I never understood until now.

[Batman909]

I had heard of women feeling this way about wanting a particular gender and I used to think "oh how silly it doesn't matter" but now I understand. I never thought I would care. But I do people say it doesn't matter and I wanna cry it does matter it matters to me. Nobody is excited anymore before I knew the sex everyone was excited now the only reply I get is "ohhhhhh no" I feel so disconnected from my baby. I can't stand people asking about the baby coz I just want to cry. In my situation this baby has a different father to my other boys. I wanted a girl so I wouldn't have to compare it to my other kids. Sounds so shallow but a girl would be allowed to look different to her brothers. I keep thinking of all the things I will miss. I have a great relationship with my mum and Im trying to accept ill never have that. Boys grow up get married and leave but girls usually stay close to their mothers. Ill never get to buy dolls for her or plait her hair, ill never be mother of the bride or hold her hand in the delivery room and it breaks my heart. As silly as it sounds I feel like I've lost a daughter I never had. I don't know what to do. I feel like a monster for feeling this way. People have given me clothes for him and I can't even look at them. I can't even begin to think about names. I have an auntie who is in her mid fourties and never had kids. She asked my mum what I was doing with my baby and basically said she would have it. Nobody knows how I feel I do all the things I should and pretend I'm happy but inside I feel like crap. It's just not something that you can tell people without them thinking you are horrible. I've taken a year off my studies because I knew if I didn't give all my time to my baby I don't think I would be able to bond. I'm sorry this has turned into a ramble I just had to get this out.

 

[Katt36]

Oh honey you already know I share the same awful feelings. If it means anything at all my 12 year old is by another man other then my husband. We have a two year old boy together and now the one on the way. I can ease your mind by saying that whom the father is matter none at all!!! My 12 year old and two year old are as close as close can be. They don't care if they look different. They are brothers and that bond can't be touched. Your feelings are very much real and valid!! I cringe at some of the awful thoughts I have! I will PM you further with some of those details. Ya they are that awful that I can't post them. I feel like the things I have posted are horrible enough. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you. Then I would wave that wand for myself also. Not sure there is any easy answers to the hurt and loss that goes along with knowing a daughter will never be part of our story. All I can rest my head on these days is that ultimately there is a plan for our lives. What we want isnt always what we need and what we need isn't always what we want. Hard pill to swallow, this I know. Just know that I share in your feelings and pain and anytime you want to vent there is someone who understands and is here without judgement. Big xxxxx to you.

 

[Batman909]

Thank you so much for you kind words. It's much better to feel like your not the only one.

 

[Katt36]

How are you doing hun?