I Lied And I Need To Tell The Truth Now. : - {

[Andypanda6570]

Everyone mostly knows my story of how I lost my Ava and that is all true except for one thing. As you all know I was 18 weeks and a half and I was prepared for a D & E the night before well I didn't know what that was until I got home and did some research on it, my best friend knew but she didn't tell me Anyway I went into mild labor at 1 am the night before about 6pm I was fitted with that seaweed stuff that they put up you to open your cervix for the D&E so it will be easier to remove the baby. Well, I didn't say anything about the labor ( To my husband ) it was not that bad then at 5 am it got bad and I took my time telling my husband and I knew my water would break and I would give birth at the hospital as they would not have time to do the procedure cause I was already in hard labor, I knew my labor would be 2 hrs tops and she would be out. But I calculated wrong and as I went to put on my shoes my water broke and she came out on the toilet bowl I don't know why I didn't lay on the floor my instinct was just to run to the toilet, I didn't think it was Ava coming out I just thought maybe I was passing a clot or something. Anyway I never told my husband what I did and I know this whole thing traumatized him As he had to hold the cord up while I was screaming waiting for the EMS. I think if he knew what I have done he would be very angry, I didn't want that operation and I didn't want to be out under the anesthesia , I was so scared. I just can't tell him what i did I have not told anyone till now, am I a bad person for doing this ? I feel awful but i just could not go through with the D & E once I knew what it was, I know it was necessary and I am not saying it is wrong for people but for me it was not the right thing, that is all. So do you think I should admit what I did or just leave it be I feel awful about lying and about what I did to my husband .
Thank You

 

[Mammatotwo]

Oh Andypanda You did what you needed to do for you and your baby that it is not wrong. How could you know what they outcome would have been? How could you have known that it would happen on the toilet. You planned to have her at the hospital and give birth. Your husband will understand, you are just as traumatized as him, that part was not planned. I think trying to have her and bring her into the world naturally was a beautiful thing.
I am so so sorry you have this guilt. But it should not make a difference cause you never planned the way it happened. You just helped your body do what it should do naturally.
So many hugs being sent your way. You are a very brave lady. I wish I could have avoided a D and C but I was too scared not too. You have my admiration. I think when he thinks what you did for your baby he will admire you too. Your baby was 18 weeks and I totally understand why you wanted to avoid a D and C and give birth to her. It is a personal choice and yours to make.

 

[Hellylou]

You poor thing. No, you did exactly the right thing. Although it didn't happen where you wanted it to, it happened the way it needed to happen, for you and for Ava. You didn't want people interfering with a natural process and taking that away from you. I admire your bravery and instinct. You did the right thing, and I am sure your husband will agree if you tell him. Don't be afraid and never feel guilty for doing what your heart told you to do.

Hugs to you xxxxxxx

 

[Brookey]

you did what you thought best and im sure your husband will support you. you are very brave and when it comes to your baby you should never feel guilty, u did what you thought was best xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Please dont feel guilty hun. You have not done anything wrong. While you may feel that your husband has been traumatised by all of this, YOU and YOUR feelings are more important. I dont think your husband will be angry at you for doing what you knew was best for you. You have been through so much. Please stop beating yourself up and allow yourself to heal. It will take time but it will take longer if you keep finding something else to punish yourself over.

 

[mhazzab]

I know that I have never met you, but I get such a feeling of warmth and love from you. What you did, you did for the right reasons. You wanted to give birth to your daughter and to be able to see her after she was born instead of going through the procedure. It's not your fault she came faster than expected.

When you talk of Ava, I can feel the love you have for her, and its obvious that giving birth to her was the right decision for you. I'm sorry you have carried around the guilt of what you did. Only you know whether you should tell your husband, but from what you have written here, it's clear why you did what you did. If you do decide to tell him, make sure you tell him the things you told us. It's true he probably will be upset with you at first but I'm sure he would understand eventually.

you're not a bad person, i've said this before but you are a comfort to so many people on here. i hope you find some peace, whatever you decide to do

xxx

 

[Cassie10]

Don't beat yourself up hun... Like everyone else has said you did what you felt was best for you and Ava.

I too have never met you but you have been an amazing support for me on here so I hate to see you upset and feeling this way.

I'm sure you were both traumatized and had a million emotions going on at that time but I'm sure your husband would understand and respect your decision.

I hope you are able to find some peace hun and just know I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I can't tell you how good I feel about telling the truth, I can't believe how amazing you all are My husband kept saying Andrea lets go lets go and I kept saying i am ok we have time and I knew we didn't I feel in my heart i need to tell him, so I will. We go walking every morning 5 miles and we walk by the ocean so maybe that would be a nice way to tell him, unless he decided to toss me over into the ocean Just kidding. You all are so kind and you all never judge . Thank you for helping me and posting to me, I really love you all.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to get that off your chest; and Ava wanted to meet her mommy, so it was the right thing to do....

best wishes

 

[Cassie10]

And we love you right back! Ok that was a little corny but I was hoping to make you smile!

 

[Andypanda6570]

And we love you right back! Ok that was a little corny but I was hoping to make you smile!

LOL, you did, thanks....

 

[Nikki_d72]

Oh I'm so sorry you are carrying around this guilt, though I don't think you should feel guilty.

As everyone else has said, you did what you felt was right for you and your baby.

For what it's worth, my hubby watched me give birth to my second twin (I didn't admit to myself I was in labour till it was too late, so he didn't get the call in time to see them both born, something I regret too) and he was pretty traumatised, so your hubby would have been whether it was in hospital or at home. It's a pretty traumatic thing alltogether. I also know how premmie labour feels SO different to full term labour, so you couldnt have known how close you were, I didn't either.

I hope you make your decision on whether to tell him or not but please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure he'll understand that you wanted to birth her yourself but you intended it to be in the hospital. Big hugs to you, you're such a sweetie. xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Oh I'm so sorry you are carrying around this guilt, though I don't think you should feel guilty.

As everyone else has said, you did what you felt was right for you and your baby.

For what it's worth, my hubby watched me give birth to my second twin (I didn't admit to myself I was in labour till it was too late, so he didn't get the call in time to see them both born, something I regret too) and he was pretty traumatised, so your hubby would have been whether it was in hospital or at home. It's a pretty traumatic thing alltogether. I also know how premmie labour feels SO different to full term labour, so you couldnt have known how close you were, I didn't either.

I hope you make your decision on whether to tell him or not but please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure he'll understand that you wanted to birth her yourself but you intended it to be in the hospital. Big hugs to you, you're such a sweetie. xxx

Thank you so so much I am so lucky to have all of you , you have no idea how much I appreciate you all

 

[Nikki_d72]

And we have you xxx

 

[Vickieh1981]

I think that it is a purely personal decision. If you feel you need to tell him for closure then do.

I think that you made the right choice. You got to see your little girl and do things naturally and I think that is easier to cope with than never seeing. I was offered a D&E with Isabella but refused because I knew what they would do to her at that stage of pregnancy and I couldn't bear it.

I am sorry you are carrying this guilt. I really think you did nothing wrong though darling. If it would be even a little weight off your mind then discuss it with him xxxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I knew what they would also do to Ava that is why I couldn't let them, I would have died before doing that to her, it is just the way i felt and I don't want to offend anyone else who had it done, I just feel it is a personal choice.


I got very upset yesterday, as most know my SIL got pregnant 8 weeks after I did and she lost her( 6 weeks after I lost Ava) baby at 17 weeks. Well she had the D & E and that is fine but she made a comment that really hurt me. She said her husband was telling the doctor that he thought this D & E was inhumane and that the doctor turned around and said to him NO what happened to your Sister In Law (Meaning me ) was inhumane ??????? First off why would she even tell me that? Second it was NOT inhumane. I was so upset and it hurt me very much. How could people not know what they are saying is killing me inside? I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her out

 

[Digby]

I would kick the Dr's ass for saying that! You poor love - he had no right to start bringing in other family circumstances and tragedies! It's completely unethical! xxxxxx

 

[Justme]

Massive to you hunny x x

 

[Mellybelle]

I knew what they would also do to Ava that is why I couldn't let them, I would have died before doing that to her, it is just the way i felt and I don't want to offend anyone else who had it done, I just feel it is a personal choice.


I got very upset yesterday, as most know my SIL got pregnant 8 weeks after I did and she lost her( 6 weeks after I lost Ava) baby at 17 weeks. Well she had the D & E and that is fine but she made a comment that really hurt me. She said her husband was telling the doctor that he thought this D & E was inhumane and that the doctor turned around and said to him NO what happened to your Sister In Law (Meaning me ) was inhumane ??????? First off why would she even tell me that? Second it was NOT inhumane. I was so upset and it hurt me very much. How could people not know what they are saying is killing me inside? I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her out

Its not inhumane at all. But I think what the doctor is saying is that its inhumane for women to suffer the pain of childbirth, and not get to keep our baby or hear it cry afterwards. But unless someone has gone through it, they wont understand that when we go through that birth, we know this is the last possible thing that we can give our baby. We can give birth to them, knowing that we wont hear that cry. Your SIL suffered the pain of a loss but didnt get to give birth and its almost a part of the healing. I dont know why. I dont understand why she woud say that to you though.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I knew what they would also do to Ava that is why I couldn't let them, I would have died before doing that to her, it is just the way i felt and I don't want to offend anyone else who had it done, I just feel it is a personal choice.


I got very upset yesterday, as most know my SIL got pregnant 8 weeks after I did and she lost her( 6 weeks after I lost Ava) baby at 17 weeks. Well she had the D & E and that is fine but she made a comment that really hurt me. She said her husband was telling the doctor that he thought this D & E was inhumane and that the doctor turned around and said to him NO what happened to your Sister In Law (Meaning me ) was inhumane ??????? First off why would she even tell me that? Second it was NOT inhumane. I was so upset and it hurt me very much. How could people not know what they are saying is killing me inside? I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her out

Its not inhumane at all. But I think what the doctor is saying is that its inhumane for women to suffer the pain of childbirth, and not get to keep our baby or hear it cry afterwards. But unless someone has gone through it, they wont understand that when we go through that birth, we know this is the last possible thing that we can give our baby. We can give birth to them, knowing that we wont hear that cry. Your SIL suffered the pain of a loss but didnt get to give birth and its almost a part of the healing. I dont know why. I dont understand why she woud say that to you though.

I think you are right about what the doctor meant, but the way my Sister In Law said it, she made me feel awful I am so tired of people's careless comments and words to me, one day I am going to loose it and flip out on someone. I am sitting here and I keep thinking how she could have even said that to me??? I mean is she stupid (Well she is a bit loopy ) I just would never hurt another person like that especially my family...