I had heard of women feeling this way about wanting a particular gender and I used to think "oh how silly it doesn't matter" but now I understand. I never thought I would care. But I do people say it doesn't matter and I wanna cry it does matter it matters to me. Nobody is excited anymore before I knew the sex everyone was excited now the only reply I get is "ohhhhhh no" I feel so disconnected from my baby. I can't stand people asking about the baby coz I just want to cry. In my situation this baby has a different father to my other boys. I wanted a girl so I wouldn't have to compare it to my other kids. Sounds so shallow but a girl would be allowed to look different to her brothers. I keep thinking of all the things I will miss. I have a great relationship with my mum and Im trying to accept ill never have that. Boys grow up get married and leave but girls usually stay close to their mothers. Ill never get to buy dolls for her or plait her hair, ill never be mother of the bride or hold her hand in the delivery room and it breaks my heart. As silly as it sounds I feel like I've lost a daughter I never had. I don't know what to do. I feel like a monster for feeling this way. People have given me clothes for him and I can't even look at them. I can't even begin to think about names. I have an auntie who is in her mid fourties and never had kids. She asked my mum what I was doing with my baby and basically said she would have it. Nobody knows how I feel I do all the things I should and pretend I'm happy but inside I feel like crap. It's just not something that you can tell people without them thinking you are horrible. I've taken a year off my studies because I knew if I didn't give all my time to my baby I don't think I would be able to bond. I'm sorry this has turned into a ramble I just had to get this out.