I want my baby back!

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by Kevsgal, Oct 20, 2008.

  1. Kevsgal

    Kevsgal Mother of one

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    I miscarried at 15 wk+2 just four days ago and even though it was almost expected, I can't believe just how totally and utterly devastated I feel.
    I have a 21 month old daughter and I think that if it wasn't for her I'd be a mess. My bf is being absolutely wonderful though. Cuddles when I need them, a cup of tea or just sitting and holding my hand when I cry (which is a lot)

    On the day the Dr called to confirm my pregnancy, I began to bleed. A scan 10 days later found the baby was okay and was just over 7 wks old. The bleeding carried on for the next 7 wks on and off with clots but with every hospital admittance and scan confirmed our baby was still there growing really well and giving us a big dose of HOPE.
    However, the night of my 27th birthday, the blood and clots just wouldn't stop and within 5 hours, I was sat over a hospital paper bowl in labour, pushing out my little girl. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever been through and to make it worse, as I looked down at my supposedly lifeless child, she tried to take one single breath.

    This image is haunting me. I see it everytime I close my eyes.

    I constantly think of things I could have done differently to keep her safe even though I know there was nothing anyone could have done.
    The hospital have organised a wee service for her burial for tomorrow (which is lovely) even though she was too young to be classed as a stillbirth , but in truth, I'm dreading it. In a way, I don't want to think of her as a real person, just "a pregnancy that didn't take" - as somone said to me before my first scan - but in that one second I saw her try to breathe, everything changed.

    I never knew her and don't know if I'm grieving for her or for the future we didn't get. With every scan she was moving, waving at us and filling us with false hope and now I feel angry with everyone and everything. There's a lump in my throat that won't go away and I just want my baby back safe in my belly with all this being an awful nighmare. This hurts so much.
     
  2. Chris77

    Chris77 Mommy to PJ and Gavin

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    I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: :hugs:
     
  3. Waiting2bMommy

    Waiting2bMommy Levi and Jax's Mommy!

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    Im so very sorry for your loss honey. :hugs::hugs:
     
  4. JASMAK

    JASMAK Mom of three

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    I'm so sorry. :hug:
     
  5. Sweetie

    Sweetie DD, DS, and a Surprise!!!

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    I am so sorry for your loss. We will be thinking of you :hug:
     
  6. Sambatiki

    Sambatiki Finally a Mummy!!

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    :hug: Im sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. :hug:
     
  7. tink

    tink mummy of 5!

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  8. LaDY

    LaDY Mummy Of Two xx

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    Im so sorry hun :hugs:
     
  9. Hevz

    Hevz 4 beautiful children

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    Aww babe, sending lots of hugs and best wishes to you:hugs:


    Losing a child is something that you never "get over" but time does ease the pain a little. Birthdays, Christmas, due dates etc are always particulary hard but with lots of support you can get through them. I have memory boxes for the 2 children that I lost which are really helpful and although you won't have hospital name tags etc you can still put in notes, poems, pic of mummy and Daddy etc and maybe one little outfit/toy that you may have already bought for your baby:hug:. I add notes, letters, poems to mine whenever I feel the need. Somethimes it makes me feel better to look through the boxes and other times I may look through as I need a really good cry, if you know what I mean:cry:

    Hope the funeral isn't too hard for you, I can hardly remember a thing about my babies funerals....I think my brain has blocked that part out:cry:
    Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to:hugs:
     
  10. tiamai

    tiamai New Member

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    The image will fade in time, a lot of time, but it fades and you manage to stop thinking about it all the time.

    I think you can who I am and you know you can call me anytime hun. Take care of yourself. :hug:

    Tia.
     
  11. Kevsgal

    Kevsgal Mother of one

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    Just like to say thank you to everyone for your messages of support.

    The funeral this morning turned out to be lovely. The baby had a beautiful white casket with "Baby Metcalfe" and her date of birth on it. She was treated with a lot of respect and dignity. I was pleasantly suprised that the funeral directors went to so much effort for a council funded miscarriage burial and it made me feel that she had been recognised as a real person.

    Now we're going to try for another baby asap because luckily, my OH understands that it's something I need to do and he feels he needs to too. He's an amazing daddy, right from conception so he's hurting as much as me during this awful time - though, I'll admit, I have been astounded at a majority of medical professionals who basically ignored him and concentrated on me as though he didn't feel it too.

    Has anyone else experienced this kind of sheer ignorance from these people?
     
  12. MadAl_x

    MadAl_x mummy of 1

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    I'm sorry for your loss, I know exactly how you feel, i had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and it was and still is the most awful expierence of my life. It takes lots of time, i'm still trying to take one day at a time...If you ever need someone to talk to, please, IM/PM me!

    Good luck i hope everything gets better for you over time.

    Al x
     
  13. Sovereign

    Sovereign Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun im so so sorry for your loss :hug:
     
  14. moomoo

    moomoo Mumma to 2 & 1 in heaven!

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    So very sorry for your loss XX I seriously think there should be more done to teach doctors and medical profesionals about m/c. It is a real loss, and a lot of people feel as though they werent treated or respected properly. I'm glad the funeral was good (well as good as they can be) Me and my oh decided to try too...i'll keep my fingers crossed for you - maybe we will meet in 1st tri? xx :hugs:
     
  15. Barneyboo

    Barneyboo Mummy of 2 beauty's

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    :hug:There is nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said to you, I just want you to know you and your OH are in my thoughts and prayers and I am so very sorry for your loss x x x x :hug:
     
  16. Cariad_bach

    Cariad_bach mum to 2 boys and 2 girls

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    Im so sorry for your loss hun and all that you and your OH have been through xxxxxxxxx
     
  17. tillymum

    tillymum New mom

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    I'm so sorry for your loss, :hug:
     
  18. Boudica

    Boudica Well-Known Member

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    kevsgal - I have just read your story. I am so sorry:cry:

    :hug:
     
  19. princess_t

    princess_t Proud mom of 1

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    Sorry for your loss hun xx
     
  20. honeybunch2k7

    honeybunch2k7 Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry. :hug:
     

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