If it wasn't so hard to adopt, would you...?

[NorthStar]

OK so I'm on holiday and I've watched a bit of daytime tv, and found myself quite moved by a documentary I watched (why do I torture myself I would never normally watch this kind of stuff?).

So, if it wasn't 4 years + of form filling, home studies, intrusive questioning and no guarantee of a baby at the end of it....would you adopt?

I think we'd still want to at least TRY for a birth child, but also think adoption is a valid way of making a family too.

But having watched the show where this couple really got put through the mill for YEARS (and it seemed like standard practice in the UK!) I was left with the impression that IVF and even using donor eggs is less problematic from a legal point of view.

 

[Bubba3]

Without doubt yes we would. Of course I'm coming from a point of view having had two babies. I seriously don't mean that in a hurtful or insulting way , but I may feel different otherwise. I firmly believe woman who have that maternal instinct , the urge to love and protect can offer a child as much if not more having had to fight so hard . This is very delicate subject matter , however for me I know I could love another child even if I hadn't given birth to them . My own mum has don't this and I watch and feel her love him just like all of us her biological children.
I'm saddened that people who have so very much to offer aren't given an easier journey into parenthood. Of course I respect and understand the need for scrutiny , etc etc , but four years ?? I wish anyone going through the adoption all the very best and seriously respect their commitment .

 

[dachsundmom]

I am adopted, originally for Korea when I was three weeks old; I made it home to the US when I was 4 months old; it's not the time/money/paperwork that scares me.

For anyone who is considering, please know that I have never felt as if I didn't belong in my family or that I was loved any less, my hesitations have nothing to do with that!

 

[Macwooly]

DH & I have watched 2 sets of close friends go through adoption and because of that DH and I have decided adoption is not for us

Both sets of friends were in the same location so dealt with by the same authorities and one set were successful and have 3 children but one couple were refused and I could see no reason for the refusal

They all found it intrusive, stressful and emotional. Also both sets had pets (cats & dogs) and both were told they had to get rid of their pets in order to have their children. Both gave their pets temporarily to friends and got them back after the adoption process was over And the wife of the couple who were refused ended up on antidepressants and she had no history of depression or mental illness before the process started.

I know myself & my DH and if someone told us to part with our dogs & cats both of us would show them the door and tell them to get lost (though not so politely) and DH is reluctant to put me through a process which could mean I ended up struggling with my depression again.

I wouldn't say I have a huge maternal instinct as I was never really broody with my nephews and try very hard not to deal with children but my desire to have a baby which is me & DH is huge so I feel even if I adopted it would not satisfy my desire for a mini me or mini DH.

I have nothing but respect for people who do adopt and feel so pleased for them when it does satisfy their desire for a family.

And whilst I can understand the agency have to be sure about where they place babies/children surely it could be a little easier/friendlier/quicker for the people that want to open their homes and hearts to a child?

 

[NorthStar]

Thanks for your insight DHM.

For sure it is made very very difficult for anyone to adopt in the UK.

I read an article where a couple went through almost 4 years of testing to get approved to get a baby from overseas, got the baby and wanted to add another child to their family and were told that they would have to requalify and jump through all the hoops again, they couldn't face it and had a birthchild instead (they were lucky enough to be able to do this).

 

[Natsby]

Yes for sure, I always wanted to have one adopt one, but we aren´t well off and OH thinks we wouldn´t be approved. It is so frustrating as I would love to give an existing baby or child a good home.

 

[NorthStar]

Me too Natsby, this thread was insipred by daytime tv(!) and by an ad for fostering on my facebook.

Plus a truly inspirational guy I sat next to on a plane recently.

 

[dachsundmom]

In the UK is private adoption an option or is it agency/government only?

 

[future_numan]

My DH is adopted and he always felt loved and belonged..he never had a desire to even look for his birth parents but when it comes to adopting himself..he felt this was his chance to be directly related to someone so he wouldn't even consider adoption.
But for myself I always wanted to adopt a child with Downs ( the reason I choose Down's syndrome is because I have a close family member with it so I understand the needs ) in order to provide a life that they might have never gotten ( depending on the country they were coming from ) but I have looked into this and even if I could convince DH to adopt the cost is well above what we could possible afford !

 

[Macwooly]

In the UK is private adoption an option or is it agency/government only?

Private adoption is an option I believe but suspect it is costly

 

[Natsby]

My cousin recently adopted a baby from Russia, it cost them a lot and she found it really hard. They met him and had to leave him in an orphanage for another 9 months before they could bring him home. All that time he wasn´t getting the one to one care he needed and she must have had that on her mind a lot. Also I get the impression they found it hard bonding in the beginning although my mum saw them recently and said they were doing well.

 

[Storm1jet2]

DH & I have watched 2 sets of close friends go through adoption and because of that DH and I have decided adoption is not for us

Both sets of friends were in the same location so dealt with by the same authorities and one set were successful and have 3 children but one couple were refused and I could see no reason for the refusal

They all found it intrusive, stressful and emotional. Also both sets had pets (cats & dogs) and both were told they had to get rid of their pets in order to have their children. Both gave their pets temporarily to friends and got them back after the adoption process was over And the wife of the couple who were refused ended up on antidepressants and she had no history of depression or mental illness before the process started.

I know myself & my DH and if someone told us to part with our dogs & cats both of us would show them the door and tell them to get lost (though not so politely) and DH is reluctant to put me through a process which could mean I ended up struggling with my depression again.

I wouldn't say I have a huge maternal instinct as I was never really broody with my nephews and try very hard not to deal with children but my desire to have a baby which is me & DH is huge so I feel even if I adopted it would not satisfy my desire for a mini me or mini DH.

I have nothing but respect for people who do adopt and feel so pleased for them when it does satisfy their desire for a family.

And whilst I can understand the agency have to be sure about where they place babies/children surely it could be a little easier/friendlier/quicker for the people that want to open their homes and hearts to a child?

Get rid of pets? WHY! I have a dog and 3 cats - they will NOT be going anywhere when the baby arrives. Thats just horrible

 

[NorthStar]

OMG MAcwooly that is disgraceful that the adoption people wanted them to get rid of their pets!

A person who would dispose of their pet heartlessly is hardly going to be the best parent either.

 

[Macwooly]

I know I was so shocked by it

I think one of the homes was asked specifically due to the child they were wanting to adopt but the other home was asked in the first stages of applying. So it looks like it is something my local agency would ask.

Obviously ask if a potential home has pets as some children will have allergies so not best suited to a home with pets but I grew up with pets and want my children to have that experience. And I'm sure I've read that animals/pets can help children with some learning difficulties such as autism but maybe I am wrong

I am so encouraged though by hearing the stories that many of those adopted always felt loved and wanted

 

[Indigo77]

I would adopt in a heartbeat....OH would be on board 100%... We fostered years ago and almost did....long story and too painful to get into...

But Wooly, my DH was like you and he changed his mind almost immediately...

My sister and her husband are doing it privately...It took them a year to complete the process, and now they are just waiting...We would only do it privately with our own attorneys and it would be an open adoption...

 

[dachsundmom]

I would adopt in a heartbeat....OH would be on board 100%... We fostered years ago and almost did....long story and too painful to get into...

But Wooly, my DH was like you and he changed his mind almost immediately...

My sister and her husband are doing it privately...It took them a year to complete the process, and now they are just waiting...We would only do it privately with our own attorneys and it would be an open adoption...

Having seen both sides of it, I think private is the best alternative, if you have the resources. Agency/ government makes it so tough with all of the restrictions.

But that is an entirely different debate. Lol.

 

[alison29]

No I wouldn't adopt. My 3 sisters were adopted and my niece at 5. We had a lot of family problems growing up. I think genetics play a big role in behaviour and the sister i have crazy K would have fit in with her bio family better (we met them). Her half sister slept with her husband. Talk about JErry Springer. I really get along with one of my sisters so there are exceptions but she is completley different then my mom and I. My niece was adopted at age 5. My sister never bonded right. Since her divorce that child has become a pawn between parents. Neither one really wanting to take care of her anymore. My ex BIL sees her 2 wkends a month BUT now 3 however my sisiter has to pay him for the 3rd weekend. Please dont get mad at me i have even more stories about adopted cousins gone haywire but won't get into that.

 

[alison29]

I know things can go wrong with bio kids too it's just you understand their problems better.

 

[dachsundmom]

No I wouldn't adopt. My 3 sisters were adopted and my niece at 5. We had a lot of family problems growing up. I think genetics play a big role in behaviour and the sister i have crazy K would have fit in with her bio family better (we met them). Her half sister slept with her husband. Talk about JErry Springer. I really get along with one of my sisters so there are exceptions but she is completley different then my mom and I. My niece was adopted at age 5. My sister never bonded right. Since her divorce that child has become a pawn between parents. Neither one really wanting to take care of her anymore. My ex BIL sees her 2 wkends a month BUT now 3 however my sisiter has to pay him for the 3rd weekend. Please dont get mad at me i have even more stories about adopted cousins gone haywire but won't get into that.

No offense taken, but please don't generalize; I totally understand that we all have different family histories. As I stated earlier, I am adopted and I love my family deeply. The gratitude that I have to my parents is immeasurable.

I am very sorry that it hasn't worked out for your family, but there really are succesdus.

 

[onmymind17]

OK so I'm on holiday and I've watched a bit of daytime tv, and found myself quite moved by a documentary I watched (why do I torture myself I would never normally watch this kind of stuff?).

So, if it wasn't 4 years + of form filling, home studies, intrusive questioning and no guarantee of a baby at the end of it....would you adopt?

I think we'd still want to at least TRY for a birth child, but also think adoption is a valid way of making a family too.

But having watched the show where this couple really got put through the mill for YEARS (and it seemed like standard practice in the UK!) I was left with the impression that IVF and even using donor eggs is less problematic from a legal point of view.

My dh and i have talked about adopting, and using donor eggs, we decided it was not for us, i so want a baby that is a part of us, and a part of my dad that passed away 2 years ago, i just cant do it right now, couple years from now, it might change, but i am not ready to give up just yet.