Infertility is making me suicidal and I have no idea how to pick myself up.

[x-ginge-x]

I tried to conceive for 3 years with my partner of nearly 10 years and towards the end I was broken, I was never out of joggers I looked unkept, untidy and unloved. I gave up, months went by and I cried everytime af arrived. After a massive relationship breakdown (for 6 months it was more friends with benefits than a relationship) I moved on, I picked myself up and dusted myself off, I met an old school friend and he sort of came to mine and never left, we discussed children and I opted for contraception as he wasn't ready at the time even though it was what I wanted for so long I knew it wasn't the right time. After christmas he asked me to stop the pill so I did, we started TTC I bought a new thermometer to chart my cycles and we dtd whenever we felt like it. First month charting I got my bfp, my little boy is 2 in 4 weeks time, PCOS makes things difficult but not impossible. We got married in July and officially started ttc again in june as i didnt want to be a heavily pregnant bride. I am charting once again and i feel its a big help and gives me a sense of knowing and control. I ovulated on CD20 this month and am keeping positive, we have been preventing more than trying for the most part of 2 years, don't give up!

Another side is one of my friend, she tried for 5 years and failed with her husband and had a successful ivf only for it to end abruptly at 21 weeks and her have to endure the torture of a still birth, she thought she would never be a mum, she had a chemical pregnancy soon after and had opted for birth control only to be told she would have to have an operation on a cyst she had. She was given some preop drugs and instructed to take a pregnancy test as the drugs would be dangerous to an unborn baby, she was very shocked to see 2 lines in that window as she had only dtd once that month, shes now 14weeks pregnant and under close observation!

Take a break, go on birth control for a while if need be, but don't ever give up hun x

 

[MH5280]

My husband and I have been ttc for 4 months now. But it's been 2 years since we first decided we wanted to start trying. We tried for maybe 3 months, not really knowing much other than to have sex. I went to the dr for severe abdominal pain, and found I had an ovarian cyst, as well as PID, with blood work they also found I had an immune blood disease. I ended up being on so much medicine and getting IV treatments for that, that due to the risks, we couldn't concieve. So once I finally finished all my treatment and meds, we waited a few months and started NTNP, before finally fully TTC again....

I know a lot of people take 6-12 months, or more! But it's so hard not think, what's wrong with Me? Why is it me who has problems? I'm surrounded by babies, most friends are pregnant, and I work at a chiropractor office that has a midwife group within... All the women keep asking if I have kids or when we'll have kids. It's hard to be happy when some one tells you they are pregnant, when all your thinking is "shut the F up! I don't care!!!" Just another reminder that your not!

My whole life I've just wanted to be a mom... What is my existence worth if I can't have children? Will my husband want to leave me? So many questions, and it gets depressing every month when you see a BFN, or AF eventually shows herself.

We've got to do our best, to keep our heads up.

I wish you all nothing but the best of luck!

 

[lisap2008]

:

I am thankful every single day for our little miracle. I know we are so damn lucky and it can be so unfair for other people and an even harder and longer road than we went down. I don't for a second take our little girl for granted and make it my mission to give her the best possible life and most time I can give her. You must be an amazingly strong person to rise above your struggles. You should be so proud of yourself.

I have been through some really tough times in my life some that were much harder then TTC. so I count my blessings.

 

[Jillie89]

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going Anya. Been thinking of you

 

[Laura27]

PCOS and other issues have a clever way of making you feel like you're on a difficult road to nowhere, with no confirmation that it will ever happen for you. I started TTC in February and in April was diagnosed with PCOS....I felt like someone was telling me I was never going to get pregnant. To go from stopping contraception to then having to take medication to just have a period was awful, soul destroying. Months of blood tests followed, each month squinting at stark white tests convincing myself there was a line.

I am so lucky to now be pregnant, and I know it's so hard to accept advice from pregnant people when you're struggling, but please know that it will happen, and when it does the joy you feel will be intensified because of the journey you've been on! Good luck xx

 

[sweetB]

Hi! I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It seems like it is terrible- what you're going through would be a lot for anyone to have to handle. You must be very strong to have gone through what you have (even though you might not feel like it right now). You're not alone- the ladies here on this forum are here for you! But you might want to consider having someone to talk to about all this in your area in person. Have you thought about seeing a therapist (alone or maybe with your partner too?). That could help you manage your depression so that you can be ready to be the best mama ever when the time comes for you (and make you feel a lot better in the meantime).

I also wanted to mention that if you're feeling actively suicidal (like if you make a plan to hurt yourself), that is very serious so please please reach out for help immediately. I am in the USA so I'm not totally familiar with the resources in the UK, but the samaritins website has a number you can call, or you can email them (this site won't let me post weblinx yet!! ahh!! but you can google it or maybe someone else will post the links for us).

Remember we're here for you!

 

[sweetB]

Hi! I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It seems like it is terrible- what you're going through would be a lot for anyone to have to handle. You must be very strong to have gone through what you have (even though you might not feel like it right now). You're not alone- the ladies here on this forum are here for you! But you might want to consider having someone to talk to about all this in your area in person. Have you thought about seeing a therapist (alone or maybe with your partner too?). That could help you manage your depression so that you can be ready to be the best mama ever when the time comes for you (and make you feel a lot better in the meantime).

I also wanted to mention that if you're feeling actively suicidal (like if you make a plan to hurt yourself), that is very serious so please please reach out for help immediately. I am in the USA so I'm not totally familiar with the resources in the UK, but the samaritins website has a number you can call, or you can email them (this site won't let me post weblinx yet!! ahh!! but you can google it or maybe someone else will post some links for us, in case others are feeling like this too).

Remember we're here for you!

 

[HorrorFan88]

*SORRY ABOUT THE LONG POST*

I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and have been trying to have kids for basically 8 (I'm 26 and he's 28). My husband had a kidney transplant in 2001 and I believe all the medication from that made him infertile. Back in 2010 my husband was diagnosed with cancer. Double whammy. In 2011 he had a stem cell transplant which they told us would make him completely infertile. We decided maybe a sperm donor was the right option for us, so we saved up our money and paid over $400 for ONE vial and did an at-home insemination. It didn't work.....it was overly frustrating knowing I saved up $400 and it was for nothing. Then my friend offered her husband's sperm to me.....we tried off/on for probably 6 months, but it never worked (probably because I drove 30 mins home every time to inseminate). Next, another friend of mine offered her husbands sperm....we tried for 2 months and it didn't work. I asked if I could use her hubby's sperm again this month and she avoids my messages- I feel like I'm not worth the effort in her mind which completely crushed me. How do I stay positive when that happens? Now I'm using a friend of mine as a sperm donor....this is the first month using him- we got 4 tries in this month and it was completely fresh. Even if it doesn't work I appreciate him making me feel like I'm worth helping. Keeping my fingers crossed it works, but I can't always help feeling like why symptom spot and why get excited when I know my period will show up anyways?

Every time I inseminate and my period shows up I can't help but cry and cry and ask WHY ME? We have been through so much- not being able to conceive is just the icing on the cake. I feel like we deserve what everyone else has x10. My husband is so supportive and keeps telling me "it will happen- we will try again next month", but I can't help feeling like a complete and utter failure. It's bad enough I can't have his children and then to think there may be something wrong with me-it's awful. I don't have medical insurance so I can't go find out so all I can do is keeping trying and hoping that it will happen.

I hate seeing pregnant women everywhere and I hate hearing my friends/family are pregnant. Nobody I know seems to have any idea what I'm going through so I keep my problems to myself for the most part which tears me up inside. I always feel like if I can't be a mother- why would I want to live? But my husband keeps me going- he's been through so much and hasn't given up so I'm not going to give up on trying to start a family!!

If you ever need somebody to talk to- I'm here!

 

[LoveCakes]

I completely understand. I have PCOS and this time 2 years ago we found out I had a rare complication that meant my womb lining built up so much the cells had become precancerous.We had to take a break of 9 months for it to be treated in which time 3 friends announced and had their second baby since we started trying. if treatment hadnt worked i would have needed a hysterectomy. i was never suicidal but ut was one of the lowest points of my life. I hated hearing about pregnancies and think why them, they're unhealthy, had an accident etc... and became a very bitter person. I've no advice in dealing with that it was only my BFP that 'fixed' it. Taking people off my newsfeed on facebook helped though we did distance ourselves from friends with kids too.

I do think you should talk to your OH. when we saw another scan photo we'd share a bitch about it. knowing someone understands makes a huge difference. we actually found out 2 other couples we knew were struggling and while we were sad for them we felt less alone. Infertility is very isolating. we started looking up support groups though never ended up going but is it something you think would help? I remember oh catching me crying i was scared he resented me and i knew he'd never leave me but was afraid he'd want to. we had a heart to heart and were more honest with each other. he asked if i would want to leave if he was infertile and i realised no. i really believe it has made us so much stronger as a couple. also he may need support too.

good luck in your journey. hope is wonderful but also painful but i really do hope you get your lo. you'll find a lot of support in the ltttc section it really helped me.

 

[hopeful4ever]

I am hopeful but every time I get my period, my heart breaks. I feel sick because time keeps passing and my friends and family pop out babies like it's nothing. I know people that weren't ttc and just got pregnant. I see people that probably are not in the best position to have children and they have children. I see people treat their kids like shit and someone like me is not having any luck. I have nothing to give but my love, protection, everything i never had I want to give to my child. I want to feel like a woman and have the ability to carry a baby in my womb and give birth. I feel less than that so far I haven't been able to get pregnant. I want this for myself and my boyfriend. i cannot deny that I've questioned my existence and my life. I had a real tough time last summer. I'm sure I probably should have seen a therapist but didn't I just moved forward and thought i was ok. And now I am back to feeling like crap and questioning my life again. I have cried at different parts of the day. I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. I thought this might be "it" and we would finally be pregnant. Today, i was met with the cruel reality that this was another time lost, more eggs gone, and more time passing me by.i absolutely feel down, I feel like I'm carrying a weight in my heart. I feel tired like i'm just not built for the immense hope I feel after TTC and then the let down of another period. Then I have to build myself up again in hopes of our time coming soon. But then the cycle continues without a pregnancy to show for. I have distanced myself from friends and family that have babies or are pregnant. i have to put on the best performance of my life when i find out someone else is pregnant. And then when I avoid baby showers or visits to see the new baby, that makes me feel crappy. I feel like I can't find a safe emotion to feel. being happy is phony and being jealous, sad or depressed is wrong as well. i just don't know what to do anymore. I am strongly considering a therapist. I know i need to do something because i am spiraling emotionally. but there's still a bit of hope left in me...l don't know how but a little sliver of hope remains.