I just need a moment to be ANGRY.

[ZombieQueen]

Nothing really new, FOB has a new girl, big deal. He still refuses to get divorced because he "wants to try again in a few years" (as if..)

I just spent my entire pregnancy trying my best to be strong, trying to fix out marriage, despite his cheating and lying.. I held my head high and didn't get angry, tried to stay friends, be civil, be kind.. but its been almost a year since things started to get rocky and I've only really gotten ANGRY with him a handful of times.. I felt like if I got mad, it would ruin any chance we had at fixing things.. But now I just want to be mad. I want to scream at him to go f*ck himself. I want to kick things around.. I wish I could have thrown his shit out on the porch when I found him texting that girl.. I wish I hadn't been such a push over, so pathetic and desperate to make things work.. I feel like I cheated myself out of a part of the healing process.. Now I just want to be mad, but I can't.. I can't fight with him because it just feels like a waste of time now.. I don't want to miss my baby girl smiling because I'm too busy fuming. I just feel cheated. Like trying to be a bigger, better person cheated me. Now I'm lonely. I'm alone. I'm so damn exhausted. I try not to let it show to everyone. But I'm spiraling down. I love my LO, but I want a partner in this. I hate my FOB, but I want him here for companionship. I feel like when I go out and hang out with people, it's just masking the pain. I feel like I'm not getting any better, not getting over him, because I never got to be angry. I want to be angry, I just can't seem to get angry...

How unfair is this. It's so fucking unfair. Every cent I have goes to LO, every second of my day goes to LO (and don't get me wrong I love her and being a mom) but he gets to spend his days playing video games, flirting with girls, going to bars, and just have a life in general.. Then he has the fucking NERVE to text me and say "I'm just sad..." Like, FUCK OFF. You get everything you want, you have a daughter who you claim you've always dreamed of, but you don't have to tell anyone you're a dad you can just keep us and her a secret (yeah, never said a single word or posted a single picture of LO on his fb....) all while you play the role of some single guy in the big city, no one has to know.. And yet here I am, covered in stretch marks, fatter than I've ever been, heart shattered, lonely, in a place I never wanted to come back to, and you have the fucking nerve to tell me YOU'RE sad? I hope you get your teeth kicked in and can't afford to get them fixed so women will stay away from your lying ass. I gave this asshole everything and he took my youth and ditched me. UGH.

I get so jealous of other women on the forum who have SOs.. to the point where I'm ready to just not come back on BnB for a while.. There's one in particular, super sweet girl, I love talking with her, but her DH reminds me of my FOB (looks wise) and it makes my stomach churn to see their picture, happy and smiling.. I feel like it's eating me alive. The jealousy.. I want someone.. But I feel like even if I did find a nice man, he's never going to be Ellowyn's daddy. She will always be the step child. i feel like my asshole of a husband deprived my poor baby of something she deserved.. I'm just so fucking fed up with everything. I feel my motivation to do anything slipping away, I just want to lay in bed with baby and sleep my life away.. I only get out of bed to tend to her.. I wish the fake smile I wear could be a real one.. I wish I could punch FOB in the face... I hate him.

 

[Dezireey]

I'm so sorry he did that to you, can't believe he won't divorce you to try again in a few years, how utterly cruel is that. Your life and your LO's life is really going to be better without him in it hunny. One day you will feel better and have less anger and less hate, it just takes time. It's a huge, huge heartbreak and you would not be human if you got over it quickly, be kinder to yourself and accept the anger, dont fight it. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor, I have and it's done me the world of good. my anger with FOB was getting out of control and I was being very verbally abusive to him and it was only stressing me out and it was more detrimental to me, not him.

I'm sure when you find your wonderful new guy, your LO having him as a stepdad won't seem so bad, especially if you fall in love as your love for him will make it seem easier being a stepdad to your LO. And that should be your goal, forget loser FOB and strive to find love again with someone who deserves someone like you. FOB will get his payback one day that's for sure.

Hugs x

 

[emeraldbaby]

I really feel for you. Even though my baby isn't born yet I already identify with a lot of the emotions you expressed. I too feel like my child has been robbed of a proper family and wonder how having a step dad one day would affect things. But the bottom line is, our babies dads chose this for them, not us. We have done the best we could and we are not to blame.
Can't you get a divorce without his Co-operation some how? I wouldn't let him keep such control over your life.
And I would also recommend talking to a counsellor. It doesn't solve everything, but it definitely helps to talk to an objective third party and get your anger and other emotions out.
I get why you feel frustrated that your fob can portray himself as whatever he wants while you guys are in the background and kept like a secret. I know it's hard, but you staying at home and in bed and pining over things is what he wants. Your best revenge would be to move on with your life and let him know by your actions that you are serious and he won't be getting a second chance in a few years time (after he has decided he's had his fill of other women). You are not a back up plan, you are a young, healthy, gorgeous girl with a lot to give that someone will appreciate. Just take it day by day and do little things to get out of the house... like a 20 minute stroll in your neighbourhood, a trip to the shop or a trip to the park.... Keep busy with your precious little girl until that new special someone comes along
You can do this! By taking care of yourself you are showing your daughter that she also deserves better and deserves to only be with a man who will treat her with respect.

Hugs

 

[lemontree12]

Reading your i truely believed i wrote it myself. I know exactly how you are feeling, inside i feel like im ready to explode because my coward never give me closure, hes going on mutliple holidays with his digusting human of a girlfriend which he has been seeing since we he left me. he refuses to wb to messages which i need to know regarding money, i actually feel like hes laughing at me and i feel like the person in the wrong when i have to message him.
i adore my baby more than anything in the world but fob has taken everything that made me a person away, i have no family around, so things i used to take for granted is gone, i cant eat a meal, go to the gym, even to the shop alone. every single thing my daughter needs i do, i know that is what being a mum is about but most woman have their other half to relief a bit.
i feel his selfish ass has already made my daughter have issues, she refuses to be held by anyone, when on her mat she is always looking around for me, she now will only sleep when on me which leaves me absolutely no time to shower, clean my house. like you it kills me my daughter has no dad, or a set of grandparents, why does she deserve that, i just dont no where this is fair.
i love my baby more than anything, but very so often i feel thread in my stomach because i hate my life. i am literally not a person anymore. and will never be the same person again.

i wish there was a bubble where all the ladies on here could live and help eachother

 

[Dezireey]

Lemon, I know you feel so crappy and so do other mums including OP but the ******* FOB keeps winning and takes more and more of your happiness away from you if you let him. Just don't let him. Refuse to think that your life is a problem, do everything you can to make you and LO happy with what you have. There is a bright future ahead of you if you let the past hurt go and grit your teeth and move forward. At the very least you may gain a new circle of 'mum' friends, who in turn can give you more of a social life e.g just going to each others houses with your kids gets you out of your own home

He has taken so much from you already hun, don't let him keep taking what you have left. He won't have an easy life, no-one does. He can't possibly live a great life with the attitude and moral values he has, it's impossible, he is a very selfish individual and others will see that on a regular basis.

chin up Girls xx hugs xx

 

[lemontree12]

Dezireey i need you and your little boy move in with us, your like my own little pick me up im thinking of getting that katie piper book how to turn a negative into a positive.

xx

 

[whatwillbe]

So sorry Hun , I was thinking do you have his home address ? Maybe you could write him a letter, just telling him how angry, hurt he's made you feel.. Maybe not a good idea on the other hand but just to let out those feelings, sorry don't take my advise ! I agree with the pp maybe some counciling will help, I'm being refered to see one and hoping it's going to help, but really he is not worthy of you or your lo, and there is a nice man out there for you , who will be a dad to lo too, keep strong x

 

[Dezireey]

Dezireey i need you and your little boy move in with us, your like my own little pick me up im thinking of getting that katie piper book how to turn a negative into a positive.

xx

Aww thanks sweetie xx we'd have fun with the kiddies I'm sure

Never used to be a glass half full person but I'm 40 next year so maybe I' m suddenly chillin out and being an optimistic old lady despite all the crap FOB has put me through ha!

 

[beanzz]

What an absolute a hole!!! Can't believe he's moved on yet won't divorce you cos he's saving you for later. He's just using your for back up when this girls leaves him. is there seriously no way you can get a divorce? Even with him being with someone else?! He's committed adultery so that must go in your favour for it?

I'm so sorry hun but anyone who is worth having you and your daughter in their life won't think of Ellowyn as just the step child, they'll care for her as if she was their own

 

[Rhio92]

Could have written that post myself

 

[ZombieQueen]

Thanks ladies I'm so sorry some of you are also going through this.. its horrible, I would never wish this situation on anyone.. I'm fed up, he was convincing me to stay married so I could use his military GI bill to pay for my schooling, it was hard to pass up since I was looking at 4 years of school with no other way to pay for it except loans that I really didn't want... But I've actually discovered something else I'd LOVE to do, that I have an opportunity to do that won't require any schooling and pays great, with full benefits. So I'm filing for divorce (or starting the process) ASAP.. I'm going for full custody as well. And if he gives me any hum bug about it, I will contact the military and inform them of his affair, both of them. Both girls are on my side and will speak against him if need be. I saved old text messages, and I have my pregnancy journal on here that's dated with full details of everything he put me through. If the military gets wind of his actions it'll cause him to lose rank or be dishonorably discharged. They are serious when it comes to affairs. And I'm serious when it comes to my baby. He had the nerve to text me tonight saying he's "messed up" and has some things he needs to talk to me about tomorrow, even though I know he's been with some girl all night. Filthy ass. Feels good to be angry at him.. can't wait to be divorced. Even after everything I can't bring myself to date or move on while still legally bound to him.. stupid, but it feels wrong. I'm fiercely loyal..

Hope everyone else is doing well

 

[ZombieQueen]

And beanzz when did you join the single train? Last I remember you were talking about your OH wanting to move into a place with you!

 

[emeraldbaby]

Wow, good on you! So proud of you for taking action. These men need to know that there will be consequences for their actions.
I get what you mean about being fiercely loyal. I couldn't be with anyone else until I get a divorce either. All the best for you and Ellowyn !

 

[beanzz]

So happy you have found something you want to do where you don't need his money! and good on you for getting the divorce started! He doesn't deserve either of you in his life I jumped on a few weeks ago, I just wasn't happy. Feel a little ungrateful after hearing about how some people try their hardest to hold their relationships together and I didnt really try much but I couldn't keep on as we were.

You really are so strong for coping with all of this and being loyal just shows you are a decent person who won't sink to his level.

 

[ZombieQueen]

I'm glad you left an unhappy situation! No reason to feel ungrateful! You did what you had to how's Oakley doing?

 

[Dezireey]

Good for you girl. I hope he gets his bad karma back at him for what he has done. Onwards and upwards! Remember, as far as yourself and your LO are concerned, you have made all the best decisions and been the kindest, better person. I think we all underestimate how our kids will treat us in the future. They will love us buckets and spades for loving them and being their Mummies and never leaving them. I bet there will be a big sigh of relief from you one day when your LO tells you how much she loves you and doesn't need her crappy father around when she has you loving her