I so wish........

[hulahoop09]

.....our baby could stay in my tummy forever! I know this sounds silly but I am feeling so down today. Some of you may of read my previous posts about my MIL and our wedding day. Anyway I am just feeling like when baby is here she will try and take over and be picking our baby up when she wants and telling me what to and not to do and I just dont want her to!! I get on with her for hubby and because before the wedding issue I got on dead well with her but I find me putting on a front when she is around and fake smiling when I just sometimes wanna scream at certain things she says like 'Put your feet up'. I dont wanna put my f**kin feet up!!!!!!!!

I just dont want to share this baby just want it to be me and hubby and baby and our dog. Want baby to stay inside so we dont have to share. It is grinding me down

xx

 

[Sini]

I feel for you. My MIL can be a handful. Over the years Ive had to learn to ignore most of her rude remarks and "help". She is already giving me tips on how to bring up this baby and what to do and when. She loves pointing out what im doing wrong on a daily basis. I also wish I could just keep this baby for myself, my OH and the people who we can trust and get on with.

MY FIL is a lovely tho, I do wonder how on earth they ended up together

Just wanted to say I think im in a similar boat to you. Hang in there!

 

[Sarah24]

That's awful : ( what does your hubby say about the situation?

 

[hulahoop09]

He kind of gets where I am coming from but it is hard as he is an only child and we cant really say much cause I think sometimes she doesnt realise she can drive us mad! The wedding thing was basically we went abroad to get married (just the 2 of us) and MIL and her partner turned up at the wedding as 'suprise' witnesses!!! Me and hubby were fuming and I cried for months but she doesnt know how we feel and we cant say anything as it would cause upset or anger and just even more of a nightmare! Her doing this totally destroyed how I see my relationship with her but I grin and bare it just for hubby really.


xx

 

[Rude_Reds]

At least u don't have 2 deal with the MIL I had. Imagine she called me a bad mother cuz I breastfed my child (she decided I wasn't giving him enough food). There was a day when she bent down 2 him (in front of me) and said 2 him 'I'm so sorry 4 u with the mother u have'. And my OH was no help.
And would u believe, now after everything when my OH looks at our son and sees just how healthy and happy he is, he keeps telling me that he's so happy I continued breastfeeding him against his mother's wishes.
Thankfully, she doesn't live in the country anymore. She moved to Canada when my son was still very young.
Just wanted to say I know what u're going thru. Hope everything works out hun

 

[Pixie2320]

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her.

If you got along fine with her before the wedding incident, maybe it was just a case of bad judgment - she thought she was doing something to give you a nice surprise etc etc in her mind, when obviously it wasn't something you wanted.

But I don't know that I understand wanting to scream at her for telling you to put your feet up? I'm guessing there's more to it?

But really, you really need to all sit down together and have an adult talk because otherwise it's going to continue eating away at you and driving a wedge between your husband and his mother which he might eventually resent you for fault or no

Just have an honest and frank conversation about how you feel, try not to let hormones get the best of you - and if it continues after you've made everything clear THEN you have a real problem, but until you know that SHE knows her behavior is unacceptable it could really just be a misunderstanding

 

[Sini]

Ive found trying to talk to my MIL absolutely pointless. I can have a more mature conversation with my OH 2 year old nephew.. Ive tried for 6 years to get through to mine and my OH has fallen out with his mom pretty much due to the way she is with me and how she treats me.

I really hope you can sort it out with your one as it will be more relaxing for you to have your LO and enjoy life

 

[hulahoop09]

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her.

If you got along fine with her before the wedding incident, maybe it was just a case of bad judgment - she thought she was doing something to give you a nice surprise etc etc in her mind, when obviously it wasn't something you wanted.

But I don't know that I understand wanting to scream at her for telling you to put your feet up? I'm guessing there's more to it?

But really, you really need to all sit down together and have an adult talk because otherwise it's going to continue eating away at you and driving a wedge between your husband and his mother which he might eventually resent you for fault or no

Just have an honest and frank conversation about how you feel, try not to let hormones get the best of you - and if it continues after you've made everything clear THEN you have a real problem, but until you know that SHE knows her behavior is unacceptable it could really just be a misunderstanding

She knew we didnt want anyone at the wedding (including my parents) and so lord knows why she decided to fly the miles and be there! As for her telling me to put my feet up, it isnt just that I want to scream at her for but that was an example as she tells me EVERY time she sees me and every time she speaks to hubby it just gets REALLY aggravating (sp) but unless you are in the situation I guess it is hard to understand.

Having a conversation just isnt possible as it will either upset her or piss her off and hubby is v.quiet compared to me so wouldnt have the guts to sit down and have a conversation if I even suggested it and I wouldnt want to force something that is going to make him feel uncomfortable. He supports me in how I feel and is not happy with what happened at the wedding and he said it is OUR baby and no one elses. He is v.good and I love him to bits!

xx

 

[Sherileigh]

Personally I believe you should be telling her when she's being inappropriate and rude. You can be nice about it, civil, but you need to talk back. Your husband can have whatever relationship he wants with his mom, but you don't need to be a doormat. My DH is the same way....although he really doesn't have a close relationship with his mother as she was a horrible mother to him growing up. But he doesn't want to make her upset, mostly because he can't deal with those emotions from her. But I always tell him, I have no trouble upsetting her when she's being controlling, she can be pissed at me...so what.
We got married in january, in mexico...she refused to come...thank god!! Then we had a legal requirement ceremony at home...it was a nothing ceremony, of course she turned it into our wedding...she actually invited friends!!! DH said 'what can I do', so I called her and told her she had to uninvite them. I wanted a nothing event...my wedding was in mexico...period. This was a legal requirement in canada...period. She wasn't happy of course...but I couldn't even invite my friends...so what the hell.
Anyway mine is horrible and she truly causes me so much stress on a daily basis and part of it is just me worried that she will try to control things in our family. But I know I will fight her on these issues. I'm not rude or nasty to her, but I do put her in her place when she needs it.
I truly think you need to do the same...this is your life and trust me you don't want to be terrified of her on a regular basis.

 

[Sherileigh]

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her.

If you got along fine with her before the wedding incident, maybe it was just a case of bad judgment - she thought she was doing something to give you a nice surprise etc etc in her mind, when obviously it wasn't something you wanted.

But I don't know that I understand wanting to scream at her for telling you to put your feet up? I'm guessing there's more to it?
But really, you really need to all sit down together and have an adult talk because otherwise it's going to continue eating away at you and driving a wedge between your husband and his mother which he might eventually resent you for fault or no

Just have an honest and frank conversation about how you feel, try not to let hormones get the best of you - and if it continues after you've made everything clear THEN you have a real problem, but until you know that SHE knows her behavior is unacceptable it could really just be a misunderstanding

She knew we didnt want anyone at the wedding (including my parents) and so lord knows why she decided to fly the miles and be there! As for her telling me to put my feet up, it isnt just that I want to scream at her for but that was an example as she tells me EVERY time she sees me and every time she speaks to hubby it just gets REALLY aggravating (sp) but unless you are in the situation I guess it is hard to understand.
Having a conversation just isnt possible as it will either upset her or piss her off and hubby is v.quiet compared to me so wouldnt have the guts to sit down and have a conversation if I even suggested it and I wouldnt want to force something that is going to make him feel uncomfortable. He supports me in how I feel and is not happy with what happened at the wedding and he said it is OUR baby and no one elses. He is v.good and I love him to bits!

xx

My god I get it....possibly because you're an adult...who the heck tells another adult what to do? MIL's that's who!!

 

[hulahoop09]

Personally I believe you should be telling her when she's being inappropriate and rude. You can be nice about it, civil, but you need to talk back. Your husband can have whatever relationship he wants with his mom, but you don't need to be a doormat. My DH is the same way....although he really doesn't have a close relationship with his mother as she was a horrible mother to him growing up. But he doesn't want to make her upset, mostly because he can't deal with those emotions from her. But I always tell him, I have no trouble upsetting her when she's being controlling, she can be pissed at me...so what.
We got married in january, in mexico...she refused to come...thank god!! Then we had a legal requirement ceremony at home...it was a nothing ceremony, of course she turned it into our wedding...she actually invited friends!!! DH said 'what can I do', so I called her and told her she had to uninvite them. I wanted a nothing event...my wedding was in mexico...period. This was a legal requirement in canada...period. She wasn't happy of course...but I couldn't even invite my friends...so what the hell.
Anyway mine is horrible and she truly causes me so much stress on a daily basis and part of it is just me worried that she will try to control things in our family. But I know I will fight her on these issues. I'm not rude or nasty to her, but I do put her in her place when she needs it.
I truly think you need to do the same...this is your life and trust me you don't want to be terrified of her on a regular basis.

Oh gosh what a nightmare!!! My MIL is actually v.lovely (or seems it) but sometimes she tries to force her way onto you in a nice way. For example we had a party when we got back for our wedding and me and my sister dressed the room etc and she tried to tell us how to do it a certain way when me and my sister had already discussed how it was going to be and I had to say 'oh no we want it this way' otherwise it would have been her way. Like you said i think when the baby is her I will have to be firm and say how I want things to go. By all means she will be happy as her grandchild which is fair enough but it is mine and hubby's baby.

xx

 

[hulahoop09]

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her.

If you got along fine with her before the wedding incident, maybe it was just a case of bad judgment - she thought she was doing something to give you a nice surprise etc etc in her mind, when obviously it wasn't something you wanted.

But I don't know that I understand wanting to scream at her for telling you to put your feet up? I'm guessing there's more to it?
But really, you really need to all sit down together and have an adult talk because otherwise it's going to continue eating away at you and driving a wedge between your husband and his mother which he might eventually resent you for fault or no

Just have an honest and frank conversation about how you feel, try not to let hormones get the best of you - and if it continues after you've made everything clear THEN you have a real problem, but until you know that SHE knows her behavior is unacceptable it could really just be a misunderstanding

She knew we didnt want anyone at the wedding (including my parents) and so lord knows why she decided to fly the miles and be there! As for her telling me to put my feet up, it isnt just that I want to scream at her for but that was an example as she tells me EVERY time she sees me and every time she speaks to hubby it just gets REALLY aggravating (sp) but unless you are in the situation I guess it is hard to understand.
Having a conversation just isnt possible as it will either upset her or piss her off and hubby is v.quiet compared to me so wouldnt have the guts to sit down and have a conversation if I even suggested it and I wouldnt want to force something that is going to make him feel uncomfortable. He supports me in how I feel and is not happy with what happened at the wedding and he said it is OUR baby and no one elses. He is v.good and I love him to bits!

xx

My god I get it....possibly because you're an adult...who the heck tells another adult what to do? MIL's that's who!!

Thanks for making me chuckle

xx

 

[Pixie2320]

I understand you don't want to rock the boat and piss her off, but honestly sometimes a conversation can help. Especially with the overbearing I'm just here to "help" mother in laws. If you don't stand up and be forward about it it's just going to keep going and the anger is going to keep building until it explodes and turns very ugly. It's very doable to have a calm adult conversation, there's no need to be confrontational or rude and upsetting, she's an adult if she can't handle being told that she's being a little overbearing she has some growing up to do

My whole point was you need to get it off your chest before it builds pressure and explodes instead of being able to discuss it rationally, know what I mean? I wasn't trying to say you were in the wrong for not wanting her to say things like oh put your feet up, I was just saying that was one example I didn't understand She's got to be told that she's being overbearing and given a chance to change her ways People have a way of being incredibly blind to their own wrongdoings - so it's very possible she just doesn't see what she's doing as wrong- just "helpful" in her mind because obviously, she knows best lol

 

[hulahoop09]

I understand you don't want to rock the boat and piss her off, but honestly sometimes a conversation can help. Especially with the overbearing I'm just here to "help" mother in laws. If you don't stand up and be forward about it it's just going to keep going and the anger is going to keep building until it explodes and turns very ugly. It's very doable to have a calm adult conversation, there's no need to be confrontational or rude and upsetting, she's an adult if she can't handle being told that she's being a little overbearing she has some growing up to do

My whole point was you need to get it off your chest before it builds pressure and explodes instead of being able to discuss it rationally, know what I mean? I wasn't trying to say you were in the wrong for not wanting her to say things like oh put your feet up, I was just saying that was one example I didn't understand She's got to be told that she's being overbearing and given a chance to change her ways People have a way of being incredibly blind to their own wrongdoings - so it's very possible she just doesn't see what she's doing as wrong- just "helpful" in her mind because obviously, she knows best lol

No I totally get what you were saying. Lol. I just dont see a way in which we will be able to sit down and discuss it. Hubby wouldnt be comfortable with it at all and I would be unsure on the reaction. If we sat down and said right we arent happy with what happened on our wedding day etc etc. Lol. It is just so awkward.

xx

 

[hulahoop09]

It will be 2 years this october since we have been married and it has been there since then! I have done well. Lol. xx

 

[Pixie2320]

Forgot to mention- if having a sit down is too confrontational for your hubby it's understandable, maybe you could sit down and write a letter together? Just worded very carefully to be sure you say " Oh I understand that you only want the best and that you're only trying to help and I don't begrudge you that but right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with advice and really want to be able to make my own choices" etc etc

And to clarify, the kick your feet up comment I was just seeing my own mother in law telling me hey, go put your feet up and rest, I'll finish cooking dinner, or whatever thing I was doing when I said Ugh! my feet hurt, or oh my legs are swelling etc etc

 

[Sherileigh]

Personally I believe you should be telling her when she's being inappropriate and rude. You can be nice about it, civil, but you need to talk back. Your husband can have whatever relationship he wants with his mom, but you don't need to be a doormat. My DH is the same way....although he really doesn't have a close relationship with his mother as she was a horrible mother to him growing up. But he doesn't want to make her upset, mostly because he can't deal with those emotions from her. But I always tell him, I have no trouble upsetting her when she's being controlling, she can be pissed at me...so what.
We got married in january, in mexico...she refused to come...thank god!! Then we had a legal requirement ceremony at home...it was a nothing ceremony, of course she turned it into our wedding...she actually invited friends!!! DH said 'what can I do', so I called her and told her she had to uninvite them. I wanted a nothing event...my wedding was in mexico...period. This was a legal requirement in canada...period. She wasn't happy of course...but I couldn't even invite my friends...so what the hell.
Anyway mine is horrible and she truly causes me so much stress on a daily basis and part of it is just me worried that she will try to control things in our family. But I know I will fight her on these issues. I'm not rude or nasty to her, but I do put her in her place when she needs it.
I truly think you need to do the same...this is your life and trust me you don't want to be terrified of her on a regular basis.

Oh gosh what a nightmare!!! My MIL is actually v.lovely (or seems it) but sometimes she tries to force her way onto you in a nice way. For example we had a party when we got back for our wedding and me and my sister dressed the room etc and she tried to tell us how to do it a certain way when me and my sister had already discussed how it was going to be and I had to say 'oh no we want it this way' otherwise it would have been her way. Like you said i think when the baby is her I will have to be firm and say how I want things to go. By all means she will be happy as her grandchild which is fair enough but it is mine and hubby's baby.

xx

Mine can seem lovely...lol. But she's not. Well she is if she gets her own way!

 

[Kasia]

 

[t33cup]

oo dear. I would say make it clear, i understand perfectly not being able to sit down and talk, some women just see that as a fuss or a confrontation even if what you say is nicely put and its all very calm, it will be awkward its not going to be a relaxed/regular conversation,they will be hurt and upset and it will be your fault for 'doing that' lol. I cant believe she turned up at your wedding when everyone knew you both wanted noone else there, she obv wasnt worried about upsetting her son. I know hes not confrontational but you do need his support and you both need to be clear together. I see her thinking "as if im staying away from my own sons wedding!!" and just turning up. She might be blaming you a bit for 'taking her son away', and it sounds like youre being a bit *too* understanding of that? what if her behaviour doesntget better but worse? I would go with the advice from sherileigh up there, one or the other of you needs to let her know when shes being inappropriate it needs dealing with if you want to be a regular part of each others lives. Its not easy. I think she will always have something to say thats some mil for you lol. Keep her in a box at arms length if all else fails! hah. x

 

[hulahoop09]

Thanks! she suggested we go abroad because her and fil divorced and things arent good and me n hubby jst wanted a stress free day. I had no nerves on the day and was so happy then we walk down to get married and her and her partner come out from behind a wall wiv video camera! Tgey flew out there the day before us and got hold of our wedding planner who arranged fir them to be our suorise witnesses behind our back! Even now when i explain it it jst seems unbelieveable! Xx