Inappropriate jokes from father-in-law, what would you do?

[SarahBear]

So, my father-in-law has a sense of humor that isn't always friendly and he has made jokes that make me uncomfortable. When Violet is around other kids who happen to be boys, he makes girlfriend/boyfriend type jokes and then this past weekend, Violet was wearing a dress with horizontal stripes. He commented to her "Don't you know you're not supposed to wear horizontal stripes? They make you look fat." And then the next day (we spent the night there), she was playing with the scale they have in their kitchen. It read something over 24 (pounds), but under 25 when she got on it. He commented that she better go on a diet or else it will get to 25 pounds. He thinks these jokes are harmless, but I find them completely inappropriate. With the first one, it just encourages kids to be uncomfortable and distant from each other (if they're the opposite sex) and discourages healthy relationships. The second type is body shaming and encouraging her to think there's something wrong with herself when there's already plenty of negative messages out there for girls. I haven't done much yet because Violet doesn't really understand but it won't be long before she does understand what he's saying. I'd hope he'd stop at that point, but he made one of the jokes about boys when there was a 5 year old around. The 5 year old's linguistic understanding didn't hinder him from making the joke. These jokes are harmful and not the slightest bit funny. How would you approach it?

 

[the why bird]

Honestly I'd probably just say 'cut that out, she's going to get enough pressure about her appearance when she gets older.' I'd say it with a friendly smile and change the subject immediately after. If that wasn't clear enough, next time it came up I'd say very seriously, 'I don't like you making those sort of jokes, I know you don't mean anything by them but this is a real issue for little girls. Please don't joke about people's weight around my child'. Any time it comes up again, I'd just go with 'I asked you not to make those jokes.'

I wouldn't make a point of taking him aside and trying to have a sensitive conversation about it, because then it gives it weight and becomes a 'thing'. You know, it gives him chance to get defensive and try to paint you as oversensitive. I'd just go with a quick 'please don't' and move on whenever it comes up.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

I don't think I would even explain myself. I would just say something like 'Cut it out, she's 1'. It'll get the message across that you don't find it funny.

Eta- Or maybe 'A little early to be tacking on those stigma, don'tcha think?'

 

[AngelofTroy]

I agree with The why bird, a quiet conversation will likely put him on the defensive, I'd say you say something short and to the point next time he says something inappropriate.

I feel bad though, my friend and I joke that Micah and her LG are "boyfriend and girlfriend", to be honest I never thought of it as highlighting gender, I guess we started when they were much too young to understand but you've made me think we should probably stop now that they're becoming more aware.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I'm very confrontational, lol, so he'd get some choice words from me about that kind of behaviour.

 

[Bex84]

My dad and fil both do this. My fil is sexist and we just tell him not to make those jokes around dd. My dad gets a telling off. It effected me growing up been told even in a teasing manner i was fat and even if i lost weight i wouldent be skinny, as a teenager he joked i looked pregnant when in reality i was a normal size. I wont have lo feeling like that so i just tell him to shut it. What is amusing is that my parents didnt want us having barbies or disney princesses due to thinking it effected self esteme (my lo has a collection of disney princesses as she likes them) yet i was more effected by jokey comments. It wasent what i saw in media when i thought i was fat it was well my own dad thought i was fat. I am very careful to respond to what they say as both belong to an older generation which think those comments are acceptable and i wont have my daughter exposed to sexist, prejudice or raceist views

 

[sparkle_1979]

My father in law is the same but wees ...he's a racist sexiest pig and when he does it he's told by me and my oh to pack it right in... Just tell him Hun

 

[jd83]

I'd just be straight with him, tell him those types of jokes are completely inappropriate around such young children.

I've had to do the same with my step dad. He has a very vulgar sense of humor, and loves to make jokes at others expense. If he does it when we're around, I've just started taking the kids and leaving the room. They know I don't appreciate it, so I don't need to stand around listening to that crap with my kids. I don't want my kids growing up thinking its okay to talk/joke about others in that way, or have misguided standards from listening to his point of view.

 

[caz_hills]

I'd ask my husband to talk to him - and everytime he does it I'd say something like 'please don't say that, it's not appropriate' and then after a few times hopefully he would get the point!

 

[cookette]

Im going to be devils advocate here and say its pretty unintentional. Especially if he's quite a bit older, this is a bit "run of the mill," the never-ending jokes of stereotypes. If you have no other issues with the man, his intent is likely harmless and more from ignorance than anything.

That being said, you absolutely have a right to say something about what your daughter is exposed to. I'm pretty forward but I wouldnt jump down his throat if I thought it was just being said off the cuff. Do speak up, make it personal but nice, and if it doesnt get the point across I'd step it up from there.

 

[Palestrina]

Honestly I'd probably just say 'cut that out, she's going to get enough pressure about her appearance when she gets older.' I'd say it with a friendly smile and change the subject immediately after. If that wasn't clear enough, next time it came up I'd say very seriously, 'I don't like you making those sort of jokes, I know you don't mean anything by them but this is a real issue for little girls. Please don't joke about people's weight around my child'. Any time it comes up again, I'd just go with 'I asked you not to make those jokes.'

I wouldn't make a point of taking him aside and trying to have a sensitive conversation about it, because then it gives it weight and becomes a 'thing'. You know, it gives him chance to get defensive and try to paint you as oversensitive. I'd just go with a quick 'please don't' and move on whenever it comes up.

This ^^^!! well said!

If we don't stand up for our children then who will? That's how I see it. Nobody deserves to be scrutinized about their weight or be the butt of anyone's jokes. There are so many ways that little girls get torn down about their appearance from the media and society. It does not need to happen from within the family.

I bet you if you confront him he'll get defensive and say you're being too sensitive. I would say "I'd rather be too sensitive than to be completely insensitive like you."

 

[hiladun]

When Violet is around other kids who happen to be boys, he makes girlfriend/boyfriend type jokes

No good advice but I too HATE this. My dad says it all the time if there's a little girl vaguely in the vicinity and it always makes me shudder. Ugh.

 

[sequeena]

I would go in for the kill and tell him to stop as it's not funny and he's going to give Violet body issues. His response.would inevitably be oh she doesn't understand but she will and having a family member saying those things is damaging.

I've had to tell my OH to stop calling Thomas a fatty. The latest one is saying the police man will take him away. Thomas understand right now and he might not ever understand but he shouldn't be saying those things.

 

[lhancock90]

I'd probably question his weight and size and if he got defensive ask how he thinks what he does will affect my LO? xx

 

[Sour_Skittle]

I swear too many men are ignorant to the affects simple words are to children and girls/women. We will remember something negatively said about us until our grave.

OH makes a ton of, if you eat this or that you're going to get fat. Which she does want to eat junk all of the time, I just think there is a better way of going about it. Like it's unhealthy and such. Because my 3 year old is forever getting on the scale now. Then he makes the "funny looking girl" comment. Which I quickly jump to her defense and make it clear those comments are not allowed.

They can't possibly be this stupid to think it will not harm their self esteem. I have no patience/compassion for grown people who should know better by now. They know what they're doing so don't let them play the I didn't know card. Set it straight the minute it happens. Be stern and serious and hopefully they get the picture you won't take that nonsense again. Don't make a convo about it. Just short and stern. When you conversate about it, it makes them think they have a say in it. Don't give them that option. Point is made.

 

[HKateH]

I'd j

 

[HKateH]

I'd be teaching my LO that Grandad's jokes are awful and I'd equip her with a few good comebacks when she's older!

I'm of the opinion that jokes are harmless unless racist, sexual or poking fun at, say, those with special needs. Any other jokes I find inappropriate, I'll just teach my LO to have a more intelligent sense of humour!

 

[XJessicaX]

Note to self: stop referring to DD2 as "plumpling" and squishing her bottom!

 

[HPmum2B]

Im going to be devils advocate here and say its pretty unintentional. Especially if he's quite a bit older, this is a bit "run of the mill," the never-ending jokes of stereotypes. If you have no other issues with the man, his intent is likely harmless and more from ignorance than anything.

That being said, you absolutely have a right to say something about what your daughter is exposed to. I'm pretty forward but I wouldnt jump down his throat if I thought it was just being said off the cuff. Do speak up, make it personal but nice, and if it doesnt get the point across I'd step it up from there.

This is my opinion too.
My only problem would be that his jokes are not actually funny. Tumbleweed a plenty.

 

[AnneD]

Note to self: stop referring to DD2 as "plumpling" and squishing her bottom!

This has made me laugh.

OP, I'd tell FIL to stop it.