If your baby went to the SCBU (or NICU, or wherever!)...

[GingerNut]

...what did your other half do?

This bothered me for an unreasonable number of months last time (not helped by PND - I really was a mess!) and I want to know what I can reasonably ask him to do this time, without being a selfish wagon.

When DD was born, there was a team of paediatricians there to deal with her because I'm diabetic, so she was whisked off to the corner with them as soon as she was fairly out. Once they'd checked her over, she was bundled up in a blanket, handed to me for about 15 seconds, then taken back and brought to the SCBU to be given formula (she had blood sugar issues). DH went with them, naturally, as I couldn't.

He was gone for over two hours. In the meantime, I delivered the placenta, got stitched up, was brought coffee and toast for two, and was left alone while the midwives went to do their paperwork.

I sat there for ages, unable to reach the coffee and toast, or even my phone to try and find someone to talk to - I'd had an epidural and was still attached to 3 drips so I really couldn't move.

After the two hours, a midwife came back in and gave out that DH wasn't there, because she wanted to get me washed and moved elsewhere. She had to go and find DH and bring him back for his coffee and toast. Then he stayed to help me wash and came to the ward with me for a few minutes before heading home (it was 1am at this stage, so that was fair enough!).

I never got so much as a kiss or a 'well done' after the birth, and I barely saw him at all till the next day. I felt a bit bad that after the birth, when I had expected warm fuzzy loved-up feelings, I was sitting immobile in a pool of gunk, on my own, with nothing to do but stare at the walls for two hours.

I know I sound horribly whiny and selfish, and it was natural that he'd want to spend time with his new DD (I would have if I could!). And considering how untraumatic my labour and birth were, I have no right to complain, really. But the sadness and loneliness of that time stayed with me for months (mostly due to PND, as I said earlier) and I'd like to avoid that next time if I can (this baby will be going to the SCBU as well).

What do new dads normally do in this situation?

 

[Shmead]

I feel confident that my husband would go with the baby. If there was anything wrong, we'd both want him to be on hand to make any decisions that had to be made or just to watch and understand what was happening.

But your feelings of abandonment are perfectly normal. Perhaps you can arrange ahead of time for a friend or family member to be there to stay with you?

 

[GingerNut]

No, I wouldn't be happy having anyone else there; I'm too private a person to let anyone see me in that state!

I didn't mind him going, I just thought he stayed for a very long time. There were no decisions to be made aside from which formula to give her. Once she was fed, they weighed and dressed her, then put her down for a sleep. At that stage I would have thought he'd have come back to check on me, or even just to tell me she was fed and settled. The midwives were surprised too.

 

[Shmead]

Obviously the two of you need to find a solution that works for both of you, but I will say that even though I haven't even had this baby yet, I know that if I had to chose between sitting with my sick baby or sitting with my sick husband, I'd be with the baby. Sure, nothing happened last time, but if a baby is in the SCBU, it's because they are worried something might happen, and I'd have an almost physical need to be there just in case something did happen.

Are you allowed to use cell phones in your hospital? Constant texting or talking, and sending pictures, might help you feel like the three of you were together. Or he could come check on you on a regular schedule--how far apart are the two? If it's only a few minutes' walk, he could come down every 20-30 minutes, spend 5 minutes, and go back.

 

[lynnikins]

my son went to the scbu but it was nearly 24 hrs after he was born that he went caus they discovered his problems. it was 2am and DH wasnt there he had been there till after midnight in my room but gone home and when they came with the blood test results and to get DS1 then i was on my own so the MW helped me get ready and go over with him and i stayed with him for about 20 min more then went back to bed with my MW telling me to get as much rest as i could while ds1 was Nil by mouth ( in case he needed a transfusion ) caus i was gonna be back and forth for every feed and nappychange while he was there.

 

[Minnyb]

My DH went with our little girl to SCBU when I delivered her six weeks early. I remember telling him to go with her because I knew he was worried for her, as was I. He was only gone around half an hour but I completely understand how you felt as I felt exactly the same. I had had the most traumatic labour, had an infection, wasn't even in a proper delivery room as the ward was so full and I led there bleeding and alone (not even tea and toast!), until my DH returned. The staff were no-where to be seen and it was very lonely and quite frightening to be honest! I was grateful when OH turned up again afterwards -he had just gone to make sure all was well and hadn't lingered as he was worried about me too thankfully! I imagine your OH was just worried about the baby which is why he stayed away longer, but I would definitely let him know how you feel. He needs to make sure he's available for both of you. Hope it alls goes well.

 

[Srrme]

My son was born a lot earlier, and whisked off to the NICU after I held him for 10 seconds maybe. My husband stayed with me after the birth, and I'm glad he did. It was a very emotional time for us, and we needed each others company more than anything. (We weren't allowed to see our son for an hour after the birth.)

 

[GingerNut]

My son was born a lot earlier, and whisked off to the NICU after I held him for 10 seconds maybe. My husband stayed with me after the birth, and I'm glad he did. It was a very emotional time for us, and we needed each others company more than anything. (We weren't allowed to see our son for an hour after the birth.)

You see, this is the confusing thing for me: even though I know he needed to see his new daughter, I was an emotional wreck and needed support too! It's a tough one. I'm nearly toying with the idea of having my mum there so if he does disappear again I won't be left alone. I'm not sure if I could live with her seeing me in that state though!

Shmead, the staff were happy with her and she was sleeping soundly after a good feed to bring up her blood sugar. And to be honest, while a new father certainly has a right to be concerned about his new baby, he still has a certain responsibility towards his labouring wife. Just because the baby is out doesn't mean the mother is out of the woods physically, and a new mammy whose baby has just been taken away from her has some pretty urgent emotional needs too.

 

[FeistyMom]

This was tough for my folks' when my brother was born. It was a traumatic birth - mom's blood pressure bottomed out, baby was born grey (his initial birth certificate said stillborn!), and dad passed out. Baby bro had his first helicopter flight across town to the NICU and I *think* dad went with him, but mom wasn't in good enough shape yet. So she was basically on her on in a different hospital until she could get up to the other hospital. It was really rough, but dad ended up spending more time with mom than with the baby over those first few days, and taking care of the rest of us so that she could spend as much time as possible with my brother.

I think the important thing is to talk it out with your hubby beforehand, kind of birthplan style - something along the lines of how much you appreciated how great he was with bonding with your first, but how scared/alone you felt and how much you rely on him to help your spirits bounce back after labor/delivery.

It is definitely rough, but I think it is totally understandable that you need and want more support this time around, especially since you can prepare more ahead of time because you know what to expect!

 

[Floralaura]

I was the other way round..LO was taken to SCBU mins after being born. OH stayed with me and I ended up sending him off there too see LO and to get a pic for me to see him. Then when OH came back I felt so guilty that OH was with me and LO was 'alone' (as in without a Parent). Then my Mum and Brother came and I made OH take them to see LO rather than stay with me?
You know what I deduce? We cant win..if we do it one way we will always have a touch of guilt/regret/annoyance for not doing it the other..x

 

[Aunty E]

OH held Imogen after she was resussed, while they discussed how brain damaged she was likely to be over the operating table where I was being stitched up after her forceps delivery. Then they took her to SCBU and OH went with her. He stayed there while I was transferred to recovery and came to find me once they started doing nasty stabby tests on her. Nobody was with her until the next morning when I went to visit SCBU. I feel a bit bad about that, but I wasn't in any shape to move for the next few hours and OH had to work the next day, so there wasn't really any alternative. I'm glad he went with her, and glad he came back for me too. I think it's the best we could have done in the circumstances.

 

[AP]

I never seen LO for about 7 hours? My partner wasnt even allowed near me during the whole labour. LO got whisked away in a plastic bag to keep her warm and i would have sent OH up with her if he had have been allowed. Any parent contact or presence is important to me. When it was time, we both went together.

 

[Natsku]

When Maria was born it wasn't til after I had been stitched up etc that they realised something was wrong with her and then the doctor took her away to another room (rather than straight to SCBU) and OH went with her and my midwife finished her shift so she left so I was left all alone on the bed for about an hour or so.
OH and the doctor then came back to tell me what happened and Maria went to SCBU with the nurses. OH helped me get dressed then took me in the wheelchair to see her. We both stayed with her for a while but then I had to go to the ward and OH had to go home as it was 2am and then I wasn't allowed to leave the ward to go see her til 6

I'm kinda glad OH went with her at first while they checked her over to see if she needed to go to SCBU but I did feel abandoned and I had no idea what was going on with her

 

[Wantabean]

i had to have an emergancy section with a general so oh wasnt allowed in the room with me. i woke up 2 hours later oblivious to what had happened and in general a little confused as to where oh and baby were. i got handed a pic of Cameron then oh and mum came in the room. they didnt know either and had been left sitting in a room for 2hours without anyone telling them anything. I could not bare the thought of my lo in nnicu without a parent there but oh refused to leave me(he wouldnt have been allowed anyway). we got told Cam wasnt gonna make it so we got to go seem him 4hours after he was born and had to make christening arrangements. if this lo has to go to nnicu i will be demanding oh to go with him coz i could not bare the thought of another baby lying there surrounded by strangers again. i am racked with guilt everyday that cameron was left for 4 hours without either of his parents with him. what happens to me happens but i NEED to know my baby is ok. neither me or oh could cope with having to wait that long for news again. i would have my mum on stand by again so i wouldnt be left myself xxx

 

[Feathers]

My OH was with me which they requested until baby was settled then I sent him up to her as soon as I could. He stayed for an hour with her then came back to me and went between the two of us until I could get into a wheelchair after the section and he took me up that night with still numb legs lol.

 

[lozzy21]

Niamh had to go up to special care to have a canular put in her hand, OH and my mum went with her and MIL stayed with me but even if it had just been me and him i would have sent him with her and gave instructions not to come back with out her. If i couldent go with her i wasennt having her left on her own when some one was able to be with her.