I say I’m not bothered but....

Discussion in 'Gender Disappointment' started by Bittersweet, Feb 8, 2021.

  1. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet Expecting no 2 after losses and premature birth

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    I know this sounds awful. Well to me. I’ve had such a journey for 12 years to become a mum lost a little girl at 13+6 and several early losses l. Then I stopped lived my life a bit went through some horrific relationships and then met my oh. we had our son 3 years ago not without complications and premature birth.
    now we are blessed again with our second. So far on scans all is good. did submit to a Ramzi theory page and told boy.

    honestly I’m gutted if it’s another boy. We won’t have anymore so it’s accepting this is my last pregnancy and mourning the loss of a girl. We don’t intend to find out I say it’s because we don’t mind but I think really it’s because if it’s a boy I don’t want the rest of my pregnancy to feel tainted so I’d rather just wait til birth when il be so relieved we had got that far anyway!

    what can I do? I don’t want to feel this way
     
  2. Flueky88

    Flueky88 Well-Known Member

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    My Ramzi with my 3rd indicated boy, but lo and behold it was my 3rd girl. We are done, I mourned that I'd never have a son and I'm okay with that.

    I had a harder time after finding out dd2 was a girl. My pregnancy was so different and signs pointed to a boy so it hit me really hard. My DH was undecided about a 3rd so I felt like I'd only have 2 girls.

    With my 3rd initially I thought and hoped for a boy, but around 11 or 12 weeks I just decided to start accepting I was having a girl because it'd be easier to process at gender scan. It was a much better experience finding out it was another girl. I was excited and was okay with being a girl mom. I still sometimes feel a bit sad I'll never have my boy, but I love my girls so much as I'm sure you will love you boys if baby 2 is a boy as well.

    It's hard and don't feel guilty about feeling gender disappointment. I found that finding out helped in the long run, it gave me a chance to wrap my head around having the same gender. So before the end of my pregnancy I was excited. I thinking planning and preparing for baby was therapeutic. Everyone is different though and different with how they grieve.
     
  3. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet Expecting no 2 after losses and premature birth

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    Thank you for your response it was really helpful.

    thing is I’m going to be getting multiple scans so if it’s a boy I feel we will likely clock on given we know what it looks like on scans.
    With my son I got a scan at 34 weeks he was head down and the minute the consultant put it on it was right on his crotch. He did apologise and said I hope you already know which we did so it was fine but I guess we would likely gather from scans
     
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  4. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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  5. Jft1

    Jft1 Well-Known Member

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    You might change how you feel as the pregnancy goes on.. and I only say that as I’m in a similar situation.

    I had DS after an ectopic and an early loss. I didn’t care in the slightest about the gender. He’s 14 months now and he’s an absolute delight, I couldn’t possibly love him more.

    We’re now expecting baby #2 which is also our last. Before we conceived I did hope for a girl. My mum and I are so close and I want that mother daughter bond with a child of my own. I had an early scan which the gender pros said girl, but another site said boy for ramzi. I sent my 12 week scan to both and again got one girl and one boy ‘guess’. When I saw the girl one I had got my hopes up, and when I saw the boy one I felt so deflated. I got upset and I cried. I became obsessed with the skull theory and even after the 20 week scan was frantically comparing it to other photos to see if it looked more boyish or girlish. Truth is, I really don’t know what it is, it could go either way.
    Anyway, after the 20 weeks something just changed, I don’t know if it was hormones or if it was me, but I totally accepted having another boy. Instead of longing for the mother daughter bond I thought about it from my sons view. If it’s another boy he’ll have a best friend for life.

    I don’t know what siblings you have, I have one brother. And yeah we’re close enough, but as we’ve got older we have drifted apart a bit I guess just with doing our own thing. Whereas my male friends with brothers are super close to them, go to the pub together etc. And the same with my female friends with sisters. I asked my brother if he would rather have had a brother and as much as he loves me his answer was yes lol. And I guess that made me think, I know brothers and sisters can still have really close bonds, but maybe my son would love a brother and I’d be happy to give him that.
    I can still have an amazing bond with my sons if I end up with two and I feel ok with that now. Yeah I’m sure at some point I’ll wonder what having a daughter would be like, but it is what it is and I just need to count my blessings for what I do have.

    sorry for rambling, I hope that helps and I truly do know where you’re coming from
     
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  6. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet Expecting no 2 after losses and premature birth

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    Thanks both. Yeah my oh has 1 brother and they are super close. I have 1 of each and I’m not any closer to one or the other.
     
  7. gigglebox

    gigglebox My husband only makes Y sperm.

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    huge hugs as I have been there, done this twice! I was the youngest of 3 myself and had two older brothers, and wanted a sister my whole life. When it was time for kids of my own, I was really hoping for a girl. I was ok with kid 1 being a boy, but with kid 2, I was really hoping for "one of each". When that didn't work out, I hoped the third would be a girl, knowing this would likely be our last. Nope, boy again! well now, with the youngest being 2, I can't imagine having a girl. My boys have so much fun playing together, and they all have similar interests (trucks, getting dirty outside, etc.). I'm not sure how a girl would fit into the picture, but I remember my desire for a sister growing up and am kind of glad I didn't have a girl who would be stuck feeling that same way. There are also practical reasons why kids of the same sex are nice to have; toys are about the same, clothes can be handed down, kids can sleep in the same room, etc.

    Also regarding the scan, I would suggest telling the nurse you don't want to know the sex, and let him or her tell you when it's OK to look at the screen.

    Good luck to you!
     
  8. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet Expecting no 2 after losses and premature birth

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    Thank you I really appreciate people sharing their experiences and it seems this feeling does pass.
    Thank you will ensure to try and pass on as we get further on that we don’t know gender so if they needed to go to that area if they can have us look away
     
  9. motherofboys

    motherofboys Home educating, TTC-ing, crazy mum of 5 boys!

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    I spent a lot of time trying to convince people that I was ok with another boy while inside I wasn't. I don't think there are any magic words that will make it all better. Just know that it is ok to feel how you feel right now, and that time will help you find peace if this is your second boy.
     
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  10. Reiko_ctu

    Reiko_ctu Cautiously pregnant after 2 losses in 2020

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    I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this way. I really wanted girls and we had 3 of them... and now after 3 girls I’d like a boy!

    But when I was pregnant with my 3rd, everyone told me it was a boy because I was so incredibly sick. Not sure if that’s a thing but absolutely no one told me it was a girl and I was so annoyed. But I had to prep myself for it being a boy, so I actually made a list of all the things that would be great about having a boy. By the time we found out, I was ok either way with boy or girl (actually I was hoping for a boy but was ok with a girl). So I would say, mourn the possibility of not having a little girl for sure, and then think of allll the positives of having another son and see if that helps. It might not, but it did for me.
     
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  11. Sander

    Sander Well-Known Member

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    Congrats on baby #2!! I have 3 boys and same as above - went through major disappointment, especially with my 2nd. What I realized when he was born though, was he was so different from my older son - and it solidified for me that every baby/child is different and their personality will be what it is regardless of gender. You can have a boy who loves quiet play and chick flicks; or a girl who loves sports and being crazy and rock music. Who knows, lol. When we found out my 3rd was a boy I didn’t even feel a lot of disappointment because by then I knew your baby is just your baby and it doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or girl! It took me a long time (and 3 boys lol) to come to terms with that though. Don’t feel bad about disappointment
     
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  12. motherofboys

    motherofboys Home educating, TTC-ing, crazy mum of 5 boys!

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    This is similar to me. I wanted boys and got them. It wasn't until after my 3rd that I wanted a girl.
     
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