im so confused, scared and upset, i dont know what to do!!!

[summersj]

ladies please read and offer any advise, im desperate to know what to do..

im 27 and been TTC for quite a while as yet with no luck. My partner was in the Army when we met but since then left and joined the TA (part time army). i moved over an hour away from my friends and family to be with him (we do not live on an army base), i work from home and so i find it really hard meeting new people in the area. All is good in the relationship and i love this man to bits. BUT....

Even tho we thought him going into the TA a few years ago meant he wood not get called to war, the army has changed since and the TA is now used as much in war as the regular army... he has another 2.5 years left on the contract, meaning if he gets called to war in that time he HAS to go...

He had an email come thru recently basically saying he is possibly going on OP HERRICK 17 (that war in a years time) for 6 months, plus 3 months pre deployment training so i wont basically wont see him for 9 months. im dreading that day, when we met he left the regular army so he could have this relationship. the good news is the army will always ask for volenteers to go first but then if they dont have enough they call up others (maybe him)..

anyway i dont no what to do, atm all i do is cry. we want a baby but im scared if i get preg he will go to war and miss the scans, the birth, the 1st 6 months of babys life... ill be almost like a single mother with no support around me (unless i move to my parents for 6months but i dont really wana do that), im like most girls, want to enjoy preg together, feels kicks together, him be there when i give birth, buy a pram together etc and that may not happen.. ive got to the point i sit with him and watch tv and just get so upset in my head i want to say lets break up but i no i dont really want that cos he may not even go, were not sure.

do i break up? do we carry on like normal until he goes, if he does? or do we put our baby plans on hold until his 2.5 years contract is up?

he doesnt want to wait cos he may not go. ive spoken to him about it but his mentality is a soldiers mentality- hes been in the army for over 20years, been to war NINE times (before meeting me) so to him as much as he doesnt wana go anymore and understnads my point he knows he cant do anything about it and just says "life goes on!". i feel sooo sad, atm i cant sleep, i was driving to the shops today in my own little world.. i feel like everything will fall apart and my first pregnancy will not be what i dreamed

 

[MrsGruffalo]

Not sure what to suggest- this might be better in Home Life and Relationships, not Waiting To Try? You might find more help over there?

 

[summersj]

Not sure what to suggest- this might be better in Home Life and Relationships, not Waiting To Try? You might find more help over there?

thanks ill repost it there too.

 

[nickibrum]

If you love him I wouldnt be thinking about breaking up. I dont know how the army works to be honest, but if he has a LO would he be a second choice after the volunteers? e.g. in some corporate firms those with LOs get priority for holidays in summer.
At the end of the day he might not even go. could you wait ttc until you know more?

 

[summersj]

with the army family doesnt come first. in the whole time he is away he gets to return for 14 days (including 2 days travel) so will be home for 12 days. Often they can request the R&R dates (ie if i was preg then around the due date) but he may miss it totally cos obviously you cant plan when u give birth. And no they do not give a **** about babies and families. Cos im his GF and not his wife they wont even contact me if something happens to him... Army sucks!

 

[bornthiswayxo]

OMG they wouldn't even contact you? Thats so bad didnt know that...

 

[Dimples81]

the other way to look at it is what if you do break up with him and he never gets called to go? Could you live with yourself or do you think you will be throwing away the best thing that ever happened to you on a maybe? i'm assuming you do feel like he is the best thing that ever happened to you as most of us do?

He could get called up. When you are with a services bloke it happens. Its sad but it is what you sign up for when you get involved with them and at least with you it is only a potential not a definate. If you feel that you don't think it is worth the risk then maybe you don't truly believe he is the one for you. If you are certain that he is the one for you you can make a choice, try or don't try, wait or don't wait. If he gets called up then it may be difficult for you being alone during that time but only you know if you can cope with it and whether you are strong enough for it. If you don't think you can do the being alone thing then wait. Only you know yourself what is right for you and what you are capable of coping with. Listen to your gut instinct, it is usually right x

 

[kailynn]

I don't really have advice for you, as I'm enlisted in the US Army, myself, but do what makes you happy! If you love him and he makes you happy, then you should stick it out! There will be only distance between you and 9 months isn't a lifetime, he'll be back. "Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart."

 

[RosesOfTin]

The only thing I could possibly advise is that you get married to ensure that you'll be contacted god forbid something happens. Talk to him and say "how about we make this official and then discuss baby a little further down the line? I'm scared..." Men don't think as emotionally as we do, or if they do they like to play the rock.

 

[Vicki_Cream]

My OH left the Army to be with me, and if he hadn't he would be out in Afghan as I type this. I really don't mean to sound rude or like I'm trying to cause an arguement (I'm honestly not ), but when you got with him he was in the Army so surely the whole issue of him being deployed would have crossed your mind and been spoken about? I know it did with me and my OH, and it wasn't until about 6 months into our relationship that he decided it was me he wanted.

In regards to the TA, your OH would have been made aware that he can be called up for active duty (or at least should have been, and if he wasn't his recruitment officer needs a smack) and it is on the TA website (I had a look not long ago myself as I was toying with the idea of joining lol). Have they said what his role would be? Is he infantry, signals, medic etc? Whatever role he is doing would depend where he is posted if that makes sense.

Unfortunately, long gone are the days where the TA trundle around a UK forest for 6 weekends a year and were a civvie for the rest of the time.

for you hun

 

[summersj]

he is infantry so will be on the front line. the thing is when we first started dating he left the army to avoid this situation (at the time the TA were reserves and his role was rarely used) but now the government has cut the Army and his potition is rare they will look for these qualifications in the TA now first. if they didnt cut the regular army then he would be "safe" from going but its all changed and what he thought would benefit us has possibly turned into a bad decision. we want to get married in the near future anyway so i will suggest that if he gets called up and we are not married by then, then we gotta do it before he goes. i have been thinking and reading these comments and it is true, ill rather have him forever minus 6 months than break up and have him never again, especially if he doesnt go in the end anyway. i will just try to not think about it.

as for the baby im still not sure what to do, it will break my heart to bring up and possibly give birth alone and as im over an hour from friends and family i am not sure i will even phyiscally be able to do it. Many single mothers have said they would never do it again and its lonely and hard with no companion, no sleep and a crying baby 24/7.

 

[Pearls18]

TA have always been used for deployment it's what they're trained for- even if he wasn't TA he could still be called up for deployment as every person is technically a reservist for a certain number of years after retiring from the military. I really wouldn't be stressing about it, Op Herrick is over a year away so many things could change by then as to whether or not he has to go. My husband is in regiment training and has been told he will be going to afghan early next year in a frontline position, I will just deal with it because I love him and it's the job he loves and has signed up for. You can get regular contact from them depending on their positioning, but even then you will get contact even if it is weeks in between but that isn't all that common.

A British tour is only 6 months, it will most likely be the last tour of afghan your OH will do so in the scheme of things it isn't that bad. But tbh, without sounding harsh, if this is making you consider breaking up with him I don't understand how you feel your relationship is strong enough for a child?? It is his job, and if he is to remain in the TA you need to adapt to that- Afghan is now but obviously there is Libya and it won't be long until there are others. I don't mean to sound harsh, just don't think you should jump to having children when you don't even sound comfortable with the relationship yet given the circumstances. I love my husband no matter what he does, even though it is hard on our family life I have to take it as it is.

P.s. it is better to be married as you can't be the official next of kin when unmarried for operational duties.

 

[summersj]

i understand what your saying buy saying that women who go out with soldiers know what there getting into but i didnt, he has come out, i didnt realise he was still bound by contract.

ive put a similar post an another website and its wierd how military wags are like oh get on with it and civvi wags are like omg i couldnt do that. maybe its easier when it comes round than the thinking of it happening. x

 

[Pearls18]

i understand what your saying buy saying that women who go out with soldiers know what there getting into but i didnt, he has come out, i didnt realise he was still bound by contract.

ive put a similar post an another website and its wierd how military wags are like oh get on with it and civvi wags are like omg i couldnt do that. maybe its easier when it comes round than the thinking of it happening. x

It's so hard hun I won't lie, indescribabley hard, but we don't get the luxury to sit around thinking I can't do that, we just have to get on with it or we'd lose our sanity- by the time I see my husband next my son and I won't have seen him for 4 weeks, it's a shit deal but I wouldn't have it any other way as I want my husband in the job he loves- I understand it must be hard as your OH left which is why you're lucky you won't have to deal with much distance like we do, but if you're falling at the first hurdle babies shouldn't come into it at all atm. I was with husband 4 years before he signed up so I had the civvy life and it's been hard adjusting, but I can't help who I fall in love with it's too late for me lol, I couldn't finish with him just because of that- I would rather have weekends and leave with a man I love than all the time in a mediocre relationship. So all I'm saying is- if one tour is making you question your relationship...that rings alarm bells to me. I have a friend whose fella is TA and did afghan about 18 months ago, he's not done anything since I don't think.

 

[summersj]

im not questioning the relationship im questioning me coping. i do love him and vice versa. he has also just come off anti deps after 7 years on them for PTSD and after the hardship of going thru that dark side and making it the other side its just so sad to think he may go back down that path again just as he is seeing the light.

as said earlier after a long night thinking of it i cant leave him cos like i said ill rather have him forever minus the 6 months than not at all.

 

[flower74]

I agree with marineWAG, the TA have always been up for deploying (they can't just take their money and run...lol).

My hubby is army and we lived in Germany (about 900 miles and a ferry from home) when my oldest 2 DS were born, by the time my then youngest DS was 4 we worked out daddy had been home approx 17months of his life (Bosnia,Kosovo x2,Iraq x2 and Cyprus) it is hard but life isn't perfect and sometimes these situations make you stronger.

Civvy street is no dream either as there could be an important mtg, a business trip away, a boss who is not 'into' family life that could make OH miss scans, appt etc.

I would try not to worry over so many 'what ifs'....live and enjoy life to the max!!!

X

 

[Pearls18]

im not questioning the relationship im questioning me coping. i do love him and vice versa. he has also just come off anti deps after 7 years on them for PTSD and after the hardship of going thru that dark side and making it the other side its just so sad to think he may go back down that path again just as he is seeing the light.

as said earlier after a long night thinking of it i cant leave him cos like i said ill rather have him forever minus the 6 months than not at all.

Tbh I think it's too far away to be worrying about it, nothing is set in stone in the military it's so flippant they could whisk him off next month, or cancel his deployment the day before, a friend of mine says "treat every day as if he is going to be deployed tomorrow" you'll cope because you'll have to. If we worried about what could happen in a year's time in this military life we would never sleep, you have to take it each day at a time. I don't know what's best to do baby wise, I personally try not to fit my plans around the military because it's too flippant, if hubby is around to TTC when I want to we will whether he's due out for deployment later on or not. 6 months is short in the scheme of things. I totally understand your concerns with the PTSD, I know soldiers are notorious for not asking for help but there are associations like the SSFSA he could approach before hand? I'm guessing your partner is still keen for military life to still want to be part of the TA and he would have been fully aware of the possibility of afghan the reason most people join the TA afterall to serve their country without needing to commit full time so all you can do is support his decision, there's loads of support out there for partners too.

 

[summersj]

he doesnt really want to be in the army anymore and he too wishes he just left the army all together and not transfered over to the TA (his 2 years after wil be done in January) but at the time his depression was really bad and he was worried to go out on civvi street without a little foot still in the door., he is 36 now and joined when as a cadet at 15-army is/was all he knew but since then we have set up a business together and he has 99% beaten the depression so situation is totally different and he wants to move on from the Army now.

As much as i didnt like your comments to begin with, you are right. and i thank you for talking to me. All of my friends are not in military lifestyles and have no idea so there version of support is "oh hun just break up with him and go out with someone who wont go to war, lets go out on saturday as single ladies!" which just P*****s me off even more. but then my friends are also young and stupid and not in love. its good to know there are webistes where people can understand and have been thru it and that makes me think i could do it to IF it happens. I will dread the day, like im sure you do but at least ill be with the man i love and my soldier wont be a soldier forever (thank god!! lol). also i tke my hat off to you for your strength! x

 

[Pearls18]

he doesnt really want to be in the army anymore and he too wishes he just left the army all together and not transfered over to the TA (his 2 years after wil be done in January) but at the time his depression was really bad and he was worried to go out on civvi street without a little foot still in the door., he is 36 now and joined when as a cadet at 15-army is/was all he knew but since then we have set up a business together and he has 99% beaten the depression so situation is totally different and he wants to move on from the Army now.

As much as i didnt like your comments to begin with, you are right. and i thank you for talking to me. All of my friends are not in military lifestyles and have no idea so there version of support is "oh hun just break up with him and go out with someone who wont go to war, lets go out on saturday as single ladies!" which just P*****s me off even more. but then my friends are also young and stupid and not in love. its good to know there are webistes where people can understand and have been thru it and that makes me think i could do it to IF it happens. I will dread the day, like im sure you do but at least ill be with the man i love and my soldier wont be a soldier forever (thank god!! lol). also i tke my hat off to you for your strength! x

Sorry if I came across a bit harsh hun, just a defence mechanism from constant comments of 'I couldn't do it' 'how can he do that to his family' etc etc. Sounds like he's been through the mill, if he really doesn't want to go he needs to talk to welfare and given his past I'd hope they would be understanding (one hopes!) Although there are loads of negatives there are huge positives too to name a few; the feeling of pride in your man when he's doing such a worth while and demanding job, every time you see each other it's like the first time you fell in love all over again you never forget the butterflies, but most of all the uniform but seriously hun you have to put it in the back of your mind for now or you'll make yourself crazy, if it's all confirmed and you need support feel free to PM me I'll be happy to chat and I know a couple great 'wag' websites. You don't know how strong you are until you're tested xx but def think he needs to speak to someone if he doesn't want to go x

 

[BeeLT]

If you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life (as I would assume if you want to have a baby with him...), then of course don't break up with him over this!

My dad was active duty military in the US for my entire childhood. Because of the area he worked in, he never went to war but was often gone on TDY (temporary duty elsewhere). It was really hard for my mom & us kids. It was the hardest on my mom though. One time, the military moved us from one side of the country to the other, and then two weeks later sent my dad back to the base we just left for 3 months. It was not a good situation for my mom emotionally.

If it was me in this situation, I would WTT until after his contract was up. I wouldn't want him to miss all the pregnancy stuff, the birth, the newborn, the early developmental milestones. I also need my DH's support and wouldn't want to try to handle all of those stresses (the good & the bad) on my own. If your OH doesn't understand that you need him to be with you for all of that, then you should definitely WTT because he needs to understand what you need from the relationship. I'd use the time to enjoy each other and build on your relationship. You could start learning about pregnancy, birth, and infancy now so you're way prepared when that day comes. You should also use the time to talk about parenting styles with your OH (if you haven't already).

Best wishes