some space between you.

I think you need to stand up and say, "I'm not taking this any more. I don't know what's going on with you, but until you are ready to acknowledge and deal with it, I'm not exposing myself and our child to your cruel behaviour any more. I'm going to stay with my parents. If you want to save our marriage, you can start by apologising to me and booking an appointment with a marriage counsellor. If you aren't prepared to do those things, you might as well find yourself a divorce lawyer. Either way, I'm leaving with our son NOW, and I won't be back until I feel safe that you're not going to be yelling at me and abusing me."

I know you don't want your family to break apart, but you can't fix this. HE has to want to fix this. You sound like a great mum and a caring partner (with the patience of a saint) but if you let him treat you mean, he'll keep treating you mean. It's not about you not being good enough. If you tell yourself that, it'll keep you staying, trying to prove that you're good enough. You ARE good enough, and in fact you are TOO GOOD for this kind of treatment. He's the one who has a problem, and whatever it is, I can promise you that it is nothing to do with you.

You should go somewhere right away where people love you and support you.

 

[lisa1980]

Is there any family you could stay with for a while? Purely because it's probably easier for you to leave than to try to get him to go, and that way you'll have some help with LO whilst you work out what you want to do.

You have done nothing wrong. Baby blues or not, this is unacceptable behaviour from him. It's damaging to you and potentially for your child.

I agree with larkspur...you can't work this out unless he wants to change and make the effort. In the meantime you need to ensure that you (and your child) are safe and away from this abuse

Edited to add: I'm not saying you should leave him for good or not try to work it out. If everything was fine before it seems like something has happened to make him like this. I'm just saying it might be easier to work on things if you've got some distance and are somewhere you can think and feel safe and not fearful.

 

[baileybubs]

Having a child is a life changing thing and yes it does test any relationship and causes difficulties but I'm afraid your DHs behaviour is out of order. If he refuses to discuss anything and just yells at you then this is so wrong and unfair on both you and your LO. As others have said I don't think constantly yelling and being aggressive/angry towards you is a sign of depression, it does sound to me more like he cannot handle the pressures of being a parent and is either struggling and therefore needs to ask for help or wishing he wasn't in the situation in which case he needs to discuss this with you and talk about possible trial separation.
You need to tell him he needs to leave or you leave until he either gets help or you agree to end the relationship. I know that might be hard but you have to think of your LO now and none of this will be good for him in the long run. I went through similar with the father of my children but he was more disinterested than yelling or getting angry. He had a gambling problem which caused us further arguments, is it possible he has some sort of addiction or financial problem?
In the end my ex made me so miserable to the point I asked him to leave and he did. I think he wanted out of our family situation but didn't want to be seen as the man who walked away from his kids so he pushed me until I was the one who ended things. Im not saying this is the case with you but it does sound similar especially as he's talking to other women.

Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour though he is out of order and you deserve better.