Kevsgal
Mother of one
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 21
- Reaction score
- 0
I miscarried at 15 wk+2 just four days ago and even though it was almost expected, I can't believe just how totally and utterly devastated I feel.
I have a 21 month old daughter and I think that if it wasn't for her I'd be a mess. My bf is being absolutely wonderful though. Cuddles when I need them, a cup of tea or just sitting and holding my hand when I cry (which is a lot)
On the day the Dr called to confirm my pregnancy, I began to bleed. A scan 10 days later found the baby was okay and was just over 7 wks old. The bleeding carried on for the next 7 wks on and off with clots but with every hospital admittance and scan confirmed our baby was still there growing really well and giving us a big dose of HOPE.
However, the night of my 27th birthday, the blood and clots just wouldn't stop and within 5 hours, I was sat over a hospital paper bowl in labour, pushing out my little girl. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever been through and to make it worse, as I looked down at my supposedly lifeless child, she tried to take one single breath.
This image is haunting me. I see it everytime I close my eyes.
I constantly think of things I could have done differently to keep her safe even though I know there was nothing anyone could have done.
The hospital have organised a wee service for her burial for tomorrow (which is lovely) even though she was too young to be classed as a stillbirth , but in truth, I'm dreading it. In a way, I don't want to think of her as a real person, just "a pregnancy that didn't take" - as somone said to me before my first scan - but in that one second I saw her try to breathe, everything changed.
I never knew her and don't know if I'm grieving for her or for the future we didn't get. With every scan she was moving, waving at us and filling us with false hope and now I feel angry with everyone and everything. There's a lump in my throat that won't go away and I just want my baby back safe in my belly with all this being an awful nighmare. This hurts so much.
I have a 21 month old daughter and I think that if it wasn't for her I'd be a mess. My bf is being absolutely wonderful though. Cuddles when I need them, a cup of tea or just sitting and holding my hand when I cry (which is a lot)
On the day the Dr called to confirm my pregnancy, I began to bleed. A scan 10 days later found the baby was okay and was just over 7 wks old. The bleeding carried on for the next 7 wks on and off with clots but with every hospital admittance and scan confirmed our baby was still there growing really well and giving us a big dose of HOPE.
However, the night of my 27th birthday, the blood and clots just wouldn't stop and within 5 hours, I was sat over a hospital paper bowl in labour, pushing out my little girl. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever been through and to make it worse, as I looked down at my supposedly lifeless child, she tried to take one single breath.
This image is haunting me. I see it everytime I close my eyes.
I constantly think of things I could have done differently to keep her safe even though I know there was nothing anyone could have done.
The hospital have organised a wee service for her burial for tomorrow (which is lovely) even though she was too young to be classed as a stillbirth , but in truth, I'm dreading it. In a way, I don't want to think of her as a real person, just "a pregnancy that didn't take" - as somone said to me before my first scan - but in that one second I saw her try to breathe, everything changed.
I never knew her and don't know if I'm grieving for her or for the future we didn't get. With every scan she was moving, waving at us and filling us with false hope and now I feel angry with everyone and everything. There's a lump in my throat that won't go away and I just want my baby back safe in my belly with all this being an awful nighmare. This hurts so much.
