Infertile people are annoying.

[StephieB]

now i am experiencing pregnancy with all its amazing and hard times i know how much they needed me as a friend. i must sit down with them and explain that for me i needed to avoid them at that time because it made me feel so bad about myself, not that i wasnt happy for them.

This is what makes the difference.

Hearing a pregnancy announcement, or seeing a pregnant friend/relative for me, and many many other woman on here produces a deep, dark soul destroying pain of seeing someone else be granted something which we want more than anything in the world. For me, it's like being punched in the stomach and having my heart ripped out, not to mention the sympathetic looks you get from everyone because we're the 'broken couple'.

I'm not willing to put myself through that unnecessary pain just to make other people feel happy. To be brutally honest I physically can't, my mental health comes before other peoples, and the resurfacing of clinical depression and anxiety is not worth faking the smile.

I have full admiration for woman who can go through LTTTC and be positive, if I'm truthful I'm envious of them. But its not going to change me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm always ecstatic to hear of a LTTTC-er who have gotten their wish, so many congratulations. But many of the woman on here have never or sadly will never experience pregnancy, so we don't get to look back after our struggles over, because we're still in the war zone every single day.

 

[lovie]

I really stuggled whilst ttc with my feeling that it is right to feel happy and wrong to feel jellous, at new year it was one of my new years resolutions that i will try to keep those feelings under control. I made a thread about it and i understand that there are mixed feelings towards it from people. I work with young families so i think it helped that i actually had no choice but to be around pregnant women, toddlers and babies every day of the week, for me it wasnt just my personal life it was my working life aswell that I had to deal with those feelings. I didnt succeed compleatly and as i said i did do things i am ashamed of now, your right tho tami my friends will understand i just need to find the right time to talk to them

I dont think that everyone should do as I say but I think its ok for everyone to voice how they feel, I do respect peoples opinions, I have read some things in the past (not on this thread and not written by and of you) that have made me feel so sad that people can feel that level of anger towards another human being because they unknowingly have what they want. I feel very sorry for people who feel like that as the person it is damaging is the person feeling the anger.

Yes i have got what i worked for, and i do have a different perspective on it now. I only wanted to voice my opinion. I am not ttc at the moment but i know a lot more about lttc and fertility issues than i do about pregnancy/birth, even tho I am pregnant the worries dont stop, I worry that a girl will inherit my fertility issues, i worry that a boy will get rubbish sperm like my oh, I worry that one day i will be ttc for years again I worry that my heart shaped womb will mean my baby is unable to be born safely and my pcos will prevent me from breast feeding. Alot of people on this forum will become mothers, should they just disapear compleatly from a place they have visited for months/years? the op said things that i have an opinion about so i replied with my opinions.

Im sorry if i was offedned anyone, it wasnt my meaning at all.

happy misummer from sweden

 

[rosebud_01_99]

Well said stephie b , i echo everything you said in your post,

i especially empathise with

"it's like being punched in the stomach and having my heart ripped out, "

and yes we definately have to protect ourselves, after all who else is going to , we are the ones struggling with loss and grief every day, while the pg ones are the winners in the situation no matter how long they ttc, they are the ones who are going to be mothers and have the congratulations of all friends and familys , what difference should it make if we just stay silent on the matter not admitting we are envious or not congratulating.

dont understand at all their need for other ladies who are continuing in this god awful struggle to be happy for them. seems needy and crazy to me.

rosebud

 

[lovie]

for me I felt like if i never had my own children then the babies of my close friends and family would be the children close to me in my life. I come from a family with adopted siblings so for me (im not saying that this should be the opinion of anyone else) i can see that i can love someone like a sister/brother so i feel i can love the babies of my friends and get joy out of their little milestones. so for me it was importnant to overcome the feelings of envy to be able to get the most out of the relationship, for me and the friend and the baby

 

[NavyWife84]

Alot of people on this forum will become mothers, should they just disapear compleatly from a place they have visited for months/years?

That is exactly what I plan on doing. Life changes and sometimes it is time to move on. People change and grow apart or closer togerher because of life experiences in real life, why should it be any different on a website for support? Even if my opinion changes when/if I do become pregnant, I would not post it in the ltttc section, unless it is under success stories. Although I am over the moon for all the ltttc ladies that get their bfp, it is still hard to see them move on and I am still here. Seeing that little friut ticker is one of the hardest things to look at. I want to happily compare my baby to fruit and if I do get pregnant, I plan on using it. Because of this and the fact that my status would say "pregnant (expecting)" I will not post on the ltttc forum because I know how it makes me feel right now, while I am still infertile. It kills me to see this and know that I may never have it. I love my ltttc ladies dearly and it will be sad to lose them as friends because of my bfp, but I completely understand that and respect the fact that it will be too hard for them to hear from me. They know my name and I am friends with some of them on fb. If they are having a strong day and want to pop by to say hello, I would be elated. But I will also understand if I never hear from them again, even if it makes me sad. In the infertile world you sometimes have to let go of friends for your own sanity and I totally get that. I will continually stalk them, but I wouldn't dare post for fear of having them feel what I currently feel when a lady with a bfp posts in the ltttc section. I know this is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I really do wish the ladies with their bfps would stick to the success stories part if they feel the need to share their perspective with other ltttcers.

 

[sapphire1]

.

 

[tamithomas]

I hope you don't think I'm poking my nose in where I don't belong, I just wanted you to know that there are some people fortunate enough to have a child, that can understand your pain. Everybody has the right to become a mother, and when I hear those kinds of comments against infertility it maddens and sickens me. I truly hope that all you LTTTC ladies get the babies you deserve, you will all make wonderful mothers. x x

Totally agree, even though I'm not BFP I do understand that even after BFP that memory of infertility never really leaves you. Especially when you go to post on facebook you remember being on the other side of things. As weird as it may sound, I'm greatful for my infertility issues. I have grown from them and matured. If we had gotten BFP 3 years ago when we started TTC I would have been one of those insensitive post every ultrasoudn possible pregnant woman who didn't take anyones feelings into consideration. But being sent down this road, I am thankful for it for the lessons it gives me. If I ever get my BFP, I'm still gonna stick around to offer my support as I know how it feels. Any support should be welcomed

 

[NavyWife84]

I know I do not technically belong here as I already have a child, but I can understand your feelings more than you probably realise. When I met my DH he was infertile - he had a vasectomy in a previous relationship. I spent a couple of years longing for a baby, knowing that we would have to opt for intervention. We decided to get his vasectomy reversed, and I am now fortunate enough to have an 18 month old. When she was 5 months old, we started TTC again as VRs are rarely permanent (and DH only has one side reattached). I got a bfp after 6 months, but sadly miscarried at 10 weeks. That was 6 months ago, and now my marriage is falling apart and DH no longer wants to have another child. I very much doubt he'll change his mind, a split is looking likely. All my TTCAL buddies are pregnant, and the vast majority of my other friends are pregnant or have newborns. There's nowhere to hide, and just as those who have no children get asked, everyone wants to know when you're going to have baby #2. I can fully understand why you'd avoid pregnant women, be jealous and even angry. Everyone 'seems' to get pregnant at the drop of hat and without even trying in some cases. I avoid baby talk where I can, but having a baby already makes that quite difficult. I support my pregnant friends, but they have no idea how painful it is for me, especially with my 'due-date' being in a few weeks time.

I hope you don't think I'm poking my nose in where I don't belong, I just wanted you to know that there are some people fortunate enough to have a child, that can understand your pain. Everybody has the right to become a mother, and when I hear those kinds of comments against infertility it maddens and sickens me. I truly hope that all you LTTTC ladies get the babies you deserve, you will all make wonderful mothers. x x

Secondary infertility is still infertility, so you belong you are still going through it while those women currently pregnant are no longer suffering. I know they suffered for a long time and the scars will always be there, I'm not belittling that, but they will be able to look at that and say, look at all I have gone through to get this miracle in my belly or in my arms. IYKWIM

 

[lovie]

Again I didnt mean to offend purely by my pressence here, i never felt anything other than hope when people who had been lttc or had assisted conception had their little tickers ticking up. I didn't realise that even long awaited pregnancies caused negative feelings.

I feel really sad to be told that certain groups "belong" and others dont, sure i am pregnant now but mine and my oh's bodies still have all the issues that we had before i became pregnant. We rolled the dice enough times to get lucky but the chance is very high that we will be rolling the dice again in the nearish future if we want a sibling we may well not get lucky again, things wont magically fix themselfs, and this time we will have no funded help at all. I dont see why a secondary infertility is different to anticipating a future where you allready know you will spend probably years battling fertility problems and you have allready spent years ttc.

the reality is that the majority of infertile couples will become parents, that doesnt mean they forget how it feels to loose faith in our bodies, how a bfn can ruin an entire week, how unromantic ovulation sex can be. lots of people pregnant after lttc will have a huge amount of knowledge and a deep understanding of lttc from both sides, surely that information is usefull and by making those people feel unwelcome the lttc comunity looses a great resource for those still ttc.

this is a public forum and if i see something that i agree/disagree/have advice/know information about then i will post, no matter where it is. It's not like im in the loss section posting when i know nothing about loss or the wedding section when i know nothing about weddings.

tami that is such a positive way to look at lttc, i think lttc really does help take the edge of the harder parts of pregnancy

 

[zanDark]

even tho I don't feel like posting in the LTTTC section anymore I wanted to say that if I ever get pregnant I'd like to think that I'd be able to come in here and offer some hugs.

But since I understand how much LTTTC hurts and how terrible it makes people feel about themselves...I'd make a point to uncheck the "show your signature" option. I can't imagine being pregnant and posting in here with my ticker informing infertile ladies about how big my baby is, or how many days ago I found out I was pregnant, or what fruit it is! I'd cry with happiness if any of my LTTTC friends announced their pregnancy! But I'd expect them to respect the pain they know all too well!

It's the little things that count!

And just to avoid confusion, my post isn't written in an angry manner.

 

[Armywife84]

Again I didnt mean to offend purely by my pressence here, i never felt anything other than hope when people who had been lttc or had assisted conception had their little tickers ticking up. I didn't realise that even long awaited pregnancies caused negative feelings.

I feel really sad to be told that certain groups "belong" and others dont, sure i am pregnant now but mine and my oh's bodies still have all the issues that we had before i became pregnant. We rolled the dice enough times to get lucky but the chance is very high that we will be rolling the dice again in the nearish future if we want a sibling we may well not get lucky again, things wont magically fix themselfs, and this time we will have no funded help at all. I dont see why a secondary infertility is different to anticipating a future where you allready know you will spend probably years battling fertility problems and you have allready spent years ttc.

the reality is that the majority of infertile couples will become parents, that doesnt mean they forget how it feels to loose faith in our bodies, how a bfn can ruin an entire week, how unromantic ovulation sex can be. lots of people pregnant after lttc will have a huge amount of knowledge and a deep understanding of lttc from both sides, surely that information is usefull and by making those people feel unwelcome the lttc comunity looses a great resource for those still ttc.

this is a public forum and if i see something that i agree/disagree/have advice/know information about then i will post, no matter where it is. It's not like im in the loss section posting when i know nothing about loss or the wedding section when i know nothing about weddings.

tami that is such a positive way to look at lttc, i think lttc really does help take the edge of the harder parts of pregnancy

I believe where everyone had the issue is when you were suggesting that we be happy for pregnant women. It's easy for you to say that, because there's light at the end of your IF tunnel. We're still trapped in that dark, lonely corner wondering when our turn is, if we're ever going to get a turn.

Not necessarily every fertile couple will get their baby. I certainly wouldn't make that assessment. Some will end up living a childless (not by choice) lifestyle. You have very little control of getting a baby, sometimes no control of your body.

I also think a lot of us are used to LTTCers getting their BFPs and not looking back when it comes to this forum.

There's also been some patronizing posts from pregnant women on here, attacks, and former LTTCers bashing this forum. So we're a little sensitive when it comes to any pregnant woman posting on here.

 

[BobDog]

i saw this thread a long time ago (what feels like a long time ago...) there were loads of comments that were below the belt and so i avoided it. i came back to find that it's been cleaned up!

now i feel i can post in here! yay!



I'm one of these infertile people. and i may be annoying to the more fertile people, but that is purely for self-preservation! as with many others in the LTTTC category. it's been 3 years and 10 months for me. (but i just say 4 years. because what's 2 months when you've been at it this long?! lol). now i've lost close friends over the issue of infertility and the lack of understanding from others. when a woman (well the women i know) becomes pregnant they forget that there are other people in the world other than her and her baby. then comes the understandable announcement and the scan pictures, then the bump pictures.

but then comes the complaints and the grumbles of the pregnancy... things like "urg, morning sickness is a killer" things like that. that's where i think "what i would give to feel like that"

i'm not saying all pregnant women are like that... as i said i'm referring to the pregnant women i know and have interacted with, this isn't a generalization of ALL pregnant woman.

now, i've been through 9 m/s's one at 27w4d. but i never got to announce any pregnancy. i could never tell people i'm mourning my babies deaths. my closest friends and family knew about it, but then never understood that i was in mourning. it was like, ok you lost a pregnancy, it's not like you got attached or anything. well yeah, i did. so when someone announces their pregnancy, i think of the babies i've lost and i sink into a deep sadness. i pull away from that person and avoid talking about babies and pregnancies and all that goes along with it.

that's my choice. that's how i choose to deal with my issues. i'd rather pull away from people who don't understand or are insensitive to infertility, because i would crumble and i would end up saying something that would take the joy out of that person's pregnancy. and that's something i could never forgive myself for. there is also the selfish side of it, i can't cope with it, so i'm not going to put myself through it. i never wish anything bad for the person enjoying carrying a child. my pain is my pain. and i'm going to deal with it. i'm not going to expect someone else to soothe me when they have a right to be happy. that's not right. but, if i pull away and then i get called selfish and this and that. then that to me is more like rubbing salt into an already gaping wound.

but that's my opinion. and no doubt someone will disagree, and that's ok, but it's how i choose to do things.

 

[wonderstars]

that's my choice. that's how i choose to deal with my issues. i'd rather pull away from people who don't understand or are insensitive to infertility, because i would crumble and i would end up saying something that would take the joy out of that person's pregnancy. and that's something i could never forgive myself for. there is also the selfish side of it, i can't cope with it, so i'm not going to put myself through it. i never wish anything bad for the person enjoying carrying a child. my pain is my pain. and i'm going to deal with it. i'm not going to expect someone else to soothe me when they have a right to be happy. that's not right. but, if i pull away and then i get called selfish and this and that. then that to me is more like rubbing salt into an already gaping wound.

but that's my opinion. and no doubt someone will disagree, and that's ok, but it's how i choose to do things.

Thank you! This was wonderfully put!

At some point, our self preservation is not only protecting ourselves from feelings of despair, but also preventing us for harming those who are important to us. I live in the now and my now says I have to protect myself.

I've become that person who pushes others away and stays far away from pregnant women. It's funny, I attribute a lot of my sense of peace right now to doing that. I don't feel bad in the slightest because now I get to live while still dealing with IF.

 

[lovie]

My opinion that I (when lttc) should be happy for pregnant women is something I have felt for a long time, I have personal reasons as to why I feel like that, I made this post in january that expressed exactly those opions, so this definatly isnt a new post BFP feeling https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/p...p-being-jellous-my-friends-families-bfps.html

I have also said how much i have struggled, and yes I do feel bad now about limiting my time with my pregnant friends (one in particular who's pregnancy was scary, unplanned and difficult) I felt bad at the time even tho it felt "right" to protect myself. The day I decided to try to stop my negitive feelings really helped me to be happier in myself. I dont expect others to do that, but I dont think its fair to be told im wrong to have at least tried to be happy for them.

As for my ticker I am a member of groups where lttc-ers and former lttc-ers mix, when a lady hides her ticker i get the most awful sinking feeling that something really bad has happened to her baby, i have heared so many time lttc women saying dont hide your ticker its an inspiration to see. I thought about it before it was mentioned and changed my profile picture so there are no actual babies on my profile.

I dont want to cause any more upset, im sorry that my pure presence is enough to offend people. Infertility is something that has shaped my family for generations and is likely to continue to effect future generations in one way or another, I feel like one of the big issues whilst lttc is feeling on the outside of situations where people chat about babies, meet for coffee in the middle of the day with their kids. I never expected to feel unwelcome and like i dont belong and like my opinions are invalid by a comutity that I feel I know alot about and have experiences worth sharing. As you can see from my signiture I dont have bump buddies (alltho i do have some lovely pregnant lttc friends) but my main wish is that those still waiting for a bfp get what they want soon.

 

[Wobbles]

I think if your going to discuss this you should consider turning off your pregnancy tickers like someone else said!

 

[zanDark]

As for my ticker I am a member of groups where lttc-ers and former lttc-ers mix, when a lady hides her ticker i get the most awful sinking feeling that something really bad has happened to her baby, i have heared so many time lttc women saying dont hide your ticker its an inspiration to see. I thought about it before it was mentioned and changed my profile picture so there are no actual babies on my profile.

under the "submit reply" there is an option to uncheck the "show your signature".

so you can only hide it in some posts and show it in others.

I don't understand how this thread went from LTTTC people being annoying to pregnant people feeling they need to explain themselves or explain why everyone should be positive and pooping rainbows LOL

everyone is different!

I am a VERY cheerful and positive person IRL. I listen to my friends whine and complain about their babies or pregnancies and hug them and say it will be OK and every mother has their bad days...I sat and watched my SIL's (brother's fiance) scan video even though she's not crazy about being pregnant and kept this pregnancy because she didn't want another termination, I'm also going shopping with her to buy her the furniture for the baby room because they're broke and need help. I also helped a new member post pics of her BFP because she wanted to share it with the world but couldn't post pictures yet...and I was happy for her!

^^^
that is Evie in real life.

zanDark is the darker side of LTTTC. The person that wants to turn the huge empty room we have sitting around waiting for a baby into a reading room, a guest bedroom, a gym...anything to get rid of that empty space.

She's also the online woman that admits that seeing pregnant bellies, tickers, bfp avatars make that dark side even darker because she thinks that someone forgot to turn on that damn light at the end of the tunnel. There are other times when I venture in to the baby club, pregnancy forums etc to see what life is like as a mom and often read helpful things...but I keep quiet instead of replying to people I feel are ungrateful or being silly...because it's not my place to make anyone feel bad about their feelings.

People that aren't LTTTC don't HAVE to understand why we are the way we are...just like we don't HAVE to understand how some LTTTC like to rub it in our faces that they're oh so positive and happy aaaaall the time. No one needs to convince anyone of anything...but for the love of God respect that for some people, tickers are like a stab to the heart, hearing that they should be happy while they swallow their grief makes us want to tear our hair out, rip off our clothes and go running down the street naked screaming bloody murder

I felt really crappy about this thread and a few others...but after a few days of being quiet I came to the decision that I won't let anyone drive me out of the one place I belong. The one place I can vent so I can continue to smile in my every day life without people knowing how much I hurt inside!! Even my husband thinks that I'm OK with LTTTC because I don't want to hurt his feelings by crying anymore...so now I just cry when I'm completely alone and need to let it out. The forum has a block feature, and I intend to use it on anyone that's rude in this forum.

Respect and understanding is the only way to go here...respect that other people feel differently and understand that they don't need to act like you do because you think it's right!...especially when you know nothing about them!

ETA: Lovie not all of this is directed at you btw. You've been very polite in expressing your opinions and I respect and thank you for it even tho I disagree with you. You DO have the option to hide your ticker in some posts...I hope you respect that since you've said over and over again that you don't want to upset people.

 

[tamithomas]

This took a major outta nowhere twist from a simple question lol. It's all about respect which is what the LTTC forums are about. I simply put this thread up as a way to discuss and let people vent about others being insensitive to our situations.

Lovie- no one ever said you were not welcome here, we only request that you respect that a lot of us do not see the end of the tunnel yet therefore to not patronize us for not jumping for joy when we see bumps and newborns. May as well ask a man who just lost his leg to go cheer for a marathon just as he wakes up from surgery, it makes that much logic. Very happy that you get to see the brighter side of things because you finally got what we all want, the only reason you're suddenly regretting not spending time with your BFP friends is because you can finally relate to them. We can't, we are still in the before phase. Like I said, pregnant ladies I find are aloud here just so long as there's respect involved. Saying stuff like "I used to be bitter but since I have my own bean now I feel guilty for pushing them away" doesn't it seem coincidental? The reason is obvious as to why you felt bad meanwhile we don't.

If I have friends in the future if I even get a BFP and they chose to distance themselves, I will fully understand as I've been there. But, we all have our own different ways of dealing. At the end of the day, it's a case by case basis on how to react. I wish you H&H 9 months just please avoid the jump shit attitude, some of us are not even docked yet.

ZanDark,Well said!

 

[tamithomas]

*if I ever get a BFP

 

[tamithomas]

wow i gotta re read what i write before posting.. "jump SHIP. not shit. SHIIIIPPPP. omg i feel terrible for that

 

[BobDog]

Zan, you said it so well there!! i think you should be my on-line wifey! lol! you worded it amazingly!

Lovie, i know your intentions are good and you want us to realise you can see it from both sides of the pond, and you are a lovely woman from post i've read in the past, and i don't want to make you feel you are in the wrong, but i also don't appreciate being told in a roundabout way that my feelings are silly and i should learn to be happy and positive all the time round pregnant women. that's just not realistic for me. some people can see the positive's in everything, but i'm not one of these people. i need time to process all the information, i need time to figure out how i feel. and sadly i need to pull away from pregnant people as i said for self-preservation. i hope you are as understanding of my feelings on LTTTC and pregnant women as you are of your feelings about it. not everyone feels the same and that's something that not many people like to accept. i hope you are one of the few who can accept that.