I'm so afraid

[futrbabymaker]

I lost my precious baby in February and ever since I am a nervous wreck. We started ttc again in the beginning of April but I don't seem to be ovulating regularly yet because my cycles are insane. Anyway, I have lost 32 lbs to try to combat my PCOS and I have been taking vitamins and supplements (Vitex, FertiliTea, Evening Primrose)to try to get my cycles regular. My problem is that I am TERRIFIED. I have noticed myself making excuses for why I don't want to go back to the fertility specialist, why I don't want to go back on clomid, maybe I should lose more weight first, maybe I should accept that it isn't mean to be...My husband finally asked me what is triggering all this and I realized that I am just out of my mind terrified to lose another child. I have had several people tell me that we shouldn't be ttc at all if we are not prepared to lose another baby. That reality just scares me to death. I have no idea how I lived through the first loss. I was so destroyed that I was barely functioning and I am still torn to pieces over it. How can I accept that it may happen again? I want a baby so badly. I want to rock someone to sleep at night. I want to breastfeed and go on walks, and buy tiny shoes. I want to be a mommy to a baby HERE in my arms. So why am I so terrified? :'(

 

[Munchkin30]

Oh honey so sorry for your loss. I know when I start trying
I start trying again in hopefully a couple of weeks people will question why I am ready so soon but I don't care
Its totally understandable that you're terrified, it wouldn't be right if you weren't. There's one thing you want in the whole world and you're terrified of nearly getting it then having it taken away again, you're terrified of hoping again because of the pain you felt last time. Logically you will be in no worse position if you lose 100 babies than you are now but the pain of loss is so much you're probably terrified you really wouldnt cope if it happened again.
I know you probably hate me for it right now but I have a dd I rocked to sleep, I breastfeed, I bought tiny shoes for and walk in the park with and however painful this miscarriage was for me I know I'd got through it again and again for my daughter. We make massive sacrifices for our babies, as you are, and they're all worth it.
I know I will hate first tri if I do get pregnant again but I've hated it in my last 2 pregnancies too so ive got nothing more to lose, and if we end up with a baby at the end it will be so so precious x
It sounds to me like you're not quite ready yet and that's ok
But you will be and one day you'll wake up and feel strong enough to face it and fight for your dream. Xxxx

 

[flou]

I am so sorry for your loss. All your feelings are quite understandable. I have come to terms with my mc but it still upsets me. I had my would have been due date this week and that was tough. We have been ttc again since January and we are yet to be successful. I am scared to be pg again and thats only natural. But i know my future babies are worth it. Take time to heal. Allow yourself time to be angry, frustrated and cry but don't feel bad about yourself for feeling like that. Only you know when you are ready to try again. Take time to grieve. It does get easier but it takes time. Good luck and i hope you get a special little one soon xx

 

[frsttimemama]

I can't say that I know how you are feeling because every single person feels differently, but I can sympathize. My hubby and I lost our little guy at 39 weeks 3 and a half weeks ago. We were devastated because it was a complete shock to us, but we are dealing with it fairly well I feel like. We have talked a lot, and we have decided that we want to get pregnant again as soon as we can. We want to be parents. That's the life that we want now. We spent months and months preparing for it and getting in that mindset. That is where we are in our lives. We know that no baby ever can or will replace our son, and that isn't what we want. We just want to be parents. That isn't to say that I'm not absolutely terrified to get pregnant again because I'm so afraid to lose another child, but we just keep telling ourselves (and each other!) that God has a plan for all of this, and surely He will bless us with a healthy child after all that we have gone through. I can't imagine that this fear will ever go away for me, even if we had 20 more babies.. and I can't imagine losing another baby, either.. but I know that to get from here to where we want to be, it's a chance that we will have to take. I think part of the healing process for me will be getting pregnant and having another child because I'm so afraid that I won't be able to because I was told that they thought I had PCOS and I may never have kids. It took me 10 months to get pregnant with our little guy.. and it was a surprise when we did. (Just 2 months after they told me that, and I lost 20 pounds to try to help.. was planning on more!). We were so excited. So now I have the "What if's.." on top of actually having lost a perfectly healthy full term baby.. I'm just trying to have faith, stay positive, and do what I can do on my end to help. I'm trying to lose some weight to help regulate my cycles if they aren't whenever they come back (30 pounds down!), eat healthy, take my vitamins, and stay sane.

If you aren't ready, that is completely understandable and totally okay. You will get there in your own time. Everyone deals with their grief in a different way and on a different time schedule. Don't feel like you have to do it on anyone else's schedule. I don't know if you are a religious type person, but I pray a lot these days. I wasn't a super religious person before, but I prayed and believed. Now, I pray a whole lot more and believe a whole lot harder. Have you talked to your doctor about your fears? Maybe that would help. I fully plan to do just that next week. I am fortunate to have an amazing doctor that took great care of us during my pregnancy, and I look forward to having her care for us again.

I don't think we who have lost babies at any stage will ever be able to get pregnant without fear of losing them, but I think at some point the thought of having a child to love and care for HERE outweighs the fear of losing them enough to try again. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.

 

[futrbabymaker]

Oh my goodness. I am SO sorry for your loss. Losing Carter at 15 weeks nearly killed me so I cannot imagine your pain. I am so sorry! Sending prayers for you to conceive easily and have a happy healthy 9 months!

Thank you ladies. My "due date" should be this sunday so I am dreading the day losing a baby is so hard. I am SO ready to be a mommy but I am terrified of spending another 3 years ttc or to lose another child

 

[futrbabymaker]

Munchkin30 I saw your signature and I wanted to congratulate you on 20 months breastfeeding! How awesome! Good job!

 

[Nadhoo]

hello girls,

i got a BFP on my 19th cycle TTC and lost the baby to MMC at 7 weeks .. tried to miscarry using T.misoprotol .. and when that failed had a dnc in june at 15 weeks ..

this is my first cycle after the dnc and i am completely freaked out about TTC now .. i want a baby terribly but am scared to try ..

i am sorry for all your losses

 

[futrbabymaker]

I am so sorry hun

I hope that your next cycle is a success!

 

[Mumtodogs]

futrbabymaker - So sorry for your loss. I totally know where you are coming from with the fear. I got a BFP a few weeks ago after a loss back in Feb / March, I was terrified that something was going to happen. I don't want to be the doom bringer... but as you can see from my signature, it did not end well. The 2nd loss was strange. Yes, I didn't really have any time to get used to being pregnant, but it is a baby that we have been trying for for over a year. I felt strangely calm, it didn't destroy me like the first one.

However, I am straight back on trying again, despite my fears of loosing a 3rd. The fear of never holding a baby, never being a Mum is SO scary, it is outweighing the other fears. I have to be a Mum, no doubt about that. So unfortunately I am just going to have to power through the fears.

It sounds like you are exactly the same, so unfortunately, when the time is right, you will have to think positive, keep healthy and go for it. Its a brave thing to do, and remember, you can only be brave if you fear something.

 

[ErinsHope]

I completely get the fear part. I've lost two, and I think the hardest was the first emotionally, we had already told lots of people, picked out names etc. The second one when I found out I was pregnant I wasn't excited at all, and I just didn't feel right about it, that didn't end well either.

I am terrified of losing a third one, I think it's completely natural, but I just have to believe that it'll be worth it, and that once I have my baby I'll be able to appreciate him/her so much more.

Hugs to you.

 

[nikkie122]

So sorry for your loss. I can kind of relate as I just lost my Son last week at almost 31 weeks. It has been the hardest thing that we have been through but as stated before we are willing to do anything to have a baby in our arms. Im scared to get pregnant in fear of this happening again but have to pray that things will work out!

 

[qiaraau]

Honestly, I don't know how to describe my feelings while reading this. Though I did not experience it I have felt your loss and how badly you want to have your own baby. Your fear won't vanish right away but always remember you have people at your back. I have noticed that it's been years since you posted this and I'm wondering how are you together with your baby? I hope you all are fine

 

[justonemore31]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had 3 losses (one being literally last night). I also have 6 kids.

I can't understand why people are saying don't ttc if you're not prepared to lose another baby. No one is ever prepared to lose a baby. I had someone tell me something mean like that years ago. She said idk why you keep trying, you're just gonna keep losing them. I wanted to punch her in the throat. Who was she to dictate my future pregnancies. I went on to have 6 kids. So you know what? It doesn't mean you'll have another loss. All of what you want so bad is gonna happen. Let ppl say what they want. It is wat it is but never let it change how you feel and wat you want.