is anyone wrestling with the decision to have/not have a second baby?

[SoupDragon]

Me and DH have just turned 36, and our daughter will be 3 in October. We always planned to have two, but we have both found parenting to be soooo much harder than we expected and we're both flipping knackered! DD is most definitely spirited, very much a mama's girl, and isn't ready to share me yet.

We decided we aren't ready for another any time soon, and that probably when DD is getting near school age would be a good time to revisit it. She'll start school in September 2019, when me and DH will be 38.

I'm doing a pretty full-on professional qualification that is due to finish in October 2020, so I'd have to delay the final stages of that and then deal with a 2-day exam away from home with a young toddler, if we had another one before I finished, but I feel like I don't want to delay a pregnancy that long, especially in view of my age.

We haven't talked about it recently but whenever I mention that someone we know with a child of a similar age to DD is pregnant, he gets a pained look on his face, like he can't bear the thought of another one. I can't decide if he has changed his mind and doesn't want another, or just *not now* (I know the only way to know this is to ask him, lol, and I will. He doesn't talk about stuff like this of his own volition and I don't want to pressure him.)

I go through phases of being crazy broody, wanting another one (again, *not now*, but in time)...having another go at a vaginal birth (with DD I had an emcs due to her being malpositioned and huge and totally stuck) and breastfeeding (pumped for 12 months due to undiagnosed ptt). I want to be pregnant again, I want to have another snuggly newborn, I want to do all the 'firsts' again and see who that little bundle will turn into.

But then I go through phases (usually when DD is being a nightmare) of not wanting to do this again! Dealing with teething, tantrums, and getting up for the day at 4am, and the possibility of another emcs and having to use formula again...having to potty train again, possibly having to go through another long period of having a sick child with undiagnosed asthma, and all the unknown stuff about how DD will react to having to share me and the stress of managing two children, especially if #2 is like DD and doesn't sleep! Plus I need 'me' time to stay sane, and with 2 will I ever get that?? I barely get any with one!

I don't want DD to be an only child - she only has one cousin and won't be getting any more, and even though I am not close to my only sibling, it's nice to know he's there. I want her to have someone of her own blood once we're gone, and not be alone. But things are pretty stable right now, and I don't know if rocking the boat is a good idea?

Can anyone relate? Have you felt like this, and what did you decide?

 

[Jules8]

I'm literally feeling the same way right now! We originally wanted 3 then our daughter came along and we decided 2..then if we decide another down the road we would see what happens. Now I'm just not sure at all.

I've been going through stages where I want her to have a sibling semi close in age so they can be friends. She doesn't go to daycare and we don't have friends with kids she can play with on a regular basis so I know once she gets a little older it would be nice to have someone to play with. Actually, we originally decided that we would start trying this September so they would be a little over 2 years apart, but the more it inches closer the more I'm just not ready to be pregnant so now we are pushing it to next September (I want a summer baby if we decide to have another. The reason I wanted it that way was because I loved having brothers but one is 10 years older and one is 6 years older. I had no relationship with my oldest brother as he moved out when I was 8 and I am semi-close with my other brother.

On the other hand I love that things are finally getting easier. I loveddd being pregnant and the newborn snuggles don't get me wrong. But like you, my daughter didn't sleep well and I pumped for a year. On top of that both us both work full time jobs on an opposite schedule so she doesn't have to go to daycare. It's hard enough with one that sometimes it's overwhelming thinking about how we would do this AND another one.

 

[MindUtopia]

I think give it time and see how you feel in a bit. So much will change in the next couple years. We have always known we wanted 2 (and only two, we don't want any more after this, I'm pregnant now, due in Feb, and will get my tubes tied after that, I'll be 37 so it will be time!). When our daughter was 2.5, we knew we one day wanted another, but we definitely didn't want one then! It's a challenging age and so much is changing and it can be really exhausting because they are old enough to be tiring and running around, but not old enough to be super independent yet. A lot will happen in the next year or two and I would give yourself some time and patience (both of you, really) to see how you feel then. I wouldn't worry about having to be away for work either with a new little one. I had to be away for a three day training when my daughter was 9 months and then when she was 17 months, I had two big international trips in one month (7 days to the U.S. followed by a week at home and then the next week another 9 day trip to Australia). Everyone survived and my husband and daughter had a lovely time together.

I probably would have been quite happy to have our 2nd when my daughter was turning 4. I think 4 is a good age and I think we feel like we have the time and space now in our lives. We've had a bit of a breather, had a bit of adult life again, and are ready to go back into the trenches. As it worked out, we just didn't have the time to get pregnant by then. I was finishing a PhD (finished in December) and then we also had some long haul travel in May, so I at least couldn't have been so pregnant that I wasn't able to travel then. I did get pregnant in February (due in October), but unfortunately had a mc. I got pregnant again quickly in May and this baby is due in February just as my daughter is turning 5. She starts school in September, so we'll have a bit of a financial respite from childcare costs before I go off on maternity again. She's also really at an age where she is excited at the prospect of a baby (she doesn't know yet, but we talk about a baby brother or sister in a hypothetical sense) and she's old enough to help when needed or to entertain herself. She's not as much work as when she was 2 and everything was still so exhausting and overwhelming. I think 4-5 years seems like a good age gap and I wouldn't have been ready to do it any sooner. I'm pretty sure my husband would have had the same reaction around that time! But we did always both want other and we are both very happy and grateful for one last baby.

 

[sequeena]

We will likely never have another child. I have fertility problems so getting pregnant is difficult and our son is disabled. We face the chance of passing on his condition to another boy if we have one and a girl would be a carrier. He's going to need lifelong support. As much as we really want another I'm not sure if we have the energy if it would be fair on our son and I'm not sure I can have another knowing he/she will either be disabled or be a carrier. It's a tough pill to swallow. We thought about adoption but again our son needs a lot of time and attention.

 

[SoupDragon]

So our decision is *not now*, but when DD is around school age, as previously planned. But I am getting this infernal mirena coil out ASAP and going back to FAM, so I can feel like I'm starting to prepare, lol. I was very relieved to hear DH was open to the idea of another one a little bit in the future.

It is such a difficult decision, especially when there are so many things out of our control...as DH said, the thought of going from 1 to 2 is just as scary as having the first child...ok, we've done it before but every kid is different and we still won't know exactly what to expect.

 

[krissie328]

We really went through this too. We had actually decided to only have one... well about 2 weeks later I got pregnant. So here we are still adjusting to that. But the more it goes on the more I realize I'm happy it happened and that DS will have a sibling.

 

[Zephram]

Parenting is hard whatever the age or stage and two is definitely harder than one, but the positives outweigh the negatives. Seeing my boys in their quiet loving moments with each other makes up for all of the hard work. They will always have each other and that gives me comfort because I know we won't be around forever.

Timing wise - there is truly no right time to have a baby. I cried when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our third - we hadn't been trying and I just started a new job so major spanner in the works, but now I can't wait until this baby arrives. I know it'll be worth it.

You may have heard this said before, that you'll never regret the children you do have, but you will regret the children you don't have. Not my words, but I think if you're on the fence about it I'd be inclined to advise you to take the leap while you still can.

 

[whatwillbex]

I was like this to tooing and throwing. I was over thinking all factors. The relief I felt when I fell pregnant meant for me it was what I wanted deep down but was too worried it wouldn't work and we would be disappointed. We had to have fertility treatment for both. I didn't want to have any regrets and it be to late. Just follow your heart x

 

[KatO79]

Currently going through a similar struggle. I'm 38 and DH is turning 40 on Saturday. WE had unexplained infertility and first conceived our son after 1 year trying naturally, 6 failed medicated IUIs and 2 IVFs I unfortunately had a planned c-section due to them thinking he was a big baby of 4.7 kg but he ended up only being a tad over 4.0 kg Anyway we have a couple of years to think about it as they recommended I wait until he's about 2 years old.

I otherwise always thought I'd only have 1 but I'm going back and forth. DH is leaning towards only 1 baby but I think if I really wanted a 2nd, he would be ok but he'd draw the line there. I'm not even sure we can get pregnant naturally as we've decided we won't do IVF again and we don't have any frozen embies so can't even try a FET. We might not even be able to have a 2nd and agree that if we do decide to try for a 2nd, we'd go NTNP and be ok either way. But I'll be almost 40½ years old so a bit iffy if I should be having a baby at that age personally. My mother was 42 and my father was 53 when they had me and it wasn't fun having parents that much older than other kids in my schools. Doesn't help my father started going senile when I was 13-14 years old, got lymphoma when I was 19 and died 3 months later shortly after I turned 20.

 

[sil]

We went through this when we were deciding if we should have a third. I always knew I wanted 2, maybe 3. Two was manageable. We could be one on one with the kids if they were fighting, and if I were alone with them (which I am a lot as a stay at home mom), I had one hand for each to help/hold/etc. I was terrified about having 3...how would I cope? What if the boys were fighting and I had a newborn and couldn't help them through it? In the end, we decided to go ahead and have the third, basically on the same advice as the person before me wrote...you never regret the kids you have, only the ones you don't. I know I always would have wondered "what if" if we didn't and we have the space in the house and the means to support 3 and family support around, so it ended up feeling right in the end.

DS1 just turned 4 in June, DS2 turned 2 last week, and DD is 4 weeks. It's chaotic and a little messy sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The boys have taken to their sister and love her like crazy showering her in kisses and they're so gentle with her (unlike each other, haha).

 

[laura109]

You will probably feel different when she starts school. Toddlers are extremely tiring and they still need so much help with everything. Its normal to be shattered in these years i think lol.

I have a daughter who will be 3 in February and my baby is due in December on christmas eve. I always wanted two children because i want them to have eachother. My own family and my partners family don't really bother with us alot and it has made me feel extremely lonely going through the parenting journey. I started to fet crazy broody when she was 4 months old. It was way to early to have another but i kept thinking i cant wait to do it all again. When she was 18 months old we started trying. We had a break for xmas and a holiday and i fell pregnant the month we went on holiday a month after dd turned two.

I know that december is going to be hard and next year is going to be tiring with a 3 year old and a baby. But i kniw in two years time dd will go to school and gradually we will end up with them both at school. That does seem a lifetime away now and i am dreading the tantrums, the sleepless nights, teething, stomach bugs, colds and everything else that comes with small children. But im also excited to see my daughter and baby forming a bond for life. I feel like my dd will entertain them abit and although plenty of arguing will take place i am happy they will not be alone.

But yes i have gone over so many things. Even being pregnant with a toddler scared me. I felt rubbish till 15-16 weeks but now i have a boost if energy and feel alot more excited. I think you just get through. Obviously if you bith dont want to add to the chaos now you will be able to get some you time back as pre school starys etc then thats ok. It's extremely hard isnt it. X

 

[adrie]

I can definitely relate in some respects, and you are the same age as me now, with a child one year younger than our eldest.

We donated most everything from birth to age 1; in fact, I never really thought about a second until our eldest was over 2.

If we had different family dynamics with more support and cousins whose families we were close with, she may have been an only child. Every time we go to family events our daughter is the one and only child. I never had baby fever. I wanted a child when I was with a man whose child I wanted to have.

Also, I knew that I wanted to be done having kids at 35 as it was my personal cut off. So we conceived our son, who is 1 in about 3 weeks. I knew that it would be difficult either way, and I knew I wasn't waiting past 35 to have another, so we just jumped in with both feet. No regrets other than wishing I could shove them both back in my stomach and still just be pregnant for the first time again It's definitely hard but anything worth anything always is