I need majoring advice: budgeting, marriage, and family support.

[motherearth23]

Okay, so I am almost 6 weeks pregnant and the hormones are giving me major mood swings and irritability. I cry multiple times a day when I get frustrated, and feel really anxious when I start thinking about the issues in my life that I need to confront.
No one knows I'm pregnant besides my boyfriend and a few close friends who are also pregnant. My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage around 9 weeks, and although my doctor said it wasn't anything I did, I still think it was out of stress because I was living alone and had to pack up my whole apartment (which I was evicted from) and driving 3,000 miles to my home state all by myself. Okay... now I'm just venting.
Today my mother sat down with me and helped me do my budget. I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, although he has had a very spotty record of helping me out financially. He has done things that have helped me out immensely, and is always there for emotional support, but this kid(age 21) has a lot of growing up to do. The budget eventually came out to be 1,300 a month, included both my expenses and my boyfriends. While we were doing the budget, my mom kept dropping lines like "im glad you dont have kids", or "you and josia should definitely not think of marriage any time soon". it broke my heart, and i had to bite my tongue through it all.
i love josia, and he is the only person i've ever wanted to marry. but since we got pregnant, now it feels like getting married would be stereotypical, and rushed. we dont have the time or money to plan a wedding, even a small one. i mean, he hasnt had a job for 2 months now and i cant make the 600 for rent this month because i have to pay for my car to get fixed (which we share and he drives a lot).
okay. so my question for those of you who are in relationships and are pregnant/have children are:
1. should i get married? it would make my child "legitimate" on the birth certificate, give us a tax break, and may help us get government aid if we need to do so.
2.how did you get financial support in the late months of pregnancy and early months of having a newborn? i am a full time student for spring semester, so i will not have time for anything but a part time job, and i want to stay at home for the first few months so i can exclusively breastfeed and provide child care.
3. how do i tell my mother? she supports me financially, and claims me as a dependant on her taxes. she also has made it clear that she does not want me to have children or a husband.

HELP!!! IM SO OVERWHELMED :'((((

 

[jackiemullins]

Well, I'm on WIC, a federal supplemental food program for pregnant women and children up to 5. If you would qualify, you'd get juice, cereal, milk, eggs, bread, your choice of peanut butter/dry beans/canned beans and cheese. You should look into that. You may qualify for Medicaid, so get a hold of them. Try to find places in your state that help pregnant women. I listed two federal ones, but there may also be local ones where you are! I know that there is a program here called Right from the Start that helps with getting ready for the baby like diapers, clothes, etc... Congratulations and best to luck! You need to tell your mother. She's going to find out either way. It may not be the best, but she may be more angry if you tell her later for not telling her sooner! It's good to have someone to support you also(emotionally). As for marriage, I think you should maybe wait. BUT IT'S UP TO YOU! If you feel like it is right, then go ahead. I think if both mother and father volunteer to sign a paper that the father is still legitimate!

 

[Mommy2be7720]

I totally feel your pain and understand your feelings. I am struggling with some things myself so I know how it feels.

First and foremost, try not to overwhelm yourself because the reality is you ARE pregnant and you are doing the best you can right now and stressing yourself out won't do any good.

1. You really need to tell your mom ASAP because the longer you wait to tell her may just make her upset that you waited so long. She does support you financially and may be upset, she may push that your boyfriend needs to get a job since you will be having a child together, which he needs to try his best to find a job as babies do cost money! (even if you weren't pregnant, he is 21 years old and should be doing his best do support the both of you financially if you are living together)

I would tell your mom by just sitting down with her and tell her you know she may get upset, and it may come as a shock but hope she will support you and that you want to keep the baby and you need her help, love and support.

2. No, you don't need to get married just because you're pregnant. Unless you really see yourself spending your life with your boyfriend then I wouldn't get married. Even if you DO see yourself spending your life with him, I wouldn't rush anything. You can put him on the birth certificate and if you get married just change your babies last name. You will still get a tax break on taxes for having a child.

3. For financial support, you can file for unemployment but that will only last you for a few months I think and that's if you get approved. I know you said you're in school, maybe if you are able to take out an subsidized loan that could help? That way it's not accruing interest while you're in school and that can help you with some extra money until you can work again.

Good luck I really hope everything works out for you!!! Just think positive!

 

[bsd]

Aw hun
Try and relax! I know that's an absolutely pointless thing to say but you don't want to loose this LO so even if it takes convincing (and lying) to yourself that everything is okay, DO IT! just to breathe a little bit!

1. I know what you mean about the marriage thing but I don't think it's the best option! My OH and I have been together for 3 years and we actually have been engaged for almost a year. We know there is absolutely no way we could pay or even have a wedding, so we were going to just do the certificate part and make it 'official' that we were married. It would help out with insurance purposes, his work purposes, and even make me feel a little better that I'll share the last name with my son. Even though me and my OH did have plans to get married in the future we are still opting out of this! Only because we want our marriage and wedding (the one we hopefully will get one day) to be special! Marriage should be for love only, not convenience. Like I said my OH and I did plan on getting married anyways, way before this pregnancy happened but we're still deciding any type of rush at all is NOT GOOD. I still know we will marry one day, but that day will come when it is suppose to!

This doesn't pertain to your questions but what is your boyfriend doing/how is he reacting to this pregnancy? I also know what it's like to have a young (and a little immature) OH but mine stepped up to the plate quite well. Any chance yours will too? because the support will be much needed! I suggest you talk to him about your concerns, because you two are in this together and he needs to put 110% of his effort into helping you and the situatoin!! Do what you have to to push him! If he's not ready to be a dad then don't let him bring you down more, he either needs to help, or get out because you can't afford to take care of a little baby and take care of him!

2. I don't know what country you're in but if it's USA, WIC is a great program and it's definitely something worth looking into! Also the government can offer foodstamps, which is a card with money on it for groceries. If you go to whatever state you're in .gov websites (I'm sure you could google it) they will ask you a bunch of questions and then tell you what you're eligible for!
Working part time and going to school full time in the spring will be tough but try looking for a job now! You're still early in your pregnancy and you could still put a good 6 months at least into a job and since you're so early you don't even need to tell them you're pregnant when you are applying! Even if it's only 20 hours a week any income you get is worth it! And it would definitely help to get a job before spring because then you can get settled into your work before you start up next semester again.
Aslo, talk to your boyfriend!!! He can get a job working full time and if it comes down to you or him that should get one (due to vehicle issues) then make him do it! It'll help him grow up a little bit and realize the reality of life, and he has to get one eventually so the sooner the better!

3. And I know you're scared to tell your mom especially when she's throwing comments like that at you I wanted so badly to not have to depend on my parents for this pregnancy, just because of the way they act too. They make it seem like it's their problem and are so upset/disappointed you could do this and it makes it tough to face them. In the end I had to depend on them because it was the best option for my LO and I, but it does suck. Unfortunately it can't be avoided but it will make you feel better when you get it over with! And you will be so relieved she can also HELP you!! Just sit her down and explain how much trouble you're in right now. Obviously you don't look at your baby as this awful problem but if you approach the conversation like you need help and advice because the situation you put yourself in she will probably go a little easier on the "I told you so's.." This is happening whether she wants it to or not so being your mother she should support you!

This is a very stressful time my dear I've been there and am still going through it. I've bounced around from living here, to living there, to thinking about living on our own, to not being able to. I hate depending on other people but when it came down to it I had no choice. You know that 32 weeks from now when your LO is here there won't be anything else on your mind and it will be all worth it! So try to keep that thought in your head, get excited and look forward to the future. By the way, congrats on your pregnancy I hope we all helped!

 

[kayyheyy]

Definitely look into WIC and Medicaid. It'll all be alright

 

[tinkerbelle93]

You'll be okay hunny, just to add stress does NOT cause miscarriage, there is absolutely no medical evidence to support that it does. Miscarries, especially early ones, are a very common occurrence, usually caused because of errors in the baby's DNA meaning it isn't poised to grow properly. Anyway, i can't help too much because I live in the UK and by the sounds of it, the benefit system is different.. marriage doesn't help you gain anything more here, you're treated the same as couple who aren't married! It's up to you whether you do or don't try and right and list of pros and cons.

It's best to just tell your mother straight and get it over and done with. I delayed telling my mum and dad and I feel really bad for it. She'll come round eventually, if she is upset about it. I know the situation of feeling like nothing will come together, but it really does. xx

 

[motherearth23]

Oh dear. I just realized I said "majoring" instead of "major" in the title for this post. :/ Wow, I am just sooo tired lately.
Thanks for all of the advice! I looked up different government and state programs last night. I think I will apply for TANF, WIC, and food stamps just to get me through the winter and possibly spring. My state offers a Head Start program, but it's not until after the baby is born. But it is something I will look into when the time comes.
I am struggling so bad with including my mother in this whole thing. Even today she told me that I "can't get married". Which I know I can, but if the idea upsets her so badly I don't know if I want to. A few months after I lost my first pregnancy, I finally told her about it. She was so unsympathetic. She basically said "well that was a close one", and told me I'm in no position to have kids, I'm way too young, I don't have money, etc. etc. etc. She has a lot of anxiety problems, and I'm really scared that the news will literally give her a heart attack. She definitely freaked out at me when I told her about the last one, and that was months after I'd lost it. I'm so scared to tell her, I think I'd almost rather tell my father first. He had his first child at 18, and has always warned me about having children at a young age. But I think he will be more understanding. Hopefully. But he lives in another state and I wont see him until January when I will be about 12/13 weeks along.
As for my boyfriend, I am definitely going to wait and take it slow. We've had a great relationship so far (with issues, but who doesnt have relationship trouble every now and then!), and I don't want to jinx it by pushing marriage. A baby is already enough to deal with for now. And he is being very supportive of me so far. With the last, he was not and ended up moving out when I was just 5 weeks. But he was sad when we lost it, as he had just come around to the idea and was excited for me to see him again. It was a really sad time but I feel like it brought us closer together.

It's so weird, yesterday I was having crazy mood swings. Today, I'm fine. Gosh, pregnancy is such a trip.

 

[bsd]

I know what you mean! some days are absolutely awful and then the next day you realize, wow I was really freaking out But its all hormones!
I definitely think you should tell your mom though, if she over reacts then thats her way of handling it even if its not the right way! The longer you wait the worse it could get. Maybe have your boyfriend tell her with you for the extra support. I hope she understands.. tell her you really need her support right now!

 

[aalz]

Listen, my mom was young when I was born and she got married to my dad bcoz her mom forced her into it and I'll be honest, unless you 100% see it working with the bf, don't get married. U don't want ur child to grow up in an unhappy environment feeling as though he/she is at fault bcoz "if it weren't for me, you never would have gotten married and you'd be happy now" is a thought that crosses my mind a lot.. Be careful, congrats and good luck. If you look around you should be able to get on subsidies or something, don't let it hurt ur pride bcoz it takes a strong person to ask for help

 

[jackiemullins]

My grandparents forced my mom when she was 17 to get married with my sister's dad. She ended up having my other sister just a year after my oldest sister. She got a divorce just in her early 20's. She had to go through court for custody. If it wasn't for my grandparents, she would have lost both my sisters to the father. I'm not saying all this to scare you. What I'm trying to say is marriage is not always the best and shouldn't be the first decision just because of a baby. Divorce can be hard for a young child if it happens and financial wise hard also. Just take it steady like you would normally!

 

[motherearth23]

Thank you all for the advice! I think I am definitely going to wait and see how the next few months go. My boyfriend has been very sweet to me and is understanding about how sick and tired I've been feeling. I honestly can't ever see myself not being with him, he is different than any other person I've dated. So I think things will work out in their own way. But I think I will wait until we have had more time to adjust. He still has to find a job and help me out more before we even get close to having this baby. But he told me he was no intention of being "a deadbeat dad" and that he will do everything he can to parent this child with me. And he is excited about it finally. All good things
I had a nightmare that I told my mom I was pregnant when we were driving on the highway and she purposely drove over the line to crash our car into oncoming traffic!!!! OMG I woke up sweating and nearly crying. I am so afraid of her. I think I will definitely tell my aunt or someone else first. It's stressful trying to think of a way to tell her. But I will eventually, I have to. But after that horrible dream, I think I would faint trying to tell her.

Thanks for all these replies, it makes me feel better to read posts on here and realize that many girls in my situation have been successful in their pregnancies and parenting. Thanks all!!