Infertility is making me suicidal and I have no idea how to pick myself up.

[Anya0ttc]

Me and my partner of 4 years have been trying for a baby for just under 3 years. I have pcos and its certainly taking its tole on my emotions and I'm sure his although he doesn't express that. I went through a bad phase where I got severely depressed every time my period came and since then we don't discuss the whole 'baby' issue. My partner acts like we're not trying, probably because he's scared to talk about it encase I go back to where I was before, the truth is I think I'm back there already but I'm too scared to tell him.

I feel completely worthless, like I can't do what I should be able to do, I can't give my partner or myself what we crave the most, I feel guilty because I should be able to give him this, I feel angry because so many people find it so easy to concieve. I couldn't even congratulate my best friend on the birth of her baby because I resented her so much, what a horrible person does that make me? Every time a pregnancy is announced I purse my lips and try to turn it into a smile, I am happy for people deep down but jealousy, resentment and bitterness take over and I don't know how to suppress them. I'm no woman, I'm broken.

When I found out I had pcos it cut me up inside because I knew I may not be able to have kids, my mother in law said "you better get it sorted because I want grandkids soon" another reminder that I'm disappointing someone else. My partner doesn't want to be intimate with me often, I don't know if it's because I've shut down emotionally, because he resents me or because he doesn't see a point? Once he's asleep I sneak into our spare room so that he doesn't hear me cry myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier if I weren't here? He would move on and have the opportunity for a family with someone else. His ex partner now has two kids with another man and I wonder if he regrets leaving her, does he resent being with me? Does he think why me? Probably. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, no one knows how bad it really is. I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't think I can. To be honest in this state I can't become a mother, I have to be ok in myself before I can raise a child. Problem is I don't think I will ever be and that's where I come to the conclusion that maybe I need to just slip away. The worst feeling is I know I'll never have the guts to do it and there's no escape.

 

[Jillie89]

Reading your post has brought me to tears and I am crying as I type this. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug because I completely understand what you are feeling.

My husband and I met when we were young and always planned our lives around having kids. When we started trying and it didn't happen (I have PCOS, didn't ovulate and we found out he had low count and motility) it was heartbreaking. We went through rounds and rounds of tests, drs appointments, fertility treatments and then started down the IVF road. It was the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was severely depressed but no matter how much I talked about it to any person, it was not going to change the fact that I could not do what is the most natural thing for a woman to do - have babies. I was ready to drive myself off a cliff. I didn't want to live a life without being a mum and I felt a burden on my husband for not being able to give him children.

I could barely leave the house. I hated seeing pregnant people, I hated going into shops and seeing baby items. I broke down every time someone told me they were pregnant. The only way in my mind I could cope was to tell myself every other woman no matter of their age was pregnant, so when someone told me they were expecting, I had already somewhat processed it. I wanted to be excited for people getting what I so desperately wanted, but I couldn't. I got angry when people fell pregnant so easily and then complained the entire time about sickness, stretch marks, etc. Here I was spending thousands of dollars for a 'chance' of having a baby and experiencing all of those things people hated. It just hurt and I felt like the universe was against me.

I don't really know what kept me going, but I honestly think it was the fact that we still had options to try. I am a stubborn person I wasn't going to go anywhere not completing the one thing in my life I always wanted to be - a mother. As hard as it got, I fought harder. With every knock down, I got back up. Cry... cry a lot! It's ok to cry.

Even now, the thought of having sex makes me ill. My poor husband. TTC and infertility has killed the most enjoyable and intimate part of our relationship. It is still something I am working on today.

There is no magic fix, it is unfair and it simply just sucks - some people will never understand how much it hurts... but keep going. Fight... fight for what you want and don't give up as hard as it may be. I know there are no guarantees in life, but there is always hope.

 

[Anya0ttc]

I'm sorry my post upset you �� it's the biggest relief to hear you say 'I know how you feel' not becuase I'd ever wish how I feel on anyone but because no ones ever said that to me before. I'm sorry you had such a long tough journey I know exactly how tough that can be.

I'm the same as you were and it cripples my life, going out is a mine field of baby news and items being thrust in my face. I don't think people realise how hurtful it is when they say "when are you going to start a family then" "you look so natural holding that baby it'll be your turn next" I smile politely and tell them one day we will but inside I want to die and scream all at the same time.

I've wished for a long time that I could end it but I havent and I never will because I don't have the courage, sometimes that's the hardest feeling of all becuase there's no escape, I'm trapped.

People moaning infuriates me, I'd go through years of morning sickness, I'd reduce my body to a saggy mess and endure labour a thousand times just to hold my baby in my arms but I guess some people don't experience that feeling so don't understand.

There are options and I'm hopeful that one day it will be my turn ��

Thank you for your lovely reply and again I'm really sorry it upset you to read my post x

 

[Jillie89]

Do not feel sorry for making me cry for one second - I just know what you are feeling and it brings back memories! I just wish there was something I could do to help!

From my signature you can see that my story has a happy ending. (And I hope on everything yours will too). I went through times I thought I would never be a mum, heard numerous times 'I was a natural' and that my turn would come. Still didn't help.

I don't think anything anyone said to me would have made a difference - it didn't give me a baby. But I found talking to others going through or had been through a similar experience definitely gave me hope.

Feel free to message me anytime!!! I will happily listen and be there for you.

 

[KatO79]

So sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time

I've been trying for a little over 1 year myself and have tried experiencing some of the same feelings. I felt like a failure every time AF showed up, so certain it's all my fault even though we know DH has some sperm issues. I've tried telling him that maybe he should find a younger more fertile woman to have a child with. DH just tells me I'm being silly and that I'm the only one he wants to have a child with As for feeling resentment, jealousy when people announce their BFPs? I've been there myself. Still am thinking why is it never my turn? Why is it a woman who already has 2-3 children when I'm here struggling to conceive #1? Seeing pregnant women or women with strollers still upset me a bit. I've tried being in a supermarket, seeing a pregnant woman and then trying to get away from her as I can't stand to see someone have what I've been struggling so hard to acheive. Which is not very logical as I've heard that more and more couples in this country are going through fertility treatments to have a child so many of the pregnant women I see have probably been through the wringer. But logic seems to fly out the window.

Luckily my in-laws have never said a word but perhaps it's because they already have 2 grandchildren by DH's big brother although I'm sure they'd love more. I have tried a SIL (my big brother's wife) saying all I have to do is relax (this coming from a woman who used 5 years on fertility treatments to have their daughter), DH's friends who almost all have at least 1 child asking me if I don't want children or commenting my flat stomach every time they see us and a friend who was insensitive enough to suggest adoption when we haven't even started fertility treatments yet.

I think what keeps me sane and hasn't caused me to go through any serious breakdowns is DH's support. He's constantly reassuring me that we'll have our baby and that he's sure it's not me but even if there is something wrong, it's not like it's my fault, I didn't choose to have a fertility issue. When I used to cry over AF, he'd be there reassuring me again that it'll happen and all we need is a little help.

So I've come to the conclusion that the most vital thing in getting through infertility is support of each other. Talking about feelings and always being there for each other on those bad days. Otherwise I'd think it'd be very hard on a marriage if one person isn't being supportive and loving towards the other person.

As for people and their comments, I'd just not reply or if you feel comfortable with them, tell them you're trying but are having issues conceiving and you'd rather not talk more about it (unless it's someone you feel would be supportive and you'd be comfortable talking about it with them). If it's basically a stranger or semi-stranger asking, I'd just say "Wow, that's a very personal question, don't you think?" and then just change the subject. I'd probably be honest with your MIL an tell her you're trying but are having issues conceiving but not go into details who's "fault" it is if you think she'd start blaming you and make things difficult for you. If she asks, I'd just say you and DH are sticking together and won't be pointing fingers at each other but there are issues. My in-laws are well aware of our issues and that we'll be going through assisted conception.

But the most vital thing is to start talking with your DH and getting him to support you so you don't feel so alone in all this. If you don't get him on board, I fear that this will eat away at your marriage and you'll lose him. Maybe he's also hurting but isn't much for opening up or he feels you're so upset that he doesn't dare bring his feelings into it for fear of upsetting you more. So I think it's best to open the lines of communication. Talk about yours and his feelings. Talk about how you need his support and that you'll be there to support him. Talk about what options you're willing to consider like assisted conception or adoption so you have a game plan. Maybe it'll help you feel more positive if you feel like you're taking steps to do something proactive. Get a therapist to help you both if need be. But don't let things keep going the way they are because it'll end up destroying you and your marriage.

I hope you and your DH soon resolve these issues and that you get your baby Wishing you the best and lots of luck!

 

[bumblebeettc1]

I hope you are feeling a little bit better today?

I have no idea what it must feel like as we only TTC for 1 year, but I do hope that you are ok.

You are not worthless at all. You mustn't think that.

Have you chatted to your GP about how you feel?

Everyone on here wishes you the best & we are all here to listen & try to help.

Xx

 

[LouOscar01]

Anya that's so awful :'( xxxxxxx

We have only been trying for 4 mnths but I have convinced myself it will never happen because it's all I've ever wanted (I'm very pessimistic). This cycle made me feel awful as I felt so gutted for not achieving when I'd waited so long to ovulate!! I cried for 4 days and didn't leave the house, not because I hadn't got a positive, but because I hadn't got a positive OR my period and I just felt like I was back to nothingness ...(luckily it was half term). I felt like that after 4 months...can't imagine what it must be like for you after 3 years.

My Mum knows we are trying but OH's family all keep telling us NOT to get pregnant which is just as bad because I want to scream at them and say 'SHUT UP!! I'M NOT GETTING PREGNANT BUT IM TRYING REALLY HARD TO' ... it's so irritating.

I stupidly told a friend I could thought I could trust that i was TTC and she doesn't seem to think it's a secre. Everyone mocks me for my broodiness constantly and now when they do she keeps saying 'oh I thought you were trying'...YS I AM BUT IT'S NOT WORKING. :'( Wish I had never told her!!

The thought of not ever having a baby makes me want to jump off a cliff. For me there is no point to life if I can't have a baby. My Mum keeps saying that If I allow myself to fall back into depression then that won't help, she's riht but it is so hard to stay positive when all I get is NEGATIVES.

Fingers crossed that both of us get what we want Anya xxxx PM me if you ever need to xxx

 

[lisap2008]

I have been TTC a baby with my DH for 6 years so I know the pain and ups and downs and the pressure to conceive from everyone, we eventually just told everyone it was not meant to be and left it at that.
and if we secretly get a surprise BFP then thats great if not , its not the end of the world for us , because we have so much already to be thankful for. I honestly am not jealous of anyone because I am happy with myself and with my life , even though I know I am not perfect I would not rather be anyone else.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of self worth and suicidal thoughts and I am sorry but I have to be honest I think you really need to put TTC aside and get your self worth back up to a healthy level before ever trying for a baby , because if you have no self love how can you love anyone else?.
I would find a good counselor you can talk to about everything and bring your DH along as well and communicate about everything thats bothering you. because its much better to fix your marriage now rather then try to after a baby is here. and sorry to have to say a baby cant fix your relationship , a baby will not raise your self worth, and if your not deep down happy with your self now you wont be after a baby comes along.
jealousy, resentment and bitterness all stem from insecurity and low self esteem once you find happiness, confidence and feelings of security, there is obviously no need for envy and jealousy toward others.

I hope you can find happiness and self worth , and when the time is right you will be blessed.

 

[LouOscar01]

You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

 

[lisap2008]

You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

You can try but its not true love because its coming from yourself needing to fill a void and if you dont have any self love or self worth how can you teach your child self love and worth? children usually mirror the parent.
the same in relationships if you dont love and value yourself and are not truly happy how can someone else make you happy ,they cant and it leads to alot of turmoil in a relationship as the other partner is always trying to make you happy but its superficial and does not last,happiness and love must come from within yourself first before you can love others.

 

[Anya0ttc]

Jillie I'm so glad your story had a happy ending/chapter it's so lovely to hear your encouragement, thank you for your kind words. Like you say It doesn't solve the 'problem' (for want of a better word) but it does fill me with hope x

Kat I'm so sorry your going through such a hard time. I'm glad you've got the support of your husband he sounds like a lovely man and a sensitive family. I think your right its absolutely key to support each other. I do think Sam is afraid to talk to me about how he feels becuase I was so depressed about it and he doesn't want me to get like that again. I feel awful about that and we need to sit down and have a long talk about it all. We're so great about talking about anything else that's bothering us but with this we just avoid the issue. Other people's comments astound me especially when they come from members of his family it makes me mad but I learn to ignore it. I so hope you get you baby soon, it's the worst feeling in the world but it will make it all the more special when it does happen for us all x

Bumblebee I'm feeling much better, a bit more rational that's for sure! Im sorry I haven't replied for so long I've been doing some positive things for myself like going to the gym and I took a break from my ipad! I have the odd day where I just feel like I can't deal with it much longer and I want to stop trying altogether. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet, when I was diagnosed my doctor was so rude it put me off completely thank you for your support :') x

Lou thank you! Sorry you got so upset this cycle. I can totally empathise with you there I can't believe your friend betrayed your trust like that and your OH's family telling you that must be so hard my OH's family although are tactless still want the same result as us so I guess that's a plus. Have you tried talking to them about how it makes you feel? I'm the same and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that some how we will end up as parents and I'm sure you will too! I think it's very easy for people to say stop thinking about it or stay positive but it really is a minefield of 'baby reminders' and staying positive is really hard I agree with you I can't wait until we both get our bfp's I'll be so so happy for you :') x

Lisap that's a long time, I admire your optimism and positivity. I wish I had those qualities, I agree with you. As I said in my above post I need to get myself on track before I can be a good parent however I agree with Lou I think I'm more than capable of loving a child but there's deffinatley room for improvement and I want to be the best parent I can be. I hope you get your positive soon, you truly deserve it affer all this time!x

 

[lisap2008]

Jillie I'm so glad your story had a happy ending/chapter it's so lovely to hear your encouragement, thank you for your kind words. Like you say It doesn't solve the 'problem' (for want of a better word) but it does fill me with hope x

Kat I'm so sorry your going through such a hard time. I'm glad you've got the support of your husband he sounds like a lovely man and a sensitive family. I think your right its absolutely key to support each other. I do think Sam is afraid to talk to me about how he feels becuase I was so depressed about it and he doesn't want me to get like that again. I feel awful about that and we need to sit down and have a long talk about it all. We're so great about talking about anything else that's bothering us but with this we just avoid the issue. Other people's comments astound me especially when they come from members of his family it makes me mad but I learn to ignore it. I so hope you get you baby soon, it's the worst feeling in the world but it will make it all the more special when it does happen for us all x

Bumblebee I'm feeling much better, a bit more rational that's for sure! Im sorry I haven't replied for so long I've been doing some positive things for myself like going to the gym and I took a break from my ipad! I have the odd day where I just feel like I can't deal with it much longer and I want to stop trying altogether. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet, when I was diagnosed my doctor was so rude it put me off completely thank you for your support :') x

Lou thank you! Sorry you got so upset this cycle. I can totally empathise with you there I can't believe your friend betrayed your trust like that and your OH's family telling you that must be so hard my OH's family although are tactless still want the same result as us so I guess that's a plus. Have you tried talking to them about how it makes you feel? I'm the same and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that some how we will end up as parents and I'm sure you will too! I think it's very easy for people to say stop thinking about it or stay positive but it really is a minefield of 'baby reminders' and staying positive is really hard I agree with you I can't wait until we both get our bfp's I'll be so so happy for you :') x

Lisap that's a long time, I admire your optimism and positivity. I wish I had those qualities, I agree with you. As I said in my above post I need to get myself on track before I can be a good parent however I agree with Lou I think I'm more than capable of loving a child but there's deffinatley room for improvement and I want to be the best parent I can be. I hope you get your positive soon, you truly deserve it affer all this time!x

 

[Anya0ttc]

I'm sorry I did reply to all of your lovely comments but it seems to have been deleted unless you guys can see them?x

 

[lisap2008]

I can see them , I hope things start looking up for you.

 

[Anya0ttc]

That's good, must be my iPad having trouble. Thank you, you too x

 

[LouOscar01]

Anya, we are both very young, we can definitely get BFPs, we have a lot of time left to try all the amazing fertility things they can do these days!! x

 

[Jillie89]

You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

You can try but its not true love because its coming from yourself needing to fill a void and if you dont have any self love or self worth how can you teach your child self love and worth? children usually mirror the parent.
the same in relationships if you dont love and value yourself and are not truly happy how can someone else make you happy ,they cant and it leads to alot of turmoil in a relationship as the other partner is always trying to make you happy but its superficial and does not last,happiness and love must come from within yourself first before you can love others.

I understand what you are saying about loving yourself first. I always thought that myself. But in the end, I hated myself because I could not do what is normally so natural for others. I thought how could my husband love me anymore if my body isn't doing the right thing?

My husband and I had and still have a great relationship (he is the most supportive, understanding, caring and tolerant person and puts up with me with all the ups and downs) but it always felt like there was a part of the puzzle missing in our lives.

My depression I was told should have been medicated but alas I could not take anything due to undergoing my fertility treatments. The moment I was pregnant, my fears were still there but my depression was pretty much a distant memory. Even now I go through days where I get upset (not depressed) about not being able to be a mother 'the normal way' and I still blame myself for making us spend 30 grand on making a baby. I guess now, it is more insecurities rather than depression.

Everyone is different, and I understand that. We all cope differently and it is amazing how our brains all work in such different ways.

I truly wish everyone on their TTC journey all the best. If I could wave a magic wand for everyone TTC I would.

 

[Jillie89]

Jillie I'm so glad your story had a happy ending/chapter it's so lovely to hear your encouragement, thank you for your kind words. Like you say It doesn't solve the 'problem' (for want of a better word) but it does fill me with hope x

Kat I'm so sorry your going through such a hard time. I'm glad you've got the support of your husband he sounds like a lovely man and a sensitive family. I think your right its absolutely key to support each other. I do think Sam is afraid to talk to me about how he feels becuase I was so depressed about it and he doesn't want me to get like that again. I feel awful about that and we need to sit down and have a long talk about it all. We're so great about talking about anything else that's bothering us but with this we just avoid the issue. Other people's comments astound me especially when they come from members of his family it makes me mad but I learn to ignore it. I so hope you get you baby soon, it's the worst feeling in the world but it will make it all the more special when it does happen for us all x

Bumblebee I'm feeling much better, a bit more rational that's for sure! Im sorry I haven't replied for so long I've been doing some positive things for myself like going to the gym and I took a break from my ipad! I have the odd day where I just feel like I can't deal with it much longer and I want to stop trying altogether. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet, when I was diagnosed my doctor was so rude it put me off completely thank you for your support :') x

Lou thank you! Sorry you got so upset this cycle. I can totally empathise with you there I can't believe your friend betrayed your trust like that and your OH's family telling you that must be so hard my OH's family although are tactless still want the same result as us so I guess that's a plus. Have you tried talking to them about how it makes you feel? I'm the same and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that some how we will end up as parents and I'm sure you will too! I think it's very easy for people to say stop thinking about it or stay positive but it really is a minefield of 'baby reminders' and staying positive is really hard I agree with you I can't wait until we both get our bfp's I'll be so so happy for you :') x

Lisap that's a long time, I admire your optimism and positivity. I wish I had those qualities, I agree with you. As I said in my above post I need to get myself on track before I can be a good parent however I agree with Lou I think I'm more than capable of loving a child but there's deffinatley room for improvement and I want to be the best parent I can be. I hope you get your positive soon, you truly deserve it affer all this time!x

Great to hear you are feeling a bit better. Day by day, step by step. Keep doing those positive things for yourself. Can only be good for your mind and body

 

[lisap2008]

You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

You can try but its not true love because its coming from yourself needing to fill a void and if you dont have any self love or self worth how can you teach your child self love and worth? children usually mirror the parent.
the same in relationships if you dont love and value yourself and are not truly happy how can someone else make you happy ,they cant and it leads to alot of turmoil in a relationship as the other partner is always trying to make you happy but its superficial and does not last,happiness and love must come from within yourself first before you can love others.

I understand what you are saying about loving yourself first. I always thought that myself. But in the end, I hated myself because I could not do what is normally so natural for others. I thought how could my husband love me anymore if my body isn't doing the right thing?

My husband and I had and still have a great relationship (he is the most supportive, understanding, caring and tolerant person and puts up with me with all the ups and downs) but it always felt like there was a part of the puzzle missing in our lives.

My depression I was told should have been medicated but alas I could not take anything due to undergoing my fertility treatments. The moment I was pregnant, my fears were still there but my depression was pretty much a distant memory. Even now I go through days where I get upset (not depressed) about not being able to be a mother 'the normal way' and I still blame myself for making us spend 30 grand on making a baby. I guess now, it is more insecurities rather than depression.

Everyone is different, and I understand that. We all cope differently and it is amazing how our brains all work in such different ways.

I truly wish everyone on their TTC journey all the best. If I could wave a magic wand for everyone TTC I would.

I completely understand how stressful TTC can be especially when you have very slim chance of conceiving on your own which was also the case for me , sadly IVF was not a option for me. so be thankful you had the option and got a miracle out of it all.there are some women who go through several IVF cycles and never get a miracle. im not saying everyone must have high self esteem and so much self love that nothing can break them I dont think thats realistic, life is as hard as bricks and we all deal with it differently .we all go through tough times. I have been through my share and I rose above it, and im here if you need a friend.

 

[Jillie89]

You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

You can try but its not true love because its coming from yourself needing to fill a void and if you dont have any self love or self worth how can you teach your child self love and worth? children usually mirror the parent.
the same in relationships if you dont love and value yourself and are not truly happy how can someone else make you happy ,they cant and it leads to alot of turmoil in a relationship as the other partner is always trying to make you happy but its superficial and does not last,happiness and love must come from within yourself first before you can love others.

I understand what you are saying about loving yourself first. I always thought that myself. But in the end, I hated myself because I could not do what is normally so natural for others. I thought how could my husband love me anymore if my body isn't doing the right thing?

My husband and I had and still have a great relationship (he is the most supportive, understanding, caring and tolerant person and puts up with me with all the ups and downs) but it always felt like there was a part of the puzzle missing in our lives.

My depression I was told should have been medicated but alas I could not take anything due to undergoing my fertility treatments. The moment I was pregnant, my fears were still there but my depression was pretty much a distant memory. Even now I go through days where I get upset (not depressed) about not being able to be a mother 'the normal way' and I still blame myself for making us spend 30 grand on making a baby. I guess now, it is more insecurities rather than depression.

Everyone is different, and I understand that. We all cope differently and it is amazing how our brains all work in such different ways.

I truly wish everyone on their TTC journey all the best. If I could wave a magic wand for everyone TTC I would.

I completely understand how stressful TTC can be especially when you have very slim chance of conceiving on your own which was also the case for me , sadly IVF was not a option for me. so be thankful you had the option and got a miracle out of it all.there are some women who go through several IVF cycles and never get a miracle. im not saying everyone must have high self esteem and so much self love that nothing can break them I dont think thats realistic, life is as hard as bricks and we all deal with it differently .we all go through tough times. I have been through my share and I rose above it, and im here if you need a friend.

I am thankful every single day for our little miracle. I know we are so damn lucky and it can be so unfair for other people and an even harder and longer road than we went down. I don't for a second take our little girl for granted and make it my mission to give her the best possible life and most time I can give her. You must be an amazingly strong person to rise above your struggles. You should be so proud of yourself.