Initials

[DobbyForever]

My mom values family and as shitty as my grandmother was to her, she has always been a loving grandmother to my brother and myself. She even drives across state (afraid of flying) for my twin brothers' graduations even though they are in no way biologically related to her. She never once spoke ill of my grandmother. I only found out as an adult when my grandmother told me. Just like how I would never bad mouth the father of my child to my child. She treated her with respect and dignity as the mother of her love and the grandmother of her children. She didn't engage her more than she had to. To hold her husband and only grandchildren, especially after losing my father who was her favorite son, away her from her would be petty and I would resent her for it. Having four grandparents who loved me and spoiled me throughout my childhood and teen years was one of the best things about my childhood. My mother wasn't unyielding. She was strong and beautiful and the best mother I could ever ask for now and then, and I can only hope I am half as good as her.

 

[ShinyShiny84]

Dobby, you sound like a very considerate person and are taking a lot of everyone else's opinions into account here, but when all's said and done, you will be the main provider to this baby, so your opinion and choices should be paramount.

From my perspective, I would say to hell with all these different traditions and let your baby be the start of a clean slate. You say your ex isn't ready for this, so what's to say he's going to be 'more' ready when the baby is here. It's admirable that you want to maintain a good and mature relationship with both him and his family for the sake of the baby, but like a pp has already said, what you name YOUR baby shouldn't have an impact on the relationship with your ex's family.

I don't know how US law works but I don't see how giving the baby ex's surname would affect things from a legal perspective, your actions will speak much louder overall. My DS has the same surname as my ex. Obviously when we registered the birth I had the full intention that we would all have the same surname one day, but a month later ex and I split and if I'd known that was coming I would have ensured DS had the same surname as me. 6 years on it still gets on my nerves a bit (not that I would do anything about it now. To my son, it's just his name, so I wouldn't want to confuse matters).

That's just my opinion/experience, but I just advise you to think really carefully about what YOU want, and try to block out the voices around you a little bit.

 

[xdxxtx]

Your child will have you and your side of the family no matter what. They'll have a loving home and grandparents who will be around for them, and they'll be a happy child. Initials... not that important. Don't spell A S S or something ridiculous like that, and you'll be all right. Name... well, I changed mine legally as soon as I was able because I always hated my name, but I'm not mad about it or anything, and my mom isn't heartbroken. Nothing replaces a loving home. Nothing replaces an awesome parent who does all they can to make sure their child's needs are met. You definitely don't need two parents to live an awesome life. I have an abusive, awful father, and I begged my mom every single day to divorce him. In fact, I STILL DO BEG HER TO DIVORCE HIM. I would have given anything for him to go away and leave us alone. A two-parent household doesn't mean a happy one, an easier one, or that a child will have some kind of advantage. But most of my kids' friends have parents who aren't together (most of them broke up when the kid was 2-4). They're all awesome kids!! Pick a name, and be happy!

 

[DobbyForever]

Sorry for being shortish I have to shower, but at the end of the day I promise I know I have full naming rights and I want to do the A and T names. My stepdad is also a practicing attorney, and one of his specialties is family law so he handles divorce and child custody battles frequently. He'll be handling my child support case. He advises me as a dad but also as a lawyer, but does (minus the first name not being like top 30 common strong name lol) always remind me at the end of the day to do what I think is best.

I try not to get offended when people share their opinion unless I'm tired or in a bad mood lol. The way I see it is they didn't care they would just not tell you. But the fact people take the time to not just say it but really talk you through it... that means they really care about you. And it's one of the reasons I love bnb. We may never met each other irl, but somehow we create this bond and have each ither's backs.

 

[second.time]

Dobby, have you considered hyphenating your surname and your ex's? I know hyphenated names aren't for everyone, and you said you aren't a huge fan of your name anyway, but I think it could actually make things a bit easier on you too. Your surname would be right there in your child's name to make it easier when you're traveling, etc.

 

[DobbyForever]

I thought about it. I didn't consider traveling but now that I think about it with all that crazy travel laws now for separated parents it does seem problematic. My mom kept my dad's last name until I was 18 then legally married and changed her name to my stepdad's. My last name is super common (Brown) and his is super Québécois so it sounds weird hyphenated but I'll think about he. He joked at dinner the other night we should blend them rather than hyphenate but that's even weirder

 

[KatO79]

I agree with others that you shouldn't feel obligated to honor your ex's family traditions if you don't want to. Definitely don't feel obligated because otherwise the grandparents on your ex's side won't have anything to do with the baby because honestly, grandparents like that your child can do without! Coming from a toxic family background myself, I see it as very unusual that your grandmother was a toxic mother but not a toxic grandmother, the vast majority of the time the toxic keeps on being given out, even to grandchildren. If your grandmother had been toxic towards you, would you still have felt that she was a good person to have in your life? I would go into caution with yopur ex's family as it sounds like his parents have some toxic tendencies and believe me, your child can do without the hurt that comes with having toxic relatives that are hurtful. Don't assume because your grandmother wasn't toxic to you that your ex's parents won't be toxic to your child because odds are they will. I'd keep contact to supervised visits until you know how they're going to behave towards your child.

Just like how I would never bad mouth the father of my child to my child. She treated her with respect and dignity as the mother of her love and the grandmother of her children. She didn't engage her more than she had to. To hold her husband and only grandchildren, especially after losing my father who was her favorite son, away her from her would be petty and I would resent her for it.

I don't think anyone here is advocating that you should bad mouth the father to your child because I think the vast majority would agree that you shouldn't! I just think people feel you should be cautious about putting too much energy into doing what you think would work to get your ex and his parents involved. Because it may not work and then what, will you still feel happy about naming your child in the way they wanted? I know you may feel it's ok now but maybe later on you'll feel different. I'm btw glad that your grandmother was so good to you but unfortunately that's not the norm in toxic families. I think if your grandmother had indeed been toxic towards you that you wouldn't feel the same way. I know I could've done without my toxic relatives that were abusive from the get go, emotional abuse is abuse and it leaves you with scars. I'm definitely not an advocate for allowing a toxic relative to be a part of a child's life if they're going to continue the toxic behavior and emotionally abuse that child. In that case, you'd be protecting your child from harm which is part of your job as a parent.

I truely hope though that your ex and his parents/family will be a positive part of your child's life!

 

[ShinyShiny84]

I thought about it. I didn't consider traveling but now that I think about it with all that crazy travel laws now for separated parents it does seem problematic. My mom kept my dad's last name until I was 18 then legally married and changed her name to my stepdad's. My last name is super common (Brown) and his is super Québécois so it sounds weird hyphenated but I'll think about he. He joked at dinner the other night we should blend them rather than hyphenate but that's even weirder

In my experience, travelling is generally fine as long as you take a copy of the baby's birth certificate with you. I also tend to carry a letter from DS's father confirming that he is aware we are travelling, but so far I've never been asked for anything like that, and a copy of the birth certificate has been sufficient.

 

[DobbyForever]

Good to know. Hoping I won't need to. I'm meeting with ex next weekend to see if we can salvage our relationship and be there for our kid.