I'm new and WTT

[Fly]

Hello All

here's my story: I have one DD, who is five years old. I split up with her father before she was born (we were very young and it was an unplanned pregnancy) but we share her care and everything is very stable - we all get on well. I have a new partner (well, not so new - we've been together 4 years now) and we're planning to get married very soon. I'm 27, he's 28.

I'd love to have a baby - am desperate, in fact. Surprise to me, as I never thought I'd have another one, but in the past six months or so my 'switch' has been gradually turning on and now it is all I can think about.

We rent a house, but it's big enough for the three of us plus one more, we have plenty of savings, no debt and we're both in good health. My job is freelance but the income is fairly stable, and I have the option of returning to a job in employment any time I like, which has all the mat. leave benefits etc. The freelance work is something I can do from home, brings in excellent money and would be easy to continue through pregnancy and, on a part-time basis, after a baby is born.

The only draw-back is that my partner will be starting a three year course in the next month, and although he wants a baby, he doesn't want to do it at the same time as having this course. His point of view is that he'd not be able to devote himself fully to his course or to the new baby, and he'd rather wait. For THREE YEARS.

I do understand his point of view, and I really don't want to make him do something he isn't 100% ready for. But I think he'd either be studying, or working, and as we're lucky enough to not worry too much about money (even if he's not working and I have to scale back the freelance work we'd still manage fine - and have savings to dip into if needed) he might as well be studying, as he'd been a bit more flexible during the day, and able to do some of his work at home too.

I know he comes round to ideas gradually, and I know that he hasn't started his course yet so isn't fully sure of the demands it is going to make on him both time wise and emotionally. I'd like to us to keep talking about it, so that he can (I hope) gradually bring the date forward from three years.

Do you have any advice for me about bringing up this topic in a relaxed way - one that will reassure him that he will cope, and that there will never be a perfect time? I really don't want to put pressure on him, but the thought of waiting three years drives me mad.

Fly

 

[Fly]

Have I broken some forum rule? Is there a reason why everyone is ignoring my post?

 

[morri]

Hey no, Nothing to worry about.

Although I cant say either that I have any advice .Maybe he comes to the idea and changes his mind when he sees how much course work he has and maybe starts earlier?.

 

[lozzy21]

Hi and welcome to WTT.

Its a tricky one that you need to sort out with your OH.

Men can be such a pain in the arse some times.

 

[MissMuffet]

Hi and welcome! Maybe instead of waiting until he finishes the course you could just wait and see exactly how "demanding" the course is once he has started. If it's not too complicated maybe he'll agree to bring the date forward.

 

[Fly]

Thanks all - thanks for your replies and advice. This has really been getting me down.

Right now, he's very certain that he wants to wait until he finishes the course before any baby is born - that means we won't be able to start trying until Sept / October 2011!

We've had a few heart to hearts, and agreed to talk about it again in six months time, once he's got a better idea of what the demands of the course will be. I'm sure we can do both, but he isn't.

So now I just need to keep my mind off it until then... easier said than done!

 

[PeanutBean]

What kind of course is it? I reckon my DH would've had more time for paternal enjoyment while doing his degree than he has in FT work now. He'd love to be home more. Having done a degree and other courses myself I also think the load is generally easier than in FT, even if it might be a more demanding experience than some lines of work one is usually doing it because one wants to (unlike some jobs!) and there is usually more time really.

I guess my only advice is to be patient with him and give it some time. It's different but my DH is three and a half years younger than me so I was ready for marriage and a baby in advance of him but he came around in his own time (which wasn't too long for me) and is arguable the best and most devoted father in the world!

I've only just joined myself, but welcome to WTT!

 

[LadyofRohan]

I agree with the others in saying that maybe you should assess how demanding the course is before bringing up the topic.

DH has been working on his PhD part time while working full time for the past two years. The reason why we are WTT is because of this. He literally goes to work, comes home and cooks dinner (or goes to class), and then goes upstairs to study. He takes one night off a week for 'us' time (as in he doesn't study at all that night, but spends the whole time with me) but the rest of the weekend is spent studying. It's very very demanding and it takes up all of his time.

I know I don't want to have a newborn and a DH who spends his whole time studying. He has been working so hard to finish his PhD that I wouldn't want to slow him down or take away from his study time, which a baby would definitely do.

In our situation, it's just much better for us to wait. DH wants to spend as much time as possible with our baby, and he can't do that and worry about finishing his PhD at the same time.

Yes, waiting is annoying and frustrating, but in the end it's much better. I want my DH to be around when we have a newborn, not upstairs in the study 6 nights out of the week.

I hope this makes sense, I was kind of just rambling on....

 

[LadyofRohan]

Oh and it usually takes a while for people to reply to posts....we're all on different time zones here So no worries.

 

[Fly]

What kind of course is it? I reckon my DH would've had more time for paternal enjoyment while doing his degree than he has in FT work now. He'd love to be home more. Having done a degree and other courses myself I also think the load is generally easier than in FT, even if it might be a more demanding experience than some lines of work one is usually doing it because one wants to (unlike some jobs!) and there is usually more time really.

This is exactly what I think too. It's a degree course - full time, but he is going to need to be at the Uni almost every day and there's a commute that is going to take about an hour. Even with that though, he's going to be in the house more than he is right now - working 40+ hours per week.

It is a bad time for me to bring it up, I know. He's no idea what the demands are going to be, and he's nervous about it. It was probably selfish of me to throw it at him out of the blue...

I'm going to leave it for six months and then bring it up again. He said if it was making me so unhappy he would not go to Uni and we'd have a child instead, but I don't want to do that - I know how much he wants a degree and I don't want him to resent me or a baby in the future. I asked him what would happen if I found myself pregnant unexpectedly - he said he'd give up Uni and go back to work. So he's dead set, right now, on not being able to do both.

Grrrr. So, six months it is. And fingers crossed until then.

 

[bunnyg82]

Hey hun, I just wanted to say hi and welcome to WTT. It's hard being here when you don't really wanna be - once you're broody it's all you can think about isn't it!

I hope that you are able to find a compromise xx

 

[Fly]

Thanks so much. It is really hard. I've been feeling blue about it and can't seem to shake it off - I'm all right when I'm working because it takes my mind off it, but when we're sitting in together in the evenings my mind turns over it and I get really down. And that's making him feel guilty, so it makes things a bit difficult sometimes...

 

[cosmotbear]

wow, thats such a tricky one. Its a good idea to talk about it again when hes started the course. Is he happy for you to start trying a year before the course ends at least? x

 

[Fly]

wow, thats such a tricky one. Its a good idea to talk about it again when hes started the course. Is he happy for you to start trying a year before the course ends at least? x

Yes - he's starting this month, and due to complete the course in May / June 2012. He's said he's happy to start trying in late 2011 - as its unlikely we'll hit jackpot first time and even if we do, I won't be due to give birth until after his finals. That still feels like a really long time away though, and for me, the time is perfect (financially, our living arrangements, the age of my DD) right now... I'd rather have him be a student while the baby is tiny and so a bit more flexible, than looking for a job or working 40+ hours a week.

He doesn't see it that way, and unfortunately it isn't something that we can compromise on. I'm going to take the suggestions that I've had here and talk to him again about it in six months, once he's got a better idea of how the course will affect his time etc. I'm not hopeful about that though.